The Crash of Love

The ocean sings her song to us as we sit upon the very cliff where we first met. I glance over at her until my gaze becomes a very apparent stare. “You know, when I first met you I was actually about to kill myself.” I let out a nervous giggle wondering why in the world I would mention that right now. She snaps her head towards me, redundant panic filling her eyes.

 “You what? Why would you wanna do that?” her hands race to mine, clutching them as if she lets them go, the past would break its bound from underground and rip me away. My cheeks turn the same shade as her lips as I realize how close in contact we are.

My heart races for all the wrong reasons and I snatch my hand away from hers. 

My eyes shift around giving her looks of lies.

”I don’t know why-“

”Why?” she cuts me off, asking again. Waiting for an answer.

I-I can’t say it.” My head looks away from her, but my soul feels hers trying to reach out to me. 

“Julie” She says, “I know we haven’t known each other for very long, but these past two weeks have been the best weeks of my life. You know you can always talk to me.” She places her hand on my shoulder and suddenly my forgotten feelings of 17 frightful years claw their way out of my chest.

“You barely know me!” I jump up. “How can you say these are the best weeks of your life when you grew up with amazing parents and family dinners every night!” I turn away from her looking out at the ocean.

My childhood memories would mortify her. The ghosts glorified in my mind simply because those poltergeists are my parents.

Days dreaming of family dinners replaced with dreaded hunger. My mouth constantly watering for love. A meal I would never get to savor.

So forgive me for getting upset so quickly, I get angry when the privileged pretend to care about the people below them.

Still, although this is how my thoughts have always been, I know my Addeline. I know she likes me, but I know she could never love me.

Who could love someone so broken? What’s the point in keeping a shattered mirror?

She looks at me, her heart trying to lure mine to the safety of her arms. My heart is as stubborn as my father.

”Julie-” She reaches for me and I show no empathy as my emotions force my hand to slap hers away.

My father has taught me no one will ever love me, my mom has taught me my father is always right.

My mind and heart talk. They don’t fight, or argue. They both want what’s best. Collectively they decide I must defy my feelings and fuel the fears she’s facing.

“I-I wish you had never saved me.”

“I wish you had just let me kill myself.”

“If I were you, Adeline, I would have done it a while ago.”

She doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t even move. She lets the cliff catch her tears and turns to walk back to the ocean. 

My mind begs her to turn around. I stop myself from reaching for her. It’s second nature, it’s all I know. My lips are parched for her name, but dry they stay. 

After the lingering silence finally disperses, she speaks.

“You are a rotten person Juliet. I think you’re just too scared to finally let yourself be loved. What a pathetic thing to chase off the only good thing in your life. You just blew your one shot at true happiness.”

She doesn’t spare me a glance as she leaves.

When she’s out of sight, I collapse to the ground. I cry the same way a mother does when she loses a child. The sun sets but it feels as if she’s not going to rise again.

I calm myself down and watch the waves try to convince me to chase after her. They crash and kiss but they can’t control my shallow heart.

I talk to myself, preparing to do what I should have done two weeks ago.

I speak to the ocean as if I’m talking to my Addie. The waves shape into the same form as her body. The different shades of blue match the azul hues in her eyes. 

She’s always loved the ocean. This cliff, towering over the sea, makes the waves look tiny. That’s one of the reasons Addeline loves this place. It makes her feel big. She told me her secrets only for me to hide the promises of sharing mine.

She saved me from myself the first time, and in return I tore her from herself.

Her nails were always painted, and no matter how often she washed her skin she always smelled like seaweed and sand. 

She found me crying once, plagued with the thought of her dying. 

“There’s so much death Addie! People are always killing and trying to take things away from me!”

She simply grabbed her hair brush and de-tangled my tears and she shushed me.

“Julie what’s something you love?”

I didn’t tell her then, but the first thought that popped into my mind, was her.

“The wind.” I sniffled. “Addie what if someone tries and takes the wind from me?”

A silly impossible question but one that bothered me at that.

She sat in front of me, stroking my hair. She took her hands, the feeling of home cupped my face.

”Juliet, no one can take the wind from you”

My heavy breaths stopped suffocating and i threw my arms around her.

“Thankyou Addie.”

The waves became angry at my indecisiveness. I can’t go with this much guilt weighing me down.

I tell the ocean my secrets. 

“I have cancer, Addeline.” I feel the sea drain from my eyes. “I know I was too mean, but I know you. You wouldn’t have left otherwise.” I feel silly confessing my truths to the ocean but she listens.

My nervous system screams. My flight or fight kicks in, in an attempt to save me from my inevitable fate. 

As I walk closer to the edge of my lifeline, my thoughts wander to other lifes where I’d be someone worthy enough for Addie.

“In another life, I really would have just enjoyed sitting on this cliff with you watching the sun and the stars.”

The silence is filled with settlement, and the waves wish me goodbye.

My feet finally make up their mind and walk me to my fate.

As I fall, I hear the screech of a girl who sounds like she just experienced the death of a lover.

“Oh.”