Accept that empty space

Sometimes it’s scary to think that just one moment can change someone’s life forever. 

One moment can turn someone into a completely different person. 

A woman sat in a group of ten people in an old church, her long brown hair tied up in a tight bun, her blue eyes searching for something safe and her freckled face void of any emotion. 

“Gal, it’s your turn.” A blonde haired woman said as the broken girl looked up to see the group staring at her. 

“Right.” She whispered looking down at her dry hands. 

One of her coworkers suggested she come to this group, to talk to other people going through a similar thing. 

Since she was a young girl she had suffered from PTSD and for so long she kept that a secret. But people started to notice she wasn’t the girl she played out to be. She was broken. 

Her hands were shaking and her chest tight as she tried to find the right words. 

“Well, I don’t fully know what happened to me. One of my doctors said my brain made me forget to protect me. I honestly don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I just know there’s trauma there, I feel the pain and torture of it everyday.” She whispered not daring to look up at anyone. 

“Somehow not remembering makes me feel even more lost and alone. Like my whole life is just a big question mark, like there’s a giant hole inside of me.” She continued as she took in a deep breath, afraid she would break down in front of everyone. 

“The thing about trauma is that when it happens you sort of split into two people, or even more then just two. I know that when it happened I split into the person it happened to and the person who just tries to stay alive. That part of me that it happened to never aged, never moved on or ever found peace. Some nights when I’m trying to fall asleep I can hear her calling out, calling out for someone to save her, calling out for her mother, calling out for someone to hear her. I hear her whaling and crying, lost in the dark trying to find something to hold onto.” The girl whispered as tears began to well in her eyes and she tried to not let them free. 

“It’s okay Gal, just take it slow.” The head of the session said as Gal nodded and took a deep breath. 

“I may not remember what happened to me, but I know that the memory is there. I know it’s hidden deep down, I feel it starting to come up sometimes. But with all my power I push it back down.” She muttered as a tall older man with blackish grey hair spoke up. 

“What do you think would happen if you remembered?” He asked as she looked up at him and sighed. 

“Honestly I don’t know, maybe I could finally heal or maybe it would make everything worse.” She whispered in response as the man nodded. 

“Thank you for sharing Gal.” The blonde woman said as Gal nodded. She began to zone out and before she knew it the class was starting to wrap up. 

She made her way out of the old church and into the cold night. 

“I’m glad you shared today, most people don’t share anything their first time here.” The same man from before said as she smiled at him. 

“Thank you, I’m glad I shared today as well. All of this will be a really long journey, but I know there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel.” She replied making the man smile. 

“I’ll see you next week.” He replied before walking away. 

Next week arrived and Gal sat in her small city apartment trying her hardest to get out of bed and get ready. She finally climbed out of her bed and stared down at the clothes she had picked out for the group session. 

Why was it so hard to get ready? It was so easy, why couldn’t she just do it? 

She stood in the same place looking down at her clothes for a half an hour before she finally, very slowly began getting dressed into a simple t-shirt and baggy grey pants. 

She eventually made it out of the door and dragged herself to the church, she knew she was going to be late but at the moment she didn’t care. 

She made it to the church and went inside seeing everyone sitting down talking, she sat at her place and kept quiet and numb. 

It came to her turn and everyone looked at her expectantly. 

“Everything okay Gal?” The blonde woman asked as she looked up at everyone with a void expression. 

“I can feel myself slipping away again. The pain is returning, the torture is returning. I just feel so far away from everything. I feel so much guilt and no love in my heart. Like I’m slowly giving up.” Gal whispered as the group looked at her in sadness but also understanding. 

“I had a dream the other night, it was short but…it hurt me. In the dream I saw a hand, a hand of a woman and in that moment that I saw it I screamed and broke down crying. I woke up alone and shaking trying to find something safe to hold onto.” She muttered as he hands began to shake. 

“Do you know who’s hand it was?” One girl asked as Gal shook her head. 

“No, I just know I was terrified, all it took was one glimpse and I broke.” Gal whispered as she began to cry. 

“I don’t understand why this happened, why any of this happens. I was a child, I didn’t do anything. Why am I being punished? Why are we all being punished when we never deserved any of this?” Gal shouted as she began to sob. 

“No one understands me, none of my friends or family could ever understand this torture I go through everyday. The hell I have to face every second of my life, just because of what one idiot did to me when I was a child. Why, why did they do it? Why did they punish me!” She screamed again as her heart ached and she sobbed harder then she ever had. 

The group knew what she was going through, and knew what she was facing. 

“I can hear that child inside me screaming to get out, screaming to finally be loved, screaming to have that hole in our soul mended.” She whispered as she covered her face and cried. 

“Why was no one there? Why didn’t they stop it? Why didn’t they notice something had happened? Why did everyone just go on with their life while I was trying to not kill myself?” She whaled out as her heart felt heavy and her soul broken. 

“Just let it out Gal, it’s okay. You’re in a safe place.” The blonde woman said as Gal nodded and continued to cry. The red haired girl beside her placed her hand on her shoulder. 

“You don’t need to suffer in silence anymore.” She whispered to Gal as she continued to cry. 

Her cries went down to just a sniffle as she stayed quiet and listened to everyone else. 

It hurt so much, realising the trauma she had kept hidden for so long.  

The session ended and Gal decided she didn’t want to go home. She went to the closest bar and sat down to have a drink. Maybe she could numb some of this pain. 

Or maybe alcohol wasn’t the answer. She looked down at the whiskey the bar tender had given her. 

“One moment, that’s all it took. One moment when I was child to turn me into the person I am now.” She whispered to herself sculling the whiskey and deciding to walk out. She knew if she kept drinking it wouldn’t solve anything. 

She decided to just walk on her own out to the docks where she sat and watched the water. 

“Gal.” She heard a voice say looking up to see the older man from her therapy group. 

“Hey Jack.” She muttered as he sat beside her. 

“I know what it’s like, having that hole inside of you. If I’m being honest it never goes away, but it does get easier to cope with. Don’t try to fill that empty space with booze or drugs, instead learn how to live with it and how to slowly accept it as a part of you. There’s no excuse what happened to you all those years ago, but it still happened and there’s no changing that. I think the first step is accepting and loving yourself. You said you can feel that child version of yourself still there, all she needs is love and safety and you’re the only one that can give it to her. Learn to love yourself, even your scars.” He said as she looked at him in shock, no one had ever gone out of their way to help her. She hugged him tightly as he chuckled and hugged her back. 

“No one said you have to do this alone.” He whispered as she nodded and let her tears free. 

“It’s time we all accept that empty space inside of us, because no matter how hard we try nothing can truly ever fill it. But we can heal and love it, in the end that’s all anyone ever wants.” He continued only making her cry even more. 

“It’s time to stop hiding your pain and suffering.”