Hope

I wake up in the middle of a dark, heavy fog, the air around me dank and musty. I’m laying on the cold floor, my body aching terribly. I try to get up, but a heavy weight around my chest keeps me down. I try with all my might to stand up, but the most I can do is get on my knees. I look around, but all I can see is fog and darkness.

God, why am I still here? I cry out to Him in my mind. Please, where are you? When will this freaking nightmare end?!

I hear a low growl from behind me and immediately know who it is.

“Leave!” I yell at it angrily. “I’d already told you to leave!”

The thing jiggles. “I’m sorry, but that’s not possible! You’re still breathing, and it’s my task to make all the rest of your life a living hell.”

I hear it coming closer, its footsteps making the floor shake and giving me chills. Finally, the steps stop right behind me and I feel its cold hand touching my shoulder. Out of nowhere, I begin weeping. I try to stop, but that just causes loud sobs to rack through my body. After a while, the thing lifts its hand from my elbow and I immediately stop crying.

“Stop it,” I beg as tears keep rolling down my cheeks. “Please…”

The thing walks around me, crouches right in front of me, and grabs my face to force me to look at it. The thing is wearing a dark, long, hooded robe. It has a nightmarish face and eyes that resemble those of a wild, angry wolf, ready to eat its prey. The thing has hands that are thin and long, and its body looks mostly like a shadow.

“Please…”

The thing shakes its head as it wipes my tears. Then it reaches for a pocket on its robe, takes out a sharp dagger, and proceeds to bury deep in my chest. The pain is excruciating, but for some reason I can’t let out even a simple cry, as if I’d been muted. 

“This is your fault,” the thing tells me, its eyes turning bright red. “No one can hear you!”

The thing finally buries the dagger deep enough that it disappears and no longer is there. Only the pain remains. The thing finally retreats, leaving me behind, and I’m finally able to cry out in pain. I cry until I drift off and wake up later. This time, I wake up in my room, the bright daylight shining directly on my eyes.

“What time is it?” I mutter lazily as I pick up my phone and see the time. “9:30! I’m late to work!”

I put my phone down and get my bedsheets off me, but as I’m going to get up, the heavy weight from before takes over and keeps me from moving. I try to fight it, but then the intense sadness and hopelessness take over and cause me to cry for no reason. I feel as my body debilitates from an energized young woman ready to start her day to a tired, sad, hopeless slug who wants to stay in bed for eternity.

“Call in sick,” the thing’s voice tells me. “You’re too much of a failure to even work with them. They’ll be better off without you.”

I look around, scared for my life, and scan the room for its presence, but I see nothing.

“Where are you?”

“In your head, you stupid!” it replies in a dark tone.

“Leave me alone!” I roar. The thing keeps insulting me, so I begin screaming as loud as I can until I no longer hear it talking.

I look around, agitated and my head throbbing. I get off my bed and sit at the foot of it. I feel more tears coming down my face and gasp for air. I then hear the phone go off, so I drag myself to the bedside table and grab my phone. It’s the office calling in. I sniff, take a deep breath, clear my throat and answer.

“Hello?”

“Good morning, Ms. Walker. This is Ms. Smith, the secretary. I see you haven’t shown up to work yet. Everything in order?”

I want to tell her everything that’s happened, but a clump in my throat prevents me from saying it.

“Yeah, everything is good,” I say in a tone as convincing as I can. “I… um, got stuck in some horrible traffic jam.”

“Ok. Will you be here soon? The CEO needs to talk to you urgently.”

I panic as I remember the important meeting I had with him. If I don’t go, my whole career could be at stake. I won't be able to sustain a single-parent family without a job.

“How could you be so stupid to forget it!” the thing yelled. “See, you’re just a useless piece of shit!”

“Oh, you just shut up!” I roar.

“Ma’am?”

I cover my mouth immediately. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t saying that to you. I-I was telling it to my dog. Yeah… he was barking.”

I hear only silence and worry that she might not believe me. “Alright. So, when will you be here?”

“Um, I mean, the accident that caused the jam is bad, so… I think I’ll be there at like 11:30?”

