If Only

“So, do you wanna play football?” my mom asked. My dad sat close by, waiting for my decision.

I quickly looked back and forth between them and then at the carpet. “Sure,” I said, the sound escaping from my mouth, even though I wasn’t sure if I wanted to play.

“You’ll play?”

“I said yes, didn’t I?” I snapped. I quickly walked up the stairs to my room and shut the door. I pulled the shade down and sulked in my bed, unhappy with the world.

From there, I signed up for the team. I went to tryouts and summer football camp; making the freshman A team and starting as quarterback. I didn’t realize this before high school, but being an athlete, and especially a “talented” athlete, makes life easier thanks to the status the sport gives. I noticed lots of people wanted to be friends with me; girls were attracted to me; and, in general, most people were just nicer to me. 

I had a beautiful girlfriend my freshman and sophomore year of high school. I was single my junior year of high school, but still hanging out with girls. Then in my senior year of high school I started dating another beautiful girl. I honestly believe without football, most people who “liked” me (girls and guys) wouldn't have paid any attention to me. Status is king.

After my freshman year of high school, I started as quarterback for the varsity team. During my sophomore year, we lost two games in the regular season and went to the state championship, but lost. My junior and senior year we won state; both seasons we were undefeated.

My grades in high school were average, but lucky for me, colleges seem to treat athletes differently. My guess is since athletes have the potential to pull in lots of money for the university–a business–we just have to maintain average grades. Of course, we can’t slack off and fail every class. But, in my opinion, having straight B’s as a great athlete is the equivalent of having straight A’s as a kid who doesn’t play any sports.

When high school ended, I chose to go play football at Brown. I had many offers from different universities around the country, but considering that I could be injured at any moment playing football, I went for the safe bet of an Ivy league.

When I went to Brown, I continued to get average grades in the classes I was taking. But this seemed to be okay because I was an athlete. A lot of adults say grades come first, but I don’t think any of them actually believe this. We all know money comes first, and money is found mostly in sports and connections.

I spent my time at Brown making friends and playing football. I started as quarterback my junior year. The team was good both my junior and senior year. My junior year we made the Bahamas Bowl and lost. My senior year we had an amazing team and made it to the Rose Bowl … as an Ivy League. We lost.

I got the attention of the NFL though. Recruiters liked me, but were cautious to bet on an Ivy League quarterback. I hadn’t played for any big football schools like Alabama or Ohio State. So, because of this, I was seen as untested against the best of the best; not having been able to prove myself.

Nevertheless, I declared for the draft. I went undrafted. Yet, after relentless tryouts and meetings with different teams, I was offered a position as third-string quarterback for the New York Giants. To be honest, I was very happy about this. I got to suit up in an NFL uniform for an actual game on live television; millions of people watching. 

Being a third-stringer was pretty dull though since I mostly sat around during the game. Throughout the week, if we didn’t have a game, I attended team meetings and ran drills with the third team practice squad. I wanted to be the starter, but the starter was the franchise quarterback; a household name and the face of the city. He had been with the team for seven years when I first arrived and was expected to be with the team for quite some time.

I know my life is easy. I make millions a year and I don’t do much. My job isn’t hard and people treat me like a king when they find out I play for the New York Giants. They all smile and laugh at my bad jokes. Beautiful girls approach me in-person (sometimes) and on Instagram (daily). When talking to them, they keep the conversation going, asking me lots of questions and laughing at all my jokes. I feel bad for the guys who aren’t “successful” like me. They must have to work so hard to attract a beautiful woman, whereas I don’t have to do anything.

My life is good. Money, fame, women, love from “the masses,” easy-work; all because I can throw a leather ball better than most. What a weird world we live in?

“So, do you wanna play football?” my mom asked. My dad sat close by, waiting for my decision.

I quickly looked back and forth between them and then at the carpet. “No.” I said, the sound escaping from my mouth, even though I wasn’t sure if I wanted to play.

“Okay,” my mom said, softly. “Are you sure?”

“I said no. And I mean it,” I snapped. I quickly walked up the stairs to my room and shut the door. I pulled the shade down and sulked in my bed, unhappy with the world.

From there, I spent the summer playing video games with my friends, not thinking of my future outside of dreaming of being wealthy and famous. 

When my freshman year of high school started, I approached it negatively. I got up, went to school, and went home. I didn’t do any extracurriculars because I wanted to spend the least amount of time possible there. I don’t know why I thought this way, I just did.

 Once I got my license, I continued to hangout with my friends, but now I had the freedom to go out without my parents knowing where I was. We still played video games together, but now we lifted at the gym, smoked pot, and drank together. 

I wasn’t productive in high school. Most of my time was spent relaxing or worrying about how to be cool and fit in. I watched a lot of YouTube and porn to relax, and I didn’t have a job or girlfriend.

I was a very average student. Mostly B’s, with C’s in math and A’s in history. I didn’t study a lot. Advanced classes were something that didn’t interest me. I just wanted to get the diploma as easily as possible and then get out of there. And this is exactly what I did.

I graduated from high school and went to an out-of-state, medium-sized four year university in the fall. I didn’t know at the time if college was the right move for me, but since the teachers told me to go to college, my parents told me to go to college, and this is what most of my friends were doing, I went. 

When I got to college, I found it hard to make friends. It was genuinely the most lonely point in my life. I found other students hard to approach. I noticed before and after class, people didn’t talk to each other. They just hid behind their smartphones. Most of the people I did talk to either still hungout with their high school friends, worked and studied all the time and didn’t hangout with anyone, or had to be drunk in order to meet new people.

While at college, I took some history classes and spent a lot of time alone in my dorm. After a year, I transferred back home to my local community college. I still didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life so I thought taking classes for less money was a good idea; looking back, it was. I got my first job as a landscaper and I began dating a girl. Both were over by the end of the year though. 

Once I completed my associates, I transferred to a new four year university. At this new university, I put my head down and studied all the time. I didn’t have any fun. It was an expensive university (they all are) and the last thing I wanted to do was fail a class and lose my parents thousands of dollars.

Looking back, I did not like my college experience. I thought it to be a waste of time and money. It was too expensive compared to the amount of stuff I learned. Reading books, surfing the internet, watching YouTube, and working taught me a lot more than college ever did. Some of my high school friends who didn’t go to college and instead went into the trades are making tons of money and have lots of savings. While the friends who chose the path of university, seem to be down hundreds of thousands of dollars and making the same average income most people make.

I guess college is called an investment for a reason: because investments means risk and they don’t always result in a net gain.

At the end of my degree in history, I still didn’t know what to do with my life. When I graduated, I was working at an alehouse chain restaurant full time. I’m still currently working there, not knowing what to do with my life.

Sometimes though, I think back to the decision I made a long time ago: not to play football. I wonder what my life would’ve looked like if I didn’t quit? How different it would be from this one. Maybe I’d be in the NFL now, making millions and vacationing across the globe with beautiful women. I guess I’ll never know though. If only I had said yes. If only ….