Fueling the Void

“Come on you piece of shit.” I cup my hands around the golf ball-sized flame as it flickers like a flashlight on the final juices of its battery. The tip of my nose loses sensation, and I envision all the blood in my face rushing to create harsh, crimson circles on my cheeks. If Vivi were here, she’d remind me of the time she put makeup on my face when I got blackout drunk on our first wedding anniversary. God, what I’ld give to see her dimpled smile right now…

Pop! The flame crackles in response, threatening to succumb to the icy winds at the top of our lonely, barren hill. For a moment, my heart jolts. Don’t die on me.

I look away from the fire briefly and blink away the white in my vision until the scene before me materializes. No matter how many times or how hard I blink, all I see is blackness (not darkness, because that would mean light still exists somewhere). I only know this hill has trees at the bottom of it because we pushed through them on the hike up. I only know nature surrounds us because we left the city to camp for a few days before the sun set for good. 

How much more could I see if even just the moon decided to show?

I blow on the flame until it spreads to the rest of the sticks around it. Like incense, embers light up orange for merely a few seconds before fading. Stubborn piece of shit. How damn hard is it for a fire to spread? Everything I learned about fire growing up is that it’s harder to put one out than it is to make one spread. Am I wrong? Hell, no one teaches you how to keep one lit when the world decides to be swallowed up in darkness for forty-four days and counting.

My knees and elbows ache from being crouched this way so long, but I adjust myself and pretend this is just another set of reps at the gym. No pain, no gain. Suck it up. This ain’t shit. I can only imagine how hard Jay has it right now. I can only imagine.

This morning--if we can even call it that--I woke to Jay rummaging around the tent, his brows creased in panic. He held the lantern in one hand and moved blankets, bags, and clothes around in the other. The glow on his face made the bags beneath his eyes darker than usual.

“I wrote you a note,” he said monotonously. It didn’t match the unsettled look in his eyes.

“The fuck?” I sat up on my elbows. “What time is it?”

He stopped. Chuckled. The chuckle turned into a full-blown laugh, maniacal and exaggerated. Then I started laughing, too. How did anyone know the time anymore? We kept laughing until the air felt more breathable. 

Then I knew why. That’s always what I said when we were kids and he’d wake me up for school. We rarely showed up on time.

“Ah, shit.” Jay straightened and sighed. “Here.” He dug in the pocket of his dirty, black sweatpants and pulled out a folded piece of paper. Handed it to me. “In case you were still sleeping by the time I left.”

I grabbed the slick paper from him and sat up. 

On one side was our hand-written map with red lines connecting thick, black dots--our landmarks--next to sloppy notes like, ‘five steps left, twenty steps straight, cross the river (only step on rocks with X), find tree w Jay’s white shoelace,’ and so on. I wrote these notes for us; this was the direction for more firewood whenever we ran out. 

I flipped the map over. In Jay’s handwriting was a giant note in black marker that read, ‘left to get more firewood. Please keep this one burning so I know where to go in case I get lost.’

I looked up at him. His brown hair now reached his chin, also grown out with facial hair, and he wouldn’t like me saying it, but he now looked ten years older than me instead of just two.

“There’s a storm coming.” That time, his voice sounded panicked. “Forty-four days ago, it was just cold. This time, I felt some rain when I started the fire. We’ve been low on firewood the past few days and…remember last time you went?”

I remembered. There weren’t any more branches to cut down. And all we had was a dull ax that’d take ages to cut through the thick stumps of the trees at the bottom of the hill.

“I’m gonna have to head further North this time,” Jay said, rummaging again. “I’m taking the lantern, but this shit ain’t gonna last more than a day. If there’s still nothing out there, I’ll head back within five hours. Five tops. Keep the fire lit so even if I get lost, I’ll be able to see it. Kay?”

I nodded. “Yeah, yeah I gotchu. Please be careful…we’re all we have.”

“I know,” he said sadly, setting the lantern down to slip into his army green coat. Once he zipped it, he stared at the lantern. “I used the rest of the wood so it stays burning a while. We should be fine.”

I looked at my gold watch, the brown leather worn and fading in a few spots. Nine o’clock. Morning, most likely. Five hours. We’d be fine.

He left with the lantern, and I braced myself for the cold.

I sat in front of the fire several paces from our tent and stared at my watch. I listened to the small ticking of the second hand and the crackling of the flames. Somewhere nearby, crickets chirped. The air felt cold, as it had been for forty-four days, but it was bearable. I imagined the sun going out was similar to the stove being turned off: heat still lingered for a while. I wondered how long we had before Earth froze over.

