Something Gained

Alyssa curled up on the corner of the couch in her pajamas - a glass in hand filled with water while an Alka-Seltzer fizzled in it. The hangover couldn’t have been more prominent, but it was well deserved. Alyssa couldn’t keep her emotions at bay last night after the betrayal she’s been feeling. She looked like an absolute mess. Her eyeliner and mascara smudged down her eyes from sobbing during the late hours of that unforgiving night.

How many times do I have to go through this? Alyssa seemed to be pensive, yet she had no legitimate answer to this question.  

There was no possible way of saving her marriage this time. Her husband of sixteen years, Chris, had yet another affair. This affair was like no other. This affair literally tore up any possibilities of reconciliation. What made this one so different? The fact that two worlds were demolished to the ground made it impossible to put the pieces back together. His mistress lost her marriage and their only child in the process, and now she has clung real tight to Chris, and was not taking “no” for an answer. This jig-saw puzzle was damaged permanently.

Chris met his match, finally! Alyssa thought to herself in silence. Yet, the thought that her life has forever changed and the great loss that she was feeling could not be mended, overwhelmed her. Alyssa gulped down her remedy-in-a-glass and stood to head to the kitchen when she heard a knock at the door.

“You and I need to talk.” Kitty came storming through the front door, and without allowing Alyssa to put in a word, she continued, “What the hell were you thinking? You got plastered last night to the point that you collapsed on the floor, scaring your daughter in the process. You are so lucky she came running down the street to my house. Someone else would have called the cops and Family and Children Services on your ass!” 

Kitty’s voice boomed through the silence and made Alyssa’s head pound in pain. “Instead of the cops, you’re lucky it was the paramedics that showed up. I had to convince them that this wasn’t your typical behavior and that you are currently going through a separation.” Kitty’s expression was tight. She was pissed.

“This is not the way you solve your problems, Alyssa, so you better get your act together.” Her words pierced right through Alyssa’s soul. “You have a fourteen year old that you need to think of.” She continued, “You lead by example. Remember that.”

Alyssa held onto the kitchen counter, keeping her balance while her head spun. With one hand, she pressed her right temple, trying to dull the throbbing pain. Kitty is right, she thought to herself. She shouldn’t continue down this path of destruction. Alcohol was not the answer. It was actually one of the many factors that tore her marriage apart, and not because Alyssa was abusing, but because Chris was. 

It was at that very moment that Alyssa knew she had to piece her life back together, but this time, without Chris by her side. She raised her head up slowly, pulled her shoulders back, and took a deep breath, as if it was her way to step toward her new reality - her new future.

“How did Abby sleep last night?” Alyssa asked. She knew she had a lot of explaining to do to her daughter.

“Well, considering everything that happened last night, she was able to sleep. I had a long talk with her, you know, to try and ease the anxiety she was feeling.” Kitty walked around the counter where Alyssa stood and started to brew coffee. “I’m pretty sure she was frightened at the sight of her mother on the floor.”  

Alyssa stiffened at the thought.  Kitty noticed and looked at her.

“Listen, I know you are going through a very difficult time because of what Chris has done, but I know that you’re stronger than this. You are one of the strongest women I know. You will get through this. And so will Abby.”

Alyssa looked at Kitty for a moment. “You’re absolutely right. We will get through this and we’ll start today.” She started to find her way to the bathroom. “Keep the coffee warm. I am going to take a shower and wash away last night.”

“And then?” Kitty asked curiously.

“And then, I’m going to take care of business.”

Kitty gave her a smile, showing her approval and satisfaction.

Alyssa gathered her thoughts while she prepared for the long day ahead of her. While in the bathroom, she realized that for the first time since she can remember, she was taking charge of her own life. She knew that she had to make some changes. In the last sixteen years, she managed to lose herself in Chris. She no longer knew who she was or what she liked. She couldn’t even make her own decisions. Her self-esteem was stripped from her and she didn’t even know it until it was too late. Not even the clothes she wore were to her liking, but to Chris’ instead. He molded her to what he wanted his wife to be. 

Alyssa looked at herself in the mirror before she stepped into the shower. She barely recognized the person staring back at her. How did I manage to get here? Alyssa had no idea, but she knew she had to change it, for the sake of Abby and herself.

She was adamant at that moment that she needed a plan. There was going to be a lot of sacrifices, but the gains were going to outweigh all of it. For the first time in a very long time, Alyssa was choosing herself. She chose herself and her daughter at that very moment and promised that she would provide a better life for the both of them. She didn’t want Abby growing up thinking that this kind of behavior was acceptable. On the contrary, she wanted Abby to grow up knowing that respect was a requirement.

After Alyssa showered, she walked out of the bathroom to find Kitty sipping on a hot cup of coffee.

“I made my decision. I’m leaving him.”

Kitty examined Alyssa for a moment before she spoke.

“First things first,” Kitty said as she grabbed a blank sheet of paper and a pen, “on this piece of paper, you are going to write down all your expenses and your monthly income.  You will need this for when you hire an attorney.  Second, you are going to write down all the pro’s and con’s to your decision. I suggest you do a lot of soul searching, Alyssa. You are going to need to do it.”

“Are you saying you don’t think I should leave him?” Alyssa looked confused at Kitty’s comment.

“No, that’s not what I am saying. I want you to do what’s best for you and Abby. Honestly, I think you should have left him years ago, but that’s just my opinion. I want you to plan things out correctly. That’s all I am trying to say. Don’t lash out during this process just because you are upset. Keep in mind that this will also affect Abby. With this being said, you will have to ensure that the transition goes as smoothly as possible. Think before you act.”  

She stood up and walked over to the coffee machine to pour a cup of coffee for Alyssa. She handed her the cup and offered a smile before she continued.

“I’m proud of you. I will support you through this whole process. I have your back and you will not go through this alone.”  Kitty grabbed her keys and headed for the door.

“Let Abby stay for the day with me and Cristy while you work on what needs to be done. When you’re done, pick her up and take her out for ice-cream and have a talk with her.” 

“Thank you,” Alyssa said genuinely.

“No need to thank me,” Kitty replied. “That’s what friends are for.”

Kitty stepped out but not before she turned to Alyssa to say, “Alyssa, by choosing you and Abby, you will gain so much more.  You will gain self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, my friend. You are moving in the right direction. Trust it.” And with that, Kitty turned around and headed down the sidewalk back to her house.

Alyssa smiled at the thought that in that very same morning, she gained something more than she ever expected. She gained herself back.