New Year Resolutions:
- I will no longer allow others to steal my happiness. It is my responsibility. No one else’s.
- When Jimmy calls, I will not answer. I don’t care how cute he looked in that bow tie at the New Year’s Eve party last night. I don’t care that my knees still buckled when he touched my lower back to walk around me. I don’t care that his aftershave is still embedded into my pillow and the smell of it makes me shiver. He broke my heart. He doesn’t deserve me. Besides, if he wanted me back he wouldn’t have been sucking face with Jessica just as the clock struck midnight. If he begs for me to come back, I will look him dead in those gorgeous baby blues and tell him no. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll tell him he doesn’t deserve me. And maybe I’ll even mean it.
- If Jessica tries to still be my friend, I will tell her to shove her friendship up her behind. She can’t just steal my boyfriend without consequences. I’m better than that. Or I will be. Yes, after I caught them fooling around in the copy room, I still went to her birthday party a few days later. But I had already bought all the decorations and the cake! I didn’t want to miss out. This year will be different. This year she can suck an egg.
- I will wake up earlier each morning. I know it’s been harder to drag myself out of bed these days. “Depression,” said the doctor. “Heartbreak,” said my mother. “I’m forking tired,” I rebuttal. But rolling out of bed five minutes before I have to leave isn’t cutting it anymore. Who will love us if we don’t first love ourselves? It’s no wonder Jimmy stopped loving me. I stopped taking care of myself. That’s going to change—starting with waking up at a decent time. 5 am! Or 6. Well, if I get up at 6:30 I could still fix myself up and grab a piece of toast on the way out the door. But no later than 6:45!
- Buy a new makeup kit. Maybe use YouTube to learn how to highlight and contour like Jessica does. I could ask her to teach me. But… no YouTube will be a fine teacher. Maybe I can use the gift card she gave me to visit Sephora. Does it count as being her friend if I use things she’s already given me? I wouldn’t want to waste it.
- Stop skipping breakfast and pack a lunch. When I skip breakfast or don’t pack food, I am more tempted to go out to lunch. The only people in the office I could go to lunch with are Jessica and Jimmy or worse—Bob. That never ends well. The two of them will sit there and try not to make their flirtations so obvious while they ask about my life. They’ll ask about what I’ve been doing with my time and how I’m feeling since the breakup. They’ll try to pretend they didn’t rip my heart out and force it through the office shredder. They’ll smile and laugh like everything is fine while I stuff my face to numb the pain and hate myself for it later. And Bob? Well, Bob smells weird.
- There is a new gym down the street from the office. I haven’t lifted weights since college when Jimmy’s uncle gave us all YMCA memberships for Christmas. Jimmy and I worked out together two times in the gym, went swimming once, and then were banned from ever entering the building again after a kid found us canoodling in the hot tub. Why was a child in the hot tub without a parent in the first place? Anyway, now is a good time as any to try again. This time more weights, less canoodling.
- Look for a new job. This one is going to be tough. I work in the only remaining paper-selling office in Boston. Apparently, everyone just buys their office supplies online now. Who knew? Amazon is ruining small businesses. Anyway. I’m sure there are other jobs I could apply for. I have to be good at something besides answering phones and going to meetings with old men who I suspect only buy from us because they like to watch Jessica’s boobs bounce while she gives presentations. Someone in this city needs someone like me, surely.
- Visit Mom and Dad at least once. Mom is going to ask about Jimmy. Every time we have visited she’s spent at least half of our visit telling us about how they were already married by our age. I know the story by heart. My parents met in a bookstore. Dad was the cashier and Mom was a timid nineteen-year-old looking to expand her universe through the world of storytelling but ended up leaving with a boyfriend and six months later they were married. She never understood why Jimmy and I could date for six years without tying the knot. “I want grandkids before I’m dead!” she’d say. Well, Mom now we aren’t together but at least we aren’t divorced either. So take that, social norms. I’m a twenty-five-year-old who was just dumped in favor of boob-bouncing Jessica. But at least I’m not divorced.
- Make more friends. I met Jessica on the first day on the job. Back when there were more workers in the office. Before the pandemic made people want to work from home and before the remaining businesses moved online for their needs to avoid any “unnecessary interactions”. I’ve never been particularly good with people and making friends has always been a challenge but Jessica was always nice to me. I let her take the reins and she was happy to do so. Maybe I should try to be in charge this time. I could find some poor, quiet sap like me who needs guidance. I wouldn’t steal her boyfriend. I would be a good friend. We could learn contouring together and sip our Earl Gray tea while we talked about how much we hate everyone else. Now the only problem is where can I find someone like that?
- Most importantly… I will find someone new to love. Someone who is kind and LOYAL and—
Oh. Jimmy is calling. I’ll finish writing these later.
“Hey! I missed you too.”