She's the Man

“My friend from Canada is coming down for a week and staying with us, is that cool?” Janie asked Anna. 

            “Sure.” Anna shrugged; she already knew Janie was talking about John.  

            “Yeah, his movie premier is next weekend.” Janie relished in her ability to turn her fandom into a friendship with a D-list celebrity. Janie was a homely looking white girl, and this made her a prime target to be viciously bullied by less homely looking white girls her entire life. This kind of constant ridicule made Janie a fangirl of everything and anything that helped her escape the loneliness that came with it.  

            “Are you going to the premier?” 

            “No. He says there wasn’t enough money in the budget, or something, to have random friends attend, but whatever. John said we can all see the movie together on a different day. We can laugh at peoples confused faces when they see him leave the theatre.” 

            “Oh, hell yeah.” Anna had a wide-eyed smile. “That would be much more fun than some bougie ass event.”

            “I know right, fuck them. We can have our own fun.”

            Anna gave a quick nod, “so, when’s John getting here?” Anna always agreed with whatever Janie said. Anna grew up in house with 5 brothers and Janie’s sense of humor made Anna feel like she found her long lost sister.  Anna also found herself out of a 4-year relationship when she and Janie waited outside of the universal studios’ recruitment office. They immediately hit it off and made a deal, if they both got hired, they would move in together.  Anna wanted to take a year off college to find herself and Janie wanted to be an actress. They trauma bonded so hard their coworkers just assumed they grew up together. They could have been sisters, but Anna was small, brown, and curvy so they couldn’t be sisters but could be sisters all at the same time.

            “Come on, this is our stop. He should be here later tonight. He’s taking a red eye.” They both started their long walk up the hill and into wardrobe to change into their very unflattering uniforms clearly from the early days of the theme park. 

            “Oh, sweet we’re both working Jurassic Snacks together.” 

            “That has to be a mistake. They don’t like us having fun while we’re working.” Janie took the schedule to complain to one of the sad looking 30-year-old managers. 

            “Wait, Janie, let them realize their mistake on their own. Come on let’s go.” Anna started tugging on Janie’s short sleeve. 

“I’d rather sell overpriced SpongeBob balloons and get puked on by spoiled brats than watch your huge tits pouring beers for drooling strangers.” Janie secretly hated all the attention Anna got but also didn’t mind the secondhand attention it brought her. Anna felt defeated and let go of Janie’s sleeve and let her complain about the schedule. 

                                                                       ***

“I hate that fat bitch.” Janie complained about one of the sad looking 30-year-old managers for putting her at the frozen lemonade stand in one of the dark corners of the lower lot before smashing back another after work tequila shot. 

“If you kept your mouth shut, we could’ve worked Jurassic Snacks together.” Janie gave Anna a silent eye roll and that was Anna’s que to change the subject. “How is John getting to the house?”

“Taxi I think.”

“Should we start heading back home?”

“Yeah, hey what’s that?” Anna turned her head to see what Janie was pointing at. When Anna turned her head back to Janie, Smack! Anna bumped her cheek into Janie’s purposely placed fist.

“Ouch. You bitch. I can’t believe you got me again.”  Anna made a circle with her index finger and thumb. “I think you dropped that $5 on the floor there.” Janie looked down and knew she made the mistake of looking at the hand gesture Anna was making and giggled in defeat. Thwack! Anna punched Janie in the arm. These kinds of frat boy antics are what made people think they grew up together. 

“Let’s hurry up and catch our bus bitch cakes.” Janie rubbed her arm even though it didn’t really hurt. As they left the bar Janie spotted the bus about to pull into the stop so they both wobble ran just in time to jump through the bus doors and victoriously laughed while they looked for their metro cards, paid, and nearly fell while trying to find seats as the bus rolled on to the next stop.  “Oh, John sent me a text. He’s landed.” Janie gave a nervous smile. 

“You think John might finally confess his love to you?” Anna poked Janie in the ribs and gave her a wink. 

“Shut up, we’re just friends.” Janie’s tone wasn’t very convincing to Anna.

“So, you won’t mind if I fuck him?” Anna teased.

“Bitch, you better not. He’s like a brother to me and I’ll kick your ass.”

“Wouldn’t be the first brother I banged... Wait, that came out wrong.”

“You look like a brother fucker, I knew it.”

“Yeah, well, your face.” They both fell silent and let the alcohol and the motion of the bus lull them into the working dead that travel by bus on a Tuesday night.

As they both stumbled off the bus Janie spotted a familiar tall blonde man on his cell phone looking confused and lost. “John!” Janie ran into John’s arms and they both enjoyed each other’s embrace for a moment. “I want you to meet my best friend, Anna. She’s going to sleep on the couch, and you can take her bed.” 

“I never agreed to that.”

“You are now.”

“I can take the couch its fine.” John said trying to break any tension. “I just expect pancakes every morning, lightly dusted with powdered sugar.” John used his best red carpet smile.

“Got it. Krispy Kream donuts every morning it is.” Janie grabbed John’s luggage and started walking towards the rusty apartment gates. “So how was your flight?” Janie’s face turned red. She forgot how cute John was.

“It was ok. You’re so sweet for asking.” John gave Janie a quick flirty wink.

“We bought a giant ass bottle of vodka for your arrival.” Anna announced as she unlocked the front door and helped Janie throw John’s luggage in the corner of the small bleak looking one bedroom apartment. “My buzz is wearing off, should I start mixing drinks, ladies.”

“Only if you have diet Rockstar as a mixer, I’m super tired.” John threw himself on the thrifted couch with missing decorative pillows. 

“Bitch, who do you think introduced you to that shit, of course we have diet Rockstars” Janie poured a messy vodka diet Rockstar and took a nervous gulp. “Sorry Anna, I didn’t make you one. I only have two hands and a good hostess serves her guest.”

“That’s ok. I only have one finger for you.” Anna gave a mischievous toothy smile along with the chosen finger. 

Half a giant ass bottle of vodka later John and Anna found themselves sitting on Anna’s bed which was on Ann’s side of the room, flirting with each other. “So, like, stupid question; but is there a specific way actors kiss each other or like its ok to just go for it?” It was Anna’s sneaky invitation to her mouth and John accepted.

“I can show you if you want.” John leaned in and started kissing Anna without waiting for a response. Janie tried to distract herself from the fact that her two best friends were making out in front of her and tried to find a story in the white wall in front of her. The wall was still stuck in the 80’s and that orange peel texture to it.

“Hey, can you guys stop sucking face for a minute. I’m right here.”

“Sorry.” Anna gave Janie a half apologetic toothy smile.

Janie hated when Anna gave people those toothy smiles. Anna thought she was so cute. So cute just waltzing into Janie’s life and kissing her best friends. “Anna! You’re spilling your drink!” Anna turned her body to catch the spilled drink and Janie purposely placed her fist next to Anna’s cheek and waited for Anna to bump into it, but at the last second Janie decided to let her body weight give way and leaned her whole body, fist still in place and punched Anna in the face.