A Time for Revenge - Not.

There is always a stage in the lives of family members when the older members pass off the earthly scene and out of our lives. It's a sad time. Whether sudden or after a period of decline, it is always inevitable. The grief family members feel at this time can be varied and complicated. In our family, it has become unpredictable and complex. Our mother is our oldest relative, and we want as much independence for her as possible. It is more challenging than it sounds . . .

“What on earth have you said that has made your sister so annoyed with you? Here, I’ll read what she texted me . . . ‘Tell, Laree, that all I want from her is encouragement and thanks for all I do. Nothing else. She knows nothing about anything happening up here.’”

"Oh, bother! I know what’s happened. It's a misunderstanding. My brother rang you about Mum being in the hospital because of pain. My other sister emailed me and mentioned that Mum was in hospital too.

“Last week I spoke with Mum and she told me she had gone out to the street to move her green waste bin off the kerb because someone came to her door and warned about a storm. They had no time to move it for her, and the neighbor wasn’t around to help. So, she went out to do it. Turned out it was three quarters full as it hadn’t been emptied. Mum was cheesed off about that and had a right melt down on the phone to the lady in the office. Here she is 92yrs and all, trying to move a large green bin. She didn’t bring it back onto her property herself, thank goodness, but she wrenched her back adjusting it. That’s what she told me. I told her off and said she most definitely should have left it alone until someone could do it for her. I know full well that Mum’s version of stories makes her seem innocent and minimizes what really happens.”

“Your brother reckons she gets extremely unreasonable.”

“When he said she was in pain, the pain meds weren’t working, and she went to hospital due to that, naturally we thought it was her back again. In reply to my other sister’s email, I mentioned what had happened with the green bin as a possible cause. Nothing remiss or troublesome in that, is there? Next my sister Kate who is run ragged caring for Mum, and goes from one end of the city to the other and back at least three times a week for her, let us know that Mum went into hospital due to a chest infection. So, we concluded the problem must be a combination of both that and pain? Obviously, my sisters got together, dissected my email, and that’s what Kate is going on about. I got a reply back from Mary defending all Kate does and that we don’t know the half of the story with the green bin. She couldn’t understand why I had mentioned it because she didn’t know what my brother said about ‘pain’ accompanied by no explanation. That’s a man for you. Because we actually do know the ongoing saga of the green bin, with Mum continually trying to fill it, I shrugged it off and didn’t reply.”

"What do you mean? What do we actually know?" asked my husband, Tom.

“My brother rang you the other week, a fortnight ago, telling us the latest about Mum. She’d been outside putting things into the damn green bin, ended up falling on her lawn, had to crawl across it to pull herself up on the garden seat, and had been none the worse for it except that she has been told repeatedly that the filling of the garden bin is not for her. It is for family and friends to use when they help out by pulling weeds and trimming things. Kate threatened to remove every last bush and flower from her garden if she tries to do anything like it again. And she got one of Mum’s friends to lecture her about how selfish she is doing dangerous things when it will mean another long trip for Kate to make, to help Mum who does nothing but complain. Anyway, Kate finally rang us in the weekend and said Mum went into hospital with a chest infection. It’s a big deal as she has asthma.”

“Enlighten me, please. What has this got to do with Kate being annoyed with you?”

"You are not likely to fathom this, but here goes; I know exactly what is happening with Mum and them all. Naturally, no one up there would believe me if I said it, geography and all that. They may be unaware that my brother keeps you up-to-date about Mum and her antics. They also prefer to believe that Mum does everything deliberately, tells lies, and gets abusive. It's too hard to admit that, after her stroke, she is progressively losing the plot.

“In the family pecking order, we four sisters are not equal. I am the oldest and Kate is the middle child. On top of that she is the only one out of the four of us who never upset Mum with teenage angst or stupidity in our early twenties. The other three of us have all done things to disgrace ourselves in Mum’s eyes. On top of Mum being rather cold on the surface, unforgiving, and she takes any crimes committed personally, she doesn’t easily forget. Three of us have accepted much of this as a type of punishment for our offences. Eventually, after earning enough brownie points over many years, our relationships with her seems to get back on track. The trouble is, I realize now that the charmed life we thought Kate had because she didn’t upset Mum, is a lie. Mum has repeatedly hurt Kate by not being there to support her emotionally when she needed it. And Mum likes to look after number one. She’s a survivor. Out of all five of us, Kate is the one who is doing the running around after Mum. Kate is no longer able to live an independent life with a wall of protection around her. She has had to go back into the lion’s den, and do so much with patience and love, while inwardly loathing what she has to put up with. Her life is on hold because of Mum. And the rest of us have more freedom, in her eyes. Of course, I’ll be condemned if I think I know anything.”

“Sounds like she needs all the care and kindness,” said Tom.

“I know that she is doing a great job looking after Mum who is still independent enough to live in her own home. But inside she has a lot of bitterness and resentment. I don’t believe she realized how she felt when she first started to help Mum, but it’s become harder and harder. And she’s still got it all bottled up. Except for when she believes I feel sorry for Mum, not for her. Then I cop it.”

“You need to remember, a caregiver also needs care,” said Tom.

