Unspoken

The front door of Alden Crane’s home is a striking forest green with a brass handle and door knocker. Alden never cared much for the color, he thought it looked out of place amongst the baby blue paint of the rest of the house, but his wife, Lily, had a stronger opinion than him and ended up winning the day. Everytime he looked at the door he felt a small but persistent irritation, a physical reaction to the jarring color. But today was different. The door was even darker than usual, with the only light shining on it from the street lamps but instead of feeling his usual irritation, Alden felt a pang of sadness that cut through the numbness he had been experiencing since that afternoon. Suddenly the weight of what Alden was about to do came crashing down on him and provided him the determination he needed to do it. With a deep breath he closed his hand around the brass handle and opened the ugly green door.

When he entered, Lily looked up, surprised, from where she was sitting in the front room. “How was your trip. Are you okay? You look terrible.”  

“Lily, it’s over.” The words came out much harsher than he had meant them but he was thankful that his courage hadn’t failed him as he feared it would. 

“What’s over?” Lily asked, looking unbothered.  

“This. Us. I’m so sorry but I don’t- I don’t think I love you. At least not the way that I should. The way that you deserve.” 

Alden forced himself to look into his wife’s face. Tears were welling in her eyes but the look of betrayal that he was expecting was not there. In fact, she almost looked relieved. Like this was something she had been expecting for some time and was grateful to see that it hadn’t destroyed her like she was afraid it might. He packed a bag that night and went to a hotel down the block. He just couldn’t bear the thought of staying in the house with Lily any longer after what he had done. Everything that he thought he didn’t feel anymore, all of the feelings he had pushed so far inside him he didn’t think would ever escape, he had felt again.

****

Alden had been asked to take the trip by his mother. He had rather hated the idea of undertaking this mission but seeing as his mother was on her deathbed and this very well may be her last wish he conceded. His mother had been very vague, as she had always been throughout his life. Margaret Crane was the epitome of a hands-on parent. She thought, no she knew, that she alone could determine what was best for her three children. Alden always had a complicated relationship with his mother, more complicated than his siblings. 

His sister, the oldest of the three of them, had decided long ago that she was never going to speak to their mother again. This decision happened when Alden was about sixteen. He doesn’t know all the details but he suspected that his mother went too far in her pursuit for his sister’s greatness. Alden’s older brother also ended his relationship with Margaret but this happened when Alden was much too young to pick up on the reason for the fighting. In contrast to his sister, Alden’s brother remained in touch with Alden, checking in every now and again when major life events happened. Alden never asked his brother to explain his estrangement from their mother because he feared that it would shed light on all the dysfunctionalities of his own relationship with Margaret. 

Alden’s father died when he was young which was part of the reason he still put up with Margaret despite the many times she had tried to meddle in his life. He had already lost one parent and two siblings and he didn’t think he could bear to lose his mother too. For a long time Margaret was all Alden had and Alden was all Margaret had. Alden had called both his siblings to tell them about his mother’s condition and how much time she had left expecting them to come say goodbye. His brother sent back a vague excuse about not being able to get time off work and his sister never responded to his message. 

When Margaret told Alden she was ill he came at once. He had found her an assisted living community where she could live comfortably until the cancer made it impossible for her to do so. It was about six months later when his mother was hospitalized when the request came. She told him she was sorry but he wasn’t sure exactly which particular action she was sorry for. Before he could ask, she confessed that she wished she would have the opportunity to tell his older siblings how sorry she was for her treatment towards them but that she was realizing she would probably never get the opportunity to do so. He tried to protest, to say that he would find a way to force them to come but she assured him that she was not going to compel them to do anything they didn’t want to do and was prepared to live, or die rather, with her mistakes. She said that there was one mistake she wanted to remedy, hoping that it wouldn’t be too late, as a gift to Alden for standing by her despite everything that had happened. 

