Autumn Daydreams

It all started with this dream...fragmented and bare...whenever I tried to think directly of it, it would escape my mind, like a slippery eel. Only when I least expected it was I indulged in details, but even then they were glimpses, smudges of what I dreamt.  So far, I understood that the moon was unnaturally large, a pungent green color, and the dream consisted of this beautiful girl, who’s face I can’t remember...normally I don’t give a second thought to my dreams...yet whenever  I wake up I do so with a gnawing, uneasy feeling, as if whatever in this dream was something I shouldn’t have dreamt.

     I took a bite of the cold eggs. They were overly spiced. The pepper stung my mouth while the salt made it almost inedible. My mother met my gaze, expectant.  I offered her a small smile. 

    Today, I dreamt of that moon again, this time a smirking quarter moon, a swampy, effervescent green, yet the girl was instead replaced by the whistles of the  night breeze, the scent of strawberries and sugar flowing past me. 

    I swallowed another morsel of the eggs. 

    With a clutter, my mom abruptly got up, an eye on the clock. “Oh-oh...James, uh Jimmy, darling, I-I should get going…” She absentmindedly said, picking up her satchel. I nodded. “Don’t forget to take your vitamins!” She ordered. I nodded again,  and promptly took my green tablets. She gave them to me a couple of weeks ago, close to when the dreams came about. They make me feel woozy. I have to take them in the morning, and at night. They don’t taste very sweet.

    Once she left, I threw out the rest of the eggs; they have gotten too inedible at this point. I took a pear and munched on it on my walk to school. It was a nice yellow-green color with specks of black  and brown. It was sweet and juicy, too. I was still hungry, even after I finished the first. I pet the one in my pocket. If I ate it now, I wouldn’t have one on the way back. Despite this logic, I quickly consumed the second pear. 

    School wasn’t that far from my home. I knew people who had to walk from another town, yet regardless I felt miserable in the biting cold. I miss the cold in summer, yet hate the cold in winter, wishing for the sun. Fall and spring are just as bad. In fall, if I wear a coat I’ll be too hot. If I don’t I'll be too cold. Plus, I have to rake the leaves almost everyday. In spring, the flowers make me sneeze  and cough and my eyes water uncontrollably. My mom says I’m allergic, but what an embarrassing allergy! I’m allergic to flowers! I have to eat honey every day, twice, in spring, and I hate the sticky sweetness of honey. I never really liked it after I learned it was a bee’s vomit. My mom tried telling me it's not really vomit. 

                I don’t believe her; she said if I eat more than two chocolates per day a nasty fairy will give me bumps all over my skin when I’m older. I told this to my friend, Athena, the very next day and she said that was just acne, and everyone gets them. I hated her matter-of-factly tone, and I hated the feeling of shame and stupidity I experienced after. I eat three chocolates now. 

    Athena knew a lot of stuff about the human body. Her father is the owner of the only apothecary and nearest medical room to me. I walk with Athena there at least once a month, twice if I’m lucky, to collect the peach-colored medicine that my mom takes at least three times a day. The pills were capsule shaped, with one side a darker peach than the other. I tasted one. It doesn’t taste good and I felt bad for the rest of the day. I threw up. I told my mom I ate my school lunch without cleaning my hands.

    Right now, it was the end of fall. Most of the leaves have fallen, crumpled on the dirty ground, thin and brittle. They were bony, the golden flesh thin and papery as it stretched uncomfortably. I heard them pleasantly crunch under my foot. 

    I could see her already, Athena I mean, in the front school yard, talking amicably with her girl friends…one was this real annoying girl who took my pencil back in third grade and never gave it back. It was my favorite pencil.It was a nice blue with this elephant eraser topper. I saved up to buy that elephant. She said she lost it, but I swear I saw it in her bag last week.

    I didn’t really want to deal with her so early in the morning, so I went over to the swingset. They weren’t anything fancy, like the swings in the playground in that  park with all the ducks, just two wooden seats with cheap chains, and chipped off paint. Despite their crudeness, they were almost always filled and there was already a line. I didn’t want to stand in the line, especially with so little time left before we start class. I sat on a bench, real close to the swingset, and closed my eyes for a bit, the soggy autumn air the last thing I could remember thinking of.

    ~

I woke up, groggy. I sucked in another cool breath as I realized that I saw the girl...the one from that weird dream. She had orange lips. I swallowed. “Jesus, Jimmy.” Athena called out. She was standing over me, arms crossed firmly. “What?” I asked thickly.

I looked around. No one else was on the yard; the once filled swingset was bare,with only the wind to push the barren seats. “Ms. Rusch told me to get you,” She explained, “...I can’t believe you slept through the bells.” She then added, shaking her head in disbelief. I furrowed my brows confused. I didn’t even sleep for long, it’s hard to believe I fell unconscious so quickly. 

“Let’s go,” I stated, standing up and walking ahead of her. She caught up quickly. “Let’s eat lunch together?”  Athena asked. “Of course.” I nodded.

