The Crappy Chandelier

They say that your whole life flashes before your eyes before you die. I wonder if that’s true. Probably not because I’m not seeing anything right now. Just this awful chandelier. It was one of those “modern” chandeliers that is small enough to fit in an apartment. Looking at it intently right now, it seemed to go against the room. I try to not think about the chandelier. Instead, I try to spend my remaining time trying to understand what led me to my demise.

I first saw him three tables away at a coffee shop. I was editing the draft on my second book.My previous book was a best-seller - one of the best-selling self-help books of all time.  Women all over the world read it. The secret is if you tell people what they wanted to hear, they will gobble it up. So I wrote all this crap about confidence and self-love. Through my words, I convinced other women to believe in themselves- to be better. And it made me want to be a bit better too. I actually vowed to myself to become a better person and I was gonna start by giving a little extra effort on my second book.

So, I sat on this spot near the window. In my spot, I can see the streets and people walking by. I look at the people and I imagine their lives. It’s one of the sources of my inspiration. I observe the people in the coffee shop too. That was what I was doing when I noticed him. Something about him captivated me.  He had blue eyes, blond hair and a jawline to die for! He’s the kind of guy I can’t help myself to fall for. I must have been staring at him and he’s staring back. I smiled a little. His face was expressionless but I didn’t need anything to know that he’s interested. I’m beautiful and I’ve known that my whole life. Too bad that there’s no excuse for us to meet unless he comes over. He didn’t though.

The next time I saw him was in the gym. It was my first time seeing him in that gym and I went to that gym for 2 years. I didn’t suspect anything at that time though. He didn’t go anywhere near me. He did his thing and I did mine. I did feel his gaze though. To be honest, I was really frustrated then that we didn’t officially meet. 

And then there was the time I bumped into when I was shopping. I didn’t suspect anything still. All I can think of at that time was how good he smelled and how perfect it would be if he asked for my number. But all he did was mutter “I’m sorry” and walk away. I instantly had an urge to shot and call him ‘gay’. In my mind,  he had to be gay. Why else would he walk away without even asking for my name? Good thing I was actually determined to be a better person. With all the strength I had in me, I swallowed my rage. I decided to let it go and just forget about him.

But then, I saw him again when I was having brunch with a friend. At that time, I thought that it couldn’t be coincidence anymore. The word “stalker” did come to my mind especially when my friend Janet said “I’ve seen him before”. I mean he looked good, he just didn’t look like a stalker at all. Instead of becoming suspicious, I’ve romanticized all the times I came across him. 

And in my road to self-improvement, I realized that I should become bolder too and I should be more open to new things… or new guys. I’ve decided to do something I’ve never done before. I made the first move.

“Hey,” I say as I reach his table.

At first, he looked so nervous. I chose to interpret that as just because of the fact that a beautiful girl approached him. It was not my first time for guys to react to me that way. Especially in high school. I walked all over those nerdy boys. I got them to do what I wanted just by batting my eyelashes a bit. A little smile here and there and I never had to work hard for homework.

“Alison,” I say to him.

“John”

“You are a lucky guy, John. You get to be my first,” I said. He raises his eyebrow in confusion. I wondered what kind of naughty things invaded his head at that moment. “It’s my first time to ask a guy out. I hope you won’t say no,” I said playfully. I didn’t have to hope, I knew he wasn’t going to say no.

“I would love to,” he said curtly. I thought that he seemed kind of shy. I liked that in spite of his appearance he could be shy. Maybe he needed to read a bit of my book. It was a good thing that I had enough confidence for both of us. I took his phone that was on the table to put in my number but there was a passcode. 

“Just write your number here,” he said. He took out his pen from the pocket in his shirt and gave it to me. He held out his hand. I made a mental note not to take anyone’s phone without permission again. I realized how rude it was. I was really trying to become a better person, wasn’t I?

