Heavenly Blend

The steaming coffee cup warmed my hand as I left the Heavenly Blend coffee shop on that chilly April morning. I was headed to the office, rounding the corner onto Milk St. when I saw her. But how? To say I was stunned wouldn’t even begin to describe what I felt. I stopped abruptly, dropping my coffee on the sidewalk. She can’t be! It’s not possible! She’s been dead for twenty-four years. I know. I watched her die.

“Hey Lee, it’s been a while!” Her voice brimming with the same enthusiasm it always had. “How have you been?” Glancing down at the coffee puddled around my feet, “You’re not getting clumsy in your old age, are you?”

I sputtered, stared, and garbled out “Dena?” She hadn’t aged. I’d know her anywhere.

“I’m late for a meeting. Give me a call and we can get together to catch up.” With a tilt of her head and mirth in her voice, “I’ll even spring for the coffee.” And she was gone, disappearing into the crowd on Exchange Street.

Unsteadily, I sat on the edge of one of the large concrete planters that dotted the curb along the street, dumbfounded and feeling a bit light-headed.

But how? We had just left Jimmy’s apartment where, in celebration of Dena’s twenty-first birthday, we’d smoked some primo weed and were on our way to the Brown Derby, a smoky blues dive on Main Street. I was driving my old Plymouth Valiant, Dena was my co-pilot, Jimmy was sprawled across the back seat. The road was shrouded in a fog so dense that I could barely see my hand if I held my arm out in front of me. Fog was a regular occurrence as the town was on the banks of the Connecticut River, with a canal that ran along Main Street and serviced the paper mill and tinsel factory.

The car was sputtering as we made our way north, passing the stores, Marconi’s diner, and the Realto movie theater on our left, the canal to our right. We were about two blocks away from the Derby, near the abandoned train station, when the high beams of a gigantic semi appeared through the fog and were hurtling toward us, head-on. I jerked the wheel to the right to avoid what seemed to be an inevitable crash, and the truck clipped the rear of the driver’s side of the car, spinning us into the junction behind the cab and around so as the trailer jackknifed it plowed into the back of the car sending us careening into the dilapidated train depot. The noise was horrifying, the screeching of metal, the shattering of glass, and the screams of terror. Then a deafening quiet.

I could hear Jimmy groaning from the backseat, but when I looked over, Dena was gone. The impact had torn her out of her seat, through the windshield, and slammed her fragile body head-first into the depot’s brick wall.

I walked slowly back to my office, distractedly trying to understand what I’d just seen and how I would explain it to Jimmy, who was now my partner in a small advertising firm.

As I stepped through the door I stopped abruptly, flustered, and not quite recognizing the office where I had spent most of my life for the past seventeen years. Annie, our immensely talented and versatile administrative assistant, looked up from her desk and with one glance at the paler that had replaced my usual face asked, “Are you okay?”

I shook my head with uncertainty. “Is Jimmy in yet? I need to talk with him.”

“He’s in the conference room with a new client. Said you should join them when you got here.”

“Okay.” But I went into the supply room first to get another cup of coffee and my bearings. Then I walked down the short hallway and stopped abruptly as I stepped into the conference room, dropping my second coffee in less than fifteen minutes.

“Wow! You seem to have a hard time holding on to your coffee this morning. Maybe you should think about switching to decaf.” Dena smiled playfully.

I stared at her, then looked at Jimmy. “Yeah, she called me this morning to set up a meeting for her online business.” He nodded and appeared to be thrilled to surprise me.

I shook my head, brow furrowed, and grabbed a couple of paper towels from the table in the corner, stooped down to clean up the spilled coffee and trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. It was like I’d stepped out of Heavenly Blend into an alternate reality.

Sitting across from Dena I stared at her as she smiled at me, clearly happy to see me. I glanced over at Jimmy whose round and reddish face was grinning as he tilted his nodding head toward me.

Looking back at Dena. “What the fuck is going on?” My hands were shaking slightly, my expression clearly showing how unsettled I felt.

Dena’s smile slowly faded. “What are you talking about? That’s a hell of a way to greet an old friend.” Then looking at Jimmy, pointing her left thumb at me, “Is he okay?”

But Dena was more than just any old friend. We’d been lovers and talked about moving in together a couple of hours before she died. Looking at Jimmy, “She’s dead! She can’t be here!”

Dena stiffened, “What the fuck are you talking about? I’m sitting right here!” Then she softened, reaching across the table she gently touched my hand, then held it. “What’s with you? Could I do this if I were dead?” I began to melt into her eyes, looking at me the way I remembered. The wildness of her shoulder length auburn hair. The clearness and sparkle of her green eyes, those beautiful eyes.

Pulling my hand back. “But your dead! I saw you die,” punctuating each word by punching the index finger of my left hand on the table.

Jimmy was no longer smiling, his expression conveyed shock, embarrassment, and concern. “Are you all right? Do you need to take a break?”

