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Contemporary Creative Nonfiction Inspirational

12.20.2022 - Tuesday


Well, California officially banned flavored nicotine. The gas station I would get my disposable vapes from was clearing its shelves today, so I guess now’s a perfect time to try quitting again. I would rather not switch over to regular ol’ cigarettes at this point. It’s not as easy hiding the habit that way haha. Plus, I never cared for them in the first place—too harsh and gross tasting. At least vapes tasted good and didn’t make me smell bad.


I remember one time I tried quitting by tossing my vape into some bushes at the overlook by the ocean. I thought I was so introspective watching the sunset and working up the resolve to let go. It worked for about 24 hours. Then, I returned to the same spot after work the next day and found it resting in the leaves, waiting for me. Like a dog returning to its vomit.


This time will be different though cuz now it’s illegal. Sure, there are other ways to get it, like online or finding a shop that doesn’t care about the rules, but I want to use this added barrier to an addiction I should’ve left behind a long time ago.


They say it takes a month to change your habits, so I am going to shoot for that at least and hope it leads to permanence. I never made it longer than a week, but I have read the “quit lit” and understand what it takes. Alcohol was a bear to tackle too, but now it’s far in my wake and something I hardly think about anymore. Nicotine should be no different, right?


12.21.2022 - Wednesday


Gah! I’m not sure what’s driving me crazier, the cravings, or my efforts to ignore them. I remember reading somewhere to ride the wave. Thoughts and cravings will come, but it’s counterproductive to strive to ignore them. Like, trying not to think about them is forcing me to think about them. Insanity! Acknowledge them, let them wash over me, do some breathing, and move on. It does pass given some time. Though the waves are many at first, I refuse to drown again.


12.22.2022 - Thursday


At this point, most traces of nicotine should be out of my system. Since the body is efficient in processing it, withdrawal is mostly a mind game. With alcohol, there were shakes, sweats, pains, and ill feelings. All I’ve noticed now is a more voracious appetite for sweets and black coffee. There’s been a strange loss of feeling in my fingers and toes though, and they’ve been especially cold. This must be due to my heart not pumping as fast without the stimulant it had grown used to having. I’m sure my body will adjust soon enough. At least my chest pains have subsided!


12.23.2022 - Friday


I stopped by the lake today on my way home from work to calm myself down. The holidays are near and I am feeling the stressors of life weigh down on me more without the crutch. I don’t wanna take them home with me to my wife and kids though, so here I sit in a tree for a little while. The solid oak grounds me and the wind through the leaves is a salve to my raging soul.


It’s gray in the sky today, so the lake below looks dull, but that’s okay—it’s still a sight to behold. Little details have begun standing out to me more, like the small layer of fog down on the lake. With the calm wind blowing it across the surface of the water, it’s like a large host of tiny angels dancing. This brings me joy.


I have missed these kinds of moments. Now I feel renewed and better prepared to go home.


12.27.2022 - Tuesday


ONE WEEK! I have tied my previous record and it feels great! It helped these last few days were so busy with family in town and whatnot, but it’s a victory nonetheless.


Though I have proper feelings back in my hands and feet, I forgot how many triggers there could be. After every meal, a small nagging creeps in for a “treat”. While driving, it’s comical how often I mindlessly reached for a nonexistent vape in the empty cup holder. Now that I am back at work, every time I’m on break the same nagging haunts me. I have a hard time knowing what to do with myself in these moments, but writing about it helps.


According to the research, I’m supposed to start sleeping better at night soon. Looking forward to that!


Patience has been easier to come by these last couple of days. In fact, in the middle of the night when my son awoke, I was the calmest I've ever been rocking him back to sleep. Not being so quick to frustration is a bonus for my family and helps me feel better about myself. Another thing to be grateful for now.


Well, my 15 minutes are up. Better get back to it!


12.28.2022 - Wednesday


Ah yes, the dreaded plummet after the thrill of victory. I forgot how deep this pervading sadness can be when I’m not manufacturing chemicals in my head. At least I know the time in the pit doesn’t tend to last as long once the cycle’s broken. It’s all a part of the recovery process. I have to remember this: one day at a time.


1.3.2023 - Tuesday


TWO WEEKS! Double the high score! :D


I have to admit, not putting down “quit nicotine” on this year’s resolutions was nice. Although, I couldn’t help but take notice of the cans of chew on the back wall while fueling my car the other day. That’s also not a substitute I would be fond of cuz when I’ve tried it in the past, it makes my stomach churn. Besides, you have to spit with it and that’s not appealing at all. Still, I would only be risking mouth cancer instead of lung, throat, and mouth combined…


Nah, gotta shake the justifications or I’ll be starting the cycle all over again. It’s already taken me years to stay away for this long. I must press on!


