the shattered file

It's what you tell yourself. To let go of the dream of a family. It's what everyone tells you..but me..my brain. I can’t seem to give up on that hope. Perhaps something is supposed to break inside you when you’re tossed from home to home. Perhaps your spirit is meant to be crushed when your parents abandon you. Perhaps that's why so many of us end up criminals. Not me though. 

“Melvin.” I glance up, broken from the thoughts that haunt me. Though not really, the dialogue is always there in the back of my mind, even if it's sometimes quiet enough to pay attention to other things. Page is sat across the desk from me. Hair tied up in a ridiculously neat ponytail that stretches the skin on her forehead. It looks uncomfortable. She has a light dusting of makeup to hide the little imperfections on her face. She wears a dark blue dress that goes down to her knees and covers up her neck. And though I can't see her legs I'm aware that they hang off the right side of her chair tucked together neatly, like she’s riding sidesaddle on a horse. Her dark brown eyes urge me to behave. 

“Did you hear me?” I have to fight not to roll my eyes as I smile politely at her, a much more aggressive conversation taking place in our glances. 

“Apologies miss vega, i zoned out. What were you saying?” The foster carer wouldn’t see it, but she tenses slightly, her jaw pushing forward a millimeter as her teeth grind in frustration. To the lady on her right she looks composed as ever. 

“I was introducing you to your new foster mother. This is ainsley.” i can anticipate her next play before it happens. 10 years of working with the same worker will do that. She’s going to turn in a minute. First she’ll look down contemplatively. Then she’ll seem to have a thought and she’ll smile slightly and turn her head politely to the latest candidate. Her shoulders following her head to appear welcoming. Then she’ll rattle off some apology on my behalf. The words might change but the general tone is always the same. I’ve been through a hard time but when I warm up I'm lovely. There she goes, the glance down. The thought. Her head turns more than her shoulders. 

“Melvin’s had a rough couple of weeks, his last foster mother had to stop caring for him after her youngest got sick. But I promise he’s an absolute delight when you get to know him.” 

I glance at the lady, feigning shock. I already know she’s trying to figure an excuse not to take me. I don’t even bother taking in what she looks like. She puts a hand to her chest as though sorry. “Oh..that's awful, the poor thing.” it still frustrates me, it shouldn’t anymore but the way they talk of me like i'm not here. I know it will get me in trouble. I also know it will blow over and this lady needs a way out. 

“I'm not a dog you know.” a somewhat condescending glance from the lady, and a look of warning from page. “Sorry dear?” God, even her voice is annoying. I clear my throat. 

“I said, '' I'm not a dog. Nor am I an idiot. I'm well able to perceive what you two are saying and yet you talk about me like I'm some sort of pet you’re considering renting.” i don’t need to look at Page to know she’s glaring at me..i'm deep in anyways may as well go the distance. I lean forwards to get the ladies' attention further. “It's always women like you who come rushing in here looking to do a stray a favor. But its always the same in the end, you take us in for credit amongst your boujwa fake friends than when you can’t be fucked with us anymore you dump us back here and leave page to come up with an excuse for why we were rejected. I’d rather die of dehydration in hell than spend one more day with a pretentious bigot the likes of you.” as expected, she feigns being horrified, looks me up and down like im a rat. 

“Well i…never have I met such an ungrateful, rude, child. You should be thankful I'd consider taking such a rat in. in all my years never have I been so disrespected!” I roll my eyes and tune her out, already know where THAT rant is going. The ceiling in this room is odd, the office itself seems neat and fancy but when you look up you see high above your head old wooden planks dusted in cobwebs. It's out of place. There’s a small spider, perhaps the size of the thing on a cola can that you use to pop it open. The hiss of it always tells you whether bubbles will spill over the edge. You can tell within a few seconds. A hiss when it doesn’t spill is short, an initial burst of sound that quickly dissipates, replaced by the sound of bubbles inside the can fizzing. The one that tells you it will spill is when you open it and instead of that hiss dissipating, after the initial sound you hear a gurgle, like an unknown creature drowning as their voice is slowly consumed. You hear that and then brownish bubbles spill over the edge of the can. Sometimes you save it, other times you get wet. The door slams shut and i look up, the lady has left. Page is looking at me disapprovingly. Though I can see the hint of amusement in her eyes. She shakes her head.

“What am I gonna do with you?” I shrug and she continues to glare at me. Then after a moment she gives up and stands. “Alright, back to the room with you mister. Only one more month of this before you’re finally free.” she says it dryly, the word free really means alone. When you’re 18 they kick you. I wish it could stay in a balance. I could continue to stay here and eat and sleep here but without bouncing around white folks homes. I stand, not caring as the wooden chair scoots from behind me and onto the floor, I just walk to the door ahead of page and down the hall, towards the door to the back where we live. They never show the fosters where we live, just the neatened up offices at the front. I push the door open and skip through it, the shared bedroom. Fawn is sitting on one of the beds playing uno with echo. Alaric sitting on his bed reading a book, he drops it when he hears the door and grins, jumping up. 

“Mel! How’d the ol’ cheerio go?” that's what we call it, ‘cheerio.’ not sure why but it just stuck some how. Every time we have a meeting. I roll my eyes at him and glance at the book. 

“Surprised page didn’t drag you into the meeting room with all the books you read.” he huffs and slings an arm around me playfully. 

“Please, they want someone they can fix up, not someone smart.” he reaches up and scuffs my brown hair. “Your tatty yet cute look is perfect for them.” I can’t help but smirk and I elbow him in the ribs causing him to scooch back a bit and clutch his side. “You calling me cute, silver?”

