Dear V

10/12

Dear V,

How are you? Did you find happiness wherever you went? I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel weird to write this. I’m probably the last person you want to hear from, but I couldn’t help it. I miss talking to you. It sounds ridiculous, I know. We haven’t talked in so long.

I’ve wanted to send you something for a while now. Only I didn’t know what I could possibly say to you that wouldn’t end up with my letter unopened or in the trash. Not that I would know if you did either of those things. I hope you would read this letter. If not for me, then for the sake of your name and address on the envelope. Surely that would peak your interests enough to open it. We are all a little narcissistic in that way. Can’t help it comes to things about ourselves. I’m not saying you’re narcissistic –it’s just when we, as in people, see something about ourselves we can’t help but want to look at it. You know? I was in no way implying that you’re—

You know what, ignore those last few sentences. Nobody is narcissistic. You’re not. I’m not. No one is.

I don’t know where I am going with this. I just wanted to talk to you. I hope you write back.

-E

10/29

Dear V,

You didn’t write back. It’s ok. I didn’t except you to. I hoped you would, but I didn’t expect it. I deserve your silence. Perhaps it’s a lost cause to continue writing on with this letter. I don’t know what I am trying to get out of this. A response, yes, but what else? If you know, maybe you could tell me.

-E

11/03

Dear V,

I ran into your mom yesterday. We talked for a bit. She said you were doing well and that you finally decided to go to grad school. Congratulations! I know you were on the fence about it for the longest time. I am proud of you for deciding to go. You were too smart not to.

Your mom also said you’re planning a trip home. I won’t ask to see you for the sake of being painfully rejected, but if we happened to run into each other, it wouldn’t be the worst thing.

-E

11/09

Dear V,

Do you remember when we were kids and we’d run to the trampoline whenever the weather turned? We had packs ready to go by the back door with blankets and snacks. Thinking about it now, it was quite dangerous. Watching the storms clouds surrounded by tall metal poles. Someone should have stopped us. I’m glad they didn’t though.

Anyway, the point… I was driving home and a storm was rolling in. I saw a couple of kids jumping on a trampoline. It instantly took me back. Those were some of my best childhood memories. Along with helping you brush out your wind tangled hair. It was always so messy after the storm winds got to it.

It was so long ago, but it still feels so fresh.

-E

11/19

Dear V,

It should be clear to me by now that you won’t answer this letter. I haven’t given up hope that one day you will.

-E

 12/20

Dear V,

Merry almost Christmas. You’ll be headed home soon to visit your mom. I assume so at least. You might even be there already. Or maybe your mom is headed to you. I wouldn’t know either way. However, if you are coming home, I wanted to tell you there will be no chance of running into me. Not that you care. Just wanted to put it out there in case maybe you’ve been reading my letters and didn’t want to come home because you knew I was there and didn’t want to see me. I won’t be there so, you know, no need to worry about that.

Feel free to roam around downtown and visit the shops and participate in the parade and all that stuff we used to do. I hope you get everything you asked for.

I’ll write again soon.

-E

01/09

Dear V,

I know for sure that you won’t answer this. And yet here I am, the middle of the night, writing to you. It’s pathetic, is it not? Sending letters that will forever sit unanswered; probably even unread. I’m just using you as a diary at this point. A way for me to release everything I’m feeling. Sounds like me, doesn’t it? Using you again.

Sorry.

How was your Christmas? New Year?

-E

01/13

Dear V,

I’m going to be a father. I found out on Christmas. But before you hate me more for writing months’ worth of letters to you while I was with someone. I wasn’t. I’m not. It was a fling. I didn’t think… well, that’s just that, I didn’t think.

I wanted to tell you in my last letter, but I thought ‘she doesn’t want to read that.’ But then I thought ‘she probably doesn’t read any of it.’ So, there it is. I’m going to be a father. Her name is Madelyn. She put the ultrasound pictures in a box and had me open my “present” in front of her whole family. That’s where I went for Christmas if you hadn’t already guessed.

I’m not angry. I know it might seem that way. I’m not. It’s just that I always thought I would be doing this part of life with you. And since I’m not, I don’t know how to feel about any of it. Is that terribly awful of me?

-E

1/23

Dear V,

I wish you would answer.

-E

02/02

Dear V,

Valentines’ Day candy is out in the shops. It been out for a couple weeks, actually. You most likely knew that already. And you most likely bought yourself some the moment you saw it.

I keep picturing your car floor littered with mini boxes of heart shaped chocolates. Do you remember when I went to get my sweatshirt out of your car and you practically tackled me to the ground so that I wouldn’t see all those boxes? You were embarrassed about the whole thing, but to this day it is still one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

I bought myself a box today. I took one bite and spit it out. Cheap Valentines’ Day chocolate really is an acquired taste, as you always said.

