The Unimagined Life

Annie looked over at the two young women by the SK-II counter, about five metres away from her own Bobbi Brown one. They were probably in their late twenties, perhaps now looking for ways to slow down the inevitable changes that time brings with age. 

They were pretty, each in her own way. The taller one–Annie decided her name should be Suzy–has big, hooded eyes and high cheekbones. Annie noticed she had long dimples when she smiled. Her hair flowed down nearly to her waist, shiny and in big wavy curls. Her makeup looked very natural, every little detail–the eyeliner, the brown shades of eyeshadow, the pink blush–accentuating her already very pretty features. Her friend–this one has to be a Melissa–has bobbed hair, a round-ish face, mono-lidded eyes. Melissa’s makeup seemed a little more dramatic, with winged eyes and shades of pink on her lids. They both carried with them the air of self-confidence that only women in their late twenties and arrogant about their futures have.

The departmental store was quiet, as it usually were on Wednesday evenings. Weeknights were always Annie’s downtime. Suzy and Melissa must be colleagues working nearby, Annie thought. She turned to look at herself in the mirror on the counter. She studied her face. She studied the lines etched around her eyes now, and the thin ones beginning to form around her lips. She had once too, tried to prevent these lines from appearing and yet here they were now. She looked back at Suzy and Melissa. They seemed like they were still discussing which products to buy. Annie wanted to walk over there and tell them that buying those bottles was really only buying a slice of hope, that there will never be an antidote to ageing. She wanted to tell them that it doesn’t matter if their beauty fades away, but it’s more important that they find the love to fulfil their lives. The cliche is true: beauty fades, but true love is everlasting.

Annie remembered when she had possessed the same self-confidence that she was observing from Suzy and Melissa. Thirty-odd years ago, she was the one in their shoes, clicking away in her high heels, dressed in pencil skirts and blouses, grabbing the attention of the men around her.

Since she was a kid, Annie had always known that she was pretty–beautiful, even. In kindergarten, everyone wanted to be friends with her, as if just by being associated with Annie, they too, would become attractive. Annie held that power over them, doling out her friendship in pieces to a selected few and changing the selection every few weeks. This carried on in primary school, and eventually in secondary school. She was always like the queen bee, friends flocked to her and she relished the power she has over people this way. Things were a bit different in university; people didn’t need queen bees anymore but she still managed to find her own circle of friends.

Annie knew from a young age that her beauty and youth allowed her to get away with things. She learned all she had to do was smile, express remorse for any perceived wrongdoing that she has done, and people generally forgave her. This worked on her family too. Being the youngest, Annie was doted on and she nearly got everything she wanted.

When she was 23 and working her first job at a local fast-moving consumer goods company, she met Derrick. He was 27, and one of the promising sales executives at the company. At that point, she was going out with two other men but was taking her time in settling down. She felt neither was right for her, although they were nice. Derrick was different. He loved her, and she knew it. She knew her life would be on the right trajectory with Derrick and so she chose him.

Within a few years, they had gotten married and in just a couple more, Annie gave birth to two children, a boy and a girl. Annie continued to work in the same company while Derrick hustled and put in the hours at work, getting promotions every couple of years. They lived a comfortable life, never having to stretch the dollar to make ends meet. Vacations twice a year were almost mandatory, and Annie made sure to make at least one of the trips a long-haul one. The photos she got from those trips caused so much envy from her followers on social media.

Like most of her peers who were mothers, Annie sent their children for enrichment classes. Like most of her peers also, she loved sharing the children’s progress on social platforms. She was delighted that both her kids grew up to be physically attractive, and would constantly show them off. She pushed the two of them to excel, whether it was in the son’s martial arts school or the daughter’s ballet classes. Her weekly schedule was packed with sending the kids to classes, having dinner and drinks with some of her friends from work, and brunch with her circle of friends.

