Simple sounds

(The second part or this story is a note and yes the bad grammar and spelling are intended to be included)

Silence has always disturbed me. When I was a kid falling asleep without white noise was impossible, but as I've aged I've found that there's no such thing as silence. You can always hear something around you. 

Even here at this empty home it's not silent. I can still hear you laughing at some silly show. I’ve been watching that show now that you’re gone, I won’t lie. I really don’t understand it ,but isn’t that why you tried to explain it to me? I still hear the sound of you running across the wood floor  and whenever I see dolphins I still call out to you though I know you won’t come running.

Don’t worry though I’ve left your door closed, I know that you don’t like me coming into your space. Your bookbag is still hanging on your chair. It’s pretty heavy. I don't know how you walked around with all that weight on your back. I wish you would have let me take some off of your back.

I still hear the phantom of your alarm going off at 5:30am. I still get up at 5:00am and start making breakfast for you. I know you won’t eat it still, it feels wrong if I don’t. The phone rings more often now, people trying to sympathize with you and me. Though the words they say are sweet they seem sour, but you like sour candy. I went out and bought some yesterday. I know you would have liked them. I probably won’t eat them though. 

I hear the sound of the front door opening at 3:00pm still, the faint sound of you running outside to dip your feet in the salty water. I made my own pool of salt water when you left it stung my chapped lips, you always told me to use lip balm but I don’t know what kind to get. It’s ok though I’ll ask your aunt whenever she calls.

When the sun goes down it's hard, I still hear the sounds from the night you left. The crying. The sound of you throwing up. The pounding of my heart. The sound of the floor groaning when I ran to you. The sound of the lady on the phone. The ambulance sirens. My begging that they help you. You saying “I’m sorry” over and over. The stillness of the air in that waiting room. My silent sobbing no longer being silent as the doctor walked in. The absence of the bus passing by our house really made me realize that it wasn't a nightmare.

I’m not mad though you don’t need to be sorry. You fought so hard. One long battle against yourself, you lost but you aren't weak. You are the strongest person I know. You taught me to love all the small joys. To appreciate the sound of the ocean waves crashing onto the sand, the seagulls outside you always tried to catch. The color of the sky and how the clouds move, swaying plants and the hot sand.

I’ll start reading those books you told me about last summer. I’m sure I’ll love them as much as you do. My one fear is that I’ll forget people because I'm old and my memories are not that good, but I know that I won't forget you. I’ve started hanging up more and more photos of you. I wish more people got to see that smile of yours. I'm glad I’m one of the few who did see your true smile. 

You left me with bittersweet memories, I just wish we could have made a few more.

***

I’m sorry Pops, I don’t know what else to say. Im taking my own life you’ve always been good nice and kind. But the world isnt. People say itll get better and I know it will! I just know I cant wait that long. Im tired Pa like really really tired. Not the kind of tired you can wash away with sleep, but the one that hangs on your back like a blood sucking tick. I could try and go to the docter to get the tick removed but its like i almost dont want to. I dont know ive gotten used to it, it seems scary not having it there. Im sorry im doing this to you but i cant hold on any longer. Im holding on to a ledge and my grip is failing so I have to let go. You could get a cat to fill some of the space that ill leave, maybe a dog. Sorry for all the times I yelled i just felt cornered you couldent have done anything to fix this so dont blame yourself please. I think im gonna miss your breakfasts and watching the sun rise. Ill miss sour candy too and the ocean, the sand, the water, the birds and stuff. You should go for walks more often if you can. Ill miss you the most Pa, im really sorry, ill always love you. You can move my stuff out of my room if you want. Sorry for the mess. You gave me all I could ask for really, im sorry i cant repay you. My phone password is 1943 the year you were born lol. My computer password is Pops1943 if you wanna go through my stuff. Its mostly just pics of the ocean, the sunset and you. Im sorry youll never get to see me graduate or get my diploma, or walk me down the isle. I feel bad for doing this to you but it seems like the only way out of this pit im in. I cant find a ladder or a way out. I know you would toss me down a rope if i told you but you need to take care of yourself. Don't be mad please, please. I'm sorry Pa. I love you so much and ill miss you lots. Ill promise ill see you again someday.