Patience butterflies

It was at the end of the third date, I knew I wanted to end it. It's not that I didn't have fun, I was good. But I knew it wasn't what I was looking for. that I don't have butterflies...embarrassing to admit because it reflects badly on me but every time I went on a date I realized that I don't really remember what he looked like, my first thought at the beginning of every date was "didn't he have glasses?" or "he has a beard don't forget!" And again when I would come home - lo and behold I completely forgot what he looked like...and I didn't care that much. Not because Im selfish, and not because of an extreme lack of attraction. I was just not interested, there are certain people who just don't click. A good friend told me "If he doesn't physically disgust you, if the date is relatively pleasant - give him a second date, don’t judge…". After the second date, my dear friend said, "If you there aren’t reasons to drop this then, there's no reason not to continue, it's just dating and you are having fun what's the problem? right?" She was right, I had a lot of fun, I felt like he was an old friend. I was stressed because I felt no attraction or some interest romantically in this guy. He was very cute, the conversation was easy and we laughed together. On the first dates I didn't feel stressed at all, I thought it was good but isn’t it bad I wasn't excited to see him, who isn't excited before a date?

I know what you think, that I probably only date a certain type of men and he's just not like them. But - it was my first date ever. I've never had a partner and I've never gone on a date, my thoughts revolved around "Are we supposed to feel different? How can you not feel nervous or butterflies? Not even on the second date?", if that's the case I hope my decision to end the relationship is understandable, Clearly there was no click.

All the stress started after the dates;  Suddenly I forgot what he looked like!! And I didn't have a picture, so embarrassing, I felt like I was wasting his time when I know 100% that it's not the one and I'm just going out on dates to have a little fun, I felt stressed that I don't feel even a little bit like him. Often he would send me messages like "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen", "Every time I melt again when I see you" (almost every end of a date), "I can't believe I'm dating someone as beautiful as you inside and out!" I felt flattered, every woman likes to be admired and at the same time guilty.

Back to the main story - a true story! It was the fourth or third date, I don't remember, we went for a walk at the beach, the date was very fun and we enjoyed talking about the week, what we want in life, we laughed about things, etc., It was getting late and there was a stunning sunset. Everything was still sunlight with golden strokes. I turned to him and asked something about the drive back (I don't remember what anymore) but he didn't respond, I saw that he was just watching me with a cute little smile. (It was a moment like the movies and when I got home I was embarrassed and sad that it was wasted on me!) Anyway, I looked at him, I called his name because he stared at me for more than a minute and a half (!) by then. He just looked into my eyes silently, occasionally glancing at my hair and the rest of my face (yes the lips too) in a way that it was already clear that he wanted to kiss me but couldn't, contact is forbidden until marriage. He moved a bit closer to me, but I reacted by calling his name several times and asked "is everything alright?" Twice. No response. I looked around me because it would have looked like a very intimate sight, and I didn't feel comfortable experiencing that in front of all the people around us (I was embarrassed). At the end of the longest 2 min of my life, he reacted by "yeah I'm fine" and he looked away, blinking a few times. After that we continued on our walk. At the end of that date he texted me that I looked so beautiful at sunset he couldn't stop looking at me. It was beautiful and sweet. I knew it must have been awkward to say face to face especially since I didn't respond in a way that would have encouraged it.

As I said, after this I felt that I should hurry and end the relationship, I planned what to say and to do it face to face. We arranged to go on our 4/5 date.

After we ate and talked, we sat down on a bench and I felt that I was distant enough for him to understand that it was going to end, hoping that 80% of the breakup was done for me (I was very scared to say the words don't judge me! It's so awarded to reject someone) but suddenly he said, "we've been going out for a few times" I fell silent And looked at him, I didn't really know what to say so I replied "True",  he said "I feel that we are doing well" he continued "Our relationship starts slowly and good, no pressure. I like that we get to know each other slowly and calmly", I agreed with that, it's true we get to know each other slowly, for some reason I thought it was too slow, friendly and not in romantic way. I answered him "True, I prefer slow" He looked at me and asked "I'm good, I'm having fun and enjoy my time with you, how are you? Are you feeling good with me, are you comfortable for now?" He was waiting for my answer, and it was clear to me from his look that he was aware (maybe a little) and accepted it. I realized that he is patient and slow for me. I appreciate that. I will have to think about it again. After all I have time, he's fine with that. I decided to respond to the question only, "yes, I'm fine". He smiled "Good."

