On the Lips of the Snee!

From Scientific American

February 2024

Editor’s Note: The following piece comes to us from the private journals of the late American evolutionary biologist, J. Albert Fauntelroy. Fauntelroy’s writings concern a previously undiscovered species he dubbed the Snee!, so named for the “scream” that the creatures uttered when he stumbled upon their burgeoning civilization. Per the scientist’s initial description, the Snee! are “bipedal, amphibious mammals standing three feet tall, with a squat, roundish bodies, thin, highly flexible limbs, and downy coats of various colors”.

Fauntleroy encountered the Snee! while exploring a system of sea caves surrounding an obscure archipelago far off the coast of New Zealand. He studied these creatures for a nearly four month period beginning in June of 2002, writing volumes about what he termed “a colony of highly intelligent lifeforms on the verge of a developing an advanced aquacultural society.”

Fauntleory carried out his study of the Snee! in complete isolation, taking up residence on an otherwise uninhabited island, and sharing none of his findings with family, acquaintances, or the greater scientific community. For reasons that will later be made plain, he stipulated that his Snee! writings not be published until he was 10 years dead. His manuscripts were willed to Scientific American on the occasion of the scientist’s passing in 2014.

While the remainder of “The Snee! Chronicles” have already appeared in the pages of this journal, Fauntleroy stipulated that this, their final chapter, be withheld until Valentine’s Day of the publishing year.

One final note, which may aid the reader’s interpretation of the final chronicle: J. Albert Fauntleroy never married, and no record exists of his ever having maintained a stable romance. As evidenced by his lifelong activity on numerous dating apps, as well as certain sexual frustrations manifested in his scientific writings, his bachelorhood was entirely involuntary.

On the Lips of the Snee!

By J. Albert Fauntleroy

September 21, 2002

Snee! Affection

In my estimation, romance among intelligent lifeforms consists of two principal features: communication and intercourse. The parties of a romance must communicate effectively in order to achieve a shared sense of socioemotional understanding. They must also engage in successful physical intimacy, seeking and sustaining some manner of sexual compatibility.

Do the Snee! become infatuated with one another? Do they have sex for pleasure’s sake? Can they fall in love?

To begin our investigation of these queries, we should first refresh our understanding of Snee! communication. In my journal entry of June 21–”Snee! Talk”--I observed that the Snee! seem to converse without making any audible noise. When working, they often face one another in pairs or groups for extended periods of time, then take off to complete new tasks, or to revise tasks already completed. If they are not engaged in shrimp farming or tasks related to the construction of their subterranean citadel, the Snee! can be found in repose or at play, still silently attentive to one another.

Given their wordless ways, the manner in which Snee! might communicate romantically remains, for now, a veiled enigma.

To attempt to comprehend their capacity for romance, we ought also review our existing knowledge of Snee! sexuality. As I have previously noted, all of the Snee! possess what appear to be both male and female sex organs. During intercourse, anywhere from two to a dozen partners take turns inseminating one another. Following a gestation period of six to eight weeks, all parties give birth to a litter of Snee! pups.

It is the general opinion of evolutionary biologists that advanced displays of intimacy–carried out for purposes other than the reproductive–are signs of high intelligence. In this regard, the Snee! would appear to be an evolutionary rung below chimpanzees and dolphins, both of which species have been observed to engage in sex for pleasure. The Snee!, conversely, seem to copulate in the manner of “lower lifeforms”–mechanically, and without passion.

Although their mode of reproduction appears entirely procedural, I would however argue that the apparently asexual Snee! are by no means aromantic. Far to the contrary, they are prone to various displays of non-reproductive physical affection—hugging, nuzzling, and the like. Aside from their occasional exclamations of fear or anxiety, the feline-like purrs the Snee! make when “cuddling” are the only other noises I have heard them emit.

Perhaps owing to my solitude, I have taken a keen interest in Snee! affection. Because the little, rotund, soft-furred Snee! are objectively “cute” to the human eye, I confess that I would quite enjoy snuggling up to one of these extraordinary beings.

The snuggly Snee! are rendered all the more attractive by their luscious coats, which I have elsewhere described as “variegated furs spanning the full visible spectrum, with each creature wearing a pattern entirely their own.”

Of course, my projection of qualities deemed attractive among humans may have no relevance to the Snee!. In observing their sexual behaviors, I have attempted to discern some semblance of a mating ritual, some amount of selectivity in a given Snee!’s choice of sexual partner.

As of yet, I have failed to determine any certain feature or behavior that might spark attraction between any specific Snee! couple. Over my first few months among them, I have observed each Snee! make the proverbial rounds with every other member of the colony, which numbered 76 when I first encountered them.

In the final analysis, I have seen that a tendency to copulate orgiastically and indiscriminately proves true–quite curiously–for every member of the Snee! colony save for one.

I quickly noticed the exclusion of the Snee! in question because I found this particular creature to be the most attractive of the bunch. To my human eye, at least, the lone, celibate Snee! is much more striking and voluptuous than the others.

