When will I find happiness?

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of finding true love and becoming a mommy and living happily ever after. I did become a mommy, but true love is something I did not find in the man I had kids with. 

Shawn was cute and charming, and at first, a gentleman. We talked for hours after our first meeting and we covered many subjects. He made me laugh and was engaged in what I was saying. Before he kissed me for the first time, he asked if he could. The first red flag was presented the day after our long talk, but I chose to ignore it.

I am tall for a woman; I am five feet and ten inches tall and I am slightly overweight at 280 pounds. After breakfast, Shawn and I sat down and started talking once again. He told me, “I really like you even though your look is not what I typically am attracted to, but there is just something about you that I am drawn to.”  I asked him to elaborate and I instantly regretted it. “My usual type of woman is blonde (I am brunette), shorter than five feet six inches (not me), and really thin (again, not me). Those characteristics are so sexy, but I like your personality, so it can work between us.” I should have walked away from him right then, but instead I stayed, for another sixteen years.

Shawn and I moved from Oregon, where we met, to Washington state where my parents and siblings lived. A few months after we moved, Shawn proposed, and I said yes. He had started drinking and the comments about my body type had not stopped, but I loved him anyways and I thought we could be happy together despite the comments. A week after he proposed I found out I was pregnant. I was thrilled but afraid that he would walk away because he had told me that he did not want kids. He stayed and nine months later I gave birth to our daughter. Shawn did not slow down on the drinking and so I found myself raising a baby mostly alone and taking care of my drunk fiancé.

We were married in 2001 and in 2002 I gave birth to our son. Shawn was getting drunk every night and had also started smoking marijuana. He constantly told me it was my fault that he drank because he was not happy being married to me. 

The year 2003 was a big changing point in all our lives. Back in 1995 Shawn had committed a crime in Iowa and he fled to Oregon instead of facing charges for it. He decided that he needed to answer for that crime now and we decided to move to Iowa and live with his parents until we got settled. He would also turn himself in after the holidays and we would wait and see what the courts handed down in the way of punishment. His mom, Renee, and I had met several times and I already loved her and his dad, however she was a totally different person one we were living under her roof. Shawn had always told me that while he was growing up that she was controlling, and I figured that was just her parenting style. Boy was I wrong! She started in right away trying to control every aspect of our daily lives, even during the days she was at work and we were at home. She even left us a note about the exact lunch meat we should use in our sandwiches!! A few months after we got there, Renee and I got into a big argument and I decided that I had enough. I told Shawn that the kids and I were going back to Washington to wait out the judge’s ruling. I called my dad and he booked the three of us on a flight back home for the next afternoon. Shawn ended up telling a close friend that I abandoned him just when he needed me the most.

The year 2006 started off just like any other year. The judge in Iowa sentenced Shawn to 10 years on the sex offender registry and 5 years of probation. His crime involved him grabbing a grown woman’s breasts as he rode his bike by her at a park in Iowa. Being on the registry was a whole new experience and stressor for us! The State of Iowa allowed him to transfer his probation to Washington State so he could resume living with the kids and me. I was hoping that he would slow way down on drinking because no alcohol was one of the stipulations of his probation, but sadly he kept drinking just as much as before. We had some financial struggles and lost our place to live, so we temporarily moved into a hotel while we saved money to get a permanent home. Shawn decided he had enough and announced on his 31^st birthday that he wanted a divorce.  He moved into his own studio apartment the next day and I confronted him about planning this without even discussing it with me. We got into a screaming match as he was packing his bags.

By the year 2007, Shawn and I were back together and living with our kids in a two-bedroom apartment. His probation officer lied about us reporting our address and they kicked Shawn out of Washington, effective immediately. We were stunned and scared as to what we were going to do. He called his parents and we all agreed that I should not share a house with Renee again and so we all decided that our kids and I would stay with my parents and Shawn would fly to Iowa and stay with his parents and get a job and us an apartment. I had been trying to get Shawn to agree to see a marriage counselor with me for two years by this point and he steadfastly refused. I was getting more and more depressed and I did not know what to do about it. 

With the start of the year 2010, I was excited because I was set to graduate from Community College in May. All my hard work was about to pay off and I was so proud of myself. Shawn had spent the last two years being angry that I was in college, but I kept pushing towards my goal of a diploma. I had started attending counseling alone and I really liked my counselor. She told me that there was not much more she could do to help me save my marriage while my husband was refusing to attend sessions with me. She did help me find a family doctor and get on anxiety and depression medication and that helped me immensely. I was able to ignore Shawn’s insults well by this point and I had started thinking that I deserved better. I did not want to have my kids grow up without their dad in their house, so I just stayed with him. Looking back, I can say that my feelings for him died sometime in 2006. 

I graduated Community College in May of 2010 and my mother had a stroke a few days before my graduation. It was hard knowing that with me in Iowa and her in Washington. She spent four months in a rehab facility and then she finally went home, stronger than when she had her stroke. 

January of 2011 brought us a surprise! I received an email from a company that matches people with their biological families that Shawn’s younger sister was looking for him. I had signed up with this company on his behalf in 2003 and he had no idea. I decided to check in to this person before I told him and at first, I was suspicious because her profile said she was 15 years old! This seemed impossible because Shawn was currently 36 years old, so I was doubting that he would have a 15-year-old sister! It turned out that he not only had a 15-year-old sister, but he had three more younger sisters, too. His biological mom and three of his younger sisters were all living one state away in Missouri.  His oldest younger sister was living in Montana with her kids and boyfriend. We made plans to go to Missouri and meet them all. We liked them so much that we moved there in August. Our marriage continued to go down a rocky path and in December of 2011 I decided that I wanted out. Shawn and I talked about it and we decided that the kids and I would move to Arizona where my older sister lived with my niece and nephew. My sister had offered to help me get my life together while I decided if I wanted a divorce or if I just needed a break from my marriage. 

February of 2012 found my kids and I in Arizona living with my older sister. We lived with her for two months and then settled into our own townhouse. The single life was an adjustment, but it was nice to not be insulted multiple times a day about everything under the sun. Shawn moved to Arizona in August of that year and he said he missed the kids and me. I decided to give our marriage one more shot before I threw in the towel. I was happy with him living with us for exactly two days and then things went right back to where they had been when I drove away from Missouri months before. I was relieved when he got a job as an over the road truck driver because he was on the road for three weeks straight and then off for a weekend. I started looking forward to when he would be gone, and I knew that it meant that I was truly done being married to him. 

Three months in to 2015 Shawn and I were divorced, and I was finally able to feel free. I also kept asking myself – ‘When will I find my true love and live my happily ever after?’