When I Can See Her Again

She was the most beautiful creature on Earth. Her long milky white hair that I brushed every morning. Her unbelievably wide doey brown eyes that always seemed to hone in on me, reflecting the soft light of the lampshades. We used to lie together every night for bed with her resting a foot away from my face, just staring. And I’d stare right back, stroking her hair. I loved her. And now she’s gone. 

It was a tumor in her abdomen. My cousin, a doctor, said that it was fatal and there was nothing I could do. Nothing I could do! Like he expected me to just lie around and wait for Death to steal her from me! 

And yet I waited. It was two months after, one night when we laid together in bed. She was weak, just lying limply on her side. Her eyes weren’t wide open as they often used to be. Her eyes, they stared unfocused at me through droopy lids. I knew it was time and so did she. But she didn’t utter a sound. Neither did I. 

That night she was taken from me. The photograph in front of me can never capture the intelligent glint in her eyes. Or the exact texture of her hair. Just a photograph. Just a picture! Not living or breathing, yet I stare at it just as much as I used to stare at her. 

My hand swipes forward to grasp it but I end up knocking it over instead. It falls unceremoniously to the floor, cracking the glass of the frame.

I used to have to clean glass up so she wouldn’t hurt herself. Now all that’s left is me, and who cares if I hurt myself? 

With that thought I stagger out of my seat, reaching for the door. 

I run with a stone in my chest, the cold stale air of the hallway burning in my watering eyes and cooling down my flushed wet face. I fumble with the door to my complex. The air outside is even colder. A nearby street lamp flickers, coating the parking lot in an orange glow. I walk through the herd of cars, slower. My heart is beating wildly in my chest as I approach her resting place. 

They said I couldn’t bury her here but I did it anyway. They don’t need to know about it. No one else does, but me. No one else would care. 

A small tree stump serves as her headstone with her initials carved into the wood on top. It’s soggy now, and so is the ground around it. I don’t care. I fall on my butt in front of the stump, legs crossed, and reach for my pocket. 

My fingers grasp a small handgun. He took her away. I saw him take her away! How can I live with myself, knowing I did nothing to save her from Death? 

I had just watched, watched as he lifted her up, away. If she’s gone, then I want to be gone too. 

But wait- I think, if I give myself away, he will most certainly come for me. Come to take me to be with her again. 

If I do this, I’ll see her - but he will have me, too. The bastard. Will I give myself away like that? For her?

Yes, I think. Yes, for her. To see her. To look down into her wide, alert eyes. To touch her silky hair. Yes, I think, as I raise the gun to my throat. As my finger hovers over the trigger. 

I can almost see her! So close, yet - 

“OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!” A woman shrieks, from my right - the parking lot. 

I lower the gun, trembling all over. I look up through my oily blonde hair to see my neighbor. 

She rushes towards me, red purse swinging in her hand. “YOUNG MAN! PUT THAT DOWN THIS INSTANT!” As she comes closer I realize it’s Ms. Lewis. Her thin, wrinkled face is twisted in a scowl and she stomps toward me with terrifying robustness. 

The gun clatters to the ground, and she kicks it away with a slippered foot. “You, young man, are NOT to be behaving in such a way! Honestly, it’s disrespectful to those like me, who put up with you all the time!” 

I just stare down at the stump, sniffing. 

“Oh, come here you.” She sighs and draws me towards her. She’s on her knees behind me I guess, because when I lean my head back it rests on her shoulder. She pats my head, a gentle and experienced motion. “What’s it this time?” She asks. 

I hiccup, turning my head so that my forehead is against the softness of her scarf. “Julie…”

She exhales wistfully. “You had her a long time.”

I shake my head, eyes screwed shut. 

Her long, scratchy fingers wipe the hair in my face away. “Now, dear, these things happen. But it’s not the end of the world! Sometimes those we love leave us-” 

I cry out and turn around to hug her sides. She clicks her tongue at me and continues. “And the best thing we can do is to continue living, for them. The longer we stay here, the better we’ll be when we finally see them again. Do you understand?” 

I nod limply. 

“Good.” She says, pulling back. She eyes the gun on the ground and simply leans forward and picks it up, pushing it into her purse. “Now,” She levels me with a fierce stare. “I am going to make you a cup of tea, and you’re going to talk.” 

I nod again. She glares at me so I mutter, “yea, okay.” 

We drink tea, across from each other in her very blue living room. And I talk, and she talks, and I’m struck with the hope that I will see Julie again. But I’ll wait for the day when he decides to take me, when he’s ready - when she’s ready - and when I’m ready. 

And I know, one day we’ll be together again. I’ll be with her - my companion, my soulmate, my dog.