Love and Baseball

       Ashley walked the bases slowly of the baseball field up the street from where she lived. Lots of memories were made on this field. She played on a Co-Ed team that practiced here every week. She started walking in a straight line almost as if she were on a tight rope placing one foot ever so carefully in front of the other. That is how her life felt lately, like a fragile balancing act. She felt like she was in a circus instead of on a baseball field. She just wanted to play baseball, the way she used to before everything happened. Baseball always made her think of him.

Eric. The impossible catch.

She smiled as she remembered the baseball jersey she made for him their first Christmas together. Instead of his last name she had “baseball Butt” embroidered on the back. She teased him about how he was built for baseball with that bubble but of his. She was always thinking of clever ways to get his attention. She thought if she spoke his language, he would understand what he meant to her and maybe love her back the same. She imagined inviting him there one night with baseballs painted on her not so bubbly butt. She would drop her pants unexpectedly and run around the field yelling “catch me if you can!” Nah … too cheeky. She pictured hitting him in the knees with a bat to make him literally fall for her.  Too foul. She fit with him like a glove – but he had batters’ eye when it came to her love.

They had been dating for a little over two years and had broken up twice. Two strikes. Their relationship was slower than most and not really progressing into anything promising. The odds were  stacked against them. Their chances of winning were about the same odds as the angels winning the playoffs whatever year that one movie came out. God, how she could use an angel in the outfield right now.

“Excuse me” A voice startled her from behind. She turned around and saw him. Not him him…the other him. The one who came in when Eric had decided to sit out a few games.

Andre. The one who made everything seem easy.

The one who came out onto the field and took her by surprise. The one who came out and kept his eye on the ball with an intensity as strong as hers. He who didn’t hear or see anything else but her and hit it out of the park every single time. He played all the positions. He caught with a gentle ease and threw with precision. He who was just a temporary stand in until Eric came back. He who changed the way she saw the game after that. He who knew he wanted her on his team that first time they played together. He who knew they played the same- as if they had played many games before. He who loved to win but loved to play even more. He who knew that it was who you played with that made the game.

“Hey” she said, “What are you doing here?”

“I’ve always been here “he said. “I was just sitting in the stands.”

“Oh” she said.  He continued “I’ve seen you come here a few times a week for the past few months, I just wanted to be near you in whatever capacity I could, but I know everything’s not okay. If I knew you were okay, I would leave you alone. What if I put myself back in the game? “

“There aren’t enough spots for the both of you” she said. “You can’t”.

‘I’ll just sit in the stands like I have while you walk here at night. I’ll be a fan. I’ll be your biggest fan. I’m rooting for you. If by some chance, you need another player – I’m your man”

She took a deep breath. When he had played with her, she had almost forgot about Eric and the pain his fear of commitment and emotional hesitancy had put her through. Andre's love came so effortlessly but the uncertainty of Eric returning had held her back. She still held on to hope that one day she would be with him again. When she confronted Eric and told him he had to make a decision – expecting him to quit for good – he surprised her by saying he wanted back in, and just like that, Andre was out.

So here they were again after two strikes. Here she was desperately walking this field trying to figure out what she could do to make Eric want her the way …… the way Andre did, the way Andre still does, and now he shows back up. Does she strike him out? Does she let him walk, does she kick him off the field or does she slip, and he hits a home run?

She thought about her and Eric’s relationship the past few months – the past few years and wondered how much longer they could keep it up.  He had told her he loved playing with her but wasn’t sure if he could play with her forever or even wanted to. She didn’t know why she couldn’t take those words for what they were. She didn’t know why she wanted to hold on until he did, or was sure he didn’t. She didn’t understand why her need to make him know that no matter what, he was worthy of her love was stronger than her need to feel it in return. When it was just them – it was easy. No labels, no pressure, no expectations- but when everything else came into play – things got hard.

Their love was hard work and they had put in the time.  Eric was so afraid of love and had let her in so very cautiously. Their love had so much potential but so much fear. If the super loving chose to love the super loveable – what would happen everyone else? She knew it wasn’t easy for him and it was work and a very conscious effort for him to show love the way he did. The words didn’t show so much with him but something in his touch, something in his voice, something in the way she felt when their bodies were intertwined felt so safe and so right, like home. It’s easy to love someone when it’s easy but real love grows when you keep loving even though it’s hard.

“You can’t stay here” she told Andre. “We are too much for the same team, it’s unfair. There is someone out there that needs your love a lot more than me”

“I had to try, you are so much stronger than you know, and I understand. I’ll be here if you ever need me." He walked away. The only hard thing he had ever had to do with her.

He had a look in his eyes that she knew so well. A look of such vulnerability and openness. She knew it could be so great to have someone love her back the way she loved; hut he wasn’t Eric. They hadn’t been through anything hard, things are always bright and shiny in the beginning. Hopeless romantics will easily fall for another, but her heart was already taken.

Maybe there was an angel in the outfield.

She called Eric and asked him to meet her at the park. He showed up a few minutes later. He was wearing the jersey. He was so reserved and held back but the little things he did to show he cared were the sweetest. He showed up in ways that were uncomfortable for him.  

“Hey babe” he said with that ridiculously cute toothy grin as he made his way over to her.

“Hey Mr. baseball butt” she teased him playfully, while handing him a bat.

“Are you ready to hit it out of the park” she asked. “Do you think we can?” he whispered as he pulled her into his arms.

She paused, rested her head on his chest for a second and then looked back up at him and smiled

“We’ll never know if we don’t try., batter up!”