Is It Going To Rain Lilly?

My twelve year old sister, Lilly always said she could smell the rain, and made sure she said a simple, “I told you so” for all the times I denied it. Then I end up feeling the elegant droplets of water fall onto my arm a few hours later. She never sounded smug or egotistic, but instead always had a light smile on her face when looking up at the sky letting the rain wash over our skin. I loved seeing Lilly in the rain. Dancing and prancing in our front yard. I always made fun of her for having such a common and plain name, but she was anything but. 

People always say that you start to realize how much you love a person when you know you’re about to lose them, but I always knew how much I loved Lilly. She was such a wise and safe soul even for her age. We were 3 years apart until she died. Now we’re 5. Two brain tumors took her. They said it was an extremely rare condition that almost never happened. She left us in spring, when the rain came almost everyday. I know she liked it that way, but The asphalt on our neighborhood road now smelt of dirt instead of the fresh grass Lilly once described it as. When I saw someone dancing I always thought, “Lilly did it better.” There is no Lilly anymore and there is now only half of my soul left because my sweet sister took up the other half. The half that snorted when she laughed and lied when she took too many pieces of candy out of the cupboard.  The books with smudged chocolate fingerprints on the pages stayed neat on her shelves, nobody daring to go in the room she used to read in. The room she used to sleep and dream in. That was her room and it still belonged to her no matter where in this universe she ran off too. 

For a while all I could do was stare out of my window marked with the tips of my finger, waiting for the rain to come. When we were smaller, way before we found out she was sick, way before I was left with broken pieces of my own little world to put back together. We were sitting in our little fort watching her favorite movie, because of course she got to pick. It was something about what happened after death. I can’t remember, but I will never forget what her little brain came up with after the movie ended. This wasn’t the first time she had watched it, but this was the first time she talked afterwards.

“Do you think there’s an afterlife for us?” She quizzed softly. Was there an answer she wanted to hear? I didn't know what to say, my eyebrows furrowed.

“Do you? What kind of question is that?” After I said that, her whole demeanor changed. Lilly's shoulders sagged and a slight frown appeared on her face. 

“I just wanted to know what you thought, you never know when one of us will leave the other, okay? I didn’t think the question was that stupid.” I can’t remember now what kind of tone she used, but I remember going silent. Her thoughts were beyond her years. 

“Do you think there’s an afterlife then? Heaven and Hell?” I didn’t know if my question triggered a new emotion or not but her face was no longer fallen, but instead a look of wonder fell onto her eyes. 

“I don’t know!” She said, happy that I was engaged with the question, “But I do know that if I die first, I’ll make sure to send you a sign to let you know I'm okay.” Lilly seemed to be in her own world after that. I started smiling.

“Oh yeah? What will the sign be then?” I asked, entering the same world as her. A world full of dreams. 

“I don’t know, but you’ll know it’s me I promise, and then you’ll know I'm okay!” That made my smile drop. I looked towards her while a frown started showing on my lips. 

“That's not fair, Lilly. It has to be me, ‘cause I'm older! Got it? ” I didn’t know why I was so upset, I just knew that I was. She looked over at me. The feeling of the blankets of our fort, The sound of the movie credits from mom's laptop, the small amount of light creeping in, It all faded. All that mattered was Lilly, my beautiful little sister who brought up the possibility of her dying before me. No way this pretty creature that danced in the muddy lawn even through lightning and thunder, would leave me alone in this world.  My eleven year old mind couldn't comprehend a place without my sweet Lilly. I didn’t know that I was thinking selfishly at the time, but now I do. “Promise, Okay?” I begged, my voice strained. 

“I promise!” she gave me her best toothy smile. She broke that promise four years later.

