The Life

THE LIFE

If I would have known how my life would have turned out, I never would have done what I did. When I say “Be careful what you wish for,” that's one I wished I’d have listened to. It was a cold and thankless night when it all started, as I remembered it. The drapes were brand new and the clock was ticking. I remember thinking to myself– what is this thing called love? I opened my eyes and your face was the first thing I saw smiling at me. There was such an earnestness in your eyes. I could not tell you then, all I could do was lose myself in your smile. I couldn’t seem to stop myself from needing you. Throughout the many nights I desired your touch. Why were you so tired back then? Was it my fault that I needed you so much? You stood beside my bed ever so quietly watching me sleep. When I awoke you were still at my side. You didn’t need to hold me so tight, I wouldn’t break. Why had you hummed that same song over and over? Didn’t you know it causes you to fall asleep instead of me while we laid together? I snuggled my head deep into your chest to quietly listen to the beating of your heart so close to mine. It tickled when your dark hair brushes across my cheek. I was content to stay in your arms forever, back then.

But the clock ticked on and the sun shined through the drapes. I have become older. Your smile said a lot without saying a word. Oh how I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed the curve of your lips, especially when it lit up your face with those tiny little wrinkles on the edges of your eyes. There was such happiness in me while we were together. You gave me everything I needed and sang your silly songs to make me laugh. I was glad that you picked me to love. I felt secure when you comforted me and I was satisfied. I wish you had told me why you loved me so much.

The sun sat as the room grew darker and the clock continued to inch forward. Many years have come and gone since I first looked into your eyes. I have gotten older and don't want to follow your rules anymore. I was still with you but your smile had faded. Why did you look at me like that? Was I the reason you frowned all the time? I couldn’t help myself, it was out of curiosity that caused me to behave that way. I wished you would have told me where your beautiful smile went. Why did you make it go away? I wanted to see the upturned corners of your mouth again, it made me happy. If only you knew how much I really missed your smile. Would you have allowed it to return and please me? All your mouth knew was to frown. I wanted to ask you but was afraid of your answer; You still loved me, didn't you? Why wouldn’t you respond to me or show me a sense of semblance to the face I used to enjoy looking at? Why had you continued to disallow my enjoyment? Was I not still welcomed in your life? Why were the things I desired always so far away from me? Was it still too hot?

The sun pressed against the drapes and the clock ticked even louder, more time passed and it seemed that you disliked who I had become. I had forgotten your smile by then. I may not have needed you as much as I once did, but sometimes I did want you near. Didn’t you still want me or had that time passed for you too? How often I searched your face for answers and you always turned away. You continued to push me away while you rushed about doing the things that you claimed needed to be done. Why had you stopped including me in your life? Was it because you had no time for me anymore? I wanted to tell you something back then. Couldn’t you have stopped for a moment and listened to me? Why did you purposely ignore me when all I wanted was to talk to you? Why did you continue to look away as if I were annoying you? Didn’t you still love me or should I have stopped wishing for such silliness?

The clock has stopped ticking and the drapes are frayed. You said I was different, but it was you that had changed. I didn’t want you anymore. Matter of fact, I had met someone new who liked me just as I was. He kept me happy, far more than you ever did. I wanted to tell you something important that I wanted you to know. But you wouldn’t listen back then. Time was of the essence and I had begun to change. But you won’t see it because I hid myself from you. If I told you the truth, how would you have handled it? Would you have gone into your room and cried or would you have told me it would be okay? 

I wanted to tell you that we were more alike now, but I couldn’t share my secrets with you; not without you thinking less of me. I stood at the window talking to him when you came in. I would not justify myself to you nor would I let you push him away. I wanted him in my life too. It was not my fault, you ignored me, I didn’t want to choose between you too. Your disapproving look said it all as you shook your head and closed the door. He gets me, why don’t you? 

The clock was replaced but the drapes were faded. I wanted to believe that I could handle it but you’ve found out and pushed me further away. I was physically and emotionally distraught over your discovery and didn’t understand why you called me a whore. You couldn’t make me end it and I didn’t need your permission. But I couldn’t stand that you were hurting that way. I packed my things and left. I was going to be with him now. He met me at the usual place and I shared my soul but he denied me. I was alone now with no idea where I’d live. So I wandered the streets near your house, sleeping in a box in the alley. I could hear you calling me in the night. Why did you call for me when I wanted you to leave me alone? I had made my bed and I was going to lay in it, without you.

There were no clocks or drapes, I felt pain and she took her first breath, born behind a dumpster in a cardboard box. I wrapped her in my dirty clothing to keep her warm, it was all I could have done. Two years had passed since I last saw your face. You had stopped calling for me and I wondered if you even remembered me. Too much time has passed and I was afraid to knock on your door. We have not been doing well and I struggled to keep her safe. Even if I were to return to you, what could I have said to you to make you understand? Isn’t it funny that I didn’t know how to talk to you anymore. I tried to tell myself staying away from you was for the best. You didn’t really want to see me, did you? Of course you didn’t want to see me. I was a bum on the streets with a bastard for a daughter.

Six more years rolled slowly by and I hadn't seen your face since I left, all those years ago. I wanted to come back many times but out of fear of your hostile remarks, I refused. I was trying to be strong for both of us. She was mine like I used to be for you. I couldn’t even remember your smile or the twinkle in your eye anymore. Couldn’t even remember the last time I heard the sound of your voice calling for me. What happened to your love, where did it go? Something changed in you back then when you found out about me, didn’t it? Was it because I chose another over you?  I know why he turned away from me, but I still don’t know why you did. What was I supposed to do? Was I that bad of a human being?

Another year went by and I finally got the nerve to return and knock on your door. Someone else answered the door and told me you had died. Why did you not wait for me to return? Why did you have to die? I had no words to say to explain what I was feeling inside. The thought of never seeing you again was too much for me to bear. I will never again see the twinkle in your eyes, it has gone out. I didn’t know, I’d miss you this much. If I’d known I would have come home sooner, to tell you how much I loved you. I sat in the death-room with you there, laying perfectly still in your final slumber as I watched your chapter end. No…  Not like this… I thought as I stood over your empty shell in a fancy pine box. I screamed and their hands caught me. It was too much as they laid me across your bed. I sobbed silently, clinging tightly to your pillow, inhaling what was left of you. Falling asleep only to reawaken moments later and you have not returned. Why couldn’t you wait for me, I call softly to you while hoping just this once, whatever powers be would be allowed. Why did I stay away so long? I tormented myself in your absence. My heart wouldn’t be fixed and time wouldn’t change this. How was I supposed to go on without you? The door opened and she slowly entered the room, her smile was welcomed, almost like yours once was. I could see it now but why hadn’t I seen it before. I was comforted by her touch. We moved into your house and were doing well. I spoke of you often to her, she was happy to know that the life we had was over.

Time flew by more quickly now until the day I was very brittle. She sat beside my bed and held my hand, reminding me that my mother had given her that smile. It told me that a part of my mother was still there. Even after all that time, when I couldn't see it before. My mother’s love allowed me to make choices that led me to that moment. But the only regret I had was that I hadn’t spent more time with my mother while she was alive. If given a chance to see her again, I would jump at the chance to take it, I would always take it. I never should have walked away from her even when her smile was hidden behind a frown. As I took my last breath I focused on the curve of my daughter’s face and closed my eyes. I opened my eyes on the other side and my mother was the first thing I saw smiling at me like she did when I was a small child. All I could say was “I love you Momma,”.