Lost Time

When Sofia opened her eyes she felt refreshed. She finally had a good night's sleep. Her duvet perfectly wrapped around her, not too warm and not too cool. Her shades were closed but she could tell it was a sunny day. The phone next to her displayed 11:09 AM which was later than she wanted but still perfect to get some meditation in before her first appointment at 1:15 p.m. She covered her face in her blanket again but this time Oreo, her tiny chihuahua, jumped on her head to wake her. 

“I knew I should have left your ass in Chicago.” She joked with her dog. But Oreo didn’t take it so well as he whimpered softly and hid his face behind a paw. 

“Awe no baby I was kidding. You know I would never leave you.” Oreo jumped off the bed and walked outside slowly letting her know he was not having it. 

“Awe baby, are you going to leave me too?” She asked and waited for him to come back but she was just talking to herself.  

She got up and put on a long comfortable shirt, opened the shades and balcony door to step outside. She smiled as she took in the scenery. She loved her apartment on Pflanzschulstrasse right across from Bäckeranlage park and pavilion. She was also across the street from the bus station so it was incredibly convenient. She was still getting used to everything around even though she moved here almost a year ago. It was too far from Pfannenstiel where she wanted to be, close to nature. But, nothing is perfect. She still loved her apartment. She took walks every day to the Kopf Hock viewpoint to look at Lake Zurich, the people, and sometimes she fed the Pekin ducks. 

Her daughter, Luna, still hasn’t forgiven her for moving to Switzerland but she knew that one day she will come around. She figured that Luna was young enough to be able to adjust quickly than an adult or a teenager to the new language and culture. The first few months were very tough on her and everyone involved but Sofia could not have waited any longer. She knew it was something she always wanted to do and she just got tired of everyone’s bullshit. Her boyfriend, Noah, abandoned her last minute choosing to stay to become a principal instead of moving with her. He loved her but this was his dream he said. Well, she didn’t even love him so too bad. What a surprise that a white guy was choosing money and status over a love he supposedly had. The only thing that made the move easier was that Luna’s dad, Danny, had a twin and was entirely too busy to have any time for her which pissed Luna off. 

So here she was, on her balcony with a long comfy shirt, nothing under, standing barefoot looking at the astonishingly clean streets of District 4 in Zurich. She walked back inside and went to the kitchen to make some green tea while watching TikTok on her phone. She put her shoes on and walked Oreo outside for a quick pee break then went back and took her tea to the balcony again where she meditated for a few minutes. She walked back inside, turned her bath water on, and grabbed a book to read. 

At 1:10 PM she turned on her computer and sat in her office. Her Client was ready for her as soon as she logged on to Zoom. She smiled, asked her client how was her week, and started their session. Two clients later she was already exhausted. Three intense sessions had drained her emotional reserves. She locked eyes with her desk, cluttered with notes, and decided she needed a break. She went back to the kitchen and made herself some more tea. The soothing aroma enveloped her, momentarily easing the weight on her shoulders. Glancing at the clock, she debated whether it was too early for a drink. Her phone vibrated in her pocket. It was Luna. She was going to be a bit late to go hang out with Jennifer. The only other English-speaking girl in the class. Jennifer and her parents are British, responsible, and trustworthy.  

A drink was in her near future. She texted her friend and neighbor Toni whom she met in the building’s gym. Toni was a gym rat, like her, but also competed regularly in rowing competitions with her local team. She went to watch her a few months ago and probably would have enjoyed it more if Luna hadn’t complained the entire time. Toni was also a psychology professor and she enjoyed talking to her about her patients sometimes. Her only flaw was that she enjoyed beer and Sophia couldn’t stand it. 

By the time Sophia was dressed, Toni responded to her with an address and a time “4:30, don’t question it, just come.” Sophia certainly questioned it but she put the address in the Uber App and few minutes later she stood in front of an Italian restaurant called “Il Tempo Perduto” 

She walked inside and immediately saw Toni who motioned her to their table. 

-" So what do you think? Different huh?”

-“ I have to say I am surprised. Not your style at all.”

-“ I know but someone mentioned this place to me so I thought we should try it. I know you don’t like beer so I ordered us a pitcher of Sangria and a pizza so I hope you like it.” 

-“ No beer? And Sangria too? Wow, it must be my lucky day.”

-“ Yes, so you better enjoy it. I don’t do this often.” 

-“ Can I get a menu? I wanted to look at their salads.” 

