It's Time

“I love you so much,” he said, pulling me into a warm hug.

“I don’t know if I can get through this…”

“Yes, you can,” he said. As he was Looking into my eyes, I could see every ounce of his love for me.

Warmth flooded my body, and suddenly, I felt calm. Taking one deep breath as I exhaled, I relaxed all the muscles from the tension I’d carried in my neck and shoulders.

I leaned into his hug. He’d kept me sane and safe for almost forty years. Despite all of the chaos we’d gone through – raising children, building his career, managing the finances – I always knew I could count on him.

He would always be there. No matter what, I knew that was a fact I could bank on.

However, I wondered deep in my heart if anything or anyone could help me overcome this new dilemma. My daughter – one of the key people in my inner circle – was angry at me. She was so angry that during our recent visit to her home, she and I had a disagreement. I was so hurt I decided to leave.

I didn’t know if I was going to leave completely. We’d driven over sixteen hundred miles to visit, and we’d only been there for three days, but I wanted to get away. I wanted to avoid the hurt and pain I could inflict on everyone concerned if I allowed my temper to get away from me.

I needed time to cool down.

But when my daughter realized I was leaving, her anger flared. She sent her husband into the guest room where we were staying.

“You’re doing this over a silly thing. You’re making this all about you. If you leave, you can NEVER come back.”

I tried to explain myself. But he got into my face and said, “Over a little silly thing,” repeatedly.

He interjected those words every time I tried to talk.

I could feel my frustration choking my words. I felt my anger rising as it caused hot tears to stream down my face.

Without yelling, I grabbed my suitcase from the closet and piled my clothes inside. I felt like this was the only thing I could do. I was stifling the anger. I wouldn’t allow myself to start yelling and let anyone see the dark monster that lived deep down.

It was that monster who raised my kids. Every time I yelled; I scared the poor children. My daughter and son tolerated a mother who suffered from Bipolar and anxiety. It wasn’t until recently that a doctor found the right medications to balance the drastic mood swings.

My son-in-law didn’t realize that the ‘silly thing’ did not explain why I wanted to leave. He thought he knew the history, but there wasn’t any way that he could – our house was very chaotic when the kids were little.

And one more thing caused the continual tension between me and my daughter. My husband – the one person in the world I thought I could trust completely – molested my little girl.

It took years for it to come out. And when it did, I found out that he’d made her keep everything secret by telling her that if she told, I would probably commit suicide.

So, she kept his secret. And she blamed me for everything she went through. Not only the sexual abuse but everything negative that ever happened to her.

The pain of everything was smoothed over. I said I would leave my husband, but my daughter insisted we stay together. She didn’t want to be the cause of dividing our family. Time went by, and it was only on the most recent Mother’s Day that I believed we were really healed.

Her gifts to me were gorgeous and meaningful. But the gift that made my heart sing was a candle. On the metal tin were the words, ‘Hopefully, this smells better than the shit I put you through as a kid.’

I thought we were in a better place, but obviously we weren’t. And my heart is broken – not just over the last incident, but for the continuing battle that has existed between us since she was seventeen years old.

Once the truth came about the molestation, it felt like all bets were off. Since my daughter was no longer afraid of driving me to the brink and ending my life, it was open season on Mom. Every day her attitude was more hostile. With each remark she made, she took more and more aim at my heart.

She declared her independence by moving out of our home on the first day of her senior year of high school. She moved in with a friend and didn’t understand why I wouldn’t come after her. Frankly, I wanted her to see what it would feel like not to have the support of her mother.

Though she quickly learned about the cold, hard world, she simply moved into her grandparents’ house. I’m reasonably sure she went there for the hurt it would cause me. My mother-in-law was not my biggest fan, and it was a feather in the woman’s cap that my daughter chose to live with her.

Thank goodness her grades didn’t slip. When she found out at the end of the Winter Quarter that she had enough credits to graduate, she petitioned to graduate early. I wasn’t thrilled, but I felt confident she would still attend college.

She did not go to college and never put in a single application. Instead, she enlisted in the Air Force and left for Basic Training on Mother’s Day. The irony wasn’t lost on me. It was just a year since this whole thing began when the truth came out, and her departure was one way of finally escaping the tyranny she felt I imposed on her life.

Now, she has over twenty years in the Air Force. She built a beautiful career and cherished every moment that she didn’t have to live anywhere near me.

Maybe it really is time for a break. But my heart hurts for the things I will miss and the things I won’t be able to help with. But maybe it is time for me to understand that she doesn’t want my help now – nor did she ever before.