Menu

Menu

Prompts

Contests

Stories

Blog

Directory

Contests

Magazine

FAQ

James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories (74)

Comments

Library

5 Followers

16 Following

74 Stories

45 karma pts

?

Fantasy

James Offenhartz

“There’s a catch. There’s always a catch.” Think about Midas who wished everything he touched to turn into gold, but you can’t eat gold. Or the Norse mythology where an ointment is put over one eye to see all the riches of the world and the man begs to have it put on his second eye since he believes the ointment will allow him to see where the riches are, even after being told time after time, it’ll make him go blind, but he gets it put on his eye, and goes blind. “Sophie’s choice” It’s a metaphor, but what is it a metaphor fo...

2 likes

The Neo’s and the C’s

James Offenhartz

Because it’s the American dream. We are in America, aren’t we? I’m not sure, either. See, remember what they used to say? The American dream? A house for everyone, two cars in the garage, a spouse, kids, etc., except for me. That’s what America was but not what it is now and no, I’m not one of those, “Make America Great Again,” bastards. What I’m saying is the opposite of that. What im saying is everyone should be allowed to own a house, which becomes a home, to get married, have, . . . You’re not understanding, you’re thi...

1 like

Cacophonous juggernaut

James Offenhartz

Because of natural law on both sides of the equation. Natural Law here; Natural Law there. Everywhere in the known and unknown universe, until now. Maybe a parallel universe is combining with ours. I know that doesn’t make sense. Think about gravity. People think gravity doesn’t exist in space, but it does, until now. The planets seem like a bunch of billiard balls bouncing around. The scientists thought the size or configuration of the stars might have changed, but there’s no evidence to support this hypothesis. None. People t...

0 likes

Letting it Go

James Offenhartz

You’ve failed and you’ve lost your credentials. It’s over. There are other churches where you can get your credentials. Let it go. Start again somewhere else. Maybe give up being a member of the church. Yes, I know you’ve invested tons of time and money in it, but you fucked up, so let it go. Just let it go and start over somewhere else with someone else. Think of it like a burnt steak or a pickle. You can’t unburn a steak. You can’t unpickle it back to a cucumber. But you can buy another cucumber or a new steak. That’s wh...

1 like

A Family Meal Restaurant Menu

James Offenhartz

Appetizers Small TalkThis is a great way to start before the main argument of the night. Choose from a wide variety of bullshit like the weather, how the dogs or kids are doing, your favorite sports team, local news, unimportant things of all variety. If you don’t see the bullshit you’re looking for, ask your server. Jokes These jokes are are old classics. If they’re stale, tell your server, and they can ask Sierri for a joke or look upa Dad joke for and get ready to groan. For an extra groan, ask for a new Dad joke. It’ll even make...

2 likes

Solitary confinement

James Offenhartz

You know what, I quit, everything, period. I’m burnt out, so I quit. I quit everything. It’s not because you did anything, it’s just. No, I’m not angry. I know I made a commitment, but I didn’t sign anything. I’m under no legal obligation to . . . But I need to . . . I haven’t slept in five days. I quit. How would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Do you want to trade places? I’m in too many clubs and I don’t know which to drop because everyone’s counting on me, but . . . Yes, I know. What about the organizations w...

1 like

Agent

James Offenhartz

Because I’m the one who can get your story off the fucking pile. Without me, your manuscript will sit on the pile for months, maybe years. That’s why you need me and I have coffee with publishing houses. No, I know you can’t talk to a house, I talked to the people who work in the publishing houses and I see and ask what they’re looking for and that’s how people like you get published. By paying a meager 15% of the contract I can get you with someone like Random House or Penguin or any other New York House. The coffee you’re paying for...

1 like

Morons

James Offenhartz

I didn’t have a choice. I never have a choice. Welcome to America, “The land of the fees and the home of the slave”. See, this is how America is, not what they tell you in the fairy tales and on the streets. The real America. You pay someone to take you over here because you’re living in Hell. Out of the frying pan and into “Dente’s inferno”. I must have been a lawyer in my last life. The land of opportunity. Here, I could get my brother a chair like there are free chairs everywhere. Free chairs on streets paved with gold. They don’t tell yo...

