A better and stronger me within.

“Again!” I said out loud, “again!” Every time you do this. I told you today is the carnival but someone just came in and told you it wasn’t today and you believed her. Why can’t you just trust that you are right for once and listen to yourself? You had this date in your head all week and you’ve been waiting for it. Damn! I can’t believe you missed the carnival. The Ankara trouser with the Black English straight cut top I planned on wearing, with the multicolored button necklace my aunt bought from Zimbabwe and a Rolex watch. The amalgam of native and English wear. A perfect fit. I already tried the outfit on and it fitted perfectly well with the boot made of Ankara fabric and an English purse. Well, now I missed it. Looking at the attire the anger flushed back. And I recalled all those times I told myself something was right or wrong and I didn’t believe it’s like just seeing the future and still not being at an advantage. Weary eye from staring. Heavy eyelids. They shut and the past came to be.

 I just wasn’t meant to sleep past 8oclock in this life. My neighbors fight loudly on a daily. I sat on my bed for a minute with my hands rubbing into my eyes ”hmmm how satisfying”.  I should write it down, my plan for the day. “You know you are forgetful, you definitely will forget something Lucy” I heard the voice say, but as usual I just wrote them down in my head. Choose an outfit, pack your bag listing the things I needed to put in them, clean your shoe, don’t forget your purse “yes that’s “ I rolled my eyes upward checking if there was something I was forgetting. “Nope. That’s all”.  I always hated wearing the white gown mandated to us medical students, but now and then, just like today, I realize the gown saves me from having to choose what to wear. “Okay, time to go”. I picked my bag and walked to the door switching off the light on my way out. “Go with your umbrella”, it might rain, I stopped at the door and contemplated the idea, “Nah it won’t rain, the sun is up”.” It will rain and you will be stuck,” the inner voice said again. I went off anyways. Connected my air pod and played my favorite playlist. Busy traffic as usual. I closed my eyes a sec, it was good music and then I opened it the next second. The sky, it’s dark, the sun was hidden. I had a tad sound on the window, water, rain, “oh God”. The pour started quite rapidly and got people running up and down into shelters, no one had an umbrella, to say today wasn’t one of those days that it rained and yet it is raining. I got to my school gate with the rain still pouring, I got off.” Oh shit! It’s cold.” I put my bag over my head. Weeping dearly for my books inside. My clothes were wet, the cotton dress letting the water all in. I grunted, closed my eyes in regret, and just breathed out. I ran into my class from the bus stop with the rain still pouring, my body and bag drenched and water dripping from my hair. I was late for class. And I realized it was very hard to understand while wearing a wet open dress on a cold windy day. What a day.

One hour to, my eyes opened, “she won’t be in class until later, she’s going to be late. You can take a few more minutes to sleep”. My phone buzzed, “class starts by 9oclock prompt” I got up quickly, went through the sequence of activities rather rapidly, and did skip breakfast. I got there 10mins after the time “ she's not here” the voice said not surprised.” She will be here in a minute” I replied unsurely. An hour, almost two hours then she walked in. I did take that extra sleep, just not in my room.

Two days to my exam. My reminder rang “discussion class by 5”. A walk would be nice, the sun was down, it got dark quite easily these days. The breeze was cool. I decided to take the shortcut to my friend’s room for the class. With the music playing, I started walking. It was a bit lonely especially on weekends like this but I didn’t notice though. The banging music gave me shivers but then a cold rough hand on my skin gave a different shiver, a forceful swing turned me to an unfamiliar face. I tried to wiggle my hand free and the rough-looking guy made his dislike of that known with a resounding slap across my face. For a minute everything was blank and a strange calmness washed over me. What followed next was fear. He pointed a gun at me “I will shoot you if you do anything stupid”. I looked around there was no one close the only person I saw was too far and was just a boy. He couldn’t do anything, then I saw a man walking toward us, the armed guy saw him too and quickly pushed me toward a car, I staggered but still stood, then he pushed me again and someone from behind caught me and dragged me into a car. Two persons sat at my side with the gun still pointed at me and a driver drove off. “oh shit! Oh my God!.”

