Winter Wonderland

Scene 1. Hospital.

“Mum, is uncle Albert dead?”

Alex knocks on his uncle's forehead, knock-knock-knock. Maybe a bird will fly out? Or a ghost. A ghost is better, Alex likes ghosts. Not that he's ever met one, but he'll definitely like them once they meet. But no birds, no ghosts - uncle doesn't move. He sits on the bed, his legs hanging down like two helpless sausages. He stares at Alex, his eyes round, his gaze empty and mouth ajar.

“No, sweety, he's just a little sick.” Mum is a bit dismissive.

“Uncle, are you dead?” Alex asks, curiously peeping into Albert's mouth. He doesn't really expect an answer - uncle has been silent ever since the accident. His mouth looks dry and he's missing one, two, three teeth.

A few years ago, when Alex was tiny, uncle Albert pulled out three teeth and left them under his pillow, on three consecutive nights, just to prove that the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist. Mum then screamed and called him a cynic and some other rude words that Alex wasn't allowed to repeat and stomped her feet and screamed some more. She was so loud that uncle Albert had to abandon his mission otherwise he would have ended up not only toothless but also deaf.

“Baby, leave him alone.” Mum doesn't look at Alex, she looks straight, at the doctor. Her face serious, fingers holding some papers. Doc explains what's up with uncle Albert and how to help him get better. “Yes, we believe his amnesia is only temporary. We don't know how long it will last though.”

Mum sighs, very deeply. She always does it when she's annoyed. She wants everyone around to know that she's grumpy so she soaks in the air hard with her nose, both nostrils sticking to the philtrum, her lips a plump triangle, and releases it back into the atmosphere with a loud lengthy hiss. She then looks (and sounds) like an old teapot with a whistle. Which is okay because Alex likes tea as much as ghosts.

Mum's face is slightly red - she's real cranky. But let's be fair - it's not her best day, no wonder she's upset. It started fine - she was getting ready to drop Alex off at a friend's place and go to a work Christmas party. She didn't end up doing either. Instead, she had to climb the roof of their house wearing high heels and a long dress trying to catch uncle Albert who was trying to catch aliens who flew in from some distant planet to, clearly, catch uncle Albert because he wanted to catch them. It was late December, and the roof was an ice rink. Uncle Albert slipped and fell, all the way into the snowdrift. Mum screamed and rushed to the edge of the roof and fell to her knees, because the roof was still slippery, which made sense because it was still late December and the roof was an ice rink, and, really, mum should be grateful she only fell on the roof and not off the roof! Right? She drooped off the roof like a piece of snot, looking at uncle's feet sticking out of the snow, and cried loudly. Alex stood in the courtyard, rucsac on his back. Confused, he didn't know if mum was screaming because uncle Albert died, or because she wanted to kill him. When mum came down from the roof, she kept sobbing, “How do I deserve it,”, “What have I done wrong,”, “Again your uncle ruined our Christmas Eve,”, and “I wish his paranoia wasn't paranoia at all and aliens really came to kidnap him and take him to Mars, or wherever they take annoying relatives!”

Mum called the emergency services, and they pulled uncle Albert from the snow heap and took him to the hospital. That's why he now sits on the bed and stares into space.

“I just need you to come with me to reception to sign a few forms.” Doctor says.

“Oh, okay.” Mum's voice is quiet. “Alex, baby, wait here, I will be back soon.” Again, she doesn't even look at him, just trots after the doctor.

Alex shrugs. Whatever.

“You want fairy floss, Uncle Albert?” He asks.

“Fairy floss?” Uncle's response is so unexpected that Alex flinches. “Oh yeah, I do! I do very much indeed!” He nods his head and smiles from ear to ear. Alex hasn't seen uncle smiling, ever!

“Oh, you're alive!” Alex squeals. “Great news!” He beams. “But mum's grumpy at you!” He whispers. “Bad news.” He adds.

Uncle's face is confused.

“Okay, don't worry! She's always grumpy at you anyway!” Alex giggles. “So, fairy floss?”

Uncle Albert keeps nodding eagerly.

“Alright, let's go then!” Alex skips to the door and plucks uncle's coat from the hook.

Uncle Albert gets up as fast as he can, which is super slow, and shuffles to the door. He sticks his feet, which already have slippers on, into his gumboots (luckily they are quite big), throws the coat on his shoulders covered by a thin hospital gown and looks at Alex.

“Handsome?” He asks, his smile even wider than before, two missing teeth thus visible, one still hiding deep in the mouth.

“Top notch!” Alex responds.