“Ditto, but she is always so horrible to me. I know she’d rather take out her revenge on Mum but she can’t. I have to be the wiser one here and put up with it. How can she get her revenge on someone whom she doesn’t believe cared for her but who is losing her marbles? I can remember everything vividly as well, but I was far from perfect. I accepted Mum’s disdain. I know that deep down Mum loved us and made sacrifices. She did her best. I understand Mum and what led up to her being the way she is. I asked her, when I last saw her, if she has ever talked with Kate about many of the things that she has told me. Turns out she hasn’t. In fact, when I ran past Kate that Mum has a kind of posttraumatic stress, she was angry with me and totally denied that Mum has any excuse at all. She feels that her terrible life with Mum, who was never there for her, has left her deeply scarred. My last actual comment about it was that I feel hurt when anyone tries to say that Mum can help the way she is. I got the usual passive aggressive no comment for that.”

“So, you haven’t forgiven Kate and you’ve done nothing to patch it up?” Tom frowned at me.

‘I will read you my texts to her after that . . .see what I have said here and here. Always propping her up for all she does and admiring her patience and kindness toward Mum. Look at the dates. This is after that time.”

“Goodness! Your family is so complicated.”

“I know what has caused it. It’s called intergenerational trauma. Nothing so serious that Mum's life was threatened by her family, or she was abused sexually or physically. But she had it hard, and her mother had other children to care for and other problems, which meant she didn't have the emotional support she needed. She lived through a difficult time, and she had loss and trauma. She hasn’t been able to give us the emotional support we needed at times. Mum is pretty sensitive and has learned to fend for herself. She’s also independent."

“She’s proving it now, every time she goes out into her garden, mores the pity!”

“My other sister Mary is pretty philosophical about it all. She believes, like me, that it’s the case of a mind still alert, but bored, and a body that can’t do much. I also know that Mum’s mind is playing tricks on her. And she is paranoid about what needs to be done. It’s easier for her to go out and do something than fret about when it will be done. It niggles at her until she just has to go out and do it. Her being self- centered means concern about Kate having all that way to travel every time something goes wrong is the last thing on her mind.”

Tom shook his head thoughtfully. “It’s massive, all the travelling Kate does. She leaves home in the morning and doesn’t return until dinner time. Then she has to cook dinner for her husband. He gets pretty cheesed off if your Mum hasn’t even said ‘thank you’ to Kate, or has been nasty instead.”

“But to listen to Kate, it’s like she believes Mum does it deliberately to make life difficult. She was always obedient to Mum but Mum isn’t being obedient to her, not one jot. On the scales of justice, between the two of them, Kate is having the raw deal. But though my saying that to Kate eases the situation I simply won’t tolerate anyone saying Mum does it all deliberately. And anyone who isn’t entirely on Kate’s side is an outcast.”

“You’re both as stubborn as each other. What are you going to do about it?”

 “What can I do? She doesn’t want to hear anything from me. All she wants is to be propped up emotionally. If I try to say anything or do more, it’s like Mum not providing her with emotional support all over again. I don’t think she realizes how much resentment she is bottling up. She knows it’s the right thing to help Mum and she probably knows she shouldn’t feel the way she feels. She is beautiful and patient with Mum. But behind Mum’s back she badmouths her and the stories she tells about all the woe Mum puts her through are all one sided. Not even how things really happened. And bad motives are imputed. On one level, I can identify with what she has put up with, but I forgave Mum long ago. I tried to understand what had happened to her to make her see things the way she does. I can’t fill the emotional void she feels. I am cut up over the knowledge that Mum isn’t the same person anymore and will get worse. Mum deserves the pity."

“Seems to me that you need to be more like Kate.”

“Why would I want to be like her? That’s a crazy suggestion.”

“Well, she is hiding her true self to be what your mother needs her to be. Can’t you manage to be what Kate needs at the moment, even if you have to stop defending your mother when she is around?”

"It is so hard to do that. I spent years being what Mum wanted me to be because anything less than that was unacceptable. To the point where she had hurt me for the last time, and I rebelled. In fact, I lost my mind with the stress of it all and made a terrible decision that ruined my life for a few years. And had to cope on my own because she didn't want to know. Kate has had times like that, but to her credit, she never rebelled. She just bottled it all up and forgot about it . . . until she had it all come to the surface because she sees Mum so often these days. Now is not the right time for her to deal with it.

“I have to be true to myself. I can’t bottle up how I feel any more and be two faced. I’m careful how and when I have dialogue with Mum about it. I hate it when she disapproves of me. But I can live with it because I understand why she has to be that way. I have to be up front. To be understanding of Kate now, means to be disloyal to Mum. Or a liar who is loyal to Mum but more loyal to Kate when I am with her. I hate duplicity."

“Just love her and don’t say any more than that. I’m sure you can do that, Laree. It sounds like you are both suffering from this intergenerational thing.”

“Of course, we are. We’re part of the same family. Except I have come to grips with it. Kate moved on with her life in a healthy way but has never dealt with how it affected her. Now the cork is about to explode out of the bottle and she’s holding it all in still, demanding the love and support she needs from us because the one who caused the problem has to be treated with kindness and love. Namely, our Mum who has lost her short-term memory and lashes out with even more anger than before. It’s a conversation that will have to happen with Kate, after Mum dies. She is too mixed up with grief and resentment and has no time to process why she feels this way.”

“She will never get her revenge,” said Tom.

“It’s not like she would ever be horrible to Mum. And even if she did lash out at Mum, poor Mum could never comprehend it at this stage.”

“Not with her lousy short-term memory.”

“She has already told me about things Mum has said and done that Mum says afterwards, never happened. Or Mum gets paranoid and tells us awful things others in the family have said and done, which they haven’t. Kate voices her disgust to us all. Says Mum’s forgetting things is beyond a joke. There is no justice in any of this.”