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James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories (82)

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5 Followers

16 Following

82 Stories

47 karma pts

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GOK

James Offenhartz

Don’t you remember me?! Take a deep breath. What’s the last thing you remember? Ok. Let’s start simple: What’s your name? You don’t know. How old are you? You don’t know . And you don’t know who I am? Long day. Do you have any brothers or sisters and if so, how many? What do you know? Well, let me start by telling you where you are: You’re in a hospital or a rehab facility. This is a rehab hospital. What are you doing here? Do you remember? You don’t. Any guesses? You got in an accident. You ha...

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I don’t know

James Offenhartz

I don’t know who I am. I’ve read hundreds of self-help books and they’ve all failed. I’m hopeless. I’ve gone to lectures, life coaches. Crap. I can talk to you, right? Good. Let’s start with my life coach, because why not? Get a life coach; why not? This will solve all your problems. Answer the questions (honestly) and it’ll tell you what to do with your life. Easy, right? Sort of. Fill out a survey. Questions like do you like spending time with other people or do you prefer doing things by yourself? I don’t know. Like I like reading by myse...

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Safety

James Offenhartz

This is what you’ve prayed for and worked for; a second chance; the American dream. This is “the land of opportunity” where someone can come from another country and become a billionaire, right? Streets paved of gold and I’m here and now I’m free, so now what? It’s said, “Home is where the heart is,” but in my country, that’s bullshit. “Home is where the” hell is. Women get beat up by their boyfriends or husbands and nobody cares. We can’t own property, we’re not allowed to file for divorce, we’re dogs in a cage. ...

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You

James Offenhartz

I can’t sleep. That’s a misstatement. I can’t sleep not because I’m not able to but because I don’t have time to. My schedule is packed. Too many obligations. Too many clubs. Too many “friends”. The news says isolation is as harmful as cigarettes. Wonder what it says about too many friends or too much going on. They haven’t done studies on that yet since there’s money in joining clubs or churches or being an officer for an organization or all the organizations . I can’t sleep. It’s like crack cocaine, adrenaline. ...

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Bullying from the Bitch

James Offenhartz

Are you there, God, it’s me, and no, I’m not Margarette. There are four major changes in life: “moving, breaking up or divorce, job change or loss, and loss of a loved one” and lucky me, I’m getting all four at once. So, the trite question everyone asks You/you, Why me? I didn’t do anything wrong. There was nothing I could have done to prevent this. It’s his fault (and Your fault). I don’t know where I’m going to live now. I might be homeless. I’ve called up homeless shelters and they’re all full. I’m on all the waiting lists but if I don’t ...

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Tech Guy

James Offenhartz

Eureka. This is great. This will advance education by millennia. And I invented it and patented it. I’ll be the first in my family to be rich. See, think about computers. You can send emails, text messages, upload files and data. “No more teachers, no more books, no more teachers’ dirty looks.” See, imagine not just learning basics in school like multiplication tables, division, Spanish or French, or anything. Well, the government is going to save billions all because of me and I’ll be rich and famous. I’ll pay famous actors, ...

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Military Gas

James Offenhartz

We were moving, officer, from Pennsylvania and we’re moving to Virginia or she’s moving to Virginia and we’re helping her move. See, this is my daughter, Laura, and my son, Bob and she just graduated and we celebrated and we moved her here and we got this U-Haul and we were low on gas and we saw this gas station and the U- Haul was low on gas so we thought we’d stop here and get some gas, maybe a snack and some beers. We weren’t trying to break any laws, we were just trying to gas up our truck. What? No, we rented this truck, t...

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Juxtaposition

James Offenhartz

You made a deal and not with the Devil or Wayne Brady and they’re not the same. No, you made a deal with Chaos Publishing. Should’ve known by the name it was a bad idea. Chaos, the enemy of Maxwell Smart, right? What the fuck am I talking about? Fame. Fortune. This is one of the ways to get out of poverty, desperation, the ghetto. Prosperity, riches, fame. So, I signed it, the publishing contract, but I also signed a deal with Zwandilla. No one’s ever heard of her. Think of her like the Mafia, but not from Russia. Fuck Russia, Mex...

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Fantasy

James Offenhartz

“There’s a catch. There’s always a catch.” Think about Midas who wished everything he touched to turn into gold, but you can’t eat gold. Or the Norse mythology where an ointment is put over one eye to see all the riches of the world and the man begs to have it put on his second eye since he believes the ointment will allow him to see where the riches are, even after being told time after time, it’ll make him go blind, but he gets it put on his eye, and goes blind. “Sophie’s choice” It’s a metaphor, but what is it a metaphor fo...

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The Neo’s and the C’s

James Offenhartz

Because it’s the American dream. We are in America, aren’t we? I’m not sure, either. See, remember what they used to say? The American dream? A house for everyone, two cars in the garage, a spouse, kids, etc., except for me. That’s what America was but not what it is now and no, I’m not one of those, “Make America Great Again,” bastards. What I’m saying is the opposite of that. What im saying is everyone should be allowed to own a house, which becomes a home, to get married, have, . . . You’re not understanding, you’re thi...

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Cacophonous juggernaut

James Offenhartz

Because of natural law on both sides of the equation. Natural Law here; Natural Law there. Everywhere in the known and unknown universe, until now. Maybe a parallel universe is combining with ours. I know that doesn’t make sense. Think about gravity. People think gravity doesn’t exist in space, but it does, until now. The planets seem like a bunch of billiard balls bouncing around. The scientists thought the size or configuration of the stars might have changed, but there’s no evidence to support this hypothesis. None. People t...

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Letting it Go

James Offenhartz

You’ve failed and you’ve lost your credentials. It’s over. There are other churches where you can get your credentials. Let it go. Start again somewhere else. Maybe give up being a member of the church. Yes, I know you’ve invested tons of time and money in it, but you fucked up, so let it go. Just let it go and start over somewhere else with someone else. Think of it like a burnt steak or a pickle. You can’t unburn a steak. You can’t unpickle it back to a cucumber. But you can buy another cucumber or a new steak. That’s wh...

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A Family Meal Restaurant Menu

James Offenhartz

Appetizers Small TalkThis is a great way to start before the main argument of the night. Choose from a wide variety of bullshit like the weather, how the dogs or kids are doing, your favorite sports team, local news, unimportant things of all variety. If you don’t see the bullshit you’re looking for, ask your server. Jokes These jokes are are old classics. If they’re stale, tell your server, and they can ask Sierri for a joke or look upa Dad joke for and get ready to groan. For an extra groan, ask for a new Dad joke. It’ll even make...

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Solitary confinement

James Offenhartz

You know what, I quit, everything, period. I’m burnt out, so I quit. I quit everything. It’s not because you did anything, it’s just. No, I’m not angry. I know I made a commitment, but I didn’t sign anything. I’m under no legal obligation to . . . But I need to . . . I haven’t slept in five days. I quit. How would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Do you want to trade places? I’m in too many clubs and I don’t know which to drop because everyone’s counting on me, but . . . Yes, I know. What about the organizations w...

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Agent

James Offenhartz

Because I’m the one who can get your story off the fucking pile. Without me, your manuscript will sit on the pile for months, maybe years. That’s why you need me and I have coffee with publishing houses. No, I know you can’t talk to a house, I talked to the people who work in the publishing houses and I see and ask what they’re looking for and that’s how people like you get published. By paying a meager 15% of the contract I can get you with someone like Random House or Penguin or any other New York House. The coffee you’re paying for...

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