While most Snee! bodies range from the spherical to the ovular, her thorax is uniquely curvaceous. While all the Snee! wear fabulous coats, her fur is colored in particularly alluring shades of magenta peppered with flecks of iridescent gold. The feelers lining her cranial cavity are unusually long and unmistakably feminine, resembling lush eyelashes with no eyes beneath them.

This exceptional Snee! is not only removed from intercourse, but from most forms of of Snee! interaction. Outside of working hours, I usually see her going for long swims alone, or reclining in seemingly contented solitude as the water laps at her feet. When she is not at rest in the sea, she tends to go to sleep early while the other Snee! remain up late conversing and recreating together.

I must admit that I empathize with this creature, observing in her many of the same solitary behaviors which I encounter in myself. Against my better judgment as an impartial observer, I have taken to calling her “Tabitha”.

September 24, 2002

The Dashing Rogue

Today I trailed Tabitha for a period of roughly 11 hours, aiming to determine what qualities separate her from the herd. Has she for some reason been socially ostracized from the others? Or is her isolation self-assigned?

Because I have kept my distance and made clear that I mean them no harm, the Snee! have now fully adjusted to my presence. Perhaps because I am five times their size, they view me as a docile, superior being to be respected rather than feared. Occasionally, a Snee! or two will even stop to study the lone, exotic creature in their midst. Their curiosity fades quickly, though, and they continue to sidle on by.

Tabitha, however, is the first Snee! who I have observed in isolation for an extended period of time. Because of this, I was initially wary of how she might respond to the extra attention I was paying her.

When the day began, Tabitha was work in the shrimp harvesting pools, and paid little mind to my presence. In this context, I saw that she was merely one member of the team, wading alongside her fellows as they used their long, nimble arms to sweep up full-grown shrimp with handheld nets.

After several hours of harvesting, Tabitha departed on a solitary task. At this point, my interest in her was made plain.

I followed her along the shores of the shrimping pools, as she made her way from the larger, central pool where she had been working, to a smaller one abutting the sea cave wall.

My heart trembled and my breath grew short as I found myself alone with Tabitha. Between us, there was a nervous void filled only by the sound of waves lapping at the pebbled shore. Ahead of me, the soft, sauntering, magenta hips of a creature rare and fine.

I was so mystified by Tabitha’s smooth locomotion that I gave a start when she turned around. Backing away one anxious step, I held my breath as she tilted her small body back to take me in. After a moment’s hesitation, she batted her feelers at me coquettishly, then turned around and carried on.

Excited by our game of cat and mouse, I pursued Tabitha with renewed vigor, beginning to worry less about maintaining a comfortable distance between us.

Though Tabitha paid me little mind, she seemed perfectly comfortable with my shadowing her over the remainder of her working day. I snorkeled beside her as she repaired holes in the shell-and-mud walls that form the perimeters of the shrimping pools–an architectural feature which the Snee! are apparently still in the process of perfecting. At the day’s end, I reclined next to her on the shore as she stood stoic before the pools, apparently admiring her handiwork.

In that moment of rest, Tabitha turned toward me for the first time since our initial encounter on the shore. With her supple bosom calmly rising and falling, she again batted her feelers at me in that flirtatious way. I felt a certain electricity in the air then, the kind of spark that ought to move a man to action. I struggled, though, in determining how I might communicate my interest to a creature not only beyond my own language, but without any form of language as I know it. A physical display of affection felt premature... Perhaps if I focused intently on my infatuation, she would be able to read my mind.

Alas, before I could seize the moment, Tabitha was back on her feet and trotting along back to the citadel. My heart fell, then leapt again as I watched her gracefully glide away.

Worried about seeming overbearing, I observed Tabitha from a distance for the rest of the night. She engaged in her usual ritual, the end-of-day swim, then retreated into the small, driftwood hut where she lives alone.

As I write, I worry that Tabitha’s beauty is lost upon her kind. While I previously considered the Snee! a nearly utopian bunch–as pragmatic as they are egalitarian–my interest in Tabitha has alerted me to the potential deficits of their social model. I can’t help but be reminded of that great, dystopian tale by Vonnegut, “Harrison Bergeron”, in which an exceptionally gifted couple is punished for distinguishing themselves from the utilitarian whole.

Tonight I am lost in reverie, entertaining amorous illusions. I see myself whisking Tabitha away to the world above, pirouetting up from these shadowed chambers so that her light might fully shine.

September 27, 2002

Romancing the Snee!

For primarily scientific purposes (although not without personal motivation), I have resolved to kiss Tabitha. Like Jane Goodall smooching her beloved chimps, I desire to know the Snee! more intimately through an interspecies display of affection.

Across human cultures, the act of kissing has evolved as a mysterious practice of shifting significance. In some realms, kisses are shared among both platonic and romantic companions. In others, all manner of lip play is exclusively reserved for a “special someone”.

