Chris Wagner

“Dino” by Chris Wagner

I didn't know the blue pig monsters lurked behind the foliage until they jumped out and chased me with their spears. When I ran, the ball of alien pheromone sloshed open, giving a swarm of pterodactyl things entirely the wrong idea about my romantic life. This whole mess began because of those pterodactyl things. Kurroks. Don't know why my team drove a Jeep out in the middle of that field of candy striped crab grass, I wasn't there. Also don't know how that swarm of leathery winged creatures got the idea to use it as a nest. The only thing...

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“The Pig Monster” by Chris Wagner

The glass and steel corporate offices of a major banking institution stood in the center of a jungle on an alien planet. Don't ask me how it got there, I barely knew how the generator worked. I stood naked in a call center room, one with ceiling to floor glass windows overlooking trees with glowing, candy-like leaves, as my green skinned girlfriend fitted me with a revealing leather harness. "This once belonged to a Thark who worked in the Fraud Department," said my girlfriend. "He was a little larger than you, but the straps are adjustable....

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“Dreamwalker” by Chris Wagner

I've always had the problem, even as a small child. But now, as I neared my twenty fourth birthday, it kept getting worse. Last night, I sleepwalked. I pretty much got one hour of actual rest, with a short, relatively normal dream about being late for school and not being able to find the building. My alarm clock interrupted me before I could find a way out of the train yard. I rolled out of bed feeling dead tired. A shower snapped me out of it a little, but I still felt rough. I went through my normal morning routine, drove off to work. I'v...

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“The Storage Unit” by Chris Wagner

You could easily drive past the Cloverleaf Storage parking lot. You had to do a sharp turn immediately after crossing the railroad tracks. Not exactly convenient, either. The morning he had to open the unit, the train kept going for what seemed like a good couple hours before he could at last get in. Pitiful property. Dirt and gravel for the most part, sunken muddy ditches, junker cars rusting along the fences, including a camper with four flat tires. He had to check his tires every day to make sure he didn't roll ...

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“Osmifa” by Chris Wagner

A first kiss is a big deal, especially when you're in your forties and you're still a virgin.  The bizarre associated circumstances, though, I cannot easily erase from my mind. I'd been working for Bullseye for over a year.  Entry level job. Because of Covid. Got promoted to the front a few months in. We dug out all the Christmas shit the day after Halloween. Around thanksgiving, Bullseye didn't so much set it up as pack up the paper turkeys and shuffle Kris Kringle a couple aisles to the front.  Bulls...

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“The Book With The Plus Sign” by Chris Wagner

I found a little black book in the jumpsuit pocket of an astronaut I killed. A bit hard to open with tentacles, but I had my three fingered claws busy holding the victim's severed femur to my mouth, and didn't want to get blood on the pages. A gold plus symbol glittered on the cover. I stared at the object until all eight eyes crossed each other. I turned it upside down and sideways, but it didn't have any pictures. I showed the book to my sister, Tubrang, currently chewing on a second victim's brown hand. "Can you fi...

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“The Laughing Bats” by Chris Wagner

I sat on a dented cabinet from the wreck, silently watching my alien girlfriend burn offerings to her god. She genuflected with whispered prayers. My gaze drifted to the sheer mountains surrounding our encampment, graced by foliage bearing colors I once thought only possible by industrial manufacture. Behind them, in the sky, hung a huge pink-purple marble of a planet. She beckoned to me with a five fingered bird claw. "Jacob." I shook my head, refusing to kneel with her. Her frog mouth curled downwards in disappoin...

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“Rainbow Castle” by Chris Wagner

The Rainbow Warlock's castle stood along a rocky cliff. Ordinarily, I avoided touching its walls for fear of removing paint from the styrofoam, but recently things had become more lifelike. I ran my fingers over the cold, clammy stone, gazing upwards. Instead of terminating in a giant green foam compositing thing, a real tower...towered over me. An actual owl flitted through dead trees and brush in a place that should have been a painting. As a child, I would dream of the castle when sick with the fever. I floated int...