The night Lilly died I was curled up on her hospital bed. I was fifteen not knowing how to handle anything going on in my head. I remember Lilly had lost the light in her eyes. She no longer wanted to dance in the rain, but instead sleep and read. Lilly wasn’t Lilly anymore. She was a body with the same face and fingerprints as my little sister. I wanted her to cry, scream, do something, I wanted to push her book aside and look into her eyes, but those moments were just not possible for the dying girl. The doctors told us she had about two weeks, but what they didn’t know was that Lilly was done fighting. She was ready. We were holding hands and looking out of the hospital window together.

“Do you still think there’s an afterlife, Lilly?” I softly asked, a few tears rolling down my bony cheeks. I had only been eating the bare minimum. 

“I don’t know, but I’ll be sure to let you know, okay?” She looked away from the window to the tears on my face that were falling onto her shoulders. 

“Promise?” I was desperate at this point. 

“I promise.” For the first time in weeks, Lilly smiled at me. She passed away later that night. There was no rain falling or sunny rays dripping through the blinds. Just a sad starry night. The day after her funeral, I finally broke. Of course it was raining. Getting out of the car after driving home, I ran inside and fell to my knees screeching. Holding my chest because I swear it felt like my heart was actually breaking apart, like I had been stabbed right in the chest. Maybe I had been. I was ugly crying at that point. Snot and tears mixing together. So much pain and agony. I was so angry! Angry at the world, angry at the doctors for not magically healing her. Angry at myself for crying.  Angry at my parents for never being there for us. I kept screaming at nothing but everything. The stupid door to her room was open allowing me to see her favorite blanket that we used for our fort roof once upon a time. I threw my phone the second I got a “how are you doing?” text from my friend. I threw it hoping it would break and take all of the pictures of Lilly with it. I felt arms wrap around me as I sobbed on the living room floor. 

“Mom, I can’t do it anymore! Please, mommy I can’t breathe, please make it stop. I don't wanna do this anymore, PLEASE! I can’t I can’t I can’t I-” my voice wavered off into what seemed like non-verbal screeching again. It hurt. It hurt so bad it felt like my mind was exploding. I couldn’t breath, couldn't talk, couldn’t see, I was in utmost agony. I couldn't smell the rain! Why couldn’t I smell the rain?! After calming down, I realized I had carpet burn on both knees, my voice was raw from yelling, my eyes burned from crying for so long. My mom took me to my room and helped me change clothes. I remember going through the motions but not thinking about doing them. I was on autopilot. After covering me up she kissed my forehead. Before she shut the door I spoke in such a small voice I don't know if she heard me even today.  “Mom, I want to die.” She walked away, and I fell into exhaustion. After That day,  the panic attacks started. I had to let Lilly go.

Years later when I was seventeen, walking down the hallways of school. It was like I was standing still in a constantly moving world. Even after all of these years. I braced myself for nonstop talking throughout the day. I was fine being lonely. Matter of fact I craved it. Sitting down in the middle row I put my backpack down onto the tiled floor. A girl sat down next to me. I mentally screamed as she turned towards me. 

“It smells like it’s going to rain, huh?” She questioned happily. My eyes widened, and I gripped my pen harder in my right hand. I felt like I was going to throw up. I turned to look at her. her plain, pencil straight, brown hair. With just as plain brown eyes. I didn’t even know I was staring. Not until she raised her eyebrow at me. 

“What…Um what do you mean?” I asked, loosening my hold on my pen. She just simply blinked at me. 

“I said it smells like it's about to rain? What do you think?” She seemed so confused. I should be the one that's confused,  “Oh! My name is Emma by the way!” She announced with a cheeky smile. Such a plain name. The teacher walked in and Emma soon turned to the board. I wasn’t in the slightest looking at  Mrs. Beau or listening to anything coming from her mouth, but instead sneaking peeks at the girl next to me. It started raining a few hours later. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about what Emma had said. I went home still feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. I crawled under the covers and shut my eyes tight. I will not cry. Even after a few tears rolled down my face. I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry! The next day Emma sat next to me again, then the next, and the next. She talked about anything and everything, and I listened of course, because she was everything but plain. One day I got curious though. 