“Wouldn’t it be safer if I put it in your phone? You might lose it. You might lose your one in a million chance”

“I don’t like things to be just safe. I want a little bit of dangerous” 

There and then, I decided that I was right to ask him out. I liked him even more. I actually was undressing him in my mind when I heard somebody clearing her throat. I kind of forgot about Janet at that point.

“See you,” I told him as I walked towards my table.

“Did you know that guy?” Janet immediately whispered. 

“I feel like I do,” I said. I was looking forward to seeing him again. Hopefully, not accidentally next time. “He’s going to be the death of me,” I joked.  

Our next interaction was when John texted me very early this morning. He asked me out to dinner, he had reservations in a fancy restaurant. At 7pm sharp, he rang my doorbell and we went out to dinner. 

He’s actually an interesting guy. An engineer. Raised in a good neighborhood. His family owns a big manufacturing company. Spent his summer in a huge beach house. But the best part was we actually went to the same high school. I didn’t remember him though.

“Did we ever come across each other then?” I asked.

“Not that I remember”, he said. Something about his eyes changed then. I actually felt a little chill in my spine. I chose to ignore that though. 

Throughout the night, he acted like a perfect gentleman until he drove me home. I expected him to kiss me good night and leave.

“Wouldn’t you invite me to come up?” he asked.

I thought about it for a minute. Old me wouldn’t have hesitated ‘cause he’s gorgeous. But I thought that new me should actually try to get to know a man a bit more. But Old me won so here I am lying on my cold hardwood floor.

Everything happened like a blur. I was going to ask him if he wanted a beer when I suddenly felt pain in my stomach. I fell on my back. I touched my stomach and more pain came. I looked at my hands and it’s full of blood. 

“You had it coming, you bitch,” he said. “You made my life a living hell hole”

I didn’t know what he was talking about.

“You don’t recognize me, do you? You were living your precious life with fucking no remorse. I was moving on, you know? But you just fucking ruined it. I was just enjoying life. But I walked by a bookstore and there your face was, smiling like you didn’t ruin lives,” he said. He grabbed one of my authentic chinese porcelain vases and threw it against a wall. What is he talking about?

He kneels down next to me and he stares into my face. “Dan Rivers, remember him?” 

I didn’t answer. I do remember him. My greatest regret.

He then grabs my hair and pulls. “Remember him?” he shouted into my ear.

“No!” I lied.

“He was my first love,” he whispered. “He was scared… of what people might say… of what we are. He didn’t want to tell anyone. He didn’t even accept who he truly was,” he said with a pause.

Slowly, realization was creeping up to me. 

“I told him we should come to that party. But we did. We got drunk, got a bit horny… we sneaked into one of the rooms. We were just kissing. Just innocent kissing! But you walked in. I begged you not to tell but you laughed at me and immediately told your friends. I can still remember the delight in your eyes as you whisper to that Janet. And everybody found out. And you forgot about it! You didn’t even realize what you did. Everybody called us faggots! Everybody laughed at us! Dan stopped talking to me! And then he blew his brains out!’

I stayed silent. It wasn’t true that I had no remorse. I actually regretted it very much then. When I heard about Dan’s suicide, I knew that I had a part in that. I’ve regretted what I’ve done. But I was drunk and I was a teenage girl. All I wanted was attention. 

“At first, all I wanted was to expose to the world how rotten you are! You shouldn’t be an inspiration. You’re the devil! But it was clear that you didn’t recognize me. You were so self-centered you didn’t even suspect my intentions. You just thought I wanted you. You are so wrong. I want to end you.”

I think it’s kind of funny how my past catches up to me right when I decided to be a different person. 

“You got what you deserve…” he whispered. Then he stood up leaving me behind. 

They say that before you die your whole life flashes before your eyes. That’s not true. You just try to understand why. And when you’ve understood and accepted your fate, you have nothing to do but stare at what’s in front of you. In my case, a chandelier I thought was a good choice. My whole life didn’t flash before my eyes. There was only one question in my mind: “What the hell was I thinking when I bought this crappy chandelier?”