James Offenha

“The Mad Mob” by James Offenha

     We got up the next morning and the fucking fire is still there and the maniacs are starting to herd.  Great.  So, I try to think of where to hide this stupid dog and come up with the attic.  Maybe they won’t think to look in the attic. I walked him at 4 am, so I’ll hide the puppy there and tell the mad mob that their Holy Heinous has gone to the Central African Republic (CAR).  Why not?   That’s a long way from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.   &nbs...

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“Pyromaniac Puppy” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #63

    By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire.  Bad dog.  I go to the side of the house, I unring the hose, screw it in the faucet, and point it at the fire:   The water comes out, but the fire doesn’t terminate.  Damn it!   Bad dog!   So, I turn off the hose and the fire’s still there. I think of calling 911, but then I remember my son, Sean,  got a chemistry kit for a science class with a fire blanket.   I fi...

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“Bushington’s Box” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #62

    He’s dead, we think.   Maybe, but dogs are burrowing creatures and Bushington was or maybe is a rascal and we keep finding things.  Now, if he was a normal dog, we might find treats, bones, perhaps a small dead animal, but he was/is Bushington.  You know how you look at certain things and it reminds you of what happened with that thing, like the teddy bear that was a gift from your deceased grandmother.   So, we go through the house and find oddities of Bushington and ...

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“Clarissa’s Blanket ” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #61

    She was here, but where is she?   This is Bobo and I’m not a clown.  Everyone sweats, pees, poops:  it’s normal, but I haven’t seen Clarissa in weeks.   See, usually when our family goes on car rides, unless it’s to a restaurant, we all go, but when Clarissa went, it was just her and Daddy.  No one else went, but just daddy came back, but when Daddy first brought Clarissa home, she laid down on this blanket and tinkled, the way puppies do, but she hasn’t come...

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“CR:” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #60

     The humans always said we’d be the ones to survive the apocalypse and they were right.   There’s no more pesticides, which is good, but we’re the only ones left, so there’s little to no food, so we have to use the CAN method, which humans thought were vulgar, but they’re dead, which means they didn’t know better.       So, the CAN method.  I’m a male CR, so I find a female CR and we mate. She gets pregnant, has little ones a quarter of which grow up and...

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“A Weird Car” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #59

     We leave home, my master and me, but I don’t know where we’re going.  I never know, but I’m glad I’m going.  I’ve been begging to go.  I tried sneaking into the suitcase, but he found me, but I’m going.  That’s the important part is I’m going.        He zips up his suitcase and takes it out to the car.  Then he comes in and puts me in the passenger seat, turns the car on, and cracks the windows open.  I smell out the c...

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“My Alienable Rights ” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #58

     They’re gone.  I can’t believe it.  They’re gone.   My rights.   My rights guaranteed in the Constitution of the United States of America are gone.  All of them gone with three signatures; one of them mine; two of them my Legal Guardians, and none of this is legal, but they’re gone.  Welcome to my world.  (Welcome to Hell).  Welcome to Legal Guardianship and being a dependent in the United States of America.  You ...

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“In Memorial, Bushington” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #57

      We don’t know whether or not he’s dead, but we all miss Bushington, so we, after a family meeting in the basement, decide to have a memorial service in the backyard.   We go to the supermarket (around the corner) to buy flowers and bring them to the backyard.   Then, Mommy and Daddy light a memorial candle and we take a moment of silence for Bushington.  Daddy says a short prayer.          Then, we talk about all the memor...

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“Bushington’s Addiction” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #56

     I took out my PDA (My family doesn’t know where I am) and type, “My name is Bushington and I’m an alcoholic”.   I’ve never drank alcohol, but I’m here, so why not?   They go around the table and everyone introduces themselves.   But, there’s an argument about whether or not I should get to stay.   After all, I am a dog.  However, the people in charge (why is it always people in charge instead of dogs?) say they’ll discuss it at the business me...

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“My Little Secret” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #55

     I found my PDA, it was in the attic in a chest without a lock.  So, I plugged it in and waited.   When the bar got past 80 percent, I logged in and went to a website where I could meet a date.   Someone who wants to settle down, get married, have some babies, the usual.  So, I went to a dating website where the website had me fill out a survey: How old are you? Well, 4 times 7 is 28 so I write, “28”   Do you smoke? No Do you drink? Yes How...

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“Ralphy In The Rough” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #54

    It’s spring and my new master is Insane (that’s his name) and insane (his mental state). My name is Ralphy and I am a pure bred, grade A, male, unneutered chihuahua.  At my old home, I won first prize four years in a row as a toy dog in the annual dog show.  Then, as happens with winners who are getting older, I got sold.  This is normal.  Usually we’re sold so we can mate with females, with similar characteristics, so we can make puppies, which can be sold for a lot of money.&n...

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“Hound Alone” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #53

      My masters turned the air conditioning off to cut down on the electricity bill.   I don’t know what that means, but I feel like a live lobster in a pot of boiling water on the stove.   Those leftovers are yummy.  I walk over to my food bowl.  There’s lots of dry brown pebbles for me to eat, but there’s only a little bit of water in the other bowl.   Why did they fill my food bowl and not the water bowl?   It doesn’t make any se...

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“Bye Bye Bushington” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #52

     It’s been a few years and Bushington has mellowed out.  He gave up his PDA and stopped trying to run away.   That is after all the headaches he caused which aren’t even included in this story.   Like once, we took Bushington to the airport and unbeknownst to us, he had a hidden suitcase, and our family boarded the airplane with Bushington in a cage under my seat.  Now, most dogs whimper when a plane takes off because they’re scared, but not Bushington. &nbsp...

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“Bushington’s Vet” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #51

Well, I call up the vet and they say they can only reverse that kind of surgery in humans and not in dogs.  Dang it!  So, I decide to start calling up a counselor and talking about my frustrations using my PDA (I found it behind Mommy and Daddy’s bed).  But, I start thinking about what my life was like before I moved here and can’t keep it out of my head.  Then, I start having nightmares.  See, humans don’t think us dogs have nightmares or even dreams, but we do.  I don’t always rem...

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“Bushington’s Big Proposal ” by James Offenha

Submitted to Contest #50

     I snuck out last night.  Everyone was sleeping, so I snuck out, but I didn’t go outside, I went to Roseta’s desktop on the first floor.  I would’ve gone to her laptop, but it was closed.   I started thinking about my proposal:   What should I say, what should it sound like, when should I deliver this great letter out loud?  Maybe see what the weather feels like the next few weeks; I want to make sure everything’s perfect.  I only have one shot...

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