James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories (53)

53 Stories

32 karma pts

?

ā€œBbophbvā€ by James Offenhartz

Iā€™m an addict, but itā€™s hugs.  I need hugs.  But itā€™s more than that.   See, there are all these different types of hugs.  Thereā€™s the head-on hug, where two people walk or run towards each other and give each other a hug, and then sometimes theyā€™ll let me hold on to them in the hug for thirty seconds or so and it feels like the antithesis of loneliness.  Wonder if thereā€™s a word for that in English.   Thesaurus.com gave shitty antonyms for lonely like . . . I forgot ā€˜caus...

0 comments 0
Read story

ā€œThose Three Magic Wordsā€ by James Offenhartz

ā€œRemember, donā€™t  say those three words or the name of the Scottish Play,ā€ I said.   ā€œBut, why?   Weā€™ve been dating for three months and I . . .ā€ She said.   ā€œDonā€™t say it,ā€ I said, ā€œAnd you know why . . .The Spellā€. ā€œThesbians are weird.   There is no spell.   Nothingā€™ll happen if I say . . .ā€ she said. ā€œLetā€™s talk about something else, please.  How about those Eagles?ā€ he said.   ā€œIā€™m not into sports and you know that,ā€. She said.   ā€œOk...

0 comments 0
Read story

ā€œMidnight Your in a Nation. ā€ by James Offenhartz

This room is unfamiliar.   I donā€™t know how I got here.  Whereā€™s my mom, dad, Jill, or Airy.  Airyā€™s the dog, but maybe you knew that.  White walls.  Doesnā€™t make sense.  Iā€™ve never had white walls.  Always teal or light green.  Never white.   But, thatā€™s not what Iā€™m thinking about.  I look at my wrist and my watch is missing.  Someone at school stole my watch?   Anyway, Iā€™ll figure that out in a minute.&nbs...

0 comments 0
Read story

ā€œPsychic Meteorology. ā€ by James Offenhartz

Because I can or maybe itā€™s we can or I plural can.  Itā€™s hard to explain cause itā€™s easy.  Itā€™s so easy a dog could do it, but dogs canā€™t do it because dogs mirror humans and most humans canā€™t do it or, thatā€™s wrong. Goddamn it, itā€™s easier to show you than explain it to you.      Letā€™s try it a different way. You can see auras, right?   You canā€™t.  I thought everyone could see auras.  Ok, well, feel by this table, can you feel that?   Really...

0 comments 0
Read story

ā€œMilestones ā€ by James Offenhartz

I just donā€™t care anymore.  I know I should care, but I donā€™t.   No, wait, maybe thatā€™s wrong.   Or maybe itā€™s like a callus.  The skin on our bodies that toughens with exercise or use.  Like a drummer or a gymnastsā€™ hands.  You know?   When I was in the ALC, the first three times my friends died, I cried, but after 60 deaths of old people, I calloused, because if I didnā€™t, it would be like my heart going through a shredder.     &nbs...

0 comments 0
Read story

ā€œMemesā€ by James Offenhartz

This is impossible.  No one could do this, ever.  Itā€™s impossible.  Fuck!   The news station says the inferno is coming closer.  Why didnā€™t we vote for the goddamn water reservoir.   That would have solved this.  Dumbass tax breaks from Republican morons.  Oh, no, letā€™s not spend money unnecessarily on fire safety in a place that has fires every fucking year?   Why do that?   The insurance companies fucked everyone over, in...

0 comments 0
Read story

ā€œ8ā€ by James Offenhartz

Iā€™m useless?  Donā€™t say that.  Thereā€™s got to be something Iā€™m useful for.  As the expression goes, ā€œEven a broken clock is right twice a dayā€.   Thatā€™s outdated too?   How do people tell time, then?   Digital, on their phones and watches?   Bet they still have analog watch faces.  Iwatch.  Yeah, I guess this is Iwatch or my watch as theyā€™d say in my time.   I is for apple?   ā€œWhat you talking about, Wil...

