Dramatic ASF

Well, that was dramatic. Perhaps I should take you back to the buildup of the current situation. Precisely one hundred and twenty minutes ago when Tristan and Adley Griffin had their most contentious fight after being married only seventeen hours. You see… it all started on Wednesday afternoon, yes, these two married on a Tuesday but that is not the point. Tristan wanted to surprise Adley with some news, news that he was very excited about and thought she would be too but alas, she was not.

Tristan walked in the door, holding a medium-sized cardboard box with Christmas wrapping paper… in June. Now, I’m not one to judge but I could see as soon as Adley approached the threshold from the kitchen she did not seem impressed. Tristan looked happy to see his very new wife, he kissed her cheek and handed her the box to which she started impassively. It was as if Adley was waiting on some kind of explanation, the suspense was killing me waiting to find out what the problem was.

“Open it,” Tristan said eagerly. She let out a sigh, not the good kind though as she peeled off the very terrible wrapping. Inside was no better, nor was Adley’s face as she pulled out Christmas themed socks with her face all over them. Yes, it was bad, very bad. Bright red socks against Adley’s glorious blonde hair was not the gift she hoped from her husband.

“Isn’t it cool?” He asked. No, Tristan, it was not cool.

“You bought socks with my face on them?” Adley asked.

“No, I brought the business that makes them!” He said. Oh boy.

“I hope you’re kidding.”

“No babe, this is legit. It’s a real business.”

“Tristan goddam Griffin, you made me get married at Kentucky Fried Chicken for christ sake and yet you brought a business? You couldn’t even afford the potato and gravy! Who doesn’t have potato and gravy with their chicken?”

“It’s four dollars a tub babe, stop being selfish.”

At this point, I could literally see steam coming off of Adley. “We couldn’t afford a real wedding, but you can afford a business?”

“No, well yes, but that isn’t the only reason we got married at KFC. I love chicken, and it was their cheap Tuesday how could I say no to that?”

“We have eaten there every Tuesday for five years, we could have missed one week!”

“No!” Tristan gasped. I think Adley had crossed some invisible line made of processed chicken. “I have had KFC, every single Tuesday since I could chew food. You know how important that is to me.”

“If it’s so important to you then maybe you should have married the bloody chicken!”

“Maybe I should have.”

“I’m leaving!” Adley yelled.

“Good!”

As I was saying, things got a little… heated… and I’m not just talking about the chicken. Adley stormed off to the bedroom which was approximately eight long steps from the kitchen and began packing a bag while Tristan sat at the dining table staring at the socks with what appeared to be sadness. I personally had no idea what made Tristan so inclined to buy a business that plastered Adley’s face on socks but here the newlywed couple were exasperated, vexed and I was sure another hundred other synonyms could have been used but there weren’t enough hours in a year.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any weirder, they did indeed. Adley walked out with the bag I mentioned that she was packing, still storming through their home. She stood at the door, staring at Tristan with a look that could kill if they could kill. Tristan stood up and tried to reciprocate her glare but all he could manage was to look like an adorable puppy. “I’m going to stay at Bertha’s house,” Adley said. It seemed Tristan was a gasper since he let out yet another gasp but this time it was with horror rather than offence.

“You’re choosing a Bertha over me? She’s a fucking vegan.” He said absolutely mortified

“She wouldn’t have chosen chicken over me.”

“She hugs trees, Adley! Like literally hugs them and thanks them for their service.”

Okay, this is getting more bizarre by the second.

“So?”

“I’m losing my mind here babe. Bertha is weird and you’re mad over socks.”

“I’m actually mad about the potato and gravy. Goodbye.”

And so Adley got into her tiny little car and drove to Bertha’s house and for approximately fourteen minutes she stayed there. She drank her tea a little too quickly, staring at her phone, completely ignoring poor Bertha who was talking incessantly about trees. Perhaps Tristan wasn’t wrong about Bertha, but let’s not lose focus. After burning her mouth with the tea, two bathroom breaks and one hundred and eleven phone checks later—just kidding, she never put it down. Adley got back into her car and drove home to the man she loved.

When Adley walked through the door, she found Tristan sitting at the table where she left him. Staring at his phone the way she was, he was even drinking tea just as she was. The romance of it all had her heart throbbing, she stared at this handsome man whom she married only yesterday and decided their marriage wasn’t worth ending over potato and gravy. “Tristan,” she whispered. He looked up and saw the love of his - odd - life standing there so beautifully and walked over to her. They didn’t speak, for a long moment, they just gazed into each other’s eyes and lusted for one another. Eventually, Tristan found the words he wanted to say.

“Do you accept my socks?”

“Yes, I accept your socks. I’m sorry, baby.”

“I’m sorry too.”

“You are the sexiest, wildest most incredible woman I have ever met Adley. I love you.”

“And you, baby, are a spunk, a hunk the love in my junk.”

“You’re so sexy when you rhyme.” 

And that my friends, is an apology… that I never wish to receive. Adley and Tristan then locked themselves in each other’s arms and ate, I mean kissed, each other. Deeply, passionately and a little scary if I am being honest. They - literally - ran the full eight steps which equated to three runs to the bedroom and had even weirder sex than I thought possible. Their passionate three-minute love-making session had come to an exhaustive end as the happy couple laid with a lot of sweat on their bodies for a hundred and twenty-second sex session.

“That was… amazing, Tristan,” Adley said. Really? Because I feel like there is room for improvement.

“You were an animal baby,” he said with a wink. Well, he was not wrong, she was very animal-like. I believe at around forty seconds in, she made the noise an elephant does.

“I think that was your longest time yet. God, I’m so hungry after that workout.” Oh come on guys, you’re doing my job for me here. Really? This is terrible.

“Want to get KFC? I’ll even get you your potato and gravy.”

“Really? But it’s not Tuesday.”

“You’re worth the extra six bucks, baby.”

“How did I ever get so lucky? I love you so much, babe.”

I wasn’t sure if luck had anything to do with it or if these two were born on a whole other planet far, far away from earth. They drove together to KFC and sure enough, Adley got her potato and gravy. I watched, holding back vomit as they licked the chicken grease off of each other’s fingers instead of using the wet wipes provided. According to their Tuesday history over the last five years, they made out in the parking lot before going home as they had every other time. They made love again too, I think Adley even invented a new animal noise somewhere in there too. Anyway, like I said… that, was dramatic.

The End…