When we entered the class, everyone stared. Athena passed me to sit at a table near the window. “Mr. James,” Ms. Rusch began, sternly, “I will mark you tardy for today. If this occurs once more, I will give you detention. Do you understand?” I nodded and sat next to Athena. That wasn’t so bad.

“Now that everyone is here.” Ms. Rusch began, pointedly, “We have a transfer student, who will be part of this class for the remainder of the year. She will be joining us soon. Treat her kindly, and make her feel at home.” She concluded, before turning to the board to commence whatever lesson she wanted us to learn today. 

I’ll finish my nap.

 Maybe I’ll see that girl again.

~

“Jimmy,”  Athena hissed .“Jesus, Jimmy, this is the second time today you fell asleep. What’s wrong with you?” She didn’t mean that unkindly. Or...she could’ve, it's just that I was too tired to notice. I yawned. “Why’d you wake me up?” I asked her, rubbing my right eye. She gestured to the front. There was a girl, standing with a nice posture, and orange lips.

I tensed. Am I crazy? “What’s wrong with you?” Athena repeated, after studying my face. “Wha-what’s the transfer’s name?” I stammered. Jesus, my heart is pounding. “I don’t know, she didn’t say yet.” She replied, somewhat irritated. I swallowed. 

“Dear, tell us about yourself,” Ms. Rusch, said uncharacteristically kindly. The girl took a deep breath, opening her small mouth ever so slightly. “My name is Bianca.” She firmly said, in this beautifully accented voice. I’m not sure what region it comes from, though. I want to know. “I hope to become good friends with all of you.” I could’ve sworn she looked at me when she said that. “Jimmy, I swear to god, you look like an idiot. Stop staring like a perv.” She chastised. I stared at her, incredulously. “What’re you talking about?” I asked, furrowing my brows. She frowned and turned to face the window. I shook my head, somewhat annoyed by Athena’s words.

I heard my heart pulsing in my ear as the girl neared my desk, taking a seat in the empty desk in front me. She smelled like strawberries and sugar. I know it's crazy...but I am absolutely positive that’s the girl from my dream. I felt as if I needed to learn more about her…I couldn’t think much of anything else, if I am completely honest. Am I crazy? For thinking I saw someone and all? 

I wanted to tell this to Athena, but she was focused on the window. Regardless, I nudged Athena. She “hmphed” me.  “Athena,” I tried again. “What?” She snapped. “I think I know her.” “Who?” She demanded. “The-the new girl. Yeah, I think I dreamt of her.” “Jimmy, you’re a class A , loon.” She retorted. “With a capital ‘L’.”  “Jesus, Athena, what did I do?” I snapped. Athena didn’t bother to reply to me. I shook my head, far more annoyed, and counted the minutes until lunch to calm me down.

It was fifteen ‘til lunch when the new girl—Bianca—turned to face me, a bright smile on her face. 

“Hello.”

“H-Hey.”

“What is your name?”

“James. But-uh call me Jimmy.”

“Jimmy,” She repeated. My heart is going to explode, I swear. “May we have lunch together,Jimmy” She asked, ever so kindly. I loved it when she said my name like that. 

I nodded, dumbly. She smiled, and turned around again. I settled into my set, this nervous smile on my lips. I was beyond elated, until I turned to see Athena, who looked absolutely furious. Like her face was all red, and her mouth was all pursed, like-like a really white anus. Okay, that was crass. I’m sorry, Athena.  “What?” I asked her. Why is she acting so weird? “We have lunch together.” She hissed. “We can still eat lunch together,” I pointed out, “...it’s not an exclusive event, you know?” I added as a second thought. She fiercely inhaled, nostrils flaring before she sharply turned her head. I blinked, completely confused. Athena and I have been together for a long, long time, and she was never so inexplicably mad at me like this before. The last time she was mad at me was when I wouldn’t join her pretend tea party. It wasn’t because I thought it was girly, or anything, but rather because her stuffed elephant looks demonic. I swear. 

I ignored Athena’s frequent pointed glares, and tried to focus on the arithmetic lesson Ms. Rusch was trying to convey to us. She kept tapping her ruler on the chalkboard, yet I couldn’t focus. Bianca can’t be from my dreams...I mean, that’s crazy talk, right? I chewed my cheek. My mom used to say that she saw my dad in her dreams. I felt uneasy as I recall my mother’s  far-off gaze, her tendency to forget...her tendency to mistake her realities with her imagination. The doctor told me there’s a word for that. The way he said it...he made it seem like it was a bad thing. 

Then I remembered the pills my mom takes. Whenever she takes them, her eyes aren’t as foggy. Maybe if I take them again…

I’m older than when I first tried them. I think I can handle them now. I nodded to myself, for personal affirmation. After school I’ll go home and take a pill, maybe two, and see what happens.The worst thing that can happen would be that I throw up again.

