Joe Smallwood

“Desperate Remedies” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #248

Dee flashed before me for a minute, his terrified look mirroring my own.“What?” he exclaimed before falling onto my new hardwood floors—the ones I had spent years saving for.I was good at saving up—I've been saving all my life. I always put off what could be done until tomorrow or next week. The years go by in what seems like a month, and then it's the new me! Ta-da! I fooled myself!Dee says I'm always fooling myself. We have the perfect marriage, and he’s always ahead of me. You’re such a mind reader! I told him one day. I meant it as a jok...

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“That Space Trip” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #247

I tried to make it work.How hard can it be when you don’t believe that time exists? Think of it. Here I am a (for lack of a better word) librarian responsible for late earth culture and whatnot, trying to process what exactly?That time does not exist.We are not far removed from the idea that existence is not real—except, of course, it is. Most people give up at this point, but not me. I have a job to do.I guess it is time for minutia. He is right before me while my mind is in the clouds. A simple question?“Mister, I heard that people visited...

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“Cue the Neighbor” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #246

Oh, you could talk me out of it if you seriously tried. I’m half expecting it. It’s a sideswipe away.As in something you never seriously do! Don’t you get it? Why do you always look at me that way? Like I don’t know what I am doing. Be serious for once!Systems analysts could problem-solve everything in half a second. Like I’m doing now. Whether they are human or not doesn’t matter. I don’t even know half the time!But look at it this way: you want a payoff, right? An Elationship? Perfect.Wuz! Slow tech! Five seconds till the sim payoff, and I...

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“Doolittle” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #245

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga,And your horse naturally won,Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia,To see the total eclipse of the sun…-Carly SimonIt never would work, would it? 1972, 2017, and now 2024. Total Eclipse, hardly!Cloudy with a chance of meatballs! I was stewing. What would I do with all that product, bought at higher prices that seemed reasonable for the enormous crowds who would appear…Magically. Or not. The weather was dictating my fortunes. Weather! Of all things.“You do what you have to do!” explained Doolittle,...

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“It Was Never Going to Be My Life” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #244

I don’t know what made me do it—climbing that mountain trail in the middle of winter in British Columbia. It was not my home or province.If only my life could be more simple. Born in China, I was shipped to Canada for twenty thousand dollars to be adopted by well-meaning but clueless Canadians.Two of them were needed to hatch the plot: an unwanted female baby from some low-income family in an obscure Chinese province who had to live in Ontario before she even knew her own country or her biological parents; what a story for a podcast! Except ...

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“Dandelion Bouquet” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #243

Anyone who landed on that world never came back—or communicated. They were still alive. I mean, the bio readouts were working. So, it was not our fault. No matter how many committees of inquiry they held, we had nothing to do with it!It's funny how that goes. You go out into space, and you take everything with you: your beliefs, your ideas, your life. Adapting or changing for what is out there? That wasn’t supposed to happen!You wouldn’t catch me going there. I'm a support specialist. I support you. As in, I’m okay with what you want to do. ...

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“Artful Dodger” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #242

"Just steal someone, and then you are done!""A gallery patron? An exhibition attendee? A…”"Whatever!"We met by happenstance at the museum. Then, we were off to the gallery across the street. I thought things were going well, but something didn't click. Emily was done with me, and I had no clue why.My opening play for her attention was an imaginary escapade with a speeding getaway boat, confused gendarmeries in hot pursuit, and shots in the dark. My easy insults for modern art, "Anyone can do that!" and "Look at all the cracks on that one ove...

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“Perfection” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #235

“I mean, we’re in marketing, right? We should know what people want!”This restaurant must have the slowest service on the planet! The waiter was attentive, but lunch needed to arrive in the next five or we’d have to split! Here we were, Bob from Wiffle Industries, the joke being that all he sold was a bunch of piffle, me, outranking anyone ‘cause I work for this huge company that everyone has heard of and wants to do business with, and Emma, the no-nonsense kitchen specialist from Kitchener. Well, not so. She lives there, in sunny ...

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“The Last of the Melchuks” by Joe Smallwood

In a land far, far away, there lived the Melchuks, who were not like the Milchuks.Now, the Melchuks did their best to live properly. Whenever someone criticized a Melchuk, everyone would call that person a Milchuk. So, there were more and more Milchuks, which presented a problem.“I am right in the middle of it!” Sammy Melchuk said.“In the middle of what?” Buffy asked.“I don’t know what!” Sammy said.“You’re joking!” Buffy said. “That’s not funny.”“Is it?” Sammy said.“Why sure! You think...

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“Eli Wilks” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #234

“I lerve you! I do!”“Say what?”Where can you be and still know that someone cares? Time stretches out, and everything is a joke. You think you know what everyone knows until you don’t. And it isn’t so hard. To know what I know…“Do you want that cigarette or not?”It’s all lerve, don’t you know? Sure, I’ll take that cigarette. And everything else I can. Because it doesn’t matter whether I smoke or not, I’ll smoke if you want me to.“Do you need a light?”I’m always in the light. It shines all over me....

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“The Pirate Jig” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #234

“It’s two o’clock! Time for my eye drops!”Aye! Aye! Captain,” I said. “What you be wantin' is just a little rest and cheery talk. Mind I be talkative is sure!”“Just get the bottle! And don’t forget to wash your hands!”“Alexa, how many pirates be washing their hands?”“I don’t know that one,” that Alexa says.It was the new bedroom furniture that I be barkin’ my shins on as I round the bed. Maple Dark, expensive wood there be, suited for any pirate’s water-logged chest, too. If I had the gold to show f...

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“Red Dress” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #234

That coffee. Was the first thing on my mind. Tall café mocha with a fudge bar or not?I couldn't make up my mind until I realized I already had. Again.Exactly as planned.Then, it's onto the elevator to the 33rd floor. With what's his name? Got it. Not speaking.Cruise by Helen, who winks and is flirtatious. Done.Hmm, is the boss here or not? Here. Time to be A+? In T minus 10 nine 8 seven 6 five...We're live! Too early. Recovery? Nah! Hardly matters. It's a snooze.You really should dress ...

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“War Time” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #234

“We have all the time in the world!” said the salesperson as he glowed, his bald head glistening as his hands expanded.All over the counter, the watches sprawled and jostled in their cases, the cream-colored one tipping so near me that if I caught it, I thought I should be allowed to keep it. If only my father would let me. Which he never did.“This one,” my dad said.Black. With a plastic face and rubber strap. No kid had a watch like that at school. Least of all me, or so I hoped.“I don’t like it,” I said as lo...

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“The Whatever Thing” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #233

Jan 1, oops, the 2nd, Too hungover on the 1st, lol!Oh my! What a big blank piece of paper I have here when I could be using that leather-covered expensive whatever thing that Grandma gave me. Where did that thing go? I last saw it under all the Xmas wrapping and kicked over to the side. Did it end up under the couch that Mom later threw out? If so, it is strictly AWOL, and of course, I will promise to transfer everything I am writing here into it, or it will break Grandma’s heart. How many times has Grandma had her heart broken? Da...

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“The Nutty Bits” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #233

It was a night like any other. Wet and soppy. Maybe not like any other night.Batrius was in a mood. For food. Whatnots? Why not?“Blast this joint! What ails me?” He opined. “Got to spruce this place up!”“Rinky-dinky-do!” yelled Blattodea. “Here’s to whatnots, and why not!”“A plague on you, Blattodea!” yelled Batrius. “All you want is to go blotto! I’m into realfun™ The finer things. Linen, polite company, scintillating conversations…”“Boring people, useless ideas, things that don’t chug-a-lug?”Bat...

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