His mother gave him an envelope that he could tell contained many pages of something. She told him that her last wish was for him to deliver this letter personally. Before he could protest, she gave him the address and told him that he must do this, that this would be the last thing she ever asked him to do. He agreed and unfolded the address. He saw that it was in North Carolina and since he was currently in California that his would be a bit more complicated than he initially thought. He checked flights to North Carolina on his phone and saw that one was leaving in three hours so he booked a ticket and hopped in a cab to take him to the airport. While in the cab he booked a return flight for later that night. The quicker he could get this over with the better, he thought to himself. Almost as an afterthought he realized he should probably call Lily and tell her not to wait up for him. He told her he was going on a last minute business trip because the last thing he needed was for her to ask him questions about why he was running errands across the country for this mother. 

****

Alden and Lily had been married for three years. His mother had introduced them and was a huge influence in them being together. After dating for less than six months she insisted that they were perfect together and practically forced the family ring into his hands, willing him to propose. It was not that he didn’t love his wife but it was not the all encompassing love that he had envisioned for himself. No, it was definitely not that, that love was taken away from him years before. 

Her name was Julia Banks and he had bumped into her while getting groceries. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen with her long curly brown hair and big blue eyes. Alden knew that she was the one for him the minute he laid eyes on her. She must have felt it too because she agreed to go on a date with him the very same day. It all happened so fast but he didn’t care because he had never met someone that made him feel that way before. He was certain this was it but one day he stopped hearing from her. 

He went by her apartment when it had been a few days of radio silence and saw that the apartment was empty. No table, no television, no couch, no familiar smell of vanilla, nothing except a single box. A feeling of dread filled him as he walked over to the box. He looked inside and it was filled with all of his things that he had left there during their time together. On top of one of the hoodies there was a folded piece of paper with his name:

Alden,

I know. Please don’t contact me. Please don’t try to explain it. Please let me go. 

Julia

The feeling of dread was replaced by the feeling that someone had plunged his body into icy water and he would never be able to get out. What did she know? Where did she go? He spent weeks contacting her friends and family trying to track her down. Whatever it was must be a mistake. The initial shock was replaced by a feeling of determination to clear up whatever had happened. This determination was replaced by a rigid feeling of hopelessness as he coped with the fact that he would probably never see her again. Some nights anger crept in. Anger at who, he did not know, but it was anger all the same. And when one is filled with that much rage does it really matter who caused it? It will be unleashed at anyone, no matter how innocent they are in the matter. He found that his mother was receiving the majority of his anger. There was one night where he couldn’t push it down anymore and found himself bringing up every wrongdoing his mother had ever done. He knew he had hurt her when he told her it was her fault he didn’t have a relationship with his siblings anymore. He suspected this was why she had pushed so hard for him to date Lily.

He did notice that the only time he felt happy those days was when he was with Lily. In fact, he could almost forget about Julia when he was with her. Almost. Alden went from thinking about Julia every day to a few times a week to a few times a month until eventually it was like she was in a box pushed to a dusty corner of his mind where he could peep in whenever the urge struck him. But the urge rarely did and for that he was thankful. 

****

Alden had just settled into the bed in the hotel room and was ready to sleep but he found himself unable to shut his eyes. Everytime he did the image of the woman he loved most would float across his eyelids. But that was just it, the woman he loved most in the world was not Lily. He did not take much comfort in this, instead the thought left him feeling more guilty than he had ever felt in his life. He tried to go through the day in his head thinking desperately that if he could only make sense of what happened then he would be able to sleep. After he had delivered the letter he went back down the elevator, got into his rental car, and before he knew it he was in front of the forest green door in California telling Lily he didn’t love her. It was the right thing to do, he knew, but that didn’t make it any less horrible. And now Alden sat alone in a hotel room filled with that same feeling that he was just plunged into icy water. There it was again, the anger, but this time he knew exactly who the anger was for. He finally fell asleep and thoughts of the forest green door with its brass door handle and the smell of vanilla haunting his dreams.