I can hear the CEO’s voice in the background. He sounds frustrated. He then tells the secretary to pass him the phone and leave, and then I hear a door opening and closing.

“Ms. Walker,” the CEO’s deep voice says through the phone.

“Yes, Mr. McCarthy?”

He sighs. “Look, I know you’re a very talented person who is overqualified for this office job… but just because you are that talented it doesn’t mean you can lag behind in your work.”

“Sir, I can explain. I’ve been feeling horrible and-”

“Do not interrupt me,” he orders coldly. “You’ve recently been sleeping in the workplace, cutting down your productivity, and have called in sick for several days. I mean, you’ve called in sick more days in the past few months than the days you actually have on vacation. And I’m sorry to tell you this, but because of your recent behavior, the Board and I have decided to fire you. You’ll have time until tomorrow to come clean up your office. Anything that’s left after tomorrow in there will go to trash. Do you understand, Ms. Walker?”

More tears rolled down my face. “Yes, I do Mr. McCarthy.”

“Alright.” He hung up the phone.

I throw away my phone as far as I can and curl into a ball and cry again. Once I stop several minutes later, I manage to get up, go to the bathroom, and wash my face. Fortunately no one was home by the time I woke up to hear my screams and cries. My children had left for school earlier when the bus came around and wouldn’t be back until later in the evening after sports practice.

“See?” the thing says proudly. “I told you.”

“God will provide,” I mutter to console myself.

“Oh, don’t be silly!”

I want it to shut up, but my energy is so low that even talking is a huge task. I walk to the kitchen and prepare some coffee in a sad attempt to get my energy up. The thing keeps insulting me, getting my spirits and hopes low.

I finally snap. “Why do you do this to me?”

The thing breaks out laughing as hard as it can. “Oh… just because! You’re simply one of the lucky ones who get to be with me for the rest of their lives!”

I start losing my composure. “You’ve been tormenting me for months now. I tried to ignore you, but you can’t seem to be ignored. I wanted to enjoy life with my children, but you had to come and make this a living hell! My faith is faltering. All my joy, gone! I sometimes don’t even feel any emotions! You’ve made me feel lonely, hopeless, and guilty for feeling like this-”

“Because you really don’t have it as bad as others, you know?” the thing interrupts. “Really, you have a life many wish they could have!”

I yell in frustration. “You’ve made me miserable, yet I have to keep pretending I’m alright to keep this family together! My children, they’re too young to understand it, and I don’t want to burden them with this." I stop for a moment and scream at the top of my lungs. "Others really don’t seem to understand what’s the damage you’ve done within me! I don’t know how much longer I can go on with this! You’ve literally turned my world upside down.”

“Ok, and so what? Why do you keep going, huh? You know you could end this in a heartbeat.”

I take a deep breath as memories of the last bible study I did months ago. Gosh, I hadn’t read my bible in months? “Because He will help me.”

The thing laughed. “Are you sure? You’ve been praying for months, yet here I stand, and here I will stay. Where is that God of yours that you talk so much about, eh?”

“I want you out!” I order.

“I mean, you’re still breathing, so…”

In my anger, I reach out for a glass and smash it against the table, shattering it into tiny pieces and cutting myself with them. The pain is very intense, but it shuts up the thing. The wound starts bleeding, so I rush to the bathroom to clean it and bandage it.

I hear my phone ringing, so I walk to my room to retrieve my phone. It is ringing with my mom’s call tone. I pick it up and answer.

“Hello?”

“Oh, hey there, sweetie! The children said you didn’t wake up early today like you always do. Everything good?”

“Oh, yes mom! Everything’s just fine.” I pause as I think of an excuse. “I may have just stayed up until very late finishing my duties… yeah, that was it… but right now I’m ready to go to work, so, you know, I have to hang up. Love you!”

“Okay, if you need me, just know I’m one call away. Love you!”

I hang up and put the phone down as a wave of intense sadness, hopelessness, and pain washes over me. I sit on the couch and ponder about my situation, not crying or saying a word. Hours must have passed, because the next thing I remember is the doorbell ringing.