I got up, still shaking my head with disbelief and confusion, walked back to my office, sat down, and closed my eyes hoping that when I opened them all would be back to normal. She’s dead. But she just held my hand. I actually felt her. No, it’s a dream, it’s gotta be. Instead, after a few minutes, opening them only to fine Dena and Jimmy sitting in the chairs facing my desk. I looked down having no idea what to say to them. To her. God, I had loved her so much it hurt. Losing her had consumed my life.

“Why do you think I’m dead?”

Looking up at Dena with a what do you mean look on my face, “The accident.”

Then to Jimmy, “On Main Street.”

Then to both, “Twenty-four years ago.”

They looked at me, then at each other, genuinely surprised.

“What are you taking about?”

“Come on, Jim. Are you telling me you don’t remember the accident that broke your leg and killed Dena?”

“I broke my leg when a drunk driver hit me. There was an accident in front of the old train station that night and someone did die. But we weren’t in the accident and clearly Dena didn’t die.”

“No, no!” I recounted the story for them, so vivid in my mind. I had relived it over and over again every day for the last two decades.

They looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I was. But I knew I wasn’t.

Dena leaned forward with an expression I’d never seen. “Well, if I died in this accident you’re talking about, then you killed me.”

I looked her in the eye, with guilt and sadness, and said, “Yes, I did.”

“Holy shit,” said Jimmy. “You are crazy.” Then to Dena, rubbing his hand up and down his face, like he was trying to scrub something off, “Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?”

Dena shook her head slowly. Looking at me she said, “You called me that afternoon and invited me over for supper, you wanted to talk with me before we went out with Jim. I was so afraid that you were going to propose. You were so much more emotionally invested in our relationship than I was. Intensely devoted. Truthfully, it overwhelmed me sometimes. A little scary for me.”

We all sat there quietly for a minute. My mind was spinning.

“You asked me to move in with you over dinner. I said no, as gently as I could. I loved you, but not the way you loved me.” Chuckling a bit, “And the sex was really great.”

I looked up at her. “Yes, it was amazing.” I picked up a pen from my desk and twirled it in my fingers to occupy my hands, so they wouldn’t be shaking so much. “I have no memory of you saying no to me that night.”

“And I have no memory of any accident. I remember how awkward it felt between you and me when we were out with Jimmy and knew I had to get away. I texted you after you dropped me off and told you I was leaving for a while. I needed time to think. You repeatedly texted me back, each message more intense than the one before. I didn’t text you back. I left for Boston two days later, got a job and never looked back.”

Looking down, “I’m sorry for not telling you or reaching out before I left. I did love you, but I couldn't deal with you. I knew you wouldn’t handle it well. But I had no idea you’d go so far over the edge as to make up a story and kill me off.”

Feeling drained I looked at her and Jimmy, “I didn’t think I’d made it up. It’s been real for me.”

“Look, Dena, I will be happy for us to work with your company. I just need some time and space.”

Jimmy stood, “Take all the time you need. I can get us started with Dena’s account.” Then he took me aside and suggested, “Maybe you should schedule some time with that therapist you used to see. What’s her name? She seemed pretty helpful if I remember correctly.”

“Joan Lawler. Yeah her support helped me through some tough times.” Shaking my head with a slight smile, “What the fuck do I say to her that won’t make her think I should be committed?”

“I’m going to take a walk and get some coffee since I spilled my last two cups. You want a cup.”

“Yeah, that would be great.”

“I’ll get one for Dena, too.”

The fresh air and breeze off the harbor felt good and helped me clear my muddled head a little as I walked around a few blocks. But something still wasn’t right. I could feel it in my bones as I stepped into Heavenly Blend and ordered three coffees. They gave them to me on a cardboard tray.

I stopped as I left the store, looked around, half expecting another life altering surprise. Nothing. Just the normal Old Port hustle and bustle.

Entering our office, Jimmy was bent over Annie’s desk as they looked over some paperwork. Annie looked up, “You brought me a coffee. How sweet of you.”

“Actually, it’s for Dena. She’s still here isn’t she?”

They both stopped what they were doing and looked at me. “Who?” Jimmy asked.

“Dena. She brought us a new account this morning.”

Annie looked startled; Jimmy confused. “What are you talking about?”

He walked with me into my office. I gave him his coffee and he repeated, “What were you talking about.”

“Dena. You know, I ran into her this morning. It shocked me! Even more when I walked in here and there she was meeting with you in the conference room. That really knocked me for a loop. You know…”

“You mean because she’s dead. Yeah that would surprise me too.” Jimmy put his arm around my shoulder. “Okay, Lee. I’m officially concerned. Tell me what you’re talking about.”

“What do you mean. You were sitting right there,” pointing to the chair he sat in earlier, next to Dena in front of my desk.

Jimmy shook his head, leaning against the door frame. I described our earlier conversation with Dena. “You assured me that she was real. Hell, she held my hand! Now you’re saying I made that all up. What the fuck are you doing! Are you just fucking with me? If so, it’s not funny.”

“I’m not messing with you man. I’m worried about my friend. And this isn’t the first time.”

Annie appeared in the doorway, her face creased with fear and concern for me. “Are you okay?”

I smiled wryly and shrugged. “I guess this coffee is for you after all.”