1 like

Bodo BOGO

James Offenhartz

I don’t understand. You don’t understand what I don’t understand, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t understand. See, what happens is they come from another country. Now, of course, everyone will accuse me of being xenophobic, but I’m not xenophobic, I just don’t understand. See, they come from other countries to live “The American Dream”. Then, instead of figuring out what they can do to help others with their dreams, which is something an altruist would do, they think they’ll mine gold or it’ll rain diamonds or I don’t...

1 like

Fucked

James Offenhartz

Fuck. Damn it. Motherfucker. It can’t get worse. No, wait. It can. Don’t give God that test. It can always get worse. Remember, I still have my vision, my toes, my boobs, for now. Problems, lots of them. Could pan handle, mug rich people, if I get arrested, I’ll have food, shelter l, clean clothes. It’ll be orange, but clean. Then, I’ll never get a job. Who’s going to hire a stinky bum who needs a haircut. No resume. Could train for shit through VR. At least there I could have sex again. Lesbian sex but I’ll take what I can get. Motherfucker...

0 likes

Hell On Earth

James Offenhartz

Just what everyone wants, never. You have a degree and we aren’t just talking about high school. You have a BS degree in the liberal arts. But, I hear you say, ‘there are no BS degrees in the liberal arts. There are only BAs, BFAs, MAs, MFAs,and pH D.s. And I’m here to tell you, you’re wrong; all the liberal art degrees are BS. Otherwise you wouldn’t be living back home with your parents. But, they have a great idea, they’ll put you in a community college, since it’s cheap, and you’ll get another BS degree in something you can make m...

0 likes

Why?

James Offenhartz

Wow. This was a long time ago. I’m surprised it existed at all. Or maybe it didn’t. This is a work of art. But it’s not on the continuum. Maybe it’s in the fourth dimension. Or in a parallel universe. A) the fourth dimension B) a parallel universe, C) inside psychedelic drugs? It didn’t exist in the past, it’s not present, and unlikely in the future. Remember the Fiala comic: “God can’t do what?” If I had gone on the internship I could’ve got that dream job and worked in a book store. No, legal guardian logic...

1 like

Slice of Whipped Cream.

James Offenhartz

It’s not blood, it’s lipstick. Regular, ordinary, everyday lipstick. Look, there’s a tip jar, I can do slap stick, knock, knock jokes, circus bits, or what do you want to see, kid? Very funny. That’s not something I do. That’s not something I’d ever do. Look, I’m here to have fun in a child friendly way. Yes, I want to make money, but that would give a bad name to . . . How much? And you’d pay me in cash? America cash? Not Jamaican cash, right? And you’d let me wear makeup. That was a stupid question. What abo...

1 like

Rarely Rational

James Offenhartz

Hypsophobia. That’s what I have. I’m hypsophobic and I’ve gone to different shrinks for help, but I still have hypsophobia. Maybe you never heard of hypsophobia before. Hypsophobia is the fear of heights. And no, there was no drama with heights when I was young, I didn’t see someone fall and I didn’t fall. I had the falling dream (all kids have the falling dream), but I look down and I worry I’ll slip and there’ll be no support. No, I always felt supported in an emotional, spiritual, psychological, etc. way in my home, I’m just afra...

0 likes

Time

James Offenhartz

What time is it?“It’s Howdy Doody Time “No. What time is it?“4:30. It’s not late. No, no, it’s early. Early.”The things is, time is an illusion or is it an allusion. Doesn’t matter. A timer on a plane going 500 mph goes slower than a timer on the ground or is it the opposite way?“Energy = mass times the speed of light squared” or “E =MC2”And think about mediums and/or psychics. “A psychic attuned to the vibrations of the universe and a medium, although able to attune to those same vibrations, attuned to spirit entities. A medium can be a psy...

0 likes