On cue, a server showed up with a menu for the new guest who just arrived and with glasses for the Sangria. She spoke quickly in German but Toni interrupted and asked if the server could come back in a few. Sophia looked at the menu but didn’t find anything that interested her so she put it aside. They started talking about their day when the server returned with their pizza and two plates. Another server came with a pitcher of Sangria and just poured some into their glasses. Sophia was starving so she cut herself a slice of Pizza and put it on her plate. Soon, robotically, she raised the slice to her mouth, and as soon as that warm gooey cheese along with that thin-crust dough touched her palate, her whole body shivered. A tender pleasure took over her senses and filled her with an enormous joy to which she could not find the source. Had she been that hungry? No that couldn’t be. She searched through the alleys, streets, and corridors of her mind to find an answer but she was lost. Minds are terrible creatures of their own sometimes as they tend to betray you when you need them most. She took another bite and the same feeling was repeated with the same intensity. She closed her eyes and tried to focus. There must be a memory in there somewhere that was hiding from here somewhere in the attic of her mind where some cobwebs have already grown on that canvas of a memory. She felt she was close as she savored the pizza sauce on the roof of her mouth mixed with that pleasing charred flavor of the bottom of the dough that just tasted a little smoky with the perfect amount of melted fresh cheese on top. 

And suddenly the image came into full view. The memory has returned. 

Immediately the Tuscan yellow wall of the Wild Olive Trattoria appeared in her mind and with the wall, the table where she sat in the middle of that terrace of the restaurant overlooking the beautiful avenue surrounding the serene lagoon of Huacachina, Peru. Although she couldn’t see the lagoon from where she sat, she could feel the coolness of it. With the lagoon came the breathtaking sand dunes that towered over the oasis from every direction creating a stunning contrast of golden sands and vibrant green waters. As the image began to complete in her mind she saw the darkness of Huacachina’s sky that brought a stunning collection of stars overhead while the oasis was illuminated with twinkling lights from the surrounding buildings. Finally, she saw him. Leo sported his scraggly beard, dark curly hair, and charming smile sat across from her with a glass of Sangria and a look in his eyes that warmed her entire body. A couple of hours ago they were sandboarding before climbing to the top of the dune to watch the sunset. It was a perfect day on a perfect trip almost six years to the day. Although they were both tired, their night was nowhere near over. Sophia smiled to herself as she recalled the events before she finally realized where, and when, as she saw Toni laughing across from her. 

“Whatever it was, it must have been good,” Toni said while still laughing. 

“Shut up. Anyways, I am sorry but I have to go I forgot something. This was great though. My treat though for leaving like this ” she said abruptly as she took out her phone to order an Uber.

“Please, no worries at all. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I forgot I have to pick up Luna from her friend’s house. I thought she was just walking home but she wanted me to pick her up. Anyway, my Uber is almost here. I am so sorry again. See you at the gym tomorrow? ” She lied as she got up.

“No problems and of course I will be there,” Toni said with a smile. 

Sophia walked as fast as she could to the Uber to relive her memories without interruptions. As soon as she sat back, she recalled the tiled shopping street of Huacachina, the yellow buildings, the marbled benches, under the trees, the green lamp posts, the peace and tranquility of the desert, the small grocery store, their party at the Wild Rover, the drinking, the dancing, the interesting people they talked to and met, Luis their tour director, their rustic hotel, the sex and how she just laid on him and slept so well. She bit her lip too hard without realizing as the Uber stopped in front of her building. The driver gave her a weird smile and she exited the car quickly. She climbed up quickly to her apartment and turned on her phone again. She opened her Snapchat account to see if she could add Leo again but either she forgot the username or she was misspelling something. Fuck, she thought as she threw her phone on the bed while she changed. She picked up her laptop and logged on to her email and scrolled to see if she saved any of his emails. She stopped as she remembered she deleted everything when she ended the relationship. Her brain raced to find a solution. He had a website! She remembered as she opened a new tab, typed his name, and hit enter but all she saw was a message telling her that the page did not exist or was no longer available. Goddamn it! She kept tapping on the computer as she tried to find another way. She tried Facebook but his account was deactivated. She then resorted to Instagram but again hit a brick wall as the account was also deactivated. What the fuck, Leo? Where did you go?  She couldn’t figure out why would his instagram be deactivated. She then went to the website of his school to find his page but strangely he was no longer featured as part of the faculty. I got it! She went through her documents as she remembered that he shared a document with her when they worked on his book and that had his email on it. She hoped she didn’t delete it as she clicked enter on the search button. She didn’t as one document showed up which she opened and there at the bottom was his email. She opened her email account and typed his email, then stared blankly at her computer screen. Now what? What could she possibly say to him after ending everything without a warning three years ago?  Her fingers trembled on the keyboard. Then she started typing: 