The children, I tell myself.

I rush to my closet, put on some more decent clothes, organize my messy hair as much as I can, and rush back to open the door.

"Mommy!" they cry out in unison.

Their sweet, innocent smiles when they see me lifts off some of those horrible feelings away and for a moment, just a brief moment, I’m able to feel the warmth of joy. I make dinner for them, and then get them ready to go to bed with a quick prayer. Once they drift off, it is as if the shield protecting me against all those horrible feelings were lifted, and they come back, worse than before. I’m left all alone, again, with the thing talking trash at me. I walk to my room and find my bible. I open it and start flipping through the different highlighted verses for some encouragement.

“You really believe He’s coming to save you?” the thing says as it materializes in front of me. Its dreadful eyes lock on mine, and I look away. “Give up!”

“No!” I say half-heartedly. “I-I won’t.”

“Then why are you second-guessing yourself?" The thing shuts closed my bible with its thin, dark hand. "Or Him, eh?”

I give it a confused look.

“Oh, don’t think I can’t hear your thoughts or feel your emotions. After all, I’m inside your head.” The thing chuckles. “Really, will He come help you? I’m pretty sure he forgot about you. You’ve been asking for too long and still no answer! Does He truly love you?” The thing points at the sticky notes on the table. "You know what to do," it says in a tentative tone.

I take out a sticky note and leave a message in it that says: “I’m sorry, my boys. Just know I love you very, very much, and you're the greatest blessing in my life. This isn't your fault, it's mine,” as an extreme feeling of anxiety, hopelessness, and dread devours me. I feel my hands sweating, my heart pounding on my ears, the room closing on me, running out of breath. I start screaming.

“Run!” the thing orders as it transforms into a big, dark wolf and starts chasing me down. I obey in panic.

I run out of my house, towards the unknown. I sprint out of the streets of my neighborhood until I finally get downtown. I look around frantically for an exit, a way out of my pain and suffering. Then I remember.

“The river,” I tell myself as I sprint towards it. The thing keeps chasing me, so I run faster. I finally reach the bridge over the huge river. I sprint towards the edge and stop right in before the huge fall. I look back at the now-wolf thing. It is sitting just a few feet away from me, staring at my soul.

“Well, now do it!”

I look down at the river that is hundreds of feet under me. My heart feels like it's about to explode and my senses are blurred.

“Come on, end it. I’ll be waiting here.”

I take a deep breath as I let my body relax and lean forward a little bit. “I’m very, very sorry... I failed you, God,” I mutter out through my sobs.

I feel my legs give out and my body leaning into the void, but just as I am about to fall, someone comes from behind me, pulls me away from the edge, and embraces me into a warm, reassuring hug.

“No!” the person’s deep, reassuring voice tells me. “Not today. There’s so much more you need to live for. God’s not done with you yet!”

I turn around to face the stranger and he embraces me into another hug as I cry my heart out.

“I can’t keep going!” I tell him. “The pain is too much!”

“I understand your pain must be horrible. I've been there myself.” I lift my head as he says that, shocked he understood. “Just know you are loved and that there’s still hope. You have people who want to and will help you through this if you let them.” I hug him harder.

Through my tears and sobs, I see the dark wolf staring back at me with the same eyes. The wolf then looks the other way, his body expression changing from dominant and threatening to scared and defensive. I look to where the wolf is looking at and see a mighty lion. The wolf growls, but the lion's roar is louder. The wolf finally retreats into the darkness and vanishes from the scene. The lion stands its ground and looks at me. It's eyes give me a sense of peace, hope, and love I hadn't felt in a long, long time.

"Peace I leave with you," the lion says. "My peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Then it gives me a slight nod and leaves the scene too.

* * * * * * *

Months have passed since the incident. I got help and finally went back to church. The wolf has come back, lurking in the darkness to try and take me down when I'm feeling down from time to time, but I've found this strength and peace that surpasses any understanding within me to fight it off. The one that comes from the Almighty God.