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“Dog Fight” by Chris Wagner

Submitted to Contest #102

Pedigree rattled in the green plastic dish as I filled it to overflowing, enough to feed three dogs. Trixie, my yellow lab, rushed out on the back porch, burying her face in the bowl. She growled when the cocker spaniel mongrel padded out, refusing to share.  Outside the dirty sliding door, Robin barked, baring her teeth. They jumped on each other, a hairy snarling ball, banging into the glass, rolling off the concrete steps, knocking aside the rose trellis. "Trixie!" I shouted, rushing to the patch of dirt where...

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“Just A Weirdo” by Chris Wagner

Submitted to Contest #101

Ping pong balls rained down from the dark storm clouds above my head. The orbs popped hollowly against the slimy rocks like laughter, adding to the jeering and mockery bubbling from the Depression Swamp. I wept uncontrollably, allowing the swamp to engulf my feet all the way to my ankles. A huge feathery puppet slogged up behind me, displaying an unusual resistance to felt destroying swamp water, and an even more unusual mobility of the neck. "Commander Weirdo, are those tears?" I couldn't speak. The black goose head craned...

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“King Malachi's Guest” by Chris Wagner

Submitted to Contest #100

"Unhand me, you brute!" I smiled as two of my salamander-like underlings carried in a near hog tied figure in a pink dress to my banquet table, depositing her in the seat of honor. "Welcome, Princess Strawberry." When our eyes met, her face flushed red, all the way to the tips of her pointy ears. "What is the meaning of this, you, you scaly creep?" I waved to the feast my reptilian chefs had set out on the linen spread. "Dinner." She shook her blonde locks out of her face, giving me a pouty look. "What, you intend...

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“Little Debbie” by Chris Wagner

Submitted to Contest #100

Ever since I was little, I wanted to work for Barry Davis, the animation king responsible for cartoons like Dash Galaxy and the Heroes of Space, Ace Squirrel Detective Agency, Mortimer Moose Caboose and Monsters Battle. Last October, I finally got my chance. Not quite what I dreamed about. They wanted a housekeeper, not an artist or animator. That being said, the ad called for a housekeeper with an art background, and it got sent to me by the career counselor at my art school. Plus, hey, this is Uncle Barry we're talkin...

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“For Crying Out Loud” by Chris Wagner

Submitted to Contest #99

Our minivan rolled down the freeway in the early morning hours. Outside the window, cows chewed cud by a lake beneath a dark blue sky. The driver had the A/C cranked up, but the summer heat hadn't struck for the day, making it kind of chilly to be wearing a t-shirt. The guys up front wore tuxedos like Jehovah's Witnesses, but our driver had Korean ancestry, and his companion came from India. I bet they were comfortable. I glanced at the cute Asian girl in the seat across from me, and she offered me her Tupperware container...

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“Commander Weirdo” by Chris Wagner

Submitted to Contest #98

The propeller slowly lost momentum as my Bird Chopper sank into the murky gray swamp. Just minutes ago, I'd been lacing my boots in the TV studio. The house lights dimmed as the low key farewell music played. A man in a feather and felt goose costume blew the cameras a kiss before taking the copilot's seat. The big propeller turned like a ceiling fan when you just pulled the chain to shut it off.  I donned my aviator glasses, saluting the kids in the television audience, clambered aboard. The Airwolf style jet bo...

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“Night Writer” by Chris Wagner

Submitted to Contest #97

At midnight, I stared out the window of my attic room, watching cars roll by the street lamps.  Nobody prowled the streets. Even the neighborhood cats had chosen to go elsewhere. I frowned at the abandoned pink Power Wheels car on someone's lawn. Unable to sleep, I'd switched on my computer, hoping to get a start on a novel, some...thing worth publishing, but the tower hummed idle, Wordpad showing a blank page. Nothing on the street provided any inspiration. Not even an owl flitted by to inspire me. I didn't wa...

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