I talked to my friends. I cried to my best friend on the phone because I felt confused, "I'm ok with him but why do I feel pressured to feel like him? Shouldn’t feel butterflies?? Am I leading him on by not sharing this with him?"  Maybe it's good for me because he feels like one of my old friends and not like a partner??" She told me, "You should feel comfortable, a man is just trying to give you, if you don't want his gifts his feelings that's fine" how much this statement calmed me, to be allowed to do whatever I want at my own pace - even emotional processes, "but" she added "Don't demand that he stops giving what he wants or change just because it makes you feel guilty. Regardless of him you need to learn to accept happily" she laughed at me and said "You're going on a date why should you feel guilty It's your duty to find out what you can before you end or establish the relationship" I replied to her "Yes, but it bothers me terribly that I've already made up my mind" I suddenly realized "Actually everything can change in an instant I'm just making sure that this is really what I want to do" This understanding penetrated me well more. My friend/therapist who understood that I needed reinforcement said "Accepting his feelings does not require you to react in the same way or feel something similar. Be honest with yourself and with him, and yeah if you think it's time tell him the difficulties you're dealing with". And that's what I needed to hear to continue dating without guilt.

3  more dates went pleasantly and fun, we got to know each other better and opened up more, we made sure that we have similar goals and similar views in life, at the end of one of the dates he told me that he loves me, I admit that I was very surprised. He asked, "Is it too early to say I love you?" I responded with the belief that there is nothing wrong with sharing where anyone stands in the relationship, I just need to be honest about it. "I'm glad to hear how you feel, it helps me a lot to understand where you stand, all in all I was surprised, we never talked about it" he responded painfully "we're talking about it now" He felt he was going to be rejected and he wants to know how do i feel, I replied "it's too early for me, I don't feel that way yet, but I'm having a lot of fun with you" he accepted it with understanding and patience, however he was a little hurt and will probably wait until he tells me he loves me again, it was fine by both of us. I knew he felt this way since that date at sunset, when he looked into my eyes and his eyes ran all over my face, I knew he loved me, but he waited, he knew it would weigh on me, so he tried to take the time for me. We talked about how I feel towards him it wasn't that different from love in his mind so he was very happy, we agreed that we might try to do certain experiences in order to get closer, I was happy because he was a perfect person! For him, you can talk about everything, argue, find solutions together and vent but we still find something that’s good for both of us. He was patient and loved me so much that he was willing to wait until I am ready. We discovered that I am a relatively slow person to bond with other people and accordingly we chose the activities that would bring us closer, the words and the conversations I need. He had his own requests, one was to allow him - I promised not to stop him when he tries to shower me with love, either verbally or with gifts such as a necklace, watch, etc., and in return he will not expect a specific response from me. He used to point out before giving me a gift or showing affection that it wasn't meant to get anything from me, he just wanted to give it to me because he loved me. And in practice, when we built towards each other, my stress disappeared and my feelings of love for him revealed themselves, the connection was always true between us, I just couldn't really feel it, nothing really changed I just knew I loved him, the chemistry was always there, but emotionally I was closed, and he knew. For his part, he felt that he could be himself, I saw he was happy to be open with his feelings and not receiving comments and criticism about it such as "It's too much" "I'm not comfortable with you complimenting me like that" "Today don't say you love me it stresses me out". He acted like himself, and I acted like myself. We both respect each other - with love. After that I showed him affection myself he didn’t need to declare a gift before he gave it to me I was happy to receive and respond with "I love you", "you're the sweetest". Butterflies were there in a different way.  We got engaged in our 15 date and married after a few months. now we have been married for almost 5 years.

I went into these dates with the full belief that we were meant to be nothing more than friends and I learned that love can develop slowly and confidently while discovering myself, an intimate relationship reveals a lot about the parties and things we have to work on (constantly), I discovered that any relationship I had was made slowly because I'm blocked and don't bond quickly at all, or I have to accept reality regardless of another's gifts/feelings - they don't oblige me in anything. We discovered that sharing our feelings with each other benefits us, helps us get closer. And most importantly, through all these dates, we know how real love looks like.

He could have ended the relationship, he knew I didn't care, he insisted, indirectly. Looking back, I never initiated a date, he would drive to see me two hours each way at times that suited me. And he did everything in a way that I wouldn't feel pressured or rushed in this relationship, in a relationship we allow each other to be what they are within our limits. And he was right. My husband is my other half, best friend ever since we met, and I am so glad that we worked on things because when the barriers came down, we became one. Patience pays off.