Stagnant Dreams

TW: This story contains sensitive content such as Sexual violence, Mental health, Substance abuse, Physical violence or abuse, and Suicide.

"It's tea time, and maybe I will have a biscuit or two, but first I must hurry up with my

skincare routine; there is nothing like starting the mornings, pampering yourself and doing what you like." Annie said. “Waah waah,” a baby cried.

Since I was little, I find myself daydreaming about me being someone else, living the life of someone else who could be me if I didn't have the parents that I have. It is said that no one gives a manual to parents when having their first child, but they should also say that if they are not prepared to have one, then, do not have one, and much less five. It seems innocent and an excuse when my parents say my parents were not an example; how could I be better for you? Or It's not my fault, I didn't know how to raise you. Well, I didn't ask to be born. Why do I have to endure this life if I didn't ask for it? Furthermore, why must I be the mother of my siblings and of my own mother? Fortunately, only for my mother and no longer for my father, because he is gone.

It seems that he couldn’t stand it anymore. I would like to have the strength to do the same because I can no longer stand it, every day I am living in agony. It seems like déjà vu, every day I have lived it over and over again; between the heat of this non-habitable house to the pills that my mother gives me. I have no way of knowing what day of the week it is. All I know is hell itself and I must take care of my siblings, my mother, and my niece. I am sleep deprived, there is no way to fall asleep, my mother goes out after midnight to see men, and she returns at dawn, sometimes she returns accompanied. Sometimes I would like to run and not return; but that dream seems so far away when I can’t even close the door of my room because there is no door. I can’t close the windows either; they don’t have glass, what is the point?

In my fantasies, I am a model or an actress, but maybe it is not a fantasy; maybe I am an actress. I seem to live in a beautiful home where everything is full of love and my niece is not my niece but my daughter. I take care of her, her food, clothing, and spend time with her. She is everything to me. My siblings are successful and independent; they left home a long time ago, and they always call me to show their love and support. In my fantasy, my mother is sober, retired; she enjoys knitting and spending time with her grandchildren.

Bang door shuts. "Oh no!" Annie said, "please, just one night ago you were drunk and you hit me. Why can't you stay sober or go anywhere else and stop making our lives so miserable? Just leave us alone.” “Where is Mandie?! Stop pretending that she is your daughter! You are an idiot, get your own daughter, and settle for being her aunt! Stop teasing me, you know I'm stronger than you; you’re weak and stupid; you can't even get a job, poor ridicule aimlessly.” Kandas said.

“Please, sister, come back in the morning, you are very drunk, you are scaring your daughter, don’t worry, I will take care of her, yeah?”

"I will take care of her, I will take care of her." Kandas said. "You are pathetic, do you think Mandie can't bear to see her mother drunk? Have you forgotten how we tolerated our parents fighting over drugs? Seeing how dad beat mom up for not letting herself be touched by his friends for money? And we would have to go out to look for food on the street because the fridge was always empty and our drugged parents were unconscious in the house? Wake up, Annie; our childhood was a tragedy; there is no way that my daughter's childhood is going to be better. This is in the family, you should have already left the house. What are you doing here? All of us are older, you no longer have to take care of us, yes, some are studying but they do not need you. Leave and make your life, leave Mom to rot in her addiction, and let me raise my daughter as I please."

Kandas pushed Annie to take Mandie and left the house. 

"Don’t go! It’s not safe out there" Annie yelled.

Whenever my sister takes my niece, I die of fear, I don't know if they are safe in her boyfriend's house, the guy is much older and he always looks at me very weird. My niece has many bruises. I wish I could take her away and never come back, but my mom needs me. She doesn't want to sleep or eat; she just wants to go out with her friends, and I don't know what can happen to her with those people, it's hard for me to let her go. I don't really have any control over her, whenever I want to talk to her; she just slaps me and tells me that I should be dead; that I am only good at crying and lamenting. I know that I am very sensitive but I don’t do it on purpose, sometimes tears come out of my eyes even when I am happy, but if I think about it, I don't know what it's like to be genuinely happy, perhaps to be happy means being alone and take care of yourself and do what you like. Once I lived that, I was able to go away from here to study, but it didn't last long. My mother threatened me to kill herself if I didn't come back. I don’t understand her. Sometimes she tells me that she loves me and that we are best friends. We go to the park, to the movies, and to eat. She even continues to be in a good mood and we talk at home. But other days she criticizes me for having returned and not finishing college so I could be able to take care of us both financially. In her mind, I have to provide for her, for me, and well, my siblings... leave them to rot! Those abusive mediocre fools. Will say my mother. "They only look after themselves, they don’t love me or you! Just look after me, my sweet daughter, just after me. My bones hurt, my back hurts, and I can no longer work; do you have more money? I need to see John, my good friend. He always has pills that help me dispel the pain, oh and above all to forget, forget about your father. I am glad that you look more like me. His face is dark and repulsive as those nights when he forced me to make love to him or he would leave me naked outside the house. No matter what he did to me I stood it. I did it for you, for you and your siblings, but they only judge me, the ridiculous drug addict, they call me. They have no respect for me, the women who gave them life, but you, my sweet Annie, you always listen to me, and take care of me.

I regret all those times I hit you and mistreated you, you know I love you, right? I do love you, and the past hurts me. I don't know what went through my head when I let that man touch you. I'm so sorry, I wasn't being myself, but mommy loves you, mommy takes care of you; so, do you have some money? John will not take long to come over and he is going to stay for the night. Do not bother telling me to not make noise and that you can’t sleep, nor that you don’t feel safe with him in the house. He is my friend and he helps us pay for the rent and things that you also use, such as that facial cream that you like so much. By the way, I don’t think it is helping you with your facial spots. You should just wash it. You don’t need extra fancy things like going to see a doctor to check your skin, do not be ridiculous. Where are we going to get the money? Maybe you can gather some if you talk to John. He can give you work with his friends, come on, think about it. You are young and beautiful; you could raise more money so that we can move to a better place."

There is no such thing as a better place; this vicious toxic cycle is my life. I wish it all could end.