Uncle Albert titters and offers his hand to Alex, who has never touched it before. Alex looks at uncle's hand in amazement - it's old and wrinkly and a bit crooked but definitely real - and takes it gratefully. Holding hands, they walk down the corridor, past Alex's mum standing at reception signing the papers, facing the world with her back, past the Doc talking to some other patient, his hands flying in all possible directions, through the waiting area, past the guard at the door, through the entry gate onto the main road.

Uncle Albert looks around. “Which way is fairy floss?” He asks.

“Hmmm,” Alex moans. “I think, that way!” And points to his right.

Uncle Albert grins, and off they walk, with every step further and further away from the boring hospital.

Scene 2. Winter Wonderland.

Snow is slippery and crunchy, the sky is cloudy and afar. Uncle and Alex trot down the road slowly, inquisitively exploring the surroundings with their eyes. From time to time, rare snowflakes fall on Alex's nose. He sticks his tongue out trying to lick them off, but his nose is too far to reach, and he's not an alien, neither is he a frog, so he can't reach it, so he just watches the snowflakes die on his warm skin, his eyes crossed.

Suddenly, on one of the narrow alleyways to the side of the main road, they notice a cheering crowd. At the entrance of the alley, there's a sign in the shape of a gingerbread house, “Winter Wonderland”, and another sign, in the shape of Santa's sack, “Free!”. There are hundreds of people, dozens of market stalls and one huge wooden house in the middle of the street, guarded by an odd man wearing a long green coat and a tall red cap, and holding a purple walking stick.

“Maybe they have fairy floss!” Uncle Albert says.

“Let's check it out!” Alex nods.

They exchange glances and, simultaneously, walk into the crowd.

“Welcome, welcome, welcome!” The odd man proclaims. “Welcome to the Winter Wonderland!” He bows to Alex and Uncle Albert. “Keen to try the "House of wishes"?” He winks.

“What's that?” Alex's curious.

The odd man knocks his stick on the door behind him.

“This, my boy, is a pathway to your dreams! Explore the "House of wishes" in our Winter Wonderland, and watch your inner desires come true right in front of your eyes!” His voice is thick and enticing.

Alex, unable to hide his sincere smile, looks at uncle Albert, who hasn't been able to hide his sincere smile ever since Alex asked him if he wanted fairy floss, then uncle Albert looks at Alex, and with a loud “YAY!” they grab the door handle and -

“Oh, not so fast, young men!” The odd man grabs the door handle himself and holds it tight. A donation box appears before Alex's and Albert's faces. “Local council isn't paying for it, so you please do.”

“Oh, sure...” Alex rummages his pockets and fishes out a silver coin. “That's all I have...”

The odd man rolls his eyes. “Promise to vote for Labour when you're 18, okay?”

Alex eagerly nods and puts the coin into the box. The man pushes the door and lets them into the house.

Inside, the light is dim, but festoons on the walls sparkle, stars on the ceiling shine, and a huge fortune teller crystal ball, on a little table by the wall, twinkles and illuminates the face of a woman behind it. Her eyes are closed, her hands above the ball. She moves her palms from side to side and hums, “Come here, young men, I’ll tell you your destiny!”. It’s surprising she knows Alex and Albert are young men when she can’t even see them! Looks like she’s really talented!

“You go first, Uncle!” Alex says.

Uncle Albert takes a seat in front of the woman and squirms a little to get comfy. Then, when the ball’s bright light falls on his face, the woman opens her eyes, sees uncle Albert and, so unexpectedly, so piercingly, cries out, “Oh my lord!”

“What, what, what’s up? Is it a wrinkle?” Uncle Albert babbles. “What do you see? Tell me, tell me, I’m scared!”

“I can’t believe it…” She whispers.

“Oh, no… must be worse than a wrinkle!” Uncle Albert sounds devastated. “What, a pimple then?” He’s very, very quiet.

“Oh, my man! Oh, my man!” The woman repeats. “You can’t even imagine… Please, tell me,” She takes a deep breath. “Are you missing three teeth by any chance?”

“I am, I am!” Uncle responds eagerly. “How do you know?!”

“I thought she’s talented. Now I know she is!” Alex whispers in Albert’s ear.

“Ah!” The woman shouts. “Does your name start with an “A”?” She asks.

“It does, it does!” Uncle’s excited. “What is it? Tell me, woman!” He screams.

She jumps off the chair (she’s actually huge), throws the ball off the table with her right hand, with her left hand grabs uncle by his neck and draws him close and kisses him so passionately that Alex turns away and, just in case, hides his face in his hands. He isn’t allowed to watch X-rated scenes yet. Soon he will be.

When kissing sounds die away, uncle moans, “Oh, my woman… How did you find me?”

