In that Moment

I stood there in front of the counter with my head down and shoulders hunched forward, something I’ve always been ridiculed for, staring at the books I was about to check out. My converse shoes were untied, and my oversized plaid flannel was loosely hanging on my shoulders. I suddenly went into a daze as the cooler lights behind me twitched on and off, and the sliding doors beside me went into motion every minute or so.

It was a quiet sunset, and the sky was tinted with pink and orange. I was still standing there with my hands in my sweatpants pockets when Julia nudged me back to reality with her saying, ‘Beverly, will that be all?’ and slightly shaking her palm in front of me. I was shaken back to where I stood and apologized to her with a small grin. She shook her head beaming at me and said, ‘Don’t worry about it.’

 Julia somehow always tolerated my occasional dazes. I looked down at my choices of books, studying them intently with my eyes widened and running my fingers over covers and titles.

‘Those are some pretty good ones,’ Julia said, nodding.

‘I do hope so,’ I said, still staring down at the books I chose.

After a few minutes of flipping them back and front and skimming their pages, I put down four books and stacked them neatly on the counter in front of Julia signifying to her that I had made my decision. I smiled and playfully balanced between my heels and tip-toes.

Julia put down her phone and got up from her seat behind the counter to check me out, but in that moment, I looked down one last time then turned my head left towards the aisle of books.

‘One second, I’ll be right back,’ I said.

‘Take your time,’ Julia sighed, and went back to her phone, collapsing into her seat.

I paced straightforward towards the aisle and squinted my eyes, scanning the books there once again. I stood there with my arms crossed on my chest, staring at the variation of colors and fonts of the books.

In that moment, I knew there was no turning back. I had fallen back into the blackhole, and I was now submerged with books. I impulsively grabbed maybe nine books, each at a time and went through each of their synopsis, covers, chapter titles, and pages before putting the ones I found uninteresting back and lingering to the ones that looked pretty.

Just as I was going through my last book, strongly gripping on the cover with my eyes wide and reading the back cover, I heard a scoff beside me and abruptly shot my head to the side. I hadn’t realized anyone was there. I was met with emerald green eyes looking down at me.

‘Your shoes are untied,’ said a boy standing next to me.

I knitted my eyebrows and looked down at my untied shoes and back at the boy whom I hadn’t seen in my life. ‘Thanks for your concern,’ I said, then went back to my book and without bothering with my untied shoes.

After a minute of so, and as I was flipping through some pages, he spoke again, ‘You know, that book you’ve got, it’s got a really lame-ass ending,’ with a contemptuous expression on his face as to demean my choice.

I looked up and raised my eyebrows, nodding and trying to seem as ironically interested as I could before going back to the book in my hands.

After another minute, he finally broke and asked,

‘What does a guy have to do to get your attention?’

I whipped my head up shocked at the desperation with which he asked; no one has ever randomly come up to me before. I opened my mouth and closed it a few times before finally asking him, ‘do you want my attention or do you just want attention?’ emphasizing that last word, trying to be wary of his intents.

He sighs.

‘My name’s Alan. Please don’t think I’m a creep or anything. I’ve been watching you shuffle and skim through these books and I just felt like we’d be good friends,’ he said with an ‘as a matter of fact’ tone.

I, again, raised my eyebrows in surprise as to why I was even approached in the first place. I let a breath out and decided to put my hand out and say, ‘I’m Beverly.’

He shook my hand and smiled saying, ‘Nice to meet you.’

I smiled back, still cautious about him.

After around 10 minutes or so, I found myself wholeheartedly laughing with Alan at anything he had to say. We sat there and talked for I don’t know how long about the books we had read, the ones we hated, the ones that made us cry, and the ones that ignited light within us.

He looked at his wrist watch and said,

‘Oo, I think I’ve got to run now.’

I hadn’t realized how fast the time flew by and as I glanced outside, I noted that the sun had already fallen.

We both got up and I said, ‘Well, this was nice.’

‘Yeah, we should totally meet up again,’ he responded.

I nodded, meaning it.

‘Do you mind giving me your number?’ he asked.

I let out a breath and recited my number.

‘I’ll give you a call right now so that you can save mine.’

I patted my sweatpants pockets not feeling my phone in any of them.

‘I think I dropped my phone in my car or something. Don’t worry, I’ll text you when I’ve got it,’ I said.

Alan nodded and ended the call to me which he had already made.

We walked back to the counter and finally checked out everything we had; I had chosen six after Alan had recommended some and he himself got two. We walked through the sliding doors and glanced at each other one last time as farewell before we parted ways.

He made his way to the end of the parking lot and gave me a final wave before leaving. I reached my car and got in, placing my bag on the seat beside me and getting ready to start the car. I, then, remembered my dropped phone and started patting the floors in search of it. I managed to find it fallen between the front seats. I turned it on only to find

'3 missed calls from Olivia' plastered on the screen under that final call Alan had made.

After ringing Liv and being met with the beep of her voice mail, I started my car and drove back home. It was nighttime already and the moon and stars shone brightly in the misty, indigo night.

I was stopped at a red light, and I sat there pondering and repeating the whole time I had spent with Alan on the floor, trying to remember all the remarks he had made and his lame jokes. I found myself chuckling to myself. I finally got home and parked my car.

I entered the house and immediately Mom ran to me, grabbing me by the hand, leading me to the first seat, and plopping me into it. She tightened her grip on my hands and looked me in the eyes.

'Beverly, there's something you should know,' she said.

I quickly noticed her red and swollen eyes, yet before I could muster up any words to ask her what the hell was going on, tears started to roll down her checks.

‘Mom… what’s happened?’, I asked, preparing for the worst.

Her hand impulsively covered her mouth and she shook her head.

‘It's O-O-Olivia,’ she somehow managed to spurt out.

Immediately, I got a gut wrenching feeling but I decided to listen as she attempted to go on.

‘sh-sh-she… killed herself’

In that moment, I felt my entire life shatter and crumble before my eyes. My body went completely numb. My chest tightened as a sucked in a breath and I could feel myself going red in the face.

And in that split second, right before the tears rushed from the pools of water that automatically formed in my eyes, right before I’d scream ferociously at the top of my lungs, right before I’d fall miserably to the ground on my knees and punch the floor with my weak knuckles, right before I’d deny every letter that escaped my mom’s mouth… in that split second, I was back at the store.

I stand there in front of the counter with my head down and shoulders hunched forward. My converse shoes are untied and my oversized plaid flannel is loosely hanging on my shoulders. Julia puts down her phone and gets up from her seat behind the counter to check me out. I look down one last time then turn my head left towards the aisle of books, but I look back at Julia… I star at the books I had chosen…

‘Are you sure that’s all?’

I look down one last time.

‘Yes, I’m done.’

‘Okay… and your total will be 48.96.’

I grab the bag of books and walk through the sliding doors. The sky is a beautiful array of red and orange. The doors behind me open again, and a boy, taller than me, walks right past me, making his way out of here.

I sigh and get to my car. I notice that my phone’s missing, but I find it between the seats. In that moment, it rings and the name ‘Olivia’ is plastered on my screen. I don’t hesitate to pick up.

‘Hey Liv.’

‘Bev, can we go out for ice cream like right now?’

I smile to myself.

‘Of course.’