My dearest Brad

“Are you coming tonight?” Angela read aloud. A simple phrase that meant so much to her. She stared at the computer screen reading the sentence to herself for the fifth time, maybe it was more. In truth she lost count now as her eyes scanned the line over and over again. She felt the uneasiness course through her veins like cold water. Waves of apprehension rolled through her body making her shiver. Ice coursed through her her body.

“One, two, three nothing wrong with me” she says to herself, eyes closed tightly. The mantra she’d gotten from her therapist, a well known doctor who exclusively worked with patients with social disorders such as anxiety or people like Angela, introverts. Taking a deep breath slowly through her nose and exhaling through her mouth she opened her eyes slowly taking in the afternoon light that flowed through her green curtains that hung above her small computer desk. Her computer older, much like her. She was only forty, unmarried, no children...She shook her head trying to remove the thoughts that haunted her on sleepless nights.

Angela re-read the E-mail from Brad. They’d been communicating for almost a year now. “Eleven months to be exact”, she thought to herself smiling. They’d gotten close, even talking on the phone a few times. She blushed remembering a few times the conversations had gotten heated. She blushed deeper thinking of the private pictures they’d sent back and forth. She caught her reflection in the computer screen. Her blonde hair in a messy bun. Two dark shadows under worried blue eyes. From what family and friends said she was cute. But tall, handsome, wonderful Brad called her beautiful, and made her smile by telling her how much he loves her button nose.

She smiled before the coldness took over making her shiver. Closing her eyes once more she repeated the mantra “One, two, three nothing wrong with me” while her thin arms wrapped themselves around her. It was the only hug she’d had in a year.

Angela breathed slowly, opening her eyes. She slowly unwrapped her arms from the protective embrace, extending her arm, she let her fingers brushed the computers keyboard. She’d hit reply and backed out to re-read the E-mail. She’d done this at least twenty times now. Every time she did this her brain made her pause. Did she want to meet Brad? Absolutely she did, but every time she went to type “yes”, the cold feeling returned. She fought the feeling to hug herself again, trying to ward off the offending feelings.

Angela's’ therapist had recommended she go on the date, sighting that Angela had not been on a date for three years. She hadn’t left the house in two. Her therapist had even given her talking points for conversations to ease her anxiety and frustrations. Angela was now well equipped to handle her disorder, or so, one would think. Her therapist sure did.

She took another slow breath, the creeping coldness threatening to once again reduce her to tears. She wanted so badly to meet her charming, handsome, Brad. She forced her fingers to type;

‘My Dearest Brad’

Her fingers stopped. The coldness returning. The cool feeling surged from her fingertips making the hair along her slender arms stand on end. Her heart pumped furiously as her fear poured through her veins. She felt her stomach doing flip-flops, her legs trembled.

Her eyes welled up, ready to let forth a flood of tears. Try as she may her fingers would not punch in the desired letters; Y. E. S. She tried desperately to make her fingers work, to type the simple words. She felt tears stain her cheeks as she struggled through the glacial feelings. Dread crept over her body as she turned in her chair to look in the mirror. She closed her eyes thinking about the outfit in her closet. Angela thought about the outfit she wanted to wear, a blue dress cut into a modest v-neck. A cute pair of blue pumps and silver earrings that dangled. She’d even ordered a blue purse off of Amazon to go with the ensemble, that had arrived earlier that day.

She tried to remember the happiness of when she first received the E-mail asking to meet. Angela had replied “maybe” at first. She wanted to tell him how excited she was, how deeply she wanted to say “yes”. She even imagined how the date would go. They’d meet at the bus stop that ran from his block to hers. Angela imagined the bus ride together as the talked. The fancy restaurant he had promised to take her. The meal of lobster and steak for him. It would be perfect. She smiled to herself. Then the E-mail just hours ago “are you coming tonight?” had made her stomach lurched pushing bile to the back of her throat. Her whole body trembled as she struggled to push the three keys; Y. E. S. She cried, as she fought for the strength to push those three computer keys. Then repeating the mantra” One, two, three nothing wrong with me”. Again and again she repeated the phrase, breathing in, and out slowly fighting her cruel mind. Until finally her long narrow fingers moved.

Brad had gotten himself ready to meet Angela. He was certain she’d say yes. He rented a nice fancy, black suit to fit his thin frame, had shaved his black stubble beard and even parted it to the side. He smiled at his reflection, bright pearly whites smiling back. He heard his computer chime indicating he had received a new e-mail. Full of excitement he opened the laptop and upon finding the e-mail icon he almost desperately double clicked to read the new message. Brad adjusted the thin framed glasses on his narrow nose. His hand shook nervously as his eyes read over the text. Leaning in, getting closer to the computer screen he re-read the text, again, then again, then again. Each time he re-read it, his smile, his mood, slipped away as he read allowed

“My Dearest Brad, no”.