Sometimes i think i am jinxed or probably hoaxed! Where am i going to with this life of mine? How many more bridges do i have to burn? What lessons have i not learnt? Are heartbreaks now becoming my bosom buddy?
My heart couldn't evade nor ignore these questions everyday because the pain is deep; either i am falling apart or the least my mind does is play games with me telling me everything will b alright but this is the part i always go with because somewhere within i believe "life is hope and hope is life". I hate to love this as an erudition! I woke up this morning with an alert from one of my debtors and the bank had just alerted me that he had just paid, i felt so much alive because i had hoped he was going to pay back on time and i was broke.
Boring day as always been before my demons come kicking not wanting my productivity; just before i got excited over my plans of hooking up with a random lady by the beach, which i normally will end up not going after spending the rest of the day on my computer. I was about to light a cigar when i got the call from a known number, my oh my! i clearly recognize the number and this was my previous ex. Wow! 8 months since my last relationship and when i just decided to have a personal relationship with myself she comes calling! This got me in a trance and once again i started asking myself if i deserve the heartbreak or i should be happy for the lessons and just move on because the ship had failed to sail but "Hope is life and life is hope";
life is every where, it is in you now, life is the wind blowing sideways, life is the winter and summer, i love life and life is sad and lonely, life is blunt, life is a true friend and never lies, i am life and you are life, we are life therefore life is hope and hope is life...
How worse when reality picks at you; is this the universe putting things back in shape? or are the pastures no longer greener with whomever she left me for? I'm a thinker running on the same level of extroversion and introversion. I answered the call anyway ignoring every doubts that i had, it seem like it's programmed to be that way and i couldn't resist the sweet aura i get when i hear her soft and sweet nightingale voice.
hi, its me Rose and i wanted to check on you. How are you Kelvin?
As a very good liar, my response was very honest; i said i was fine and asked about her and it sounded like the touch of an angel, it felt like nirvana for a moment, i couldn't help but let out my feelings once again;
i still want to be yours like the stars are to the skies, like those tears are to your eyes, like air running along your lungs, i still want to be yours...
I asked her to give my proposal a thought as we ended the phone call. After the call, it felt so different and at this time, all my demons are already coming out, i froze for a bit and then looked around the studio room, i could see each of my demon smiling at me and then i smiled back. "Hope is life and life is hope" i said repeatedly in my mind as i started putting the odds together. I will give everything to make it right this time! good God, it's been so long i felt this ecstatic, my mind could see every image of her and her beautiful smile and this time i can't even see nor think of the naked body part. I find it hard explaining this euphoric feeling but it takes two to tangle, I'm not denying my guilt and responsibility as of the reasons the previous relationship had failed to sail nor will i be hiding my fear for that i would never feel the way i felt right now but i could not ignore how bad i had felt.
I decided to be patient enough until she returns my call after she said she would give my proposal a thought, whatever it is i have to be ready for the outcome of my introversion;
i know i am a very soft and kind person but i am removing my mask to show my face, i don't know if this is brave, sometimes i had to put it just over my lips as only on the lips it makes more sense, i have to remove this totally! My pillow knows me best because it catches all my tears, it knows the way my heart aches for all my fears...
Of course i never want to be put in that position again where i have to beg for attention from the woman i love nor do i have to be made to feel worthless and i have been responsible over the diminishing of my self values but these changes must be core and must begin to occur, so i have been working on myself for the previous eight months but this call has gotten me rolling for days. This is the third day after i had gotten the call from Rose, it's a Thursday, i had just finished my cup of espresso when her call came in,
damn! she's got my spot, just from the sound of her voice, she knows how best to turn me on and off because she was my North and South, East and West, my Monday to Sunday, my morning and midnight, my talk and song, but i was wrong that love would last forever...
Where do we go from here i asked her? i had expected to hear the best of her when she told me to get her any of the Iphones between an Iphone XR to the latest Iphone 13 before she could accept me back. I boldly asked if this was the requirement for getting back with her and she said yes. This will make you happy? she said yes. Well i wasn't happy with so we ended the call on a happy note after i promised her i was going to add it to my plan, after all i have been with her for over a year before the break up and i could tell this will make her happy.
God has a funny way of showing you lessons! Two days later i already bought her the phone and i called her that i was sorry that i couldn't afford the phone because i already had plans for my short film that i was already shooting but she shouldn't be bothered because it's still on my plans, i made sure i sounded like a joke but I spoke very softly in the Uber ride i had booked to her house to give her the phone.
I wanted to see her and we can talk about everything that had made us fail from our previous relationship, i really care for Rose and i don't mind but i have to understand if she had learnt a few from the previous ship that didn't make a sail. I thought of all the beautiful moments we had shared and how she makes me a better person, i wanted to tell her so much. I still love her, i did this prior to my policy but love is about sacrifices i said before i got on the Uber ride.
I want to make this right and if i get it right it's going to be a forever, i
however may get it wrong but i rather not blame myself for not trying for this will lead to my self despise forever.
The rain kept pouring heavily and it took me 15 minutes to arrive her destination, standing in the rain, i used the back route that will get me into her house using the backdoor, i knocked hurriedly on her window about asking her to please open the door and let me when i started hearing some very awkward sounds from pleasure. I could hear erotic moaning and groaning between her and another man. I stood in the rain as it poured wondering for a very long time.