 We got to a house a sort of bungalow, the driver got down, opened the gate and drove in then closed it before they let me out. He shoved me into the house into what seemed like the kitchen. Dishes lying around and a knife on the table.  A knife. “Take it, Lucy take it”. All the while I was calm but now, my hands were shivering and cold, he must have felt the change cause he looked at me and said. if you try anything, I will shoot you. I kept my face away from the knife, he didn’t notice it, it was a small penknife. He shoved me forward, “move” he pushed me and I staggered in the direction of the table. “Take it the” voice said, I walked with my hand shivering even more and my heart beating fast. One more push and I stretched my hand to the knife and took it, but my trembling hands couldn’t hold on to the knife and it fell “oh no, I am going to die”. Quickly I tripped myself and fell picking the knife and shoving it into my joggers. I felt his coarse hands on my shoulder, “get up”.I got up and the knife slid down to my right lap, thankfully my joggers had an elastic band that held tight on my ankle so the knife didn’t fall off. He threw me into a room and I heard the lock turn. I rubbed my sweaty hands together, “my God! Okay relax” the inner voice said. I looked around, I saw a bottle of water and a bag “check the bag”. No, I said to myself, don’t do anything, someone will find you. “Just check the bag”. I ignored the voice and put my hand through my ankle into my joggers brought the knife out and held it to my waist with my pant strap.” I have the knife, when they come in, I will use It, it’s all I need”. “You might find something helpful in the bag a phone maybe, check it before they come back”. Realizing the voice was right I grabbed the bag, stared at the door for what seemed like a long time waiting for anything, but nothing. Quickly I opened the bag. 6 small vials I read the label “Lorazepam IV…Lorazepam, Lorazepam” I repeated trying to recall its use while stealing glances at the door. Sedative. I remember from my pharmacology class. I looked into the bag, needles, and syringes. “Oh, God! They are going to sedate me.” I started shivering, not just at the thought of being unconscious but also my phobia for needles, I started sweating profoundly. Okay.” Take the water using a syringe and needle empty the vial and fill it up with water”. “These people won’t tell the difference”.  The voice said. I heard a footstep approach the door and I saw feet from under the door, “they are coming, I should just break them”, I reached for them, almost smashing them on the floor, then the person moved away and I heard indistinct talking I couldn’t decipher. “Okay, extract and refill ”.I opened the bottled water kept it on the floor, opened a packet of needles and syringe extracted the drug from the first vial, held the bottled water in my hand trying to collect water using the syringe to replace the drug, I heard them stop talking and someone approaching the door, the water fell off shaky hands and spilled. Quickly I picked It, more than half of it gone already. “Relax Lu, deep breath, he walked past, I quickly drew a breath and continued, fast and more coordinated this time. The water didn’t get to the 6^th vial. “Throw it away,” my inner voice urged. The door opened immediately, I pushed the bag away quickly and bent my head, he looked at me then the bag, he went straight to the bag, and opened it, he seemed relieved, he probably has been looking for it. He picked it and left. This one was taller than the other two. He came back with the driver minutes later, he had a knife this time, “if you do anything stupid, I will cut your throat” he threatened. The driver had a needle and syringe with the drug in it. What if it was the 6^th vial? I stood up and started begging, moved back, I hit the wall, and yet I kept pushing back as if the wall could engulf me or a door open. The taller one had the knife, came at me fast, and held me, I kicked and fought. The driver injected the drug, holding my head hard against the wall. I fell when they let go. I didn’t feel different, they both were staring at me to notice any difference, then I knew I had to play weak, sedated. I couldn’t fight them both. I put my head on the floor, conjured a weak sound, they both smiled. The taller dropped his knife, carried me to a different room, dropped me on a bed,” I will let you when I am done with her” he told the driver. The driver left, it was just the two of us. “Get the knife out and hold it, he is going to turn around, that’s when you get the knife out”. I obeyed the voice, when he started turning, I moved my hand closer to my body, he saw my hand move, he stopped and stared at me, I made that weak sound again which assured him. He turned his back and started removing his pants. I took the knife and let my hand fall into the space between the bed and the wall. He lay on top of me, he smelled rather awful. Using one hand to remove my joggers and the other to support himself. “Use the knife now”. My inner voice was quite confident and strong. I just kept saying “ok, ok, ok” and taking a thousand deep breaths. He eased my joggers halfway to my knee, lowered himself between my thighs.  I mustered enough courage and buried my knee within his ball as hard as I could, he shouted in pain. I pushed him off me and started running toward the door while pulling my joggers up to my waist, almost there, he dragged me by my hair and pushed back against the table he left his pants on, the knife fell off my hand to the floor, the room was dim I could see barely, he held me in my neck while calling out to his friend, I struck hard as much as I could with my fist but he just held tight. He hit me across the face hard, my hands fell to my side out of pain and tiredness, then I felt it, the knife, I held it hard and plunged it into the hand he held against my throat hard, he screamed and let go then I stabbed and it cut his neck and I saw blood gush out. His friend ran in and saw him gasping for air, looked at me, and ran out. The one with the gun reappeared, the driver picked the needle and syringe and picked a vial, collecting the drug into it,

The armed one approach fast issuing loud threats to me. I lunged at him, he fell but got up rather quickly and grabbed me, wrapping his arm around my body. The dark one came closer with the drug in the syringe “that is the 6^th vial the voice said, don’t let him”. I didn’t contemplate how the voice knew I just used all my strength to fight. He held me tight and I used it to my advantage. I raised my leg and kicked hard and he fell so did the syringe. Then I used all my strength to push myself backward the one holding me behind hit the wall hard with his back and that loosened his grip then I dragged my head forward and with great strength backward, It got him right at the nose. He let go of me and pushed me away, brought out his gun, and pointed at me “I will shoot you If you move”, slowly I stepped back and back, “stop moving he commanded I will shoot he repeated angrily”. “Stop moving he is going to shoot,” the voice said, “he won’t” I replied, “there’s no bullet in there, he is bluffing”. “There is at least one bullet, stop moving”. I moved again, I felt something sharp pierce through my skin at my shoulder I staggered back and fell, blood gushed out, “I told you”, the voice said disappointed. I fell and something sharp cut me,  I grabbed the object to fling it away, a knife. I held it with my face to the ground and my hand hidden, He still armed turned me, I cut him across the eyes with the knife he staggered back and screamed hard, shot the gun out of pain. I got up with blood dripping down from my shoulder to my fingers to the floor, pushed him hard, and ran to the door, it was locked “shit, where is it the key”. “Check the window”. I did and there the key was. I opened and ran, it was dim but I kept running,” left,” the voice said and left I ran without a doubt though it seemed lonelier, I bumped out to a marketplace, a few persons were opening their shops, its early morning I noticed, two persons stared at me for a while and then started shouting and running toward, me. “You are safe,” the voice said then  I fell and my eyes closed.

I had my exam today, I missed the initial due to the incident. But my department decided I didn’t deserve an extra year because the world is unfair. “Answer A, it’s easier” I heard the inner voice suggest. “B seems straightforward easy, but A it is.” Knowing I had an intuition that sees and knows everything.