0 comments 0
Read story

ā€œDementā€ by James Offenhartz

Wait, who are you again.  No, youā€™re not my daughter.   Have you seen her though?   You must be a friend of my daughterā€™s.   Iā€™m not signing no legal papers giving you nothing.   No way.  I ainā€™t stupid.   Whatā€™s your name?   It is?   Thatā€™s also my daughterā€™s name.   Thatā€™s weird.        Maybe Iā€™m asking for the wrong person.   She got a job at a la...

0 comments 0
Read story

ā€œThe Gift?ā€ by James Offenhartz

I have menā€™s intuition.   Nobodyā€™s heard of menā€™s intuition or maybe they have?   Think of it like ā€œGibbā€™s gutā€ from NCIS on CBS.   Something feels off.  Iā€™m a medium/psychic so I would know.  Itā€™s Christmas and it feels off.  Kind of like gaydar, but not gaydar.   Itā€™s Christmas, Iā€™m sober.   Everything should be good.   Iā€™m home, got an alarm system, lights are on, but I have an inclination and every time I ignore my intu...

0 comments 0
Read story

ā€œPoint Change ā€ by James Offenhartz

     I keep seeing it, monotonously, but not monotonously.   I can and canā€™t explain.  Both, neither, like yes and no and maybe at the same time.   Shrinks thinks itā€™s different things.   One says Alzheimerā€™s/Dementia, another says PTSD, the third says insomnia, and I got Rxes from all of them and now Iā€™m more confused.  Just donā€™t send me back to the Looney Bin.  There were only two things good about that place:  1).  They...

0 comments 0
Read story

ā€œWishā€ by James Offenhartz

"Be careful what you wish for, or should I say pray for, you just might get it." That's what they tell idiots, which 99 % of people are. They pray for money, it causes inflation, they pray to lose 50 lbs (lbs is short for pounds, since in astrology, libra holds scales), then, two months after plastic surgery, they eat what they ate before, and the wish was superfluous. Pray for power, but power shifts. Pray for food for everyone who's hungry and the ecology of the world gets fucked up and the world is overpopulated. Luckily, I'm smarter than...

0 comments 0
Read story

ā€œCat/Dogā€ by James Offenhartz

Daddy keeps asking church engines weird things about me.  I see weird TVs and these TVs talk back to this owner and I donā€™t know what heā€™s talking about.   Iā€™ve had different masters.  Three different masters.    Now, you might think thatā€™s because Iā€™m a bad dog, but itā€™s not.   Iā€™m a good dog, shit just happens and I just have to roll in it.       Like one time, one of my owners had a fenced backyard.   Or ā€œInvisible Fence...

0 comments 0
Read story

ā€œYellow cabsā€ by James Offenhartz

Because I donā€™t know.   I donā€™t work here.   I canā€™t help.  I keep telling you this.   Iā€™m not a car mechanic.   What you need is a car mechanic.   No, no.  I donā€™t want a car mechanic.   All I need is for you to come here, which is by the McDonaldā€™s on Husky and Main and help me jump start my car.   Itā€™ll just take you a minute.   Look.  I got other shit to do other than jump start your car every day.&n...

0 comments 0
Read story

ā€œPsychoā€ by James Offenhartz

What state am I in?   Iā€™m in a state of confusion or state of emergency.  Canā€™t remember which.   If I came home and I saw the door was broken into.  What would I do?   I donā€™t have no home so I ainā€™t got to worry none about that.   Gotta worry about rain, sleet, hail, where to piss and shit so I ainā€™t arrested for indecent exposure again.   Gotta go out in a woods or rainforest or something.   Dig into dumpsters for left over shit t...

0 comments 0
Read story

ā€œ9ā€ by James Offenhartz

           January 5, 1996 Dear Auset, If only words could heal, Iā€™d say Iā€™m sorry in an instant.   I know I was in the wrong and I admit it, but I didnā€™t know that back then.  Back then, I was drinking, I was an . . . No, let me rephrase that, I am an alcoholic.   Iā€™m working the twelve steps of Alcoholism and Iā€™m up to step nine, which is:  ā€œMade direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or o...

0 comments 0
Read story

Author bio

James Offenhartz has not written a bio yet!