All the Same

I looked out the window and counted in my head.  I got to four, that was the number that I finished with in my head.  I found it interesting that a number such as four could mean a little, but it could also mean a lot.  It’s like everyone turns four years old, and we’re still little kids.  My circumstances represent the latter, because I’ve been stuck in this psychiatric facility for four days, four very long days.  That contrast was stuck in my head like there was some sort of mystery about the number four.  I tried to think about something else like how the flowers and leaves outside have turned to the best pink I’ve ever seen.  Sometimes, it’s intricate thoughts like these that make me think that’s the reason I got locked up in here.  Actually, I don’t entirely know the real reason I was locked up in here.

“Okay everyone, it’s time to go see your doctor.  Make sure to come up when I call your name, so I can bring you to the room,” yelled the employee who was in charge of watching over everyone.

It was late afternoon, and I was sitting down on my bed.  Generally, I’d be in the group room hanging out with the close friends that I’ve made throughout my stay here.  However, I was feeling kind of tired, and the pain in my right arm got stronger by the day as if there were a bunch of bees taking turns launching their stingers into me.  I got to my bed and laid down, staring up at the ceiling.  Someone knocked at the door hard, and it was irritating me.  The door opened.

“Swanny, get up!”  the younger gentleman ran up to my bed.  “Why are you still asleep?  It’s a bright, sunny morning!”

I looked at him and let out a sigh.  “Josh, why would it matter if it’s bright and sunny outside?  You know we can’t go out unless it’s smoke break, and I hate to break it to you, but we both don’t smoke.”

He looked at me and gave his regular, optimistic answer, “You’re not looking at the bigger picture here!  Being exposed to any sort of sunlight will make us happier.  We can go out and cover our mouths and nose while everyone else smokes.  Just for 4 minutes, please!”  He pleaded with me like a boy asking to buy something.

I laughed and gave him a smile, “You’re right.  I guess I’ll get up.”  

Josh was a younger individual, around 18 or so.  Well I was 23, so I wouldn’t say that there was too much of a difference in our ages.  He arrived on the second day of my stay here.  I enjoyed his presence, because he had that excitement and optimism that I never had.  I think it’s because he’s hitting that age where everything seems like it’s all fun and games.

We both walked out of the room, and we started heading into the group room.  There was a gentleman and a woman, staring our way as if they were waiting for us.

“Hey look, it’s Swanny! Let me tell you this joke, since you always have better reactions than her,” said the man sitting upside down on the chair.

“Not right now Paul, I’m not in the mood for jokes.  I got forcibly woken up by this guy,” I said while pointing at a smiling Josh. “And besides, I’ve told you countless times to never sit on your chair like that.”

Paul laughed and sat upright on his chair, “Sorry, sorry.”  Paul was around 25, he was the humor of the group.  He arrived here during my third day of my stay.  He’s a former comedian, or at least that’s what he always likes to say.  I was never funny, so I like to think that I’d be able to use his jokes when I end up leaving.

“Okay fine, what was the joke?” I asked, feeling guilty.

His eyes brightened up.  “Why couldn’t the number 4 fit in with the other circles?  Because he was two squares!”  Okay, maybe I won’t be using his jokes when I leave.

“Hush Paul! Come and sit next to me Swanny,” the grandma said with a warm, comforting smile.

I sat next to her and smiled, “Hi Mrs. Chang, how did you sleep?”

She gave me a warm hug and patted my head.  “I slept well, but woke up around 4.  What about you?  Also, how many times have I told you to call me MuMu?” she said with a frown.

“I’m sorry MuMu, I just forget sometimes.”  I apologized while bowing down almost halfway.  MuMu was an elderly woman, well she was only 45.  She was Asian and insisted on me calling her MuMu, because it meant “Mom” in some weird dialect of her country.   She actually arrived earlier this morning, but it’s like I already felt a connection.  She made me feel comfortable and safe like how mothers usually treat their children.

