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James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories (89)

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5 Followers

16 Following

89 Stories

51 karma pts

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Hypocrisy

James Offenhartz

Because if I buy a lottery ticket, win the Publisher’s Clearance House, or win these contests, I can appeal and get the fuck out of this shit hole and have money to do so and decide what I do with my own money. Wouldn’t that be great?! Why would I want to be saved? Isn’t it great? No credit card bills, my rent’s paid, my health care is covered, what else could I want? As the trite phrase goes, “The grass is always greener”. My cousins are all married, my friends are all married, and I’m not. My slave owner told me if I get married, I’d lose ...

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Fuck up

James Offenhartz

I don’t know how to fix this. You fucked up and are going to prison and that’s the least of your concerns. You fucked up. Let me rephrase that; you are a fuck up. You’re the reason why doctors created abortions. You’re used to this, the put downs, they’ve become second nature to you. And yes you fucked up again but maybe this time when you attempt suicide, it’ll work. Remember the play/book/movie, “Of Mice and Men,” when he kills Lennie, wish there was someone who’d do that for me because he’s right; I did fuck up and I am a fuc...

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Prize

James Offenhartz

What’s at stake? Everything. Like rolling three doubles in monopoly or picking a get out of jail free card. We’re not prisoners, but we may as well be. I don’t live in the United States, I live in Florida. Or a section of Florida that isn’t in the US. Well, it is, but it isn’t. Hell, anywhere I go in the US, is not in America. Must be ‘cause my shoes weren’t made in America, right? Something like that. None of the Amendments in the Constitution apply to me, unless I get on this new show on GSN, you know? The Game Show Networ...

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RGB

James Offenhartz

Everything’s fucked up and you don’t understand. You can’t see you or hear you? But you can see and hear you and you can see each other, but not all of each other. This doesn’t make sense. What? Are you “Mr. Cellophane” from Chicago? What the hell’s going on? 2 + 2 ‎ = . 1 + 3 = 4. 4 + 0 ‎ = . This is logical. Like if you see you, you can see yourself (unless there’s a hidden camera), and vice versa. Think about truck mirrors: “If you can’t see my mirror, I can’t see you”. What’s going on? You try something si...

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Wood

James Offenhartz

You’re out of “the woods”. But . . .but this is like my family. This is all I have; it’s everything. This was the one place I could be me. Now, now what do I do? Where do I go? Yes, I realize our teacher is dead, but we could teach each other. Yeah but the only way we can get experience is if we keep woodcarving. I could look on YouTube and we could stay together, like friends do or we could pick up something else. Yeah, well I don’t know anything but woodcarving either. We could look on meetup or maybe there are online class...

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The woman with the nuts

James Offenhartz

Oh boy, she’s back! She’s back! Yea and she has what I want. She thinks I understand what she’s saying. Think of it like universal aphasia. She doesn’t understand what I’m saying and I have no idea what she, or the man sitting next to her are saying but who cares? Some of them think animals can’t talk, but we can, just in a different way. Like imagine you’re going to CAR; Do you speak Sango. Do you, the reader, speak Sango? No? But if someone in Sango had something you wanted, like diamonds, you’d still try to get them t...

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Hell’s Cinderella

James Offenhartz

It isn’t that I don’t love them. I do love them, I’m just tired of seeing everyone else have everything I want. I’m like the Cinderella of Hell. “Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.” God curse the United States of America. Now, why would I say that? Well, as Julie Andrews said, “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start”, but which beginning? Where? When? And why me? * I was born in George, Washington in October 15, 1974 and . . . Oh, boy. You’re already confused and I haven’t gotten to the confusin...

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GOK

James Offenhartz

Don’t you remember me?! Take a deep breath. What’s the last thing you remember? Ok. Let’s start simple: What’s your name? You don’t know. How old are you? You don’t know . And you don’t know who I am? Long day. Do you have any brothers or sisters and if so, how many? What do you know? Well, let me start by telling you where you are: You’re in a hospital or a rehab facility. This is a rehab hospital. What are you doing here? Do you remember? You don’t. Any guesses? You got in an accident. You ha...

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I don’t know

James Offenhartz

I don’t know who I am. I’ve read hundreds of self-help books and they’ve all failed. I’m hopeless. I’ve gone to lectures, life coaches. Crap. I can talk to you, right? Good. Let’s start with my life coach, because why not? Get a life coach; why not? This will solve all your problems. Answer the questions (honestly) and it’ll tell you what to do with your life. Easy, right? Sort of. Fill out a survey. Questions like do you like spending time with other people or do you prefer doing things by yourself? I don’t know. Like I like reading by myse...

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Safety

James Offenhartz

This is what you’ve prayed for and worked for; a second chance; the American dream. This is “the land of opportunity” where someone can come from another country and become a billionaire, right? Streets paved of gold and I’m here and now I’m free, so now what? It’s said, “Home is where the heart is,” but in my country, that’s bullshit. “Home is where the” hell is. Women get beat up by their boyfriends or husbands and nobody cares. We can’t own property, we’re not allowed to file for divorce, we’re dogs in a cage. ...

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You

James Offenhartz

I can’t sleep. That’s a misstatement. I can’t sleep not because I’m not able to but because I don’t have time to. My schedule is packed. Too many obligations. Too many clubs. Too many “friends”. The news says isolation is as harmful as cigarettes. Wonder what it says about too many friends or too much going on. They haven’t done studies on that yet since there’s money in joining clubs or churches or being an officer for an organization or all the organizations . I can’t sleep. It’s like crack cocaine, adrenaline. ...

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Bullying from the Bitch

James Offenhartz

Are you there, God, it’s me, and no, I’m not Margarette. There are four major changes in life: “moving, breaking up or divorce, job change or loss, and loss of a loved one” and lucky me, I’m getting all four at once. So, the trite question everyone asks You/you, Why me? I didn’t do anything wrong. There was nothing I could have done to prevent this. It’s his fault (and Your fault). I don’t know where I’m going to live now. I might be homeless. I’ve called up homeless shelters and they’re all full. I’m on all the waiting lists but if I don’t ...

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Tech Guy

James Offenhartz

Eureka. This is great. This will advance education by millennia. And I invented it and patented it. I’ll be the first in my family to be rich. See, think about computers. You can send emails, text messages, upload files and data. “No more teachers, no more books, no more teachers’ dirty looks.” See, imagine not just learning basics in school like multiplication tables, division, Spanish or French, or anything. Well, the government is going to save billions all because of me and I’ll be rich and famous. I’ll pay famous actors, ...

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Military Gas

James Offenhartz

We were moving, officer, from Pennsylvania and we’re moving to Virginia or she’s moving to Virginia and we’re helping her move. See, this is my daughter, Laura, and my son, Bob and she just graduated and we celebrated and we moved her here and we got this U-Haul and we were low on gas and we saw this gas station and the U- Haul was low on gas so we thought we’d stop here and get some gas, maybe a snack and some beers. We weren’t trying to break any laws, we were just trying to gas up our truck. What? No, we rented this truck, t...

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Juxtaposition

James Offenhartz

You made a deal and not with the Devil or Wayne Brady and they’re not the same. No, you made a deal with Chaos Publishing. Should’ve known by the name it was a bad idea. Chaos, the enemy of Maxwell Smart, right? What the fuck am I talking about? Fame. Fortune. This is one of the ways to get out of poverty, desperation, the ghetto. Prosperity, riches, fame. So, I signed it, the publishing contract, but I also signed a deal with Zwandilla. No one’s ever heard of her. Think of her like the Mafia, but not from Russia. Fuck Russia, Mex...

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