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James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories (59)

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4 Followers

16 Following

59 Stories

33 karma pts

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A cage

James Offenhartz

“This is Hell. Welcome to Hell.” Or as Alanis Morissette says, “Why are you so petrified of silence? Here, can you handle this?” I could handle it. I’d give my left arm for it. If I stay in my room, I hear my neighbor say, “I farted. I upchucked. It’s stinky. It’s pungent,” at full volume. God, give my neighbor laryngitis. Or let me lose my hearing so I can escape this cacophony. “Be Careful What You Pray For, You Just Might Get It”. But, I can hear what the reader is thinking: Why don’t you just leave your room...

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Juxtaposition

James Offenhartz

Wait, they’re there, right? No? Then I’m a medium? Not exactly. Mediumship is like pregnancy, you’re either a medium or you’re not. What if I’m in a cusp or on a cusp or something. Think about “Row, row, row your boat”. For all we know, Earth could be the dream and the dreams could be reality or they could both be real or both fake. You don’t know that. Yes, I a...

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The Universe, Aphasia.

James Offenhartz

Some idiot is in front of me with a sheet of paper that says . . . .Universal Aphasia. I’ve never heard of that. Hell, I didn’t even know Universes had names. I knew planets had names and in the Marvel Universe and for Ph D. students there are parallel universes, “buy does that mean I’m in a different Universe called Aphasia. Did Scotty, “Beam me, Up”. Maybe I’m dreaming or lucid dreaming or something. So, I ask this idiot to take me to his (her?) leader. They just shrug their shoulders, shake their ...

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Clue of the Wooden Puppet

James Offenhartz

Clue of the wooden puppet Yes, I know it needs work. Ok, it needs a lot of work, but can you fix it? Yes, I’ve been working at this craft for over 30 years. I can fix it. Are there any specific concerns you have and what’s the deadline? Or is there a deadline? I need it within six months. Six months is doable. Other than aesthetics, are there any specifics you want to fix? Or, maybe I should say what would you like to have ...

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A window in Time.

James Offenhartz

“First time on an airplane or maybe you pronounce it, aeroplane, doesn’t matter. Welcome aboard. How’re you doing, today?” They think I be stupid, ‘cause I be young and don’t talk good. Say I’m LD, but don’t know what LD be. Think it be name for records they be putting on turntables, but I’m not no record. Sometimes Mommy says I be sounding like a record that be scratched or broken, but I don’t know what she be meaning by that. So, tell...

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Idiot Wish

James Offenhartz

This is the end of all racism or maybe all isms, right? Yeah, right. This won’t work in a billion years. Everyone’s going to hate you and not just the artists, animators, film makers, everybody. You’re an idiot But think of the Silverstein poem? That was made for kids, stupid kids. It’s not going to make everything right. It’s made everything wrong. And think about driving, flying, biking, ...

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Bbophbv

James Offenhartz

I’m an addict, but it’s hugs. I need hugs. But it’s more than that. See, there are all these different types of hugs. There’s the head-on hug, where two people walk or run towards each other and give each other a hug, and then sometimes they’ll let me hold on to them in the hug for thirty seconds or so and it feels like the antithesis of loneliness. Wonder if there’s a word for that in English. Thesaurus.com gave shitty antonyms for lonely like . . . I forgot ‘caus...

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Those Three Magic Words

James Offenhartz

“Remember, don’t say those three words or the name of the Scottish Play,” I said. “But, why? We’ve been dating for three months and I . . .” She said. “Don’t say it,” I said, “And you know why . . .The Spell”. “Thesbians are weird. There is no spell. Nothing’ll happen if I say . . .” she said. “Let’s talk about something else, please. How about those Eagles?” he said. “I’m not into sports and you know that,”. She said. “Ok...

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Midnight Your in a Nation.

James Offenhartz

This room is unfamiliar. I don’t know how I got here. Where’s my mom, dad, Jill, or Airy. Airy’s the dog, but maybe you knew that. White walls. Doesn’t make sense. I’ve never had white walls. Always teal or light green. Never white. But, that’s not what I’m thinking about. I look at my wrist and my watch is missing. Someone at school stole my watch? Anyway, I’ll figure that out in a minute.&nbs...

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Psychic Meteorology.

James Offenhartz

Because I can or maybe it’s we can or I plural can. It’s hard to explain cause it’s easy. It’s so easy a dog could do it, but dogs can’t do it because dogs mirror humans and most humans can’t do it or, that’s wrong. Goddamn it, it’s easier to show you than explain it to you. Let’s try it a different way. You can see auras, right? You can’t. I thought everyone could see auras. Ok, well, feel by this table, can you feel that? Really...

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Milestones

James Offenhartz

I just don’t care anymore. I know I should care, but I don’t. No, wait, maybe that’s wrong. Or maybe it’s like a callus. The skin on our bodies that toughens with exercise or use. Like a drummer or a gymnasts’ hands. You know? When I was in the ALC, the first three times my friends died, I cried, but after 60 deaths of old people, I calloused, because if I didn’t, it would be like my heart going through a shredder. &nbs...

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Memes

James Offenhartz

This is impossible. No one could do this, ever. It’s impossible. Fuck! The news station says the inferno is coming closer. Why didn’t we vote for the goddamn water reservoir. That would have solved this. Dumbass tax breaks from Republican morons. Oh, no, let’s not spend money unnecessarily on fire safety in a place that has fires every fucking year? Why do that? The insurance companies fucked everyone over, in...

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8

James Offenhartz

I’m useless? Don’t say that. There’s got to be something I’m useful for. As the expression goes, “Even a broken clock is right twice a day”. That’s outdated too? How do people tell time, then? Digital, on their phones and watches? Bet they still have analog watch faces. Iwatch. Yeah, I guess this is Iwatch or my watch as they’d say in my time. I is for apple? “What you talking about, Wil...

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Dement

James Offenhartz

Wait, who are you again. No, you’re not my daughter. Have you seen her though? You must be a friend of my daughter’s. I’m not signing no legal papers giving you nothing. No way. I ain’t stupid. What’s your name? It is? That’s also my daughter’s name. That’s weird. Maybe I’m asking for the wrong person. She got a job at a la...

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The Gift?

James Offenhartz

I have men’s intuition. Nobody’s heard of men’s intuition or maybe they have? Think of it like “Gibb’s gut” from NCIS on CBS. Something feels off. I’m a medium/psychic so I would know. It’s Christmas and it feels off. Kind of like gaydar, but not gaydar. It’s Christmas, I’m sober. Everything should be good. I’m home, got an alarm system, lights are on, but I have an inclination and every time I ignore my intu...

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