All this while Annie took care of herself too. While she never had the same drive as Derrick had to continuously climb up the corporate ladder, she did well enough to remain at the same job for a few more years. The income was enough for her to keep up appearances, buy expensive things, dress and eat well. Derrick never complained. He indulged and obliged her with everything that she wanted, never saying no to her. Her life at this point was the stuff of fairy tale dreams that most girls thought about when they go to sleep at night.

As with every crescendo, there must be a point where everything starts to quiet down. For Annie, it started when her children turned into teenagers. First, her daughter refused to go to any more ballet classes, which baffled Annie because she was doing so well. One evening in a screaming match between them, her daughter said that she wished for a different mother, one who would care more about her wellbeing than her achievements or her appearance. Then her son started spending more and more time away from home and with his friends. There was nothing Derrick did to help, as he had always let Annie make the decision on the kids and he was too busy working and travelling for business, and therefore the relationship Derrick had with the kids were weak. He loved them, that was obvious, but he never imposed upon them the same standards as their mother did. But he also did not want to contradict his wife, so he remained silent.

By this time, Annie had long since left her job, and was a stay-home mom. Derrick was earning enough to keep up their lifestyle, and she had never bothered with money. She was, then, finding that her days were becoming empty and lonely. Where there once were her children for her to fuss over, they were now absent. Her friends were too busy with their own lives to be always responsive to her. She hadn’t learned in life to reflect upon her actions and so it hadn’t occurred to her that she should have made more effort with her children and tried bridging the gap between them. She had spent too much time creating the illusion of their perfect lives and perfect kids to really understand who her children were. She didn’t know that her daughter really wanted to be a writer, and not a dancer. She didn’t know her daughter had been spending a lot of time in her room when she was home, creating with words whole new worlds she would know nothing about. She didn’t know her son really preferred playing basketball with his friends than going to the martial arts studio. She didn’t see how his mood changed every time she took him for classes at the studio.She didn’t know when they had become their own person. She spent her days shopping, buying things, keeping her beauty appointments, telling anyone and everyone who would listen about her troubles with her kids. In the evenings she would make Derrick take her out to dinner, and she would continue her tirade about her kids and the death of her dreams for them. She didn’t see that as the months went by, Derrick’s hair turned whiter, his face more drawn, and he muttered less encouraging words.

Then one afternoon, she received a phone call while she was getting her hair done. The caller had a strange accent, and it took her a moment to understand what had happened: her husband, who was then in Seoul on a business trip, had suffered an arrhythmic cardiac arrest and died. Sudden death syndrome, the Korean doctor said. She left the salon without finishing her hair treatment and without remembering how, got herself home and called the kids. She also called Derrick’s brother, Henry, and sought help in making arrangements for his body to be flown home. 

After the funeral, her world was different then on. Her kids, on the verge of becoming adults then, grew even more distant even though they still lived in the same house. She had no one to dine with, no one to keep her company and no one for her to vent her frustrations on. Only in his absence did she realise how much of Derrick she had not really known, how much the marriage had been about her while he had only played a supporting role in her life. She didn’t know and hadn’t asked if he was happy. She didn’t know if he had really enjoyed his work because he had never said anything about it, and she didn’t ask. Annie hadn’t even thought to ask. As long as their lives were intact, the money was coming in, she hadn’t thought about these things. 

She decided to find work because even though Derrick had left a sum of money, she needed something to occupy her time with. There were also practical things to think about, like the upkeep of the house and utility bills.

And so here she was now, working at a beauty counter in a departmental store, jealous and envious of Suzy and Melissa for having the same youth and exuberance she used to have so many years ago. Annie longed for those days, not only because those were the best days of her life, but also because she realised could have made better use of that time. She could have filled those days with more love, instead of making sure her life looked perfect. It was perfect, indeed, but she realised now that that perfection came with a price. She would have made sure she spent more time with Derrick, and she would have given their kids a different life. She would have let them choose the things they enjoyed doing. She had lost the chance to learn how to love when she had the time.

Annie realised now, looking at the perfect makeup on Suzy’s face, that beauty doesn’t stand the test of time. All the lines that she saw on her face now were evidence that in creating the idea of her perfect life, she had missed living the one that truly matters–the one of love.