1.6.2023 - Friday


I’ve just now noticed I’m not drinking as much water as I used to. The obsessive compulsion to wet my ever-present cottonmouth is no longer there, so now I have to consciously think about my daily intake. One more thing to learn discipline with I guess.


I’ll also need to start cutting back on the coffee as it sure doesn’t help my hydration issues. Plus, it’s starting to feel like I traded one stimulant for another, except now I'm more tired and irritable in the evenings. *sigh


1.10.2023 - Tuesday


Three weeks in now. Not much to add today, but I do feel as though my body is finally recalibrating closer to normal. Homeostasis is the correct term, I think.


There have been fewer and fewer trigger moments, and the cravings have almost died down, so that’s great! Oh, and I’m more mindful of my wife’s desires and needs. We've had some great quality time together and the minor irritants no longer get under my skin as much. I had forgotten how much I love this woman!


1.14.2023 - Saturday


The mind fog is back. It’s different than an overstimulated mind. That feels like I’ve hit a wall and there isn’t much I can do to press through it since I’m already amped up. This new fog feels heavier like my head is stuck in the mud. My poor brain must have forgotten how to regulate itself, or it needs more time to heal. IDK, but I hope it clears up soon.


1.17.2023 - Tuesday


Four weeks is technically a month, right? Never thought I would get here, but I am hoping it sticks this time. I suppose I'll check back in for the full month.


I did notice a spitless option of nicotine pouches is still around. They took the flavoring out and labeled it a variety of things. All different shades of no flavor lol. Perhaps, I can fall back to those when this challenge is over. I’m so close now and will want to celebrate after all.


Hmm. Decisions, decisions.


1.20.2023 - Friday


One whole month baby! That was a close one earlier this week, but I’m feeling a bit better about it now. :)


I ended up weighing the pros and cons, and it was laughable how disproportionate the lists were. The pros were too many to count, and the cons were weak at best. That seems to be a similar trend among the substances I’ve chosen to abandon.


It’s wild the emotional roller coaster this can be. Frequent highs and lows at first, then a bit of a tapering out. Then, BAM! a craving out of nowhere.


Stuff has bubbled up to the surface that I have not thought about in a long while too. Buried things I was once running from by different means that I now have to work through with a sober mind. It’s tough man, but I’m glad I made it this far.


The plan is to see how long I can take this now. Indefinitely is what I’m aiming for and it feels more possible today than when I first began.

January 18, 2024 19:41

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37 comments

Jaymi McClusky
06:36 Jan 25, 2024

Yes I can see a day in our future when vapes will be banned! I liked seeing to progression of his struggles to quit!

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J. D. Lair
15:55 Jan 25, 2024

Thanks for reading Jaymi! I tried to be as authentic to the struggle as much as possible in hopes others in similar situations would know they aren’t alone in the fight and maybe find some hope the very possible victory. :)

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Michelle Oliver
01:32 Jan 19, 2024

Well done, the diary of recovery. It’s in interesting look into the different stages of withdrawal, never having experienced it myself. My dad was a smoker all his life, and I always wondered why he wouldn’t quit when he knew it was killing him. Thanks for sharing the insight.

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J. D. Lair
03:08 Jan 19, 2024

I appreciate it Michelle. Happy I could shed some light on the struggle. Sorry to hear about your dad though. ❤️

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VJ Hamilton
18:05 Mar 07, 2024

Hi J.D., Your piece resonated with me, a former smoker. I love how you carry a metaphor through a paragraph, such as the waves of craving nicotine.

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J. D. Lair
21:41 Mar 07, 2024

I appreciate you taking the time to read VJ. Happy you pointed out the metaphor detail and am glad to see it resonated with you. :)

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Russell Mickler
15:58 Mar 05, 2024

Hey JD! I really liked the humanity in this story, the personal journey to overcome addiction, and I think it fits the form of the prompt very well. The ups and downs, the soul-searching and daily recommitment - all very insightful. A great read, thank you! R

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J. D. Lair
05:04 Mar 06, 2024

Thanks for reading and leaving such a thoughtful comment my friend!

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John Rutherford
07:52 Feb 12, 2024

Interesting concept to the prompt. Well done.

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J. D. Lair
21:18 Feb 12, 2024

Thank you John!

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Robert Egan
20:43 Feb 03, 2024

Oh man, I can relate! Cigarettes, chew (dip), pouches, patches, vapes, and a lot of gum.

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J. D. Lair
00:13 Feb 04, 2024

Such a versatile chemical! 😅

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Katharine Johns
20:54 Feb 01, 2024

Very descriptive!

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J. D. Lair
21:29 Feb 01, 2024

Thank you! :)

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Story Time
05:44 Jan 31, 2024

I thought this was a very authentic look at breaking past addiction. Nice flow and good structure. Well done.

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J. D. Lair
18:34 Jan 31, 2024

Thank you for reading! Appreciate the compliments. :)

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Carolyn O'B
18:55 Jan 29, 2024

enthralling, captivating. relatable, entertaining

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J. D. Lair
01:53 Jan 30, 2024

Thank you Carolyn! :)

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Josephine Damm
09:56 Jan 27, 2024

Thanks for sharing this text J.D! Like others have already said, it reads as very authentic and it is easy to sympathize with the narrator's struggles. I was particularly moved by the 1.10.2023. I hope to read more of your texts in the future!

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J. D. Lair
15:46 Jan 27, 2024

Thanks for reading Josephine! I’m glad it was relatable. :)

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Alexis Araneta
15:04 Jan 24, 2024

What a very realistic take on kicking an addiction. Loved it !

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J. D. Lair
15:22 Jan 24, 2024

Thank you, Stella! I tried to be as authentic as possible. I've got your story open in another tab and will read it today. :)

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Alexis Araneta
15:27 Jan 24, 2024

That's so nice of you ! Thank you !

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19:14 Jan 23, 2024

Good story! Sounds almost like you went through it in real life!

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J. D. Lair
20:39 Jan 23, 2024

Sure did! Haha Thanks for reading. :)

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James Lane
18:57 Jan 20, 2024

As an on-again/off-again servant of nicotine, you nailed it! Good job on putting down the vape *he says taking a guilty hit* I'm inspired to do the same...again...someday.

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J. D. Lair
19:31 Jan 20, 2024

I lost track of the many times I “quit”, so you aren't alone my friend! The lack of access helped put me over the edge, but I still think about it sometimes.. Thanks for reading. :) Good luck in your own journey!

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Aidan Romo
15:30 Jan 19, 2024

Well crafted narrative about the true tumultuous and, at times, perilous road to recovery from addiction of any sorts. This honestly felt like "Simon, Stop" but done in a more mature and subtle package. Once again you excel with creating true, real feeling characters that encompass an aspect of human experience that some or most of us can identify with. Spot on use of the prompt as well in how it ended up structuring your story. Had an engaging read with this one! Happy to see you still writing and improving bit by bit.

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J. D. Lair
22:58 Jan 19, 2024

Thank you, as always, Aidan! Trying to keep my hand to the plow as often as I can to become the best writer I can. Always learning! I had not done a story structured this way before, so figured I'd give it a go. Glad it seemed to work out!

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Mary Bendickson
00:36 Jan 19, 2024

For all of you trying to stop just realize tobacco leaves are dried in open sheds ( or at least once were) and not cleaned off very well. So if you ever got a cig that didn't taste quite right it may have been some critters turd you were trying to smoke. That should gross you out enough to not ever want one again.

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J. D. Lair
00:53 Jan 19, 2024

An extra layer of deterrent. Love it!

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Trudy Jas
23:27 Jan 18, 2024

Welcome back. And happy New Year! It reads as authentic and if you really kicked nicotine on your own. Ten thumbs up! If it's fiction. Ten thumbs up! Love the bit about rocking your son back to sleep - sweet.

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J. D. Lair
23:36 Jan 18, 2024

Thanks Trudy! Good to be back. :) I’d say it’s a bit of both haha, that’s why I labeled it creative nonfiction. Though it wasn’t pulled straight from my journal from that time, it very well could have been! Most of it is accurate to my experiences.

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Trudy Jas
23:40 Jan 18, 2024

Well, congrats. I used Chantix till the dreams got to me. What finally cured me cold turkey was when I learned that cigs (don't know about vapes) have MSG. stopped right away, never looked back. Funny what it'll take.

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J. D. Lair
00:52 Jan 19, 2024

Very true! It’s different for everyone. :)

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Trudy Jas
19:21 Feb 01, 2024

Hey, cute new photo. Is this the one who like owange?

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J. D. Lair
21:27 Feb 01, 2024

Haha thanks! Yes, that’s my boy. He says it more like ‘o-age’ right now though. 😂

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