CAUSE AND EFFECT

When someone close to you chooses to call you by a shortened name it sticks. I was known as Jug.  How do I look? Handsome, fair, of average height, with slim moustache, and a receding hairline. I had bought an old age home to live in retirement with my wife. That house was smaller than the spacious one we are accustomed to. I got busy trying to identify surplus items to be discarded. For instance I have that big wooden standalone cupboard containing my diaries which could be thrown out along with contents. Before that I opened it and saw the diaries stacked year wise.

I now recalled how in the year 1967 when I was 15 my dad had given me a large gilt-edged diary with a soft red covering. I took to writing in it on a day to day basis and the habit has persisted. I took out the diaries and quickly scanned them, ignoring dates and only noting significant entries:

1972: Got my degree in law with distinction. Got a citation with gold chain.

1973: Faced interview to join a law firm. Sheila, head of the firm, was 3 years elder to me and was a spinster. I saw she was short and rotund with her hair in a bun. She was fair and her gold rimmed glasses gave her a distinguished look. I was the only candidate and there were two members apart from Sheila. They were a retired commissioner of some revenue department and a retired judge. They grilled me and Sheila asked “If you were to become a judge and had to give a verdict of capital punishment would you do it?”

I answered “I’m personally against capital punishment but if I had to impose that verdict I would surely do it.”

I was accepted as a partner in Sheila’s firm.

Summary of happenings 1973-76: There were many cases and a variety of clients. I dealt with it all with Sheila’s guidance. She was sagacious. I found her to be incisive in gauging clients. I believed the  film star who sought a divorce citing cruelty by husband but Sheila didn’t. She said “The woman alleges her husband rapes her. I don’t believe her. We’ll lose the case if we handle it.”  The case was taken up by someone else and the star lost.

1999: I proposed to Sheila when she was very surprised. She said “I’m 3 years elder to you. I’ve crossed 50. Are you serious? I confirmed my desire to marry her. She wanted a few days to think. After a week she consented. We were married in a simple ceremony. We went on a honeymoon to a resort she chose.

2004: I was selected to be a judge of the high court. Sheila said she wasn’t interested in running the law firm without me. She closed it and became a home maker.

2004 – 2012: As judge I disposed of many cases singly as well as part of benches. My judgements were reputed to be correct and just. Sheila was behind the scene brain in my judgments. I respected her thinking and used her help in deciding how matters should be settled.

2012:  I retired. There was a farewell party and my services were lauded. I’ll quote what I’ve written in my diary: The advocate general in his speech said: “Socrates has said that 4 things belong to the judge: To hear courteously, to answer wisely, to consider soberly and to decide impartially. Judge Jug had all four. Besides it is said that judges like clergy must be less worldly. Judge Jug with his simple living was an example on this count also. In his retirement we are losing an eminent judge. He has set an example for others to follow.” I had entered in my diary how happy I was with the eulogy. I wrote “I wish I could continue in office but age is against me. I accept retirement.”

It is now 2015.  Sheila’s health has declined and we need help. I negotiated purchase of an old age home. Now I have the job of moving into the new premises. That is how I am scanning the old diaries to discard. What had been recorded therein are memories. Many are painful. I will be glad to consign the diaries to flames.

I have now to go beyond the diaries. In fact I am going back to the time before I started writing a diary. I had just turned 13 and was at school. That day I had wanted to buy some chocolate for which dad had given me the money. The shop selling chocolate was beyond the main highway which was a one way road. I left my bag containing books with my classmate and started out. I was dressed in school uniform which was a white shirt over khaki shorts. Growth of hair had started over my upper lip and dad used to say it would grow like a heap of grass! With cash in my hands I set off to buy chocolate. Reaching the highway I waited for traffic to pause before crossing. But suddenly all traffic stopped. I wondered if there was some accident which led to the traffic stop. I started to cross the six lane road when I noticed a woman in a knee length skirt crossing in the opposite direction with   basket on her head. It looked to me like she was transporting something heavy with her hands clutching the head load. The wind now started blowing wildly when I saw her skirt hoisted high enough to momentarily reveal what it was meant to conceal. The woman didn’t seem to be aware of the wind lapping against the exposed area and wasn’t apparently bothered. But it caused an instant visible kinetic reaction in me. I proceeded when I saw the security guard seated on a stool outside an office watching me. I assumed he had seen all that had happened and he whistled as I neared. I was filled with shame and the tumescence immediately subsided. I ran towards the chocolate shop avoiding the guard. However the experience had a permanent effect on me. What had been kinetic wouldn’t respond to any stimulus. I never told Sheila the reason for my being hors de combat in bed.  Our relationship in the beginning was only platonic. But she guessed it was something which could be reversed. Passion, intimacy and affection combined to repair the wrong and all was well between me and Sheila.

END