Wonder

*TW: Self harm, mental health, death.

“We devoured baked chicken breasts smothered in garlic butter with a side of roasted potatoes, steamed carrots, and mom’s famous homemade dinner rolls. She wanted to take me out to Red Lobster. I insisted we stay home, so we did just that. We stuffed our faces while the delicious scent of red velvet cake filled the whole house. It was five thirty-five right before we ate. I remember the time because that’s when I got to finger the sides of the bowl. Red cake batter colored my lips as dad chuckled and mom let out a small sigh. She hated it when I did that, but daddy didn’t mind at all.”

I rubbed my eyes fidgeting on the sofa trying to get comfortable. As if that were easy. The curtains were open today. Tiny grains of dust appeared in the sunlight that shone through the window.

“Very good, Emily. Tell me what happened after you ate dinner?” Kathy sat across from me in a burgundy faux leather chair.

Her ruby red hair sat loosely on top of her shoulders. Bracelets covered both arms as they jingled when she’d move her hands. Her hot pink lipstick made her teeth appear as white as the Denver snow. She had such a soothing voice. It was the kind that reminded me of my grandma’s voice–as sweet as a songbird. Grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease a few years back, so daddy sent her across the country to a home for people who can’t take care of themselves anymore. I sure do miss her sweet hugs, they always smelled of peppermint and vanilla.

“I was helping mom clear the dinner food from the dining room when the timer went off for my cake. Daddy swayed in singing happy birthday to me. He ended it with one of those silly lines, ‘You smell like a monkey and you look like one too.’ I smiled from ear to ear as mom chimed in, her smile almost bigger than mine.” My lips trembled as my eyes welled with tears.

Kathy leaned over the glass stained coffee table that sat between us and yanked up a couple pieces of Kleenex as she reached her hand out to mine.

“Emily, it’s okay honey. I know this is tough, but you’re doing really great sweetie. Go on.” The leather squealed from beneath her as she leaned back into the chair.

My hands quaked as I let out a honk and blew my nose into the soft tissue. My face flushed as my body temperature heightened. My heart pounded like a hammer in my chest. I was certain it would bludgeon its way through my chest cavity.

“Daddy strategically placed fourteen baby blue candles in a circle on my cake. He was goofy like that, always doing random things to get me to laugh. He used to say it got harder and harder to make me laugh. I wasn’t little anymore, so his corny dad jokes weren’t as funny as they used to be like when I was eight. Wax dripped down the candles as I pulled my hair back. I tried to blow them out, but they flickered and went dark as soon as the door–.” I sniffed as I wiped my nose with the sleeve of my hoodie. I lowered my head into my hands and let out a whimper.

Kathy’s black pumps tapped against the hardwood floor as she made her way over to the sofa. She plopped down beside me and cradled my shoulders, “I know Emily, I know. Just a little bit longer and we’ll be finished for today, alright?”

I wiped the tears from my eyes and tried to speak but I couldn’t catch my breath, “Th-th-the door sl-sl-slammed down really hard on the fl-fl-floor and we jumped in f-fear. Mom pushed me d-d-down to the floor and told me to hide un-under the table.”

“What happened next Emily? Did you see what happened?” Kathy jotted something down onto her notepad.

“Daddy ran to find out what it was as mom stood by the table . I heard two excruciating loud pop noises as mom cried out to daddy. Then pop pop pop. I heard three more and a plop! I threw my hands over my mouth while mom’s hand flopped down next to me under the table as blood pooled by my foot. I didn’t see anyone, mom kept a table runner on the dining table at all times. It was long and it hid me well. I think that’s why she told me to hide there.”

“I’m so sorry Emily. I know how hard this must be for you.” Kathy tried to keep a professional face, but sympathy and pity filled her burnt chestnut eyes. “The police report mentioned that this was an isolated incident and nothing more than just a random burglary. I am very sorry this happened to you and your family, Emily. Is there anything else you’d like to add?”

“N-no.” I mumbled under my breath.

 “We are done for today, we’ll pick up at the same time next week. Take care of yourself Emily. Remember, if you need to talk to me before our scheduled time, you have my number! You call me anytime you need to!” Kathy brushed the hair that was dangling in her face back behind her ears, bracelets jingling.

My eyes were wet but the tears wouldn’t flow, I couldn’t fathom crying anymore. I’ve done enough of that for the past two months. The flashbacks lived inside of my head like a movie set on repeat. I tried to make them stop, I even have scars on my wrists to prove it. I guess that’s why they thought I still needed Kathy. I didn't need Kathy though, I needed my parents.

 “Yeah, okay. Thanks Kathy.” I wiped the tears from my eyes as I stood up and walked out of her office.

My social worker was waiting to take me back to the orphanage. I climbed in the backseat of her car, buckled my seat belt, and glared out of the window. There’s not much to do at the orphanage. The younger kids are funny and kind, but they’re always getting adopted out. The bigger kids are just assholes to me, but I ignore it because I know they’re probably just missing their mom’s and daddy’s too. I stick to myself there. There’s no point in getting attached when we all just die anyway.

#

It was almost time for lights out. I stared out of the window into the dark, starry night sky. I wonder which dazzling stars were my parents. I wonder if they were even in the stars at all. I wonder if things would be different if I had just said yes to Red Lobster.

The end