The Devastating Truth

The Devastating Truth

As I gently pushed opened the door to the small ICU room, I was immediately assaulted by the overwhelming attack on my senses. The antiseptic smells from the freshly mopped floor and racks of monitoring equipment assaulted my nose. The stark white sheets added little color to the sterile walls. The rhythmic sounds from the collection of monitoring equipment were a harsh counterpoint to the raspy breathing of the elderly patient.

I rolled over the plastic chair to the side of the bed and sat down wondering what I could possibly say. Her head was covered by a flower patterned scarf that covered the few wisps of white hair that attempted to escape. Her gaunt eyes were sunk and matched the hollowed-out cheeks. She had changed so much since I last saw her, as her cancer ravaged body was quickly being consumed by the ruthless invasion. I watched as her chest rose and fell with shallow breaths.

It was only my second visit since she had been moved into the intensive care unit. Her unwillingness to sign an extended care order before her decision-making ability failed, felt typical of how she lived her life. It also reflected her deep-seated fear of death. Living at all cost was her motto. As I watched her frail shape under the sheet, her eyes fluttered and opened to reveal her still surprisingly clear blue eyes.

“Hello mom. How are you?”

She attempted to answer the rhetorical question but because of the throat cancer I knew speaking was extremely difficult and painful. Nevertheless, she motioned me even closer so she could speak at a whisper yet still allow me to hear her.

“Thank you for coming, dear. I have something I must share with you.”

The pain of speaking was evident, and I did not want her to experience any more discomfort than she was already dealing with.

“It’s okay mom, you do not need to say anything.”

“I do. You must know the truth.”

“Truth? Truth about what?”

“Your father.”

“Dad? What about dad.”

I remembered the last time I saw him before he was viciously murdered almost a decade ago. It was a shock to everyone, and took over a year before I could talk about him without choaking up. Even though my parents had been married for over thirty years, I knew it was far from a perfect marriage. Whose partnership is without challenges to be honest?

She looked over at the cup of ice water on the nearby table and attempted to speak. I grabbed the plastic container and guided the cup with the straw to her cracked lips. After a quick sip she continued.

“Your father was not a kind man.”

While I already knew that, hearing her say this so starkly hit me like a punch in the gut. “I know mom.”

“But there’s more.” She appeared to steel herself before continuing.  “I need you to know, it was my fault.”

Her words made no sense. But given her deteriorating condition, I was not completely surprised. “What are you talking about?”

I remembered the story that he had been walking home from the corner store when attacked by a mugger and left for dead minus fifty dollars from his wallet. “How could his death possibly be your fault. That’s crazy talk.”

She looked at the cup of water and silently asked for another sip. I gave her the drink wondering what she was going to say next.

“The mugger was not random.”

“I don’t understand,” I asked with a growing sense of unease.

Her lips began to quiver before she continued. “I set it up.”

Despite the fact I had heard her clearly, the words made no sense to me. I sat there with a confused look on my face hoping to God she was not hinting at what it sounded like.

“I set it up, Maddie. I had him killed to protect our family.”

The words hit me like a Mack truck at full speed. I could not believe what I was hearing and refused to believe a word of it. She looked at me with eyes that quickly filled with tears that flowed over and coursed down her pasty cheeks.

“I am so sorry I never told you or your brother.” She broke out in a coughing fit that drew the nurse in to help her get it under control. I used the moment to step back and stood by the door. I was unable to process what she had said and needed a minute to gather my thoughts.

I walked out into the hall to create space, to take in this unbelievable confession. I pulled out my phone and pressed the speed dial. I could feel my heart racing in my chest as the connection was made. It was picked up on the third ring and the chipper voice started right up. “Hey sis, hold a sec.”

Before I could respond I heard him speaking to someone else. “Kids stop it. I’m on the phone with Aunt Maddie. Okay, so what’s up? Did you get a chance to visit Mom?”

“Actually, I’m at the hospital right now and I have to ask you something.”

“Sure,” he said.

“Did mom ever tell you much about the circumstances around dad’s death?”

I could hear him thinking on the other end of the line for several beats before he spoke. “Not really. It seemed like an open and shut case, despite the fact the killer was never found.”

“Well…” I inhaled deeply before launching into what I had heard.

“Mom just told me that she set up dad’s murder … to protect us.” The silence on the other end of the phone was deafening.

“Are you sure?” he finally stammered.

“Sure? How can we be sure? There’s no reason for her to lie about this. Especially given her failing health,” I said.

“What should we do?”

I thought about it for a full minute before answering. “I suspect she needed to get this off her chest and it might allow her to die in peace.”

“How did she seem after she told you?”

“She had a coughing fit. I left when the nurse came in to help her.”

I could hear my brother yelling at my niece and nephew to quiet down. At the same time the nurse emerged from the room and motioned for me.

“Matt, I need to go.”

“Thanks Maddie. Let’s talk about this when you get home. Love you.” And then the line went dead.

As I walked into the room, my mother laid quietly in the bed with what looked like a serene look on her face. Her breathing had returned to the raspy and shallow rhythm as before. As I reached the side of her bed, I took her hand in mine and stroked it gently. I watched as she laid there. Then she inhaled deeply and let it out completely. A tear rolled down her cheek.

She never inhaled again.