An Apology to Mankind, Two Days After First Contact

What follows is a transcript of an apology to the people of Earth, and specifically the residents of Silver Lake, Indiana. 

[BRACKETED] words indicate imprecise translation.  

Hello, people of Earth. This message is being translated into the language practiced by the humans who reside in the area designated Silver Lake, Indiana, using the Verpal Language Unscrambler 2. As my segment-mate Zolak is so fond of reminding me, our model is very outdated and overdue for replacement. Any translation errors that may occur are the result of this technical deficiency and are not intended to be an act of disrespect. I humbly apologize for any confusion that may arise as a result of my negligence in the upkeep of our private Dimensional Collapser Transport. Zolak has secured a promise from me that I will replace it when we return to [THE HIVE]. 

Let me begin by apologizing for everything that has unfolded in the days following our unplanned arrival on your world. I assure you this was quite accidental, owed in large part to two hundred rambunctious hatchlings who were [RAISING THE DICKENS] in the back of the ship. This proved quite a distraction to Zolak, who was navigating and who gave me the wrong directions. Zolak insists the directions were correct and that I missed my turn because I was the one not paying attention. We have agreed to disagree. Compromise is the [ADHESIVE BODILY FLUID] that keeps us together. We do hope you understand how deeply and truly sorry we are for causing such a cultural [HULABALOO].

Our misadventure no doubt caught all of you by surprise, as it did the [ASSIMILATION] Phages when we reported the incident to the proper authorities. As it turns out, your planet isn’t set for [ASSIMILATION] for another 250 years! Zolak joked that this is the first time we have been early for something. This is a joke at my expense as I am occasionally tardy to [HIVE] functions. 

Also, we want to assure you that your immediate military response upon our arrival was completely justified and certainly not an overreaction on your part. Protect what’s yours, that’s a law followed in all corners of the universe. Where we come from, when a [SKITTERING DEATH SWARM] arrives at your [HOME] unannounced, you do not give them a chance to [KILL AND CONSUME], you [KILL AND CONSUME] first. So fear not, we were in the wrong, not you. 

With this in mind, I would like to also apologize for the deployment of the Organic Liquidator Orbitals as a countermeasure. That was a step too far. When Zolak and I purchased the ship, I argued that the standard defense array was more than reasonable for casual space travel, but Zolak insisted we have the orbitals installed because of an [AUNT] who ended up in a [BAD PART OF TOWN] planet and was overtaken and consumed by highly evolved predatory fauna. I have had to hear this story over and over again, as if this one [AUNT] was more special than the others. Zolak has 200 [AUNTS]! Anyway, we [SPLURGED] and got the orbitals. And yes, I am forced to admit that they were highly effective, and mildly thrilling as well, especially for the brood. And no doubt a sight to behold for any of your species who were outside the liquidation zone. But I still think they were an extravagance and an overreaction on our part. As they say in the parlance of your people, “My bad”.

We would also like to apologize to the human residents of the Silver Lake area. We are so, so sorry that the timing of our arrival coincided with a number of events occurring in the city limits. Our species has a deep and profound respect for the individuality of the [UNASSIMILATED], and as such, we offer our apologies to these specific people who were affected by our arrival:

