DREAMING OF YOU: LETTERS TO MY SOLDIER

58 years ago, on the 19th of August was the worst day of my life. My best friend, my soulmate went missing in the jungles of Vietnam. In the years that followed, the war continued. Many more soldiers went missing. Many more families were destroyed like mine. I never gave up hope.

Eight years it took for my love to be found and to come home. During those eight years, I written a series of letters to Brian that I want to share with you. Bear with me because these letters will bring back so many memories for me and the tears.

The first letter I wrote to Brian was two weeks before he went missing.

Dear Brian

Hello my love. How are you doing today? I hope you are not getting bit by any bugs. I'm doing fine. I'm just missing you like crazy. I think about you all the time. I think about what you are doing right now. I think about if you are eating properly. I think about if you are drinking enough water. I think about if you are sleeping okay. I think about so many things when it comes to you Brian. Be safe in the jungle. Fight to come home to me. All my love

Julia

This was the first time me and Brian were separated. From the time me and Brian were little we were inseparable. Never would I have imagined a war would be the thing that separates us.

Since the start of the Vietnam War, I knew deep in my soul when Brian turned eighteen, he would enlist in the military. Both me and Brian were young when the war started but Brian always had that patriotic spirit. My father and Brian's father are World War 2 veterans. They met during the Battle of the Bulge. They became life-long friends.

I'm proud of Brian for serving his country. I'm proud that he's brave and strong but what came next shattered me. The next letter I wrote to Brian took place the day after I found out Brian went missing.

Dear Brian

Tears are falling down my face. I can't make them stop Brian. Why did this have to happen? I can't take the pain of not seeing you again. I need to see you. I need you to come home. I need you to make me smile, to make me laugh. I can't shake the thought of never seeing you again. If you are alive come home. Fight for me. If you are not alive Rest In Peace my love. We will meet again.

All my love

Julia

This letter hurt the most. One day after Brian went missing, I wrote this letter to comfort me. But nothing ever comforted me. I hoped and prayed every day, every night for Brian to come home. The next series of letters takes place in the eight years between 1965 and 1973.

Dear Brian

It's Christmas 1965. My first Christmas without you. Our families are together. My father and your father are talking about their glory days. It's funny to hear them arguing about who killed the most Nazis. Our mothers are in the kitchen cooking the best Christmas meal. Laura and Cindy are having the world's greatest tea party. Their smiles lift me out of the darkness I'm in. I can't go on with my life knowing you are suffering. My parents and your parents want me to live again but I can't. Your mother pretends to be happy. I know she's not. Her smile is as fake as the chocolate cake Mrs. B pretends to bake but we all know she buys. Your father is worse than your mother. He pretends to be the strong like the soldier he is, from time to time I see him crying. He barely talks to anyone expect my father. My parents are just like your parents. I can't talk to them. Writing to you gives me comfort and purpose. Where ever you are keep fighting. All my love

Julia

Dear Brian

It's 1966. The New Year was uneventful. Me, my parents and Laura spent the New Year at your parent's house. Laura and Cindy were excited to bring in the New Year. They wore pretty dresses. Laura and Cindy looked so beautiful. They do miss you but their kids. They love to play and hang out with their friends. War doesn't interest them. Laura and Cindy don't know what war is. That's the way our parents like it. The ball drop in Time Square was beautiful. I smiled for the first time in a long time. It wasn't the same without you. Nothing is anymore. Fight to come home. All my love

Julia

Dear Brian

Hello my love. Guess what today is? It's your birthday May 21st. You are one year older. I wish you were here to celebrate with me. I bought your favorite cake, chocolate. I wish I could have baked this cake but my mother tells me one too many times Julia your baking skills are terrible. You would laugh at me for attempting to bake. I would laugh at myself. I bought you gifts. Yes, I know I can't give them to you because you are not here. But I want you to be able to open the gifts I got you when you come home. Fight to come home Brian. All my love

