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James Offenha

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2019

Stories (200)

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251 Followers

19 Following

200 Stories

1474 karma pts

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Something That Could Read my Mind

           You know? It's that thing on the wall with the different switches for the house. One turns off the electricity in the kitchen, one turns off the electricity in the bathroom, and every other room in the house. What the hell is that thing called? No, not a fuse box. Though that's what they used to call it and people would put pennies in the fuse box when the fuse broke, which didn't work well. See, I have this problem all the time, called Tip of the...

1 like

Eureka

Write your story about a magical potion which may or may not work.            Eureka! I found it. The wait time is two hours for every other medication, but I found the magical potion or color or music or something. See the second chakra's color is orange, so I had the person soak in orange colored light while listening to a D note on a piano. A long D note. Then, I put a D pitch fork by the organ and it worked. . . Well, it worked in 65 % of the patients.&nbsp...

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Disability

           Wow, this is my first time. Wonder if it'll be weird like the first time you kiss a girl or the first time you fuck a girl. Wonder if it'll be like that, but less glamorous. I know what I'm getting into. I walk through the door, books all on the shelves arranged by the decimal systems. They used to have card catalogs, but now it's all computerized. Thank God. I can find what I'm looking for or know they don't have it in one minute instea...

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Genius

Write a story about a brilliant scientist making a startling discovery.            Eureka!!! I've found it. Like everything else scientific, it could be used for good or evil. Let us all pray it's used for good. Some say God isn't scientific, but we know better. God and I. See, God is scientific since God is energy. “God always has been, always will be, can never be created nor destroyed, and is everywhere”. “Energy always has been, always will b...

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Mu Shi Human

Coming up with a gift idea was the easy part – getting your hands on it is another thing entirely. He likes strange things. He always liked strange things. But there are two things he's always obessed with: strange foods and weird sex fantancies. Well, due to my health problems sex, is out (and no, you pervert, I don't have an STD). There are many foods he's fantacised about, but coming up with the gift idea is the easy part, getting my hands on it is another thing entirely. He's had rocky mountain osters, bu...

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paranoid on pot

           Wow! I feel great. Just got a new car, new home, new lawn mower, I handcuffed my new wife, life is good. She's going to give me five babies, three boys and two girls. It's gonna be great. She even know Spanish. I wonder if she knows English. Oh, well. Gonna get a home house for her. A home house is like a dog house, but for wives. Gotta make sure it's close enough to the bathroom and shower. Gonna clean her once a month.&n...

2 likes

breath taking

           I enter the building, books on every shelf and shiver. I'm sixteen and could get in trouble, but it is for “educational purposes,” but not for school. I go up to the front desk where a school librarian greets me with a smile. She asks, “Can I help you?”            I tell her I'd called up this library and they said there was a video I could watch. I describe the video and the woman nods. She looks ...

2 likes

RAM

El Perro necessita caca. That's what this idiot keeps saying to me. El Perro necessita caca and no, he doesn't. He's perfectly happy sitting here on my lap. I feed him my lunch and then get lunch for me. Now, though, el perro necessita caca. Cielito Lindo. “Vemos ye ramos, sento yo lito, yendo ye nimbo rambos. Ay ya ya ya” 'That's no mouse. That's el gato. Quick. Run. Run' from Cats and Bruises  in LT. You have amennoreah, sir. El em en oh pee. Caca. Po...

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Bad Luck

           And there's a black cat, which people say are bad luck. I walk around Cat Rangers. I shouldn't be here, but I want the work history for the day I become free. Worked this many years at Cat Rangers. I brush the cat hair off of toys, clean the windows, do the dishes, and pet the cats. Good job, but in truth I'm a dog person at Cat Ranger's and it's volunteer. I didn't tell my parents, which I should have. See, my dad's allergic to cats. Th...

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To Do List

Write a story about a character who is moving on, literally or figuratively.            Here's a list of groups I'm in or are joining: I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous, Workaholics Anonymous, Caffeine Addicts Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, I'm a proud member of the Society of American Magicians, I'm a proud participant in three churches via Zoom, one in California, one in Chicago, and one in Virginia, I meditate six times a day, I work out for at least two hours five days a week, I'm...

2 likes

The Man in the Cowboy Boots

           He's right in front of you, you idiot. What do you mean there's nobody there? Of course there's somebody there. He's wearing a beige top hat, a blue and red checkered shirt, khaki pants, white socks, and cowboy boots. He's sitting right beside you reading the Plain Dealer. I'm nuts? No, you're nuts. You're the one who doesn't see the man. I'll talk to him and see if there's anything he wants to tell you or you want to tell him. Ok, ...

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I quit

           “I quit”. I'm tired, I'm exhausted. I do everything in every grouping so, I quit. I've been Director of Community Relations for RUFS, I've been program assitant at a Senior Day care, I was a member of SAM's, I'm a member of a GYM, I'm a member of ATD, I'm a member of AA. I'm a member of everything and I quit. I'm tired of being tired and not being able to sleep. I'm tired of cramming my memory with all the club events and business meetings. I'm ju...

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My fault

           This is all my fault. I do blame my nephew though. This is all my fault. I'm being evicted from my home, losing all my friends, my cell phone and ipad, my girlfriend, my meals, my cleaner, my future. My nephew had to tell my parents the “good news”. I should give him a fat lip. Fuck America. The constitution applies to everyone but me. Fuck America.  Kill the parents and my sister's family. All they had to do was nothing.&...

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"What you want"

Nobody wants to be me. Man, nobody. Welcome to NYC. Got a job here but got canned. Been trying to get another job, but can't; There are no other jobs on the market. So, tomorrow I'm going to be homeless unless I convince my family to take me back in, but I've asked and there's no room in anyone's place and no extra money for food. I maxed out my credit cards by “borrowing from Paul to pay Peter”. I've given my stuff to my friends and family to hold until I get back on my feet. I hope I get back on my f...

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NDE

Write a story about someone facing death for the first time in their lives.  I put on my black, leather jacket that keeps me warm on the road. I put on my black gloves and put my black helmet and black scarf on. I'm sober and the only one in my cycle family who is. When I told my doctor I was getting me cycle, he told me I might as well buy a gun and put a hole in my head since it'd be less painful. But, I didn't listen and got my cycle. Her name is Sue after my girlfriend. So, I get on Sue, turn the igni...

1 like