“ I am sorry Leo. I know nothing I can do or say can ever make you feel any better. I know what I did hurted you as much as it hurted me but at the time I felt it was the right thing to do. I fucked up and you did not deserve it. I cannot tell you how many weeknights I spent crying because of the nightmare I created. I knew I needed you in my life and like an idiot I tried to rationalize everything that had nothing to do with reason. I am not sure where you are or how you are. I tried to find you on Snapchat or your website (why is it deactivated?) And I even tried to stalk you on Instagram and Facebook but you seem to have deactivated everything. I hope you are well. I am not sure if you, you probably don’t, I did it. I actually moved to Switzerland. It has been almost a year now. Luna hates me for it but she might be coming around. It is just the two of us here. Swiss people are very dry! But I made a friend. Yes, at the gym again. I am still working out. She is the reason I am emailing you. She took me to this Italian restaurant and we had a pizza and Leo oh my god it tasted just like that place in Huacachina! And you know what was the wild part? We had Sangria with it and it tasted amazing! It brought me all these memories of you and how we made any place ours. So, yeah. I miss you. I am sorry again and I hope you can read this and think of replying. 

Love, Sophia” 

She hit the enter button and was startled when she heard the slam of her apartment door. Luna was home. 

She called out to her but Luna did not respond. She probably had her headphones on. She was about to close her computer when her heart sank. She saw she received an email but it was nothing she wanted to see. It was a bounce-back email informing her that the mail delivery failed with Leo’s email address. Something was not right. She opened a new tab and this time she just did a Google search on his name. There were a bunch of websites with other people with similar names, a website with one of his book reviews, an Amazon link to his book, and at the bottom of the list she saw a link from the Bangkok Post about a 44-year-old American tourist who went hiking alone in the Surat Thani province and was reported missing. His disappearance was reported by the owner of the resort where he stayed. That was 2 years ago. Sophia did another search and tears flooded her face as soon as the results came back. There were links to obituaries, an article about his school’s vigil, and TikTok posts about students remembering. Sophia attempted to process the grief when Luna walked in to ask what was wrong. Sophia was grateful for her daughter’s innocence and compassion but also overwhelmed by sorrow, disbelief, and longing. Luna pulled her mother up and dragged her into her room. Sophia climbed into Luna’s bed while Luna held her like her mother used to do when she was younger. A few minutes passed by with Sophia sobbing slowly before she raised her head and asked:

-“Where did you get these postcards from?” As she pointed to the postcards on Luna’s wall. 

-“Remember, we used to get these postcards before we moved here. I think we got 8 of them but I lost one. Why?”

Sophia jumped out of bed to look at the postcard from Thailand. There was no writing on it but it was postmarked more than two years ago. She looked at all the postcards and none of them had writing on them. Thailand was the last postmarked card.  

-“Was this the last postcard? You said you lost one.”

-“I don’t know. I think.”

-“Baby, please try to remember.” 

Luna took the cards from her mom and looked at all of them then she said. “I am not sure but I think there was another card after this. It was a picture of a mountain and a forest with Japanese writing. I don’t think it was Tokyo. Aoki something?” 

A mountain, a forest, and Aoki something. Why did that sound familiar? Fuck.

She ran to her computer and opened a Google search again. She typed “Aoki”. Immediately, Aokigahara Forest came up as a suggestion. She knew what that was. It was the suicide forest. 

Sophia didn’t give up. She looked at the time and called her brother who didn’t immediately answer but on the second call he picked up. She asked him to go through all her mail and look for postcards. Angel cursed her out but complied. She told him what to look for but it was a whole shoebox of mail. After a few nerve-racking minutes of listening to him mumble to himself, he went silent. 

“I think I got something. Oh, wait. I found 3 cards. Bolivia, Brazil, and Peru.” 

“What’s the date?” 

“Peru, let’s see, two months ago.”

“Oh fuck, thanks Angel.” 

She hung up and collapsed from the rollercoaster of emotions. Luna peaked in. Sophia smiled and opened her arms for a hug. Luna walked awkwardly and embraced her. Sophia kissed her and whispered, “let’s go home.”