She was dead. She was bleeding on the ground, and I didn't know what to do. Her pretty, red blood coloring the white, shiny snow. The light of the moon light up her cold, inanimate body. For a moment I wished I never had met her. Then maybe, just maybe she shouldn't have been laying dead in her garden, under the beautiful willow tree, next to the snow-covered flowers.
But let's start from the beginning.
It was a starry night. I was the only one in the ski resort. I was going down the slope when I first saw you. You were standing in the bottom, without a ski, you were quite weird, alone, in a ski resort, without anything to slide down with. I was looking at you. I was slowly measuring all your body parts. Your curly, brown hair; your face, which was half-covered in a colorful scarf; your weird, rainbow pants... I slightly smiled at your look. You were cute. Then all of a sudden I crashed into something, and felled on my back. My head was hurting very bad, as I looked at the thing I just hit. It was a snowman, well rather an iceman. The guy was there since last week, I saw it multiple times, I took selfies with it aswell; and how the days went by it froze more and more, until it was as hard as a brick wall. The random girl came up to me, laughing. At first I got a little mad, but eventually I started laughing aswell. She pulled me up, with only one hand. She was stronger than I thought.
-Rain. - she said, and pulled down the scarf from her face, revealing her gorgeous smile. She smelled like fresh lavenders. I didn't understand what she meant by that, and as she saw my confusion, she corrected herself. - It's my name. Rain.
-Oh...I'm Gray. - I said, shaking hands with her. Her skin was as soft as I imagined.
-I'm just gonna call you Snowman, if that's okay. - she said, laughing.
-Haha, very funny. - I said and looked over to her face. She had little freckles and gray eyes. - Wow... Your eyes.
-Yes, I hate them, but they match my name at least. - She put her hand on my head, as I hissed. - Does it hurt this bad?
-N-no. - I didn't wanted to seem week.
-I'll take you home, it could be serious.
-Oka- Wait. I don't even know you... You could be, dangerous.
-I am. I am very very dangerous. But, who isn't?
We walked all the way to her house, talking. I could tell her things I never told anyone. She smelled like lavenders. I only knew her for half an hour, but she bring me so much comfort, it was like I knew her since I was born. She felt like home. We joked about a lot of things. She seemed like the happiest person ever. We walked besides a house that was very loud. I heard screaming, and breaking noises, and cut-off sentences. "I hate you, you are..." "...bit*h. I would rather..." I felt bad for the screaming people. Than Rain suddenly stopped. The smile from her face dropped, as she looked up on me. She was sad, but before saying anything, she forced a smile to her face.
-This is my house.
I looked at her in shock. She was drawing little circles with the tip of her shoe in the dirt. I wanted to ask a lot of things, but no words came out of my mouth. I hugged her.
-Wanna sleep at my house? - I asked and she looked at me in shock. I realized what I just said, and wanted to apologize, but she quickly nodded.
-If it's okay...
-It is, it is. I only live a few streets away. - I kindly smiled at her.
We went to my home and I made some tea for both of us as I sat down on my couch. I felt like I needed an explanation. So she started telling me about her life and it was awful. She was abused as a child by her father, who nowadays only comes home one or two times a week every time with a new woman. Her mother is not a very strong, independent woman, so she doesn't really care about how her husband is cheating on her in front of her eyes. She was telling me about how se started writing songs about her pain, but nothing went viral so she gave up.
-Can you sing for me? I have a guitar, but I don't really use it.
-Are you sure..? I'm not that good...
-Yes! I wanna hear it.
She started singing a song that I've never heard before. But I loved it. It was just....perfect. So at the end I asked her what the title was.
-It's called "Hello, Goodbye."
-By me. I told you I love writing songs.
-Oh my...I can't believe it. Who is this song about?
-Just my ex...She was abusive so I left her.
-I am so so- Wait. She?
-Yes. I am pansexual. I thought you knew.
-I didn't. - I said and I started feeling my heart warm up.
-What about you? What's your sexuality?
-Oh...I'm not sure. Maybe bi.
We talked for hours straight, sipping our tea, next to eachother, on the couch. I put on some movie, I don't even remember the title, cause when she was watching the tv I was watching her. She looked up on me and I could see my reflection in her eyes. It was the moment. I slowly went closer and gently kissed her. Her mouth was the taste of cherry lip gloss. I was so in love with her, I never wanted to leave that moment.
Months flew by like seconds, and by loving her I was the happiest. Until one day she stopped coming to our special spot. She didn't answer to the messages or phone calls. She told me whatever I do, I can't go to her house cause if her father finds out about me, I'm gonna be in much trouble. But I had no chance. It was almost 9 P.M. when I knocked on the door. A weak, fragile woman answered the door. Her eyes were red and puffy and all of her body was covered in reddish-blue marks. But she had a kind smile on her face. It was the same like Rains.
She invited me inside, and she sat me down at a table. It was like those serious talks that everyone hates, except I didn't even know who this woman was. Well I knew she was Rains mother, and that was all the information I had. I could see she tearing up, and that wasn't a good sign. She sat down and opened her mouth. I saw that she had so much to say, but she just said "I'm so so sorry..."
I couldn't believe my ears. My hand was shaking and I wished I could run away as far as I can. But my legs didn't let me. I went out to the garden and looked everywhere. Until I saw something under the snow-covered beautiful willow tree. I went closer as my heartbeat sped up. It was her. I looked at her face, it wasn't as beautiful as always. It was white and cold. I couldn't believe that I would never see that beautiful face ever again. My legs couldn't take it anymore, I felled on the ground and that's how I crawled closer to her inanimate body.
She was killed. Her mother told me everything. It was all my fault. Rain told her dead that she was in love with a girl and her dad was drunk again. So she beat her up. Until she was....dead.
I was holding her cold hand in my arms like it would help. I muffled a slow, silent "Goodbye, love...". And that's when I got the hit. In my head. I felled on the ground, and with my last sight I looked up at the person who hit me. A big, muscular man. He had an angry look on his face as he hit me again. He kept hitting me but I didn't feel anything after a time. I was holding her hand. For the last time. We were holding hands as my blood slowly colored the white snow.
I died. But I was with her.
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Powerful story with raw emotion. I felt a connection to the characters and invested in what happened. Good job. A few grammatical errors and maybe do some reading on showing versus telling. There are loads of resources online to learn more
Wow. This story emulates raw sadness and emotion. I love how as I read I could visualize each scene. You did a great job with capturing that. This was quite the read. Well done!
Tysm for your feedback. <3 :)
Your welcome! If you can would mind checking out my story? It’s called the brute in the mist
ok this is like really sad but also really good. I did notice a few grammar mistakes, so maybe look through and change those. Otherwise, nice job
hiii, thank you very much for the feedback, could you please name a few mistakes (english isn't my first language so it's hard for me to find it))
A few that I noticed In the beginning it says "felled on my back" that would actually be "fell on my back" later there was also "felled on the ground" which would be changed as well When it says "the guy was there since last week" could be corrected to "the guy had been there since last week" The "aswell"'s would actually be two words, "as well" "I could see she tearing up" would be "I could see her tearing up" "lavenders" would be lavender and I believe there was a "than" in there that would actually be "then" "Then" is used to show ti...
Oh oops one more - "The light of the moon light up her cold, inanimate body." would be "The light of the moon lit up her cold inanimate body." Great sentence by the way
Thank you, I'll take a quick look, also my first language is Hungarian. :DD