Happy

I couldn't hear what the marriage officiant was saying. Perhaps it was something about loving each other until the end of time. Or perhaps it was something about building a marriage based on respect and love. But at this point I didn't care. My mind was swirling with thought, my palms sweaty (so sweaty my fiancé actually let go of my hands to wipe his hands on his pants leg), and my heart pumped too hard in my chest that I could hear it in my ears. He was smiling at me. That smile I loved so much. That smile that drew me to him. Why was I here?

He came into work with his friends and took a booth at the back of the restaurant. They seemed like a nice bunch of guys, maybe a little loud but still respectful. "Know what you want?" I asked, producing a notebook and pen. They all rattled off orders that made it sound like they were feeding an army of teenage boys. They told me they had just knocked off work and finished a big construction job. He told me it was cause for celebration. I let them be loud, the restaurant was empty anyway, and let them tell their slightly inappropriate jokes to the other waitress. If only I had known at the time that one of his mates would later take that waitress out and kiss her in the back room. "Anything else?" I asked.

"Your number?" He smiled. There, that smile, he knew he had me. I smiled in return and took my time to write it on the palm of his hand.

Our first date he took me bowling. The pizza was amazing. That was when I decided I wanted pizza at our wedding one day. He was a great bowler and he knew it. "Strike!" he called, all excited, but I wasn't having fun anymore, I wasn't a good bowler, and just wanted to go home. "Thanks for tonight, but, I'm gonna head home…" I'd said.

"Why?"

"Just tired," I said, half heartedly.

"One more bowl?" He smiled. Damn it. One more roll turned to one game and then another before I made it home.

Our second date was better. He seemed to have been listening when I told him what movies I liked. We sat in the theatre together, quite calm. It was nice. His fingers suddenly laced with mine and he smiled. I wanted to let go but that smile stopped me.

Our third date took us to a restaurant. It seemed odd for me to be the one getting served and not the waitress but I didn't complain, he was having fun. "Another glass?" He asked, holding the bottle of wine. I wanted to say no but he gave me a flirty smile. That smile would later earn his way for his first night over later that night.

He told me he loved me the day before I met his family. I didn't want to say it yet. It was too much of a commitment. I didn't even want to meet his family either to be honest. He cuddled me close, pushed a strain of hair behind my ear and smiled. So I told him I loved him. It felt nice to hear him say it.

When he moved in it was a big adjustment. It was odd having a man around the house, to fix the leak in the sink, to change the light bulb, to mow the lawn… it was nice. Nothing was too big of an ask for him. He would always smile and nod. Of course I could have done without his smelly shoes and forgetful mind but it was nice. Nice to have someone to myself. Nice to have someone who I could finally keep happy.

One day we talked about kids. He wanted a dozen or so and I wanted none. I couldnt understand why. It was too hard to explain. I didn't want kids, or pets. I just knew I couldn't keep them happy. After all, I couldn't keep my parents happy which resulted in being taken away and put into foster care. I couldn't keep my foster families happy so I was always put to a new placement. I couldn't keep my friends happy when I would disappear from school. I couldn't keep anyone I loved happy. I suddenly told him the truth. It busted from my mouth before I could stop it. And he smiled. "Ok," he was happy.

He popped the question on a hike. It was a nice day, not a cloud in the sky. There was no breeze but it wasn't hot. The birds flew over our heads and flowers bloomed. He stopped, set up a camera and told me he wanted a photo of us on the cliff top. He pulled me close and dropped to his knee. "Marry me?" He said. I was speechless. Later he would say that that was cute. He smiled. And I said yes.

Now standing here in front of him I wasn't sure what I was doing. But then I realised I was meant to say something. Everyone was watching me. The officiant raised an eyebrow at me and waited. I paled. I felt dizzy. I heard him say, "I do," the way he said it so smooth and so sure, like he had practiced it, made me smile and now it was my turn. I couldn't help it, I looked at him. He smiled at me. The smile made wrinkles at the corner of his eyes and a blush over his cheeks. I didn't move or say anything. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if I could keep him happy for the rest of our lives. Suddenly he stopped smiling and just stared at me. "What's wrong?" He whispered. "Are you happy?" I asked.

"Of course… aren't you?" He replied. He held his breath when I didn't answer. And then it hit me, was I happy? "I promise for the rest of my life, I will try to make you happy. As happy as you make me. You deserve it…" then for once, he didn't smile. I debated walking back down the aisle and leaving him there. My foot twitched, asking me to walk. "I promise," he said again. He held my hand, tightly, in his and he smiled. "I do," I replied.

For the first time in a long time I found it easy to smile.

I suddenly felt free.

I deserved to be happy too.