****

Alden landed at the airport in North Carolina and decided that renting a car would be his best course of action to get to his destination and back as quickly as possible. He followed the GPS and ended up outside an apartment building in a nice area of town. He walked into the lobby of the building and saw the area where mail could be left for the tenants. There it was, the mailbox for apartment 10B. He was so tempted to just put the letter in the mailbox and leave but the knowledge that this was the last thing he would ever do for his mother kept nagging at the back of his mind. He knew his mother had intended for him to deliver this letter in person. Besides, he was slightly curious about who the recipient was supposed to be. This in combination with the fact that he had already flown across the country to deliver a letter caused him to get into the elevator and go to the tenth floor. 

He knew for whom the letter was intended as soon as he got off the elevator. He would know that curly brown hair anywhere. He inhaled so sharply that he nearly choked. It was Julia. After all these years, after trying to find her, after giving up on her, after marrying another woman, here she was. Please turn around he thought. Don’t make me say your name. She was fumbling with the key in her lock while trying to balance a large box and several grocery bags. 

“Can I help you?” Alden asked, before he could stop the words from escaping.  

Julia whipped around so fast he was sure he heard her neck crack. When she saw who had spoken she dropped the box she was carrying and several papers slid out onto the floor. Alden was shocked by the fact that she looked the same as the day that he last saw her. All of the feelings, everything they had together passed between them silently for what felt like forever. 

“What are you doing here? I didn’t want to see you” Julia said in an accusing tone.

“I- I have a letter for you. I didn’t know it was for you. I’m sorry” Alden didn’t know what exactly he was apologizing for but the look on Julia’s face made him feel like it was necessary. She walked over to him and ripped the letter out of his hand. As she did so, Alden caught a whiff of the perfume that she always used to wear. Vanilla. He was frozen and it seemed she was too, for a second. As suddenly as the moment came, it was over. Before he knew what was happening, before he could stop her, before he knew he wanted to stop, she had disappeared into her apartment. He didn’t know what to do. Julia clearly didn’t want to see him and Alden didn’t think he could bear seeing the look of sadness mixed with hatred on the face of the woman he loved most in the world.

****

First thing the next morning Alden went to the hospital to see his mother and ask her just how exactly this was supposed to be an apology. How exactly this was supposed to be a “gift.” When he got there he was shocked to see her hospital room empty. He went to the nurses station and asked where his mother had been moved.

“I’m so sorry. I thought they would have called you. She passed away last night. She left this for you” said the nurse with a look of genuine sorrow on her face. 

She handed him an envelope, the same as the one his mother had given him the day before. He noticed his hands were shaking as he opened it. 

Alden,

I have made many mistakes in my life but it is clear to me now that the biggest mistake I ever made was thinking that I knew what was best for you. I meant well but I can see now that I ripped away your one chance at being with the one you loved. I don’t think you’ll be able to forgive me and I don’t expect you to but I feel I owe you an explanation of what happened. I saw you and Julia together and I knew how you felt about her but I truly didn’t believe that she would make you happy. I paid someone to act as your wife and to tell Julia to leave you. I realized after I had done it that it was wrong. I see that you will never love Lily as much as you love Julia. I wrote Julia a letter explaining what I had done in hopes that she might give you another chance. I hope that when you saw her you realized what it is you have to do. I hope you will allow yourself to be happy.

Yours,

Mom 

He walked the long way out of the hospital because he wanted to pass through the outdoor garden. He wondered why he felt hollow, completely empty, rather than angry. Shouldn’t he be furious at his mother for what she had done? He couldn’t bring himself to be angry though, he finally knew the truth but it wasn’t enough. 

Alden was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he was surprised to look up and find that he had reached the garden. He saw a woman staring at a map telling visitors where the different wards of the hospital were right outside of the doors to the garden. He saw that characteristic brown curly hair and felt his stomach flop over. But that’s not possible he thought. Why would she come here?

“Julia?” he said cautiously.

She whipped around but this time her blue eyes were filled with a soft expression. He didn’t realize but tears were streaming down his cheeks. 

“She’s gone,” he said. 

Julia came over and embraced him, enveloped him in her warmth and comforting vanilla scent. And with that embrace, he knew that all of the unspoken hurt between them was erased.