“Emma, what does the rain smell like to you?” Why did I say that? I felt so weird at the moment but she didn’t laugh at me, and instead smiled her white teeth at me. 

“It smells like wildflowers and mud mixed together. It smells like a place I always want to be!” Emma laughed a little, making my lips tug up. Happy. I was happy. Class started and I didn’t let my attention falter this time.

Emma kicked the side of my desk. The metal rattled slightly. I looked up expecting her to have been looking at me, but her hand was held out passing me a note instead. In messy handwriting she asked if I wanted to study after school at the library. I was about to write back a no for an answer, but then at the last second I wrote, ‘sure’. I handed it back to her , and she smiled at me before opening it. Her grin became bigger after reading it. I laughed under my breath and continued listening to the lesson, not knowing what changed my mind so fast. 

After school we headed down the sidewalk together. My mom had already given me the okay so we were headed to the library. It was sunny today, but the clouds looked as though they were creeping up on a quiet gray color. Walking into the library, the scent of old and new books filled my nose, and it felt like the world was at a stop. Nothing but the sound of pages turning and the tap of our shoes on the wooden floors were to be heard. We took our seats and started studying for midterms. It was almost Christmas break, and I could not wait to start sleeping in. I looked over at Emma not meaning to do anything but glance, but she was looking out of the window. There was something about this girl. This sweet, crazy, beautiful girl. I could look at her forever and wonder how I could have gotten so lucky to have a soul almost identical to Lilly’s prance into my life. Without realizing it I started grinning. I wasn’t even caring about what she was looking at because all I wanted to do was look at her. She then turned around,

“It’s raining, come on!” She whispered, almost excitedly enough to give me the same emotion, and I didn’t have time to grab my books. I was almost in shock with how fast she was running out of the building. Instead of getting mad I let out a loud laugh uncaring  about the shushes coming from the people around me.

“Go where?!” I questioned, but at the end of the day I didn’t care. 

“We’re going to dance in the rain, silly!” She screamed as she pushed open the double doors, and pulled me with her. It’s like everything was in slow motion. I felt the rain on my hair, face, arms. My eyes widened, I was almost angry that she didn't ask me first, but as soon as I made sure I wasn't going to fall on my face after being pulled so hard, I looked up . What I saw wasn’t real. I knew that, but God, I wish it was. Instead of a Seventeen year old girl pulling me into the pouring down rain. I saw my twelve year old little sister gripping my hand and grinning with all the strength her face could gather up. I saw yellow rain boots stomping in puddles as we ran down the sidewalk. I saw Lilly in the face of Emma. I started crying. Emma immediately dropped my hand, looking at me concerned. I was smiling while crying. What kind of psycho does that? She was frowning now. 

“Are yo-” I stopped her in the middle of her sentence. I ran to her. My body collided with hers as I hugged with all my might. 

“I’m okay, I’m okay.” She slowly hugged me back. I started laughing and so did she. I let go and walked to the middle of the grass in front of the building. I started twirling and she did the same. The rain had already soaked us, and I was pretty sure everyone was watching from inside the window, but I couldn't care less. Happy. 

We couldn't stop laughing and smiling. We were acting like the little kids we wanted to be again. I had stopped crying, but instead was facing towards the sky with my eyes closed. We started holding onto each other again and kept dancing until the rain turned into soft droplets. 

“Emma, can I ask you something?” She opened her eyes and looked at me, but I was still facing the sky. She let out a hum in a way that told me to go on. “Do you believe in the afterlife?” It took her a second to answer. I couldn't tell if she was afraid of saying the wrong thing or if she was trying to find an answer to give. 

“Do you?” She laughed, and I opened my eyes to look at her. 

“Yes, I do.” I looked back up at the sky and smiled. I then realized I had never lost Lilly. I could never lose Lilly.