We were known as the Fearful Four.  No one, not even the employees or the patients who have been here longer than us, liked it when the doctor said that.  It was like there was some sort of curiosity, but a stronger sense of fear they might get when they have a realization about the origin of the name. We just all happened to connect when we were all admitted, I don’t see who is to blame here.  

We had our usual conversation and just talked about memories of the things that we used to do before we were admitted.  Patients started coming and filling up the room.  Then, the new patients came in which was always something I hated, because the new patients always seemed to be bothered by us.  I was aware that we were always the loud crowd, but I always hated seeing the looks in their eyes.  Honestly, I think I wouldn’t have minded, except it was always at me and not at them.

The employee walked into the room and yelled, “Josh, you’re up for the doctor!”  All of the employees always had a habit to not look in the group room when calling us, but if they really had the urge to do so, they’d only look at me.  I guess they assumed we were some sort of gang, and I was the leader of the Fearful Four.

Everyone went up and came back, and it was finally my turn.  “Swanny, you’re up!” said the employee as he finally gained the courage to actually look in the room as he called for me.  

I walked through the long, narrow halls and reached the nursing station.  I looked over, and I could see the phlebotomist drawing blood of the new patient which was something that was always done when you first came in.  I watched as she poked the needle through the upper layer of the skin and found the vein that was being covered.  The needle drew out the blood, as if it were drawing out all the useful information that it needed to access who that person really was.  She put a bandage over the part where she drew the blood, and it covered the area that was leaking like it was trying to make sure that there was still some hidden information in the end.  The girl walked away and held her right arm tightly in pain, that’s usually what happens when they draw blood day to day.

I waited by the nursing station, since only one patient could be in the area.  I saw the patient leave, and I walked towards the door.  It had a pretty big window, probably enough to let three people look through which I thought wasn’t very confidential.  These nurses and employees could easily watch the conversations that patients had with their doctors.  I walked in and sat down in the chair, looking directly at him.

“Hi there Swanny, how are you?  So, you’ve been here for four days now, haven’t you?  Well, according to your chart, it looks like you’re ready to be discharged today.  That must be some exciting news for you!” he said with a smile.

I looked down, and I thought to myself if I was happy or not.  I honestly hated this place, but I did make some of my best friends here.  I knew if I said something dumb, I could extend my stay for at least a week, but I felt like telling the truth instead.

“Actually, I think I’d rather stay a bit more if I could.  I made some of my best friends here in Josh, Paul, and MuMu.  I feel like I would get a little better if I got to talk to them a bit more,” I said with a smile.

His face of smile and joy disappeared instantly, and he looked at me like I said something preposterous.  “You want to stay here because of your best friends?  That’s not a very good joke.”  He said with pure confusion.  “I know your mother left you as a child, and your dad was an abusive drunk, but you’re resorting to doing this?  Even though it did limit your childhood and prevented you from receiving a parent’s love, that’s still a bad decision.” he said.  His facial expressions changed once again, and he checked something off in his chart.  I couldn’t really tell, but it looked like the check was either under disorder or my name.  He glanced up at me and let out a long sigh. “I guess you really aren’t ready to be let back out into the real world,” the doctor said as if he just lost all hope in me.

I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying at all, or maybe I didn’t want to believe it.  Seeing him check something off made me know that there was something wrong with me, and I wanted to know what it was.  I held my right arm once again, because the pain had intensified, almost four times as bad as this morning.  I could feel myself sweating heavily, and there was this heavy pressure on my chest as if someone was sitting on it.  The doctor told me to take deep breaths, relax, and think happy thoughts.  I took my time breathing, and I tried to think about the things that made me happy.  Then it happened.  I saw Josh, Paul, and MuMu staring through the window with their thumbs up to let me know that everything was going to be okay.  I honestly cried tears of a joy a little, because I knew the Fearful Four would be together for life.