• The members of the local Civil War Re-enactment Community, Chapter 239. We are so sorry for not only disrupting your sacred religious violence simulation but also for the extensive damage caused by our ship’s defense response system. Our onboard AI misidentified your replica weapons as authentic, and all your shooting and screaming as aggression. The AI later indicated that 43 human war zealots were vaporized. Zolak and I will be sending personalized apologies to each of the genetic units whose humans were vaporized, once we return to the [HIVE]. We have left two vats of bio-paste to offset any food loss you would have to endure at not getting to consume their remains in the typical fashion. 
• The Silver Lake Fire Department, Women’s Auxiliary, Girl Scout Troop #782, the Silver Lake Chapter of the Rotary Club, the Starlight Junior Girls Dance Team, the Chippewa County Antique Car Club, and the countless humans who were in attendance at what the AI has determined is the “Fall Harvest Parade”. I did not take into account just how much heat is produced by our ship’s atmospheric retro-thrusters. In my search for a good place to land I lost track of how close to the ground we were flying. We are truly, deeply sorry for all the lives lost and the labor cost to rebuild. 
• To anyone who was impregnated by our [PRECIOUS] spawn, we apologize for any discomfort you may have experienced in the implantation process, as well as any lingering side effects. It has been a long enough trip that many of our brood reached adulthood and needed to secrete their pod glisteners before they started devouring their younger broodmates. The implantation process, while beautiful to us, has been described as [DEEPLY UNSETTLING] by other species we have encountered, depending on the physiology of the host. The good news is that the gestation period for an implanted [NEEDLE-TOOTHED STOMACH EXPLODER] larva is quite short! 
• Oh, and please, do not feel guilty about any offspring you may have slaughtered as they ran through your humble village [SOWING THEIR WILD OATS]. If there is one thing Zolak and I agree on, it’s that we have entirely too many mouths to feed. 
• We probably should say a few words on behalf of the lake itself. So sorry about that. Unfortunately, the Organic Liquid Orbitals produce an inordinate amount of radioactive runoff that needs to be dumped before it can be reignited. I suggested we wait until we were in the vacuum of space before jettisoning the waste but Zolak was rubbing its legs together quite vociferously at this point insisting that nobody would even care if we just dump and go. The bad news about your lake though is the water will not be [PALATABLE] again for another 3000 years, and organic life will likely never return. The good news is the green glow is a permanent feature that I think is quite pretty. 

We understand that we have probably set back relations between humankind and [THE INSATIABLE HORDE] before they’ve even had a chance to start, but I assure you, despite the carnage, we are a very [GREGARIOUS] and welcoming species. We do hope you can find a way to forgive us for our transgressions and understand that we never would have been here in the first place if not for Zolak’s insistence on being the navigator when they have time and again given us inaccurate directions leading to situations like this, where I am having to apologize to a species for ruining their lives.

I just wanted a nice [FAMILY VACATION]. Just me, Zolak, and 200 of our offspring, taking some time away from the endless toil of [FEEDING THE INSATIABLE QUEEN]. My [BROODFATHER] used to take us on trips to Troxon IV to watch the skinworms emerge from the sludge pools, back when I was of an age where I still hadn’t developed my pod glisteners. I don’t know how they did it back then. My brood was well over 400! Can you imagine the mess just in the Dimensional Collapser Transport? 

I’m rambling. Anyway, I wanted to take them somewhere amazing, like the Feces Pits of Roobe II. I wouldn’t have brought my brood to a [BACKWATER] planet like this under normal circumstances. You can’t be too careful where you go these days. But, had we ended up where I wanted to go, I don’t think we would be returning to [THE HIVE] so engorged with important life lessons. My brood have a newfound respect for how [PRE-ASSIMILATION] species like your own have managed to barely scrape by with such primitive means. Witnessing such futile determination has truly inspired them to be even more productive members of our worker society. 

My brood are not the only ones whose [GULLET STONES] are wearing away the edges of a newly learned truth. I realized that I have been trying to give my brood the same experience I had when I was their age. I thought if I could show them something amazing, maybe they would respect me as much as I respected my own [BROODFATHER]. But then, when I heard them cheering as our ship obliterated your pitiable attempts to defend yourselves, I realized that it isn’t the destination so much as it is the experience. How many of my kind can say they watched their [BROODFATHER] heroically fend off the assaults of a [PRE-ASSIMILATION] species? Nothing will replace those memories. 

You know, I really thought I [BLEW IT] with this trip. But maybe I didn't after all. Maybe it takes getting lost to truly find what we are all looking for. 

Oh, before we go, our onboard AI has determined that you are currently experiencing a [CALDERA POX] outbreak. As this is endemic to our planet, I have to imagine you contracted it from one of our pesky brood. Not to worry, the symptoms are very mild—your species should only experience headaches, nausea, dimensional blindness, and moderate to severe hemorrhaging. It's one of our more survivable [COMMON COLDS]. You'll be fine!

See you in 250 years!