“Ow.” he says it dryly. “Just stating facts man.” fawn and echo have glanced up to witness the interaction. Echo’s been here less than a day but she’s fitting right in. She's younger than us, 15 I think. But she’s been through the mill her fair share of times. She has long black hair and a big nose but it suits her face. She's very pale. She glances between me and Alaric, blinking a few times. “Silver?” she says. “I thought his name was alaric.” I roll my eyes again remembering how the nickname came about. 

“It's a long story doe eyes, but basically his name in German means ‘noble.’ for some reason we ended up thinking about silver crowns for German princes and the name silver just stuck.” she frowns for a second then shrugs and turns back to her game. I find myself staring at fawn again. She's considering her cards. Fawn is beautiful. Not that I'd ever tell her that. She has curly short brown hair. Always a little greasy. Her face is light caramel, heart shaped and round. Freckles sprinkle her button nose and her dark brown lashes cover almond shaped eyes of clover green. Impact from my right knocks me onto the bed and I look up to see alaric sniggering. 

“Aw you dick.” I toss a pillow at him and he holds his hands up defensively. “Hey! Maybe if you weren’t gawking you woulda seen it coming.”

“I was not gawking.” ge raises an eyebrow at me to say ‘as if.’ yeah, he can see straight through me. We’ve been together since we were 7. He was sent here a couple weeks after me and he’s been through just as many houses, we’ve even shared a couple. But unlike all the other kids we always end up coming back. He’s the closest thing I have to a brother. His birthday is a day before mine so we’ll even be getting out at the same time. It scares me, I should be relieved but really I'm terrified I'll end up a criminal like all the boys like me. Fawn is 17 in a week so she still has another year. A glance at the clock tells me its around 8pm. No windows in this room. I jump up, its curfew in an hour but like i care. 

“Roof..come on grab your stache.” he shoots a look but then shrugs. 

“If we get caught again you’re taking the fall.” 

“Why not.” 

It's a little climb. There's a door to the kitchen and dining area. A hallway and at the end a little window. You have to open it and squeeze through, the ladder for a fire escape leads past it so you have to sort of pivot yourself to grab it. The night air is cool, the shock of freezing metal always gets me. Its a little climb up the ladder to the top of the fire escape. a little platform there but it doesn’t get you all the way to the roof. First time we ever went up we had to take a long route through the neighbouring building and jump over. But we have a rope set up now, tied to the chimney thick and supported. I grab it and begin hauling myself the few metres left. Its pretty easy, we do this often. I roll onto the flat roof gasping for breath all the same. The concrete. It was made a while ago, I'm sure it used to have roof access which is why the roof is flat and concreted but whatever door used to lead up here is long since closed. Alaric rolls onto the roof a few moments after me, also panting. It would be a clear night if it weren't for the lights of the city. No moon tonight either. It's like a black blanket. I sit up, staring at the sky still. The chilly air touches my cheeks and makes me happy. It doesn’t smell fresh, it smells stale and dusty. Traces of grass growing in the cracks adds a hint of sweetness creating an altogether unique smell but it's so familiar to us. Alaric is staring at the sky, having gotten comfortable. 

“Ever think that stars are really just holes poked in the box for us to breathe.” Sometimes he says the oddest things. 

“Well what's daytime then? If we’re in a box?” he mulls this over for a moment, cogs spinning as his brain concocts a theory. He comes to a conclusion. 

“There’s a hole in the box, a bigger one that lets in more light than the stars. And it moves slowly around to give different sections of those inside the box more light. That's what sunrise is. The hole.” I'm silent, thinking. It's a cool theory. If a bit sad. 

“That's kind of depressing dude.” 

“It's not like it would make humans any less significant than they already are.” The city shines in the little distance. 

“What are you gonna do..when you get out?” it places a weight on my chest to think of. I have no idea. I’d rather put off thinking about it forever. But I can't. 

“Maybe I can get a job somewhere, and an apartment..work something out.” 

“You don’t even have a bank account.”

“Well it's a bit difficult to get one when your file is all messed up..no bank wants to take a kid with my history.” he sighs..and suddenly i realise he wants to tell me something. 

“What is it?” 

Silence..the concrete is surprisingly comfortable. After a long pause he speaks. 

“I got an apartment set up. Paid the first rent yesterday.” i turn to face him, surprise and anger and jealousy and pride and a million other emotions. 

“Serious?” he’s always had his shit together, i'm not sure how. He’s had a job at a bookstore since he was 14. Works there Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays from 2pm to 9pm. $15 an hour. He’s saved up loads. Got a savings account and a spending account. He shrugs. Sits up to look me in the eyes, it's clear he's nervous. 

“It's pretty cheap, the apartment..$500 a month. If I can get more shifts at the book shop I should be fine.” 

He’s still not saying what it is he wants..i can tell from his disposition. He’s fiddling with his nails and sighing. He shrugs. “You should uh..move in with me. I can help you get a job and stuff.” 

My jaw drops and before I know what I'm doing I jump on top of him and hug him knocking us both over onto the concrete. “I..you are literally the best.” he chuckles and pushes me off a grin on his face. He shrugs. 

“We’ve lived together our whole lives, this won’t be any different.” I notice that suddenly I'm excited to leave. No more sharing a room with other kids or hiding my snacks so they aren’t confiscated. We can just goof around. 

“I’ll get a job..i promise.” he nods..he believes me. For some reason something clicks in my brain right then. What I've always pined after? A family? A home? I have it..right here.