The best man ever

• I don’t know what's happening, just, please, come to the hospital.
• Ok, calm down. What did the doctors say?
• Nothing yet, I’m just waiting here, sitting on a wheelchair, wearing my concert clothes and walking my violin all over this hospital without understanding a word of what they are saying to me.
• Sarah, that's impossible, somebody there must speak some English.
• I swear to God, if they can they won’t speak it with me. I don’t understand a thing. They just tested me,I had to stand and close my eyes, and I was literally falling to the floor after half a second.
• That doesn’t mean you have anything.
• I’m on a neurology floor, does that mean something?
• You are just over reacting like always. Look, I just need to practice two hours , maybe three, you know I have this audition in a month and I have to be fit.
• Are you kidding me? I’m in the hospital...
• Let’s play it by ear. I’m sure this is your anxiety playing out again and you are going to be home even before I finish practicing. Let me know what happens. I’m going to leave my phone at home so I don’t get distracted; you know how worried I always get about you.It affects my practice and you don’t like to hear that it is “your fault”.
• Fine. Have a nice practice, we’ll talk later. Love you.
• Ok.

I can’t believe it, after only two months playing in the orchestra, achieving my dream to play in an orchestra, in Germany, I’m in a scary hospital alone, and it's Christmas day. Honestly, I know hospitals are scary but this looks like the beginning of a bad movie. I mean, what were the odds? I have never been sick. Ever. I can’t understand it. Ok, look at five things. The chair, a table, there’s a pen, I can see the nurse looking at me worried, why is she worried? No no, focus, let’s repeat the exercise, from the top. I see a needle, my violin, an x-ray machine and this is getting scary. Definitely this is not the moment. Let’s try counting backwards. Why does my mouth taste like blood? Is the anxiety, you are ok. 100, 78 , 86…

• Frau Colliere.
• Ja
• I hear you are not good in German, the same for my English. You sleep here tonight, ok? We think you have tumor in brain. Tomorrow we do tests. Everything ok, don’t get scared.
• What?
• Gute nacht. Everything ok, relax.

What? No...I’m sure I misunderstood. This morning I was sitting in the middle of the stage, playing “The Typewriter” with that clown, in front of all those children. One second later I can’t move my arms and legs. The whole orchestra is looking at me. The orchestra! They are going to kick me out! I have to call. My heart is going to explode. Should they check my heart? What am I going to do? If I call my mum she’s going to freak out, but I’m freaking out now, I need to calm down. I need to calm down.

• Hi, you've reached Joe Doe, please leave a message.
• You gotta be kidding me
• Hi, you've reach…
• No no, please, please help me.

Well at least the room is nice. I don’t have a lot of battery, better to get to sleep and tomorrow organise everything. Tomorrow they are going to check my brain for tumors. I can’t believe I’m saying those words. I’m not saying those words! I’m just thinking about them! Shouldn’t my boyfriend be here? I mean hospital equals boyfriend visiting. Even if it’s really far, but he’s just 40 minutes away… I can’t believe it.

• Hi, you've r…

I. Am. Overreacting. He’s right. If this were serious, he will for sure be here! C’mon is Joe, the best man ever. I’m sure I’m fine. Tomorrow he’ll come and speak in German with my doctors, and everything will be better. Everything will be ok. Everything IS ok.

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• Hi, you've reached Joe…
• I can’t belie…(Piiiii) Darling, I’m sorry. I’m sure you are sleeping but I didn’t have any news from you yesterday. I know you are focused on your audition and I don’t want to distract you but I... kind of need you here. They just told me it wasn’t a brain tumor but a stroke. Oh yes, I mean, yesterday they told me it was possible I had a brain tumor and I had to sleep here and I've been being tested since I woke up. Everybody is out of town and I need a charger and a change of clothes, please, it’s going to take just two hours from your practice. Let me know when you hear this. I hope you are having a nice practice! Love you and sorry again, I am really sorry.

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• Darling, they are sending me home with some medication. I asked them to write everything down just to be hundred percent sure. I can see that you read my whatsapps, please return my phone calls or...just say something. Sorry again to disturb your concentration, I’m just...scared. Ok...Love you! Bye.

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• Hi, you've reached…
• FUCKING ASSHOLE (Piiiii) Look, you piece of shit, this is Joanna. I’m back in town and I found out that Sarah in the hospital again, and alone. Alone again! Fucking doctors messed up her medications and she had an accidental overdose because some first year doctor wrote incorrectly the correct dose for her to take. Come here now, be with your girlfriend, I don’t care if your audition is in two weeks.

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• Darling, I’m so sorry for what Joanna said, I know the audition is important, you want to win it and you’ve been preparing yourself for so long. It’s ok, I understand. You don’t have to come.
• I knew you would understand, babe, you know as well as me that what comes first is the instrument and then the rest.
• Well…
• I had an amazing practice today, by the way, thanks for asking. I am going to send you some videos. I recorded my excerpts doing the whole spielt of going to the stage, trying to make myself nervous. Let me know what you think of them. Really, these last weeks my practice is getting better and better.
• So glad to hear…
• How was your day? Are you having fun with Joanna?
• I just had shower and back to bed. Because of the lumbar puncture I can barely feel my right leg, so it limits the possibility of doing…
• Darl, it’s almost my time to practice. I want to stop by the market and buy something nice to have for dinner, gotta keep an eye on what I eat, like a good athlete. Talk to you in a couple of days. This break from talking so I don’t have to be so worried about you is really working! Great idea!
• Idea..?
• Ok bye!

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• Good morning darling, I hope your audition went ok! I’m in the hospital again, medication made me lose about 20 kilos and apparently I have some damaged organs because I didn’t need that medication. I didn’t want to lie to you but you told me you needed to focus on your audition. Now is over,and I really need you, I need help. I can’t walk all the stairs to my apartment alone, I need to go to my parents’, I need a hug...Please, call me. I am really sorry for everything, and I tried to keep as much as I could from you. Trombone comes first, without a job we can’t have a comfortable life together, I understand all that, really. Just call me, please. God, I’m sorry I cried. Ok, love you! Love you so much, can’t wait to see you.

Sent at 23.43:

Sarah, I can’t deal with this anymore. You’ve been sick a long time and it’s too much for me to handle. You don’t know how much I have suffered because I couldn’t prepare the audition as good as I wanted. I invested so much time and energy in being worried about you! I can’t have all this bad energy around me, it’s too much drama always with you. When I heard your voice asking for a hug...I really can’t hug you in this condition. I think it is better to take a break.

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Dear Diary,

How are you? I’m so weird, why do I ask that? Ok, who is going to read this? It’s just for me. I know this is stupid, but I needed to leave this written somewhere so I’d never forget this feeling. I saw Joe today. He was inside a car. We made a long eye contact. I could clearly read in his eyes that he didn’t recognise me at first. I know I look like a shadow of myself, but if I'm being honest his face didn't feel familiar at all. Seeing his black eyes for made me realise that I hadn’t seen that man in four months! After five years together and the promise of getting married "only when one of us could win an audition". That was his condition. I don’t know why I agreed to that. SARAH, FOCUS! You are writing this to remember this amazing feeling. You have decided to walk away. You are free. You don’t need to win an audition to be happy. See how resilient you are? See how capable of taking care of yourself? You are free. Close your eyes and breathe, you are an eagle flying over a forest. Breathe. You have your life back. And all thanks to the worst four months of your life. Congratulations, you did it.