I wondered how long before I’d see my wife again. It was only supposed to be a three-day camping trip. How terrified was she? Was she dealing with this all alone?

I stopped my thoughts and stared at the fire. Time ticked.

That was this morning.

Now, here I am, still in front of the fire. Only…it’s not a massive campfire anymore; it’s shrunken down to the size of a light bulb. Nine hours have passed since I last saw Jay, and the storm he predicted has begun.

Cold winds lap at my cheeks and flakes have since begun falling. Is it snow? Or are these frozen raindrops from how cold the air’s become? The fire already took a massive hit earlier from the rain; I’m not sure how it’ll survive snow.

Jay still isn’t back.

Again, the fire crackles. 

Please keep this one burning... Well goddamnit, Jay, where are you? You said five hours.

I pull one hand away from the struggling flame to reach into my pocket. Carefully, I unfold it and straighten the paper on the ground. 

Each red line represents a path. Each dot, a landmark. Each piece of writing, a direction. He had his own copy to follow. But what if…what if something happened to him? That’s why we didn’t pitch our tent by the trees down there; we heard too many wild animals in the area. 

I look back at the dying flame. Maybe he can’t see it because it’s too small…but even then, I didn’t start shielding it until two hours ago. The fire still blazed bright and loud for a good six hours. Where the fuck is he?

“Jay!” I shout into the darkness. “Jay! Can you hear me?”

Nothing.

“Jay! Get your ass back here!”

Still…nothing.

A fire doesn’t burn that long, not in these conditions. Now, the panic I saw in his eyes this morning becomes the same panic that constricts my chest and makes the air harder to breathe. Or maybe it’s just the cold.

I look back at the map. Do I search for him? What if he’s down there somewhere, injured? Knowing him, he cut too much wood and is struggling to bring it back up. Maybe I should ditch the damn fire and find him.

But there’s no light. I won’t be able to see the map.

“Fuck!” I shout. “Jay!”

Nothing.

My watch ticks. For the first time since this whole thing started, I feel like crying, screaming, kicking the flame and yelling into the darkness. What the fuck is going on? How am I even still alive? No one’s here, I can’t see, my skin crawls at the thought of what might linger in the darkness, and I can’t keep this damn fire lit.

What if he did get lost? What if he’s looking for the fire? What if this fire is his only will to live? What would he want me to do?

I turn the map over. Jay’s handwriting comforts me, and I still hear his voice in those words.

We’re brothers. Even in our twenties, we still need each other. He’s always looked out for me; I need to have his back, too.

I finally straighten, removing my hands from the flame. Sharp winds scream in my ears, but I work quickly. I grab the map and tear it into pieces. One by one, I throw them into the fire. At first, nothing happens. But then…

Yes!

The fire spreads. Soon, it’s the size of a soccer ball.

I toss the remnants of the shredded map into the fire and hold my hands in front of it. Finally, it’s warm. The flames burn much brighter than before and for now, my breathing steadies. I wait.

“Jay?” I call. “You can stop fucking around. It’s been long enough.” The wind whistles and I shiver.

I hold my knees to my chest like a child and gaze out into the darkness. I can’t even see the flakes, but I feel them. They fall more heavily, more thickly. Soon, my thermal long-sleeve and coat won’t be enough to fight the cold. But I can’t return to the tent now. Jay needs me. All he asked is for me to keep this fire lit.

I continue scanning the darkness from left to right, straining my eyes in case I see his lantern, but it wouldn’t be lit by now. Not unless he figured out a way to keep it burning. 

When I finally focus back on the fire, my stomach drops. No. No, no, no, no. It’s…shrinking again. The few sticks remaining are damp and all the pieces of the map have since been swallowed by the flames. If it wasn’t for this goddamn storm. 

As if on cue, another sharp wind cuts through the darkness. Quickly, I resume my earlier position and block the fire from it. “Aw, come on! Jay!” I scream. “Jay!” 

I don’t need to look at my watch to know it’s been another hour. Ten hours now. What if I burned my coat? My watch? The tent? What the hell could I use to just keep this last sliver of hope alive?

Shit. 

I hear nothing but the wind now, feel nothing but snow on my face. Maybe this is where the Earth freezes over. 

Stop. It’s not over yet. I still have Vivi. She’s still waiting at home for me. She’s probably counting down the days, too. It’s only a matter of time before I make it home to her.

I just have to wait.

Another hour…another day…however long I need to. I won’t sleep until he’s back.

But Jay never comes back. And I burned the only thing that might lead me to him. 

The wind whistles, my body aches, and the fire continues to fade.