Other mammals, like the chimp, have been observed kissing one another, but for reasons which may not be entirely analogous to the human tendency of kissing in the interests of affection and/or arousal.

I have never observed a kiss between Snee!. In fact, I have gone back and forth as to whether the Snee! even have mouths akin to mouths of other mammals, and I am entirely lost as to whether their “mouths” have lips. In my July 1 treatise on Snee! anatomy, I noted that the Snee! intake nutrients and excrete waste from the same orifice, which is located on the underside of their bodies, in between their legs and to the rear of their hidden sex organs, which retract into the body after use.

For reasons which should be obvious to the human species, I am hesitant to place my lips on the seemingly sensitive nether region which may or may not be Tabitha’s mouth. Though such a gesture might be deemed appropriate after she and I have gotten to know one another, it would be grossly uncouth as an initial display of attraction.

In the interest of caution and modesty, I have resolved to place an innocent peck on what we might think of as Tabitha’s “cheek”--the blank patch of fur between her gills and below the feelers that seem to serve the Snee! as both nose and eyes.

September 29, 2002

A Spark

On this fateful day, I mustered up the necessary courage to execute my kissing plan. I had resolved to make my move at the day’s end, when I could find Tabitha in her usual state of repose by the sea.

Lying prone, I approached her at a slow crawl with my lips puckered. Turning to behold me with her lush feelers, Tabitha held her ground unshakingly. Taking this as a greenlight, I increased my pace. Thrusting my elbows into the rocky shore, I shimmied forward victoriously, and landed a smooch on her fur.

The feel of her on my lips was transcendent, though I was scarcely able to enjoy the sensation for the tragedy that followed.

I struggle to find words to describe the cataclysm that transpired from mine and Tabitha’s “kiss”. When my lips locked onto her magenta hide, my beloved let out a piercing howl that echoed off the cavern walls and sent ripples across the nearby waters.

I myself howled in fear and for the apparent pain I had caused her, though I could not hear my own cry, for I had been rendered temporarily deaf by her mounting wail.

As I shrank away, Tabitha retreated from me immediately, taking flight from the shore back to the outer sprawl of the Snee! citadel. Leaping up to my feet, I followed her dumbly, reaching out in sympathy but maintaining my distance, given the apparent agony that my touch had inflicted upon her.

With absolute terror, I watched this most marvelous Snee! suffer a process of rapid deterioration. As Tabitha stumbled toward the citadel, where other Snee! were waiting in concern, her brilliant fur began to smoke and wilt, turning from gold-speckled magenta to an unremarkable gray. With each further step she took, the curves of her body began to crumble and collapse like the shell of an egg.

Upon reaching the other Snee! at the citadel's edge, Tabitha fell flat and still.

Her awaiting compatriots leapt forward to help her, but then instantly jumped back in fright.

As I arrived beside them, I saw that these Snee! had been instantly afflicted with whatever contagion had taken my dear Tabitha. They writhed and shrieked as their polychromatic coats began to smoke and molt away to grey.

No sooner had my hearing returned than my ears were ravaged again by the unholy howl of a mass extinction. As the death wails of the Snee! rattled inside my mind, my ears commenced to bleed, and I was forced to avert my gaze from the unfolding atrocity.

How they ran from me in terror. How they ran then perished in the streets of that gleaming civilization which they raised on a land beneath our own.

Weeping and writhing in my own private agony, I wondered what I might do to–

Oh! I cannot bear to continue! What evil hath I wrought!?

February 14, 2003

Postscript

I am home now, far from the havoc I wrecked on the darling, innocent Snee!. After a period of intense grief, I took flight from the archipelago and returned to Santa Cruz. I am now numb to the horrors I witnessed, and completely lost as to how or whether I might share the news.

Time, perhaps, will heal the wound and reveal how I might best proceed…

To whomever may one day read this, you may think me a cretin, a criminal. But if so I must ask you this: of what crime would you convict me? The crime of LOVE!?

Before jumping to conclusions, I merely ask that you remember your own infatuations, and how they might curb your more practical sensibilities.

For I do admit that love blinded my powers of scientific discernment. In the month's following the tragedy, I have searched for a link between Tabitha’s seeming pariah status and her role at the center of the Snee! mass extinction.

What I have so far hypothesized is that my ill-fated paramour served the colony as a kind of celibate queen, to whom all the others were biologically and perhaps even psychically linked. My kiss must have exposed Tabitha to foreign, fatal germs, which, by some mystery of Snee! epidemiology, spread like wildfire across the rest of the colony.

Alas, what use is such speculation now that the Snee! as I knew them are gone...

For now, I am glad to say that I have at least rescued my beloved from her watery tomb. With the aid of taxidermy and acrylic paints, I have revived her body to its original voluptuousness, and restored the brilliance of her sparkling magenta fur.

Thus preserved at rest and in the fullness of her beauty, I take my love to bed with me each night.