17-23 and everything in between

Willow sat down on the corridor of her father’s house, looking deep into the night as she watched the stars above. They hadn’t stopped shining for as long as she can remember; it was as though they never grew tired, as if they lived forever, and no matter what happened down here in this little house, they never ceased to burn. Sometimes she hoped maybe one would fall as the days in her life grew darker and the nights became colder; in some moments she wished just one star would come down and dance with her whenever she was so full of joy; and once she looked up and hoped something up there in the cosmos would see the emptiness she felt in her soul,

Tonight, just as she was about to leave this place, the twinkling sight in the sky made her sit down and stare. With no plan and no dream to chase, just a tired girl longing for rest and a few bucks ready for the road, she packed her bag and set her mind onto an unknown path with no intentions of ever coming back... but watching them tonight made her look back at life and try to see exactly what happened to her that caused her crippling fear, intense sadness, and the loneliness that has haunted her for the past 5 years very deeply. She couldn’t find life outside these walls for so many years. 

17. 

Maybe it was the boy she gave her heart to so early in life, and in return, he broke it so finely that she turned into dust. After graduating high school at 17, she was excited about what her life was going to be. She could finally live carefree and go wherever and whenever she wanted without having to worry about grades or studies. Her carefree feet wondered off into the arms of a boy, captivating her naive heart, and before she knew it, she found herself dancing to his charm and sweet smile while his hands crushed her heart. 

23

Not a single thought of him ever comes to her mind now without a stomach full of regret whirling up inside her. Her heart was so broken that she never dared give it to another. The thought of doing so sent her skin shivering, and she despises herself greatly for ever being so deceived by him. His betrayal led her mind down dark alleys. She remembers how, no matter what she did or said, he could never love her. "For so long she spent her life chasing the wind, and each time she fell, she hurt herself over and over again."

17

Or maybe it was her stubbornness, the defiant spirit she had in rejecting what her father wanted for her life. Willow felt like she did not know who she was yet, and she always knew she wanted more. Having not discovered who she was, the last thing she wanted was to spend her life in a place that felt like a cage, hindering her from ever flying. 

23 

She smiles sadly when she thinks of how her own mind ended up being what trapped her instead. Sometimes she wonders if she could ever go back in time and stand at that crossroads where she was told to make a decision between following the career her dad wanted for her or her own immature heart. She wonders if she could still choose the same road of following herself. 

17

The friends she once was so close to became different and distant from her; it was as if they shared one mind; no day went by without seeing one another; and their conversations never seemed to stop. Every time she was with them, it felt like a day spent in crazy town; some days they joked of living together in the same house; but slowly the conversations died down, and their ever-flowing friendship dried until she couldn’t think of one thing to say to them. They became closer to strangers, and Willow felt it in her bones. 

17

Maybe it was the way she watched her family fall apart the day her mother decided to leave; she saw the wounds in her siblings while they were so young, and for so long, nothing could ever fill the void she left, until silence was the only thing they heard in their home and cracks in their father’s voice. When they weren’t brave enough to look into his eyes, they held each other’s hands and stayed by his side. Seasons changed, and life took everyone a little further into life. pulling their hands away from one another, and finally she was all alone, fearing to leave. not wanting to be forgotten or left void again. 

"No one would take care of this home," she said to herself while squeezing her left hand every time the thought of leaving crossed her mind.

23

Willow breathed deeply, taking all the cold air she could get into her lungs. "It was not anybody’s fault at all." She always thought of herself as being just so empty and fragile inside. For so long she wished the cuts were deep enough or the marks visible enough to be seen, but in the end she couldn’t blame anyone. Willow always watched so much into the dark sky until she became a part of it. With each glance, she slipped away slowly from reality, and before she knew it, five years had gone by with her mind shrouded in dark clouds that rained on days and nights.

She picked herself up, pulled her bag pack on her shoulders, and a little bravely walked away from the house. Soon it will be morning, and she wanted to be far from here finally at 23, she hoped deeply to live. She wanted the light of the morning to reach her mind and be alive in a different place. She wanted to be born again. A new fire was starting to grow inside her; she knew it would never stop burning, and God knew that so well.