“Oh, my dear man… I’ve been telling people their destiny here, in the “House of Wishes”, for eighteen years. For eighteen years, I have looked right into men’s faces searching for the right one. Nineteen years ago, a fortune teller in this house told me that a tall, handsome man in a white gown, missing only three teeth and not more, whose name starts with an "A", would come to learn his destiny, and would become my destiny instead. My life, my love, my husband!”

Uncle’s face lightens with a smile.

“Oh, that’s magical! My love, my soul – will you marry me?” He goes down on one knee in front of the woman.

“Of course, I will!”

Uncle jumps and grabs the woman by her waist.

“What’s your name, by the way?” He asks.

“Candy!”

“What a delicious name!” He savours it. “I’m Albert. How about next Wednesday? Move in with me tonight, and we’ll organise the wedding in a week!”

Candy shrieks with happiness and kisses uncle once again.

“Okay, I’m gonna run, pack my bags! See you in a couple of hours at yours!”

“It’s one-one Alien Street, just in case you’re interested!” Alex says. “Uncle’s a little sick today, he doesn’t remember!”

Candy shrieks again and picks up her handbag from the floor and flies out of the door and leaves it open and Alex opens his eyes and looks at uncle and they walk out of the house and notice the odd man and shrug and say “sorry” and walk back to the main street. They stop there for a second. Uncle Albert looks at Alex with a spark in his eyes. He grins, and off they walk, with every step further and further away from the Winter Wonderland.

Scene 3. At home.

Alex and uncle Albert walk into the front door and stomp their feet on the carpet. Mum runs into the hallway holding a pot of soup (well, it smells like soup - might be something else though, mum's cooking is dangerous and unpredictable), and shrills:

"Where on Earth have you been?!"

"Mum, uncle Albert’s getting married!" Alex announces. Uncle Albert stands straight, his hospital gown unbuttoned at his chest, and smiles.

Mum's jaw drops. Her eyes bulge and breathing stops.

"We were looking for fairy floss," Alex starts the sentence.

"But found Candy instead!" Uncle Albert finishes it.

"Mum, it's her name, don't look at me like that!" Alex giggles. "Her name’s Candy. She's moving in with us in about an hour, she's just packing her bags!" He adds joyfully.

Mum's fingers go wobbly and the pot of soup, with a loud THUMP, lands on the floor, the lid goes flying into the dining room, while the chicken mushroom soup goes flying everywhere. Mum's hands drool, knees buckle. She looks like she's about to collapse. Alex jumps to mum, takes her by the hand and walks her down to the dining table.

“It’s okay, she’s big and nice!” He says. “And she can tell you your future!” He adds.

Mum looks at Alex and responds, “I have no future in this house…”

“Mum, you’re such a drama!” Alex laughs. “I’ll bring us dinner, you just sit!”

He runs to the kitchen and grabs pots and plates and cutlery, then runs back to the dining room, puts them on the table and screams “Uncle, come here, there’s no dinner in the hallway, just the chicken soup, but it’s on the floor, and here we have so many yums, come join us!”

Uncle, clearly hungry, shuffles into the dining room. Then, they all sit at the table, five share plates in front of them. Mum looks at uncle Albert chewing salad and potatoes thoughtfully.

“I don't get it,” She whispers to Alex. “Who’s this man?”

Alex humms. “Your brother, mum. Uncle Albert!”

“But he looks… normal. Happy, even. He's smiling. Unbelievable!” Mum is very, very quiet. She keeps studying Albert with her gaze. “What if aliens swapped him and it's not real Albert?” She starts talking to herself. “No, impossible. No one wants or needs my cynical brother. Why would they take the annoying version and leave us a nice one? Makes no sense.” She continues. “He fell off the roof just three hours ago and now he’s getting married… I didn’t fall off the roof… Maybe I should have… Now that explains why I’m single…”

Suddenly, she goes quiet. Straightens her back. Stares into space. She’s probably thinking.

“Mum, you okay?” Alex asks.

She doesn’t respond.

“Mum?” He tries again.

Still no answer. Tension in the room is almost tangible. Even uncle Albert stops smiling and looks at his sister concerned.

“Ahm,” Mum comes to life. “Just wait here.” She whispers.

Slowly, she stands up.

On wobbly legs, she climbs up the stairs.

For a moment, there’s total silence.

But in a second

A deafening,

scary,

incredulous

THUMP!

Uncle Albert and Alex jump off their chairs. They run into the hallway, through the main door, into the courtyard, around the corner – where, in the notorious snowdrift, mum lies on her back. She groans. No, wait, she’s laughing. With the corner of her eye, she sees neighbour Tom climbing up the snow heap.