Julia

Dear Brian

It's July 1966, time for our annual summer vacation to the lake. I'm excited to go. It won't be the same without you. We had great times at the lake. So many beautiful memories. My best memory is when we would go swimming at the lake and we would race. I know you always let me win. Catching fireflies, eating s'mores were the best because we were together. I miss you Brian. I miss the great times we had together. Fight to come home to me. All my love

Julia

Those memories bring tears to my eyes. Thinking and reading about the times me and Brian were apart hurts. Summer 1966 was the last letter I wrote to Brian. I went to college and focused on my studies. 1968 is a year I won't ever forget and the year I resumed writing my letters to Brian.

Dear Brian

Hello again my love. It's 1968 my first letter to you in almost two years. 1967 was a good year for me. I went to college met some new friends. I haven't forgot about you nor will I ever. I needed to focus on me and get my life together. Now I want to write to you to tell you all the things I've been doing. I'm studying to be a teacher. I'm excited. I can't wait to start teaching the kids. I learned to cook and bake. When you come home, I can cook and bake for you. My mom taught me. We had fun together. Your parents are still a welcome sight. The pain is still there for all of us. You not being here hurts us all. Fight to come home. All my love

Julia

Dear Brian

Hello my love. College life is crazy. So much homework, so much studying, it will be worth it when I get my degree. Everyday I watch the news and see protest about the war. Veterans coming home throwing away their medals. It scares me. What scars me the most is the protect are being held by college kids. They are talking bad about the military and those serving. I went to one of the protest with my friends Caroline and Dean. Caroline and Dean oppose the war. They hate the military. They make it known to everybody. They tell me stories about how they damage recruitment centers and even helped some draft dodgers escape to Canada. I didn't know how to read to this. There were so many people yelling and screaming, ranting and raving. Caroline and Dean jumped right into it. I didn't. I left. I couldn't take hearing all the insults. When I got home, I began to cry for you and both our fathers. I'm proud to come from a military family. I stopped hanging out with Caroline and Dean. I didn't agree with their views. I focused on my studies. Fight to come home. All my love

Julia

Fight to come is the last line I always write to Brian. I know he couldn't read the letters but those words gave me comfort. These letters gave me comfort and hope. Hope not just for me or my family or Brian's family but for Brian himself. Knowing I didn't forget about him and our families didn't forget about him.

I still continued to write letters to Brian throughout the last remaining two years of the 1960's and into the 70's. I told Brian everything. Laura and Cindy are blossoming into beautiful teenagers. Our fathers continued to talk about their glory days and our mothers continued to cook up a storm. As for me I got my teaching degree. I got a job teaching at the local school where I have worked for 30 years. Teaching the kids gave purpose and made me feel alive. The best news I received came in 1973.

The Vietnam War was reaching its end and news was going around that POWS were coming home. I prayed the news was correct. One evening I was watching the news, the reporter was talking about Vietnam POWs coming home. The next day I got my wish. Since Brian has been a POW for eight years, he was one of the first to come home. Deep in my heart I always knew Brian was alive. I never gave up hope.

I remember like it was yesterday the day Brian came home. The best day of my life. The moment I saw Brian I ran to him and gave him the world's greatest hug. I began to cry. Brian began to cry. I waited for this moment for eight years. I dreamed of this moment. I wasn't going to waste a single moment without Brian. Every special moment was going to count.

Every special moment did count. Me and Brian have been married almost forty years. We have three amazing kids and two grandchildren. Our life is full and happy. Vietnam still lingers in the back of our minds.

The letters I wrote to Brian, I kept with me so I can give them to Brian myself. I gave letters to Brian and told him "I wrote these letters to you so you can know I didn't forget about you. No one forgot about you." Every night since 1973, I see Brian reading them.

It makes me happy that my letters give Brian comfort and peace. That was my intention when I first began writing the letters all those years ago.