After I finished formulating my plan, I spent the rest of the time daydreaming about lunch, playing out different scenarios in my head. Athena wasn’t in any of them. If she’s cross with me, I’ll just be cross with her.

~

I didn’t touch my plate of school-food. Athena told me frequently I scarfed down my food like some Neanderthal. I’m not really sure what she meant, and I didn’t want to ask her either. I don’t like her tone when she knows something I don’t. I drank my milk, though. “Are you not hungry, Jimmy?” Bianca asked, her lips curved upwards. They were such a soft, muted orange. Athena decided to eat lunch with her girl friends, and I didn’t want to deal with her, nor her annoying friend, so I took Bianca to eat outside. No one was out yet, either, so it was nice. “I had a large breakfast,” I confessed. “Ah, is that so?” She mused. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. I liked her smile. We talked about odd things, none of them confirmed nor disconfirmed my thoughts. Is discomfirmed a word? I’ll check the dictionary later. I ended up giving her my food, and we had finished quickly enough that the swings in the front yard were free. We sat on adjacent swings, until I gave mine up for this little kid. I wanted to look kind. No one asked to take Bianca’s swing, she was the new student, so she deserves this sort of privilege. 

I didn’t mind not swinging, Bianca’s ecstatically happy face was enough for me.

~

I raced home after the final bells rang. Athena and I didn’t even sit next to each other, after lunch, and I didn’t care. It was her fault, anyways. I’m not going to apologize. Plus, I was just being nice. I didn’t do anything wrong.

My mom never came home before me, so it was not a surprise when I came to an empty house. My mom puts her medicine in this small case in her room, but she always keeps it unlocked, so I never understood the point of it. I took two of the peach colored pills, washing them down with some tap water. 

I didn’t feel my mind going any clearer, in fact it felt more foggy. 

I furrowed my brows at this dilemma. 

I took another one to be safe.

It didn’t take long for me to feel...wobbly. I staggered to my room and laid down on my bed. God, was it always this soft? It’s like I’m sinking in it. I’ve never noticed how high up my ceiling was, either. I blinked. Everything felt clearer now. I smiled. 

Now that I think about it, of course I saw Bianca in my dreams. I would never forget her face. Plus, she smelled like strawberries and sugar, and I know I smelled that in my dreams. Tomorrow I’ll confront her about it. 

Before I slept that night, I took three more pills and kept them in my drawer. I’ll take them tomorrow morning. They’ve cleared everything up.

~

I didn’t dream that night, and I didn’t need to. I already know why I was dreaming. And finally, I know about who. I didn’t eat breakfast, instead I kissed my mother on the cheek before heading out. I took a pill dry on the way to school, and felt satisfied and content as I approached the gate. Athena was waiting for me, arms crossed. I rolled my eyes. “What?” I demanded. It felt wrong, acting so mad. I felt so calm, so happy. I giggled. “Jimmy, did you take anything?” Athena asked, suddenly worried. Her face looks so...weird like that. “No.” I firmly stated. Athena stared at me, and I had to hold in my laughter. “What do you want?” I asked her. She pulled out a newspaper. “Look.” She demanded. “This is where you’ve seen Bianca! Her father’s a diplomat from Jordan or-or Belgium or something.She was in the paper!” I looked at the grainy, black and white picture. No, that girl isn’t Bianca. Bianca has orange lips. Plus, her face isn’t all contorted and warped like that. No, Athena’s lying to me. “I know you’re just mad, Athena.That isn’t Bianca. I told you, I saw her in a dream.” I replied, pushing ahead. Athena grasped my arm. “Jimmy, you’re certifiably crazy. You’ve never seen her in a dream, just this newspaper. Why aren’t you listening to me?” She demanded. I pulled my arm back, feeling really mad. “Shut up!” I retorted. 

Her eyes began to gloss. “Jimmy, apologize to me right now.” She softly said. “Or what?” I inquired. God, she’s so dramatic. “Or-or-or, I’ll never talk to you again.” She stammered. I walked away and went to sit on the bench, waiting for Bianca.

~

I woke up, my mind stinging in pain. Everything that happened today and yesterday felt hazy. I furrowed my brows, both in confusion and pain.

 The yard was empty again. 

I stood up, only to find a newspaper falling down from my lap. I picked it up, and swallowed uncomfortably. Bianca Maes, that was her full name

. Why did I do that to Athena? I liked Bianca enough...but not enough to ruin what I had with Athena. Jesus. 

I entered the classroom, accepting the promised detention calmly, before I took my spot next to Athena. She glared at me before turning away. Bianca was talking amiably with Richard, this kid who picked his nose and then touched my paper. “Athena, please.” I whispered, shifting my seat closer to hers. “I-I was being stupid. I’m really sorry. Please forgive me.” I softly pleaded. She didn’t reply. “I’ll...I’ll buy you one of those fancy ice-cream cones. From that far away shop.” 

I saw her biting her lips, and I smiled in relief.

“I want a chocolate dipped cone. And-and three scoops.”