-E

02/17

Dear V,

I like to think that you know its my birthday. Maybe you don’t quite know anymore, but it feels somewhat familiar. You know when a date just feels important? Not trying to say my birthday is important by any means. We’ve discussed this once. Long ago. You were saying how some date sounded like there was something going on you couldn’t remember. I like to think that’s what you’re thinking today. Like you looked at the calendar and saw that it was February 17^th and you’re wondering why the date rings a bell.

Of course, this is all a false sense of flattery for myself. Important dates fade with time and it’s been some time since we spent a February 17^th together.

-E

03/05

Dear V,

Meteor shower tonight. I’m headed out with some work friends to watch it on Crowe’s Hill. I’m pretty excited about it. I haven’t done anything like this in ages. There is supposed to be a lot of activity. They always say that though. I’ll see.

-E

03/22

Dear V,

It’s a girl.

-E

04/09

Dear V,

I don’t know what I’m doing. Why am I still writing to you? All I can think about it how I wish it was you. What is wrong with me?

Maybe I should stop.

-E

05/30

Dear V,

I made it almost 2 months without sending you a letter. What a record.

I had a lot to say when I sat down to write this but now, I can’t seem to form a thought in my head. So much has happened, and yet… silence.

Do you ever think back to that night it all went to hell? I keep wondering what would have happened if I handled it differently. Maybe it would have worked out for us. Or maybe we’d still be like this –me sending unanswered letters because I know you’re on the receiving end of them.

I guess we’ll never know, right?

She like the name Ella. I think I do too.

-E

06/08

Dear V,

I sold my apartment. I’m moving into a house. 2 bed 2 bath. It’s nice. I wanted a bigger space for when the baby arrives. I never realized how small it was until I started trying to make room for another human. I don’t know why I held onto it for so long. Of course, you told me to move out of there forever ago. I don’t know, maybe it was because it was the first place of my own. Had sentimental value to me. I move in a couple weeks. So now I’m spending every free moment I have packing up my things. My life is consumed by cardboard boxes.

-E

06/15

Dear V,

I went baby clothes shopping today. It was an experience. So many things to choose from. Apparently, you have to calculate how old the baby will be to correspondence with the seasons and then that’s the size of clothing you have to buy. I don’t think I explained that well. I picked out a lot of purple. I didn’t realize what I was doing at first. Once I did though, I tried to pick out any other color.

I am trying to forget. The continuation of these letters doesn’t plead my case very well, but I am trying.

Is it still your favorite color?

-E

06/29

Dear V,

Madelyn wants to try us out. I’ve thought about it. Before she even brought it up, I had thought about it. I don’t know… I think I could love her.

-E

07/15

Dear V,

I am officially moved into my new place. It took a while but everything is unpacked. I am severely lacking in the décor department though. I’m not good with decorating. I always had my mom for that, and then you. Now, I’m on my own. It will all work out though. Promise. I can’t promise it will be the prettiest thing in the world, but it will work out.

Speaking of my mom, I stopped by her grave the other day. Can you believe it? I didn’t intend on going there. Wasn’t even thinking about it, actually. I went out for a walk to clear my head and the next thing I knew I was standing by her tomb stone. I stared at it for a while in silence and then I just started talking. I gave her all the updates on my life. I was there a while.

Ella will be arriving soon. We’ve officially decided on that name. I’m a nervous wreck. Madelyn keeps telling me it will all be fine, but I’m freaking out. What if I’m not a good father? The due date is so close.

-E

08/06

Dear V,

She’s here! Ella Jane Bennett. 7 pounds and 8 ounces. 21 inches long. Funny. I never understood why parents announced weight and height with newborns, but I just did it too. Wasn’t even thinking. Maybe it comes with the territory.

It was a long labor. Madelyn is doing great. She did great. We’ve decided to give us a try. She’s going to be moving in to my place soon. And I think we will be happy.

I am going to end my letters here. To move on you have to let go. I think you said that to me once or twice. Writing you, I didn’t realize until now, it helped me move on. Now, I'll let go.

I wish you all the best.

p.s. see picture on back.

-Yours

E

8/15

Dear Everett,

Your daughter is beautiful. Congratulations. I know you’ll be happy and I’m glad you’ve met Madelyn. She seems like a lovely girl. All the best wishes to you and your family on your new journey in life!

And to answer your very first questions, I am doing well, and yes, I did find happiness.

p.s. see picture on back.

-Valerie