The Day I Get Help

Today's the day I change. Into someone better, more capable, more reliable. 

I'm going to therapy. I've decided that there are a lot of things I need to do differently in my life but I just don't know how. I need help, just like everyone kept telling me.

I was too ashamed to do it before, and too afraid to even book an appointment... My mom did it for me. I just have to show up and open up, which is the terrifying part.

Today is the day I'll actually be going in. 

Unless I change my mind and scurry back to my isolation and self-loathing ways...

I don't want to do that anymore, though. Today it all changes. Today, I start getting help.

I'm no longer ashamed that I need help, which was a big step for me. I came to terms with it about a week ago, when things were so bad I wound up crying in the bathroom, silently, door locked, hoping that no one would ever feel the same hate for themself that I did in that moment. 

That's when I really knew something had to be done. And today is the day I will do it. I'll actually open up. It's not just another day. This day is big, for me. This change is real. I need it badly.

Sure, I'm still absolutely petrefied about what I'm even supposed to say, what I should be doing, but I hope my therapist will ask the questions I need to be able to make use of the time. I'll be answering honestly. What more can I do?

Okay, I'm still really nervous about it and am starting to have doubts about the whole thing. What if my therapist isn't a good match for me? What if this is all too fast? What if I don't know the answers to the questions I get asked?

It can't be that bad. Tons of people go to therapy every single day, and they come out of it fine...

What if I tell my therapist everything and they just laugh at me for it? That's my biggest fear. If I open up and they just disregard it...

I'm not supposed to show emotions, am I? All I feel is tired, and alone, lost, and afraid. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel helpless and hopeless. I want to feel something other than these things I've been enduring for so long. I can't remember the last time I laughed, or genuinely smiled from something. It's all "put up that mask so no one can see what you're really feeling deep down inside" instead of "let me help you work through your emotions." 

...I looked up my therapist. It says right in the description "let me help you work through your emotions." It sounds nice, honestly, to have someone on my side, working through things together...

But it also said that therapy can be an uncomfortable journey, and can uncover feelings that we didn't expect, traumas, and that therapy sometimes hurts before it helps. That all sounds terrifying. It makes me want to doubt my judgement...

If therapy is just going to bring up painful emotions, why do people do it? Do the benifits of working through emotions and feelings really outweigh the drawbacks?

I have to try it. I have to try something. I can't keep living like this anymore.

I'll update you when I get back from my therapist appointment, they're waiting for me now. I'm just working up the nerve to go in there... I can do it...

I'm back. I talked with my therapist. It turns out I have depression and have been living without help for a very, very long time. We set up a psychiatrist appointment, so that I can take medications to help me with my emotions. Help me be able to feel happy sometimes again. It all sounds wonderful, except that the new medicine might not be the right fit, and that it's all trial and error to find out what will work for me. This is a lot more work than I realized. 

But, if this is what it takes to be okay again, then it's all worth it.

Update: It's been three years. I went through a whole bunch of medicines before I found what was right for me. I forgot that I wrote this all down. I hope it can help someone someday. 

My questions from three years ago, I know the answers to them now.

If your therapist isn't a good match for you, you try a different therapist. If it's too fast, ask to slow down a bit- pace yourself. There is time for you to process things. If you don't know the answers to the questions, you can take time to think about the question. Maybe answer it at your next therapy session, or whenever the answer comes to you. Sometimes there is not an answer for the questions you are asked, and that's okay too. 

Therapists are supportive. They won't laugh at you. Therapy is not going through painful things just because. It has a reason; so that you can work through your emotions and grow as a person. It's to realize why you felt what you did and gain some closure. And yes, the benifits outweigh the drawbacks when you work through your emotions, one hundred percent. It doesn't always feel that way at first but once you get through it, it will. 

Showing emotions is natural, and while it may seem to be frowned upon in our societal norms, you can't let that get in the way of you being okay. As a person, it is more important to take care of yourself than it is to fit into society's boxes. I hope that you can see that.

Three years later and I'm so glad I decided to change that day. I'm so glad I reached out for help. I feel like a different person entirely. 

I know more about myself than I ever did before. It feels so much better. 

Therapy is something you have to